Witches Just Wanna Have Puns: Magic and Mayhem Universe: Roll for Magic, #1

By Virginia Nelson

Making new friends as an adult is hard—even harder when you're a witch. As the newest resident of Assjacket, West Virginia, Juliana Piepowder wanders into a local card shop and signs up to join their newest tabletop roleplaying group—Octo-pocalypse Overlords?—in hopes of meeting new people.

Cavalier Hardy has lived in Assjacket his whole life, so he's seen lots of strange and unusual things. Running the local card shop is his way of keeping his world sane and his adventures in game…or that was the plan before a witch cast a spell, launching their entire party into the game. While the group tries to find a solution, sparks fly between Cav and Juliana, so when he's captured by the Octopus King, she's willing to do just about anything to save him—

Even compete in a pun-off.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Virginia Nelson
• Release date: Oct 31, 2022
• ISBN: 9798215527153

Virginia Nelson

Virginia Nelson likes knights in rusted and dinged up armor, heroes that snarl instead of croon, and heroines who can't remember to say the right thing even with an author writing their dialogue. Her books are full of snark, sex, and random acts of ineptitude--not always in that order.

Book preview

Prologue

Juliana

The glossy cover of the game box featured a person in the center wearing a fishbowl hat containing an octopus. Tentacles stretched downward from the creature on the person’s head to wrap around the waxy, pale, blank face—basically, the illustrated octopus drove the person like a car. Fire rained down alongside red bolts of lightning from inky-black clouds in the background, where more people—arms outstretched in zombie poses—stumbled around with fishbowl hats containing a wide variety of other cephalopods. In large, thriller-variety font across the front of the box, Julie could read the title of the game—Octo-pocalypse Overlords—in red letters outlined in white.

So what is the game about, anyway? she asked, stroking her fingers over the embossed letters.

After a toxic waste spill, their dungeon master explained, the already intelligent octopus gained sufficient sentience to not just walk upon the land, but to find a way to control humans. Now, armed with fishbowl shields, the Octo-pocalypse Overlords control the kingdom of Ballyribbon. You and your party must find a way to stop the Overlords before the entire world falls to their tentacles. Basically, it’s your usual tabletop role-playing game, insofar as you roll for your skills, initiative and more…but with octopus monsters.

The dungeon master had a lovely, growly voice which shivered across Julianna Piepowder’s skin like a touch, but she attributed the sensation to sheer loneliness and dismissed it.

After all, since she’d moved to Assjacket, West Virginia, two months ago, she hadn’t talked to anyone outside of work or her mother—and it was driving her batty. A transplant from Seattle, she wasn’t used to life on the east side of the country at all, not to mention small town life. She preferred the hustle and bustle of the city, the constant whir of noise which accompanies urban living.

Here, things buzz. Or chirp. Everything is alive, and it creeps me out, she thought, shaking her wrist when a random fly landed there.

So, we met last week to create our characters, but I think we should go around the table and introduce ourselves, the dungeon master continued. Most of you know me, but I’m Cav. By day, I work for the city, and most of you have seen me around town.

Cavalier Hardy, a person with short, dark hair said. That was about all Juli could see of them, anyway—dark hair emerged from their tightly-tied, yet way-oversized hoodie. Cavalier Hardy, thirty-four years old, and you live at—

I’m pretty sure everyone doesn’t need to know where I live, Amoeba, Cav said with a nervous laugh. His dark eyes met Juliana’s across the table, and a sizzle of connection danced down her arms.

There’s something about that dude, Juliana thought. Something interesting…

Specificity is important, the person named Amoeba said.

True, Cav agreed. I’m Cavalier Hardy, and I’ll be leading our little campaign. Amoeba, do you want to go next?

No, replied Amoeba before tugging the strings on the hoodie hood to make an even smaller opening where their face must be.

Juli hid a smile. When she first signed up for game night at the local card and game shop, her big fear was not knowing anyone—which was the whole point of the adventure, so she shoved aside her fears and signed up anyway.

Despite her concerns, she also knew these people likely played together many times in the past while she was the stranger to their party. Small town, one game shop—they’d probably not just met, but had run campaigns together in the past. The introductions might be for her, and she might appreciate them, but it didn’t quell her nerves any. She thought nothing could help the nerves, actually.

