The Black Pen: A Memoir Through Poetry and Prose

By Matthew Holmes

The following is a collection of poetry and short prose writings poured out of a deeply pained heart. From the introduction to the story with “Broken Child” to the conclusion of “A Beautiful Ending”, you will walk with me on a journey of abuse, depression and false guilt, self-harm and suicide. Love. Loss. Hurt. Healing.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Matthew Holmes
• Release date: Dec 15, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370579341

Matthew Holmes

Born and raised in New Brunswick, Canada, Matthew Holmes (they/them) is the sixthborn child of their parents. They began writing their first published works for fan fiction sites in their early teens, and soon after started writing the story which would become the introduction to their ten part series, "The Slave Prince".Matthew has published five works now; including a short collection of poetry and prose written during times of deep trouble in life.Having recently graduated from a psychology BA program, they are now focusing on writing for enjoyment rather than grades. They are currently living in Fredericton with their boyfriend and young daughter.

Book preview

The Black Pen:

A Memoir Through Poetry and Prose

Copyright Matthew Holmes, 2017

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Published by Matthew Holmes

Smashwords Edition

Copyright Matthew Holmes 2022

Cover design by Matthew Holmes

First release December 15, 2017

Visit my Smashwords author page at https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/MRHolmes

Introduction

Broken Child

Love Will Leave a Mark

Back and Forth

The Boy

Oh Night, My Frozen Night

Broken Things

Days Gone By

Heart

Memories

Bad Head

Glass

Jack In the Box

Butterfly

Life

The Thought of Life’s Lies

To Hell (Suicide Note)

The Switch

Dying Breath (A Metaphorical Lament)

The Truth Is This

Silence

Questions

Sweet Compositions

A Moment of Introspection

A Beautiful Ending

Introduction

The following is a collection of poetry and short prose writings poured out of a deeply pained heart. From the introduction to the story with Broken Child to the conclusion of A Beautiful Ending, you will walk with me on a journey of abuse, depression and false guilt, self-harm and suicide. Love. Loss. Hurt. Healing.

Ultimately, these pages bear the weight of my heart in a story that has sculpted my life.

Foreword on the 2022 revision

This revision published in 2022 brings a different context to the following poems. In 2018 I was diagnosed with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, and while I was in the hospital I made some difficult decisions surrounding my future. I decided to stand up for myself and my own needs and stop allowing others to dictate how I should think or feel.

My marriage had been suffering, largely because I was hiding parts of myself on account of my religion. I was exclusively attracted to men but living life as if I were attracted to women. Eventually the marriage broke down, and I was left raising our daughter on my own.

I tried to remain faithful to my beliefs despite the reality that I was queer, but it drove me to alcoholism, and I eventually came out in 2021. My life has improved greatly, and while I am no longer a religious person on account of the psychological damage it has done to me, I have chosen to leave this book available with the added context of the trauma associated with growing up queer in a homophobic environment.

Broken Child

A kneeling boy

His back facing me

Was shaking under the weight

Of insanity and hate

Crying out

Get out, stay away

His pale hands grip his hair

The hatred inside is ready to break

A thin sheet of skin

Falls gently to the floor

Spinning like a leaf

It twisted to face me

Empty sockets

Somehow contained pain

It reached the floor

And crumbled like dry sand

I gazed in confusion

From the shattered face

To the boy to whom it belonged

The shivers ceased

And the boy stood

Slowly he turned

Appearing normal

Until you see his hollow face…

Black face, eyes