Five Fanger Witch Punch: Magic and Mayhem Universe: The Miscreants, #3

By R.L. Merrill

New vampires and life mates Wilma and Gus have had so much to learn that they haven't had any alone time to strengthen their mating bond. There have been countless interruptions and obstacles, including Wilma's foray into witchy MMA, so when warlock Roy Bermangoggleshitz shows up requesting help from Wilma to locate his missing children in Louisiana in the midst of a storm, she's determined to use her newly freed magic for good. However, this presents yet another challenge to her relationship with Gus, who's worried about whether or not he has what it takes to be her mate. A road trip, a weather emergency, and a supernatural showdown will either bring them closer than ever, or could bring about a premature end to their forever.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Celie Bay Publications, LLC
• Release date: Oct 31, 2022
• ISBN: 9798215122679

R.L. Merrill

Whether she’s writing contemporary romance featuring quirky and relatable characters or diving deep into the paranormal and supernatural to give readers a shiver, R.L. Merrill loves creating compelling stories that will stay with readers long after. Winner of the Kathryn Hayes “When Sparks Fly” Best Contemporary award for Hurricane Reese, and a Foreword INDIES finalist for Summer of Hush, Ro spends every spare moment improving her writing craft and striving to find that perfect balance between real-life and happily ever after. She writes diverse and inclusive romance, contributes paranormal hilarity to Robyn Peterman’s Magic and Mayhem Universe, and pens horror-inspired music reviews for HorrorAddicts.net. You can find her connecting with readers on social media, advocating for America’s youth, raising two brilliant kids, or headbanging at a rock show near her home in the San Francisco Bay Area! Stay Tuned for more…

Book preview

1

Wilma

---

Are you sure this is necessary, amor?

My mate and love of my life Gus had been trying to talk me out of tonight’s main event all week, but this was something I had to do if I wanted there to be peace in our town. Assjacket, West Virginia. 

He handed me a sports bottle with a special sports-blend of blood—aptly named Red Bull—but I waved it away. If I drank too much, the combination of nerves and the bouncing on my toes I was doing to stay warm was going to make me pee my pants in front of everyone, and that would not be a winning move.

Gus, I’ll be fine. I have no choice. If I don’t do this, I won’t be able to stay in this town. I’ve worked so hard on the TV station, and Bertram and I have set up the house, not to mention the late-night show…

But I don’t want you to get hurt, and no offense, because I know you’re a badass, but Zelda kinda scares the undead midnights out of me.

The part about this current dilemma I hated the most was that somehow, when my powers were unlocked by Gus accidentally turning me into a vampire, I was put on the witch’s bad side. Witches in Germany, where I’d spent the first 112 of my years of life, possessed something similar to a pheromone that made other witches angry, violent. It had never been an issue for me until my death and birth into vampirism. The death part broke the hex that I’d had my whole life, and the whole vampire bit? Witches naturally hate vampires. Double trouble.

I’d only just met Zelda—the mate of the town’s alpha—and was hoping maybe I’d found a friend, but then she told me in no uncertain terms—

I’m kicking your ass, hexen!

Cheers rang out through the makeshift auditorium at Zelda’s taunt. I knew at one point they used to put on plays here, but tonight, the energy was a bit more…bloodthirsty. 

Yeah, well, her bite is much worse than her bark, Gus’s cousin Freddy shouted back, flashing his fangs across the ring.

Freddy, stop that, Gus said. Don’t make it worse!

How’s it going over here?

Jacob put his arm around Gus and gave me a playful fist to the jaw. Jacob was the town alpha’s brother and our vampire mentor, and he was trying somewhat unsuccessfully to remain impartial, since Zelda was his sister-in-law. I’d heard that Jacob had even placed a wager on who would win tonight. I didn’t want to know who he’d picked.

How’s that? Tight enough? Too tight? Gus’s other cousin Vinny was wrapping my hands. I’d had to file down my long, undead-enhanced nails so as not to gouge out any eyeballs, and the tape Vinny was using was already itchy and sweaty. 

How should I know? I can’t move my fingers—

Then it’s doing its job.

I looked helplessly at Gus. What am I even doing here? I whispered. I know I have to do this, but I don’t want to fight her!

He sighed and moved to my back so he could rub my shoulders. I know, amor. I hate it too. I’m sorry. It’ll all be over soon.