Amoeba didn’t know it, but their hesitancy to meet someone new resonated with the part of Juli that kind of wanted to grab a pizza and hide in her apartment instead of facing a roomful of strangers.

What if we introduce our characters, instead? Cav offered, giving Amoeba a smile. I don’t have a character—

The strings on Amoeba’s hoodie loosened, and Juli spotted the glitter of eyes beneath the hood and hair. You are the dungeon master, Amoeba intoned with theatrical pauses.

Cav blinked at her while the man-bun man sitting next to Amoeba snickered.

Yes, but I don’t think it is called that in Octo-pocalypse Overlords, Cav said.

Doesn’t matter, Amoeba insisted. Dungeon masters have god powers. It’s important.

Cav nodded. It is, but I still don’t have a character to introduce, so someone else will have to go first.

I’m Rudy, the guy sitting next to Cav said, leaning forward so everyone at the table could see his face. Man-bun man Rudy wore hipster glasses that might have been for aesthetic rather than vision enhancement. His red flannel shirt appeared ironed, while his hair stood in a carefully sculpted curl above his high forehead before being tugged into a way-too-flawless-to-be-actually-tousled manbun. Overall, he wasn’t the kind of guy Juliana ever met across a tabletop for a roleplaying game before.

He continued his introduction while Juli looked him over. My character is Drindelwald the Devoted, and I’m basically a cultist who can pray to my deity for attack and heal spells. Drindlewald is a cultist, like I said, though, so he likes to drink, do any drugs that are available to the party, and otherwise is a basic menace. Apologies in advance for my character-driven choices.

Juliana snickered. One of the biggest pet peeves she heard from other players of games like this were when people forgot to make choices based on their character’s preferences rather than their own. Nothing worse than a paladin who abruptly forgot his vows, after all.

I’m Amoeba, Ameoba abruptly inserted before pulling the strings tight on their hoodie again. They/them pronouns, and I’m using my actual name for my character. I like that name. Anyway, I’m a slime wizard, and my character specializes in poisons and bombs.

Juliana smiled at the tiny space where Amoeba hid in the hoodie. Nice to meet you, Amoeba.

I’m Juliana, and I’m new to the neighborhood. My character is Eloise the diviner elf, and she can channel the dead. When I call upon my ancestors, I can use their gifts, but they’re in charge—like Eloise is checked out completely. So, basically, I have to play a whole host of characters as one.

That sounds fun, Amoeba said.

That sounds complicated, Rudy said, carefully waxed moustache twitching. We’ll see if you can pull that off.

I’m Polly, a quiet woman with baby pink hair said. She wore a soft, fuzzy pale brown sweater over a loose sky-blue tee. Juliana was struck with the thought that if a person were a sound, Polly would be windchimes—a whisper of sweet sound carried on a delicate breeze. I’m playing Garwald the Grave, a Resistance Octo-officer. Basically, Garwald is a tank bard in uniform, who carries both a survival and medical pack issued by the military. Garwald, I’ll also mention, is nine feet tall and built like a wall.

Polly smiled, as if the idea of playing something so physically imposing thrilled her. Juli grinned at the woman, appreciating the sentiment.

I’m Garett, a younger guy with bright white hair said from the opposite end of the table as the dungeon master. If Juliana had to guess, he was still in high school—or just out of it, because a tattoo of a fern ran up his neck. I’m playing Ninjalord Grimreap, a rep from the thieves’ guild. My character is literally an animated garden gnome, so I’m small and very heavy. When I walk, it sounds like cement clanking against rock. Despite my size, I bring raw damage to the party.

Epic, said Amoeba.

Okay, with that out of the way, the reason you all introduced yourselves is that this is the first time you’ve met, Cav said, before clicking his long, dark fingertip once on his mouse. Music began to play from the laptop behind his dungeon master screen.

Ominous slow music began to vibrate through the space, setting the mood. He leaned forward before lighting a candle. Juliana reached forward to turn the amber glass so she could read the ivory sticker on the front—Castle Eldrich, the sticker read, before describing the scent as a blend of tonka with notes of rum, musk, and oud. The scent it gave off transported her to a seedy bar in some dangerous part of a fantasy city.

Juliana rolled her D20 around in