Carol thought this would help Zelda get rid of her… What did she call them? Jacob asked, scratching his head.

Ya-yas, Freddy said. Ya-yas with ta-tas, if it’s two chicks. I am here for it!

Gus slugged him in the gut and he made an oof sound but kept laughing.

You’re not helping, primo. Go get some extra bottles of Crimson Heiffer, Special Edition, for Wilma. If she gets injured, or if she draws blood on Zelda, we may need to draw her attention away.

Copy that. 

Carol came over to my corner of the ring in her shiny purple backless tuxedo bodysuit. You ready over here? she asked, rubbing her hands together. This is going to be great! I haven’t seen a couple of chicks going at it since I rushed the stage at the Indigo Girls concert. Or maybe it was when I was in the pit at the last P*ssy Riot show. Those chicks are badass.

Carol? Isn’t there another way? I don’t want to fight her.

Carol shook her head. No can do, my fanged fräulein. The gauntlet has been thrown down. The challenge has been accepted. You both need to get this bit of rivalry out of your systems or else this town ain’t gonna be big enough for the two of you.

I slumped a little in my chair and felt Gus squeeze my shoulder. 

Gus. My mate, my love. He’d helped me train for this stupid fight and promised me that he’d kiss my boo-boos when it was all over. I just hoped Zelda didn’t end my undead existence in the ring.

I was a good fighter before I’d been turned, but now? I was even more fierce and I didn’t want to hurt her. That could be my downfall. If I hurt the town’s head witch, I’d never be able to show my face in public, nor could I expect my news station to be successful. The only good outcome of the two of us beating the snot out of each other was me losing, or some sort of magical intervention. One could hope.

Hey, Wilma? Gus cleared his throat and licked his lips. I know this isn’t the best time—

It’s time, Carol said, clapping her hands together. 

Zelda growled and her husband Mac placed his hands on her shoulders. He hadn’t wanted this fight to happen either, but every time someone said my name around Zelda, she’d start breaking shit. She felt that was unacceptable, as she was beginning to act like her husband, so the fight was on. 

Carol trotted to the middle of the ring where a microphone was lowered from the ceiling, just like in a real fight. A bell rang out and the crowd—witches and Shifters of all shapes and sizes, some in their human forms, some in their alter egos—lowered their voices to hushed whispers.

Assjacket…ARE YOU READY TO RAMBLE?

Doesn’t she mean rumble? Freddy muttered, but it didn’t seem to matter to the crowd. They whooped and hollered, jumping to their feet in excitement.

Tonight we have the mumble of the century. Two powerful, magically delicious witches are about to go mano-a-mano to see who’s the toughest of the tough. In this corner, she said, gesturing to me, all the way from the Harz Mountains in Germany, we have the Hexiest Hexen from Hexenburg, Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am Wetter!

The applause was audible. It didn’t rupture eardrums, there were no sharp whistles or rhythmic stomps on the bleachers or anything, but it was acceptable for a new-ish resident of Assjacket who had recently made a significant life change.

A little over a year ago, I’d moved to this magicals-only town in hopes of escaping an eternity of loneliness due to a family curse that bound my magic at birth. I was now running the local TV station and broadcasting weather reports while producing a variety of programming with my friends. Oh, and I’d met my mate, fallen ridiculously in love, and he’d accidentally turned me into a vampire. It was a wild life here in Assjacket.

I waved at the crowd and smiled nervously. 

There were a few boos as I sat back down on my stool.

And in THIS corner, weighing in at—

Don’t you dare. Zelda shot colorful sparks at her former boss and current stepmother’s ass. Carol couldn’t be bothered, however. She was having a blast. 

The mistress of mayhem, the healer of our beloved town, the one, the only, the mediocrely dressed—

"What?! I’ll show you medio—"

Zippety Doo Dah Zelda!

The crowd went absolutely wild and then the rhythmic foot stomping began, to We Will Rock You no less. This was not good.

Hey, Gus said, kneeling before me and taking my stiff hands in his. You’re going to be great. Just avoid getting hit in the mouth. I don’t want your fangs to hurt you. Oh, and remember your dancing feet. Keep bobbing and weaving and eventually, she’ll get tired. Heck, maybe the whole auditorium will get bored and wander off.

The crowd was now screaming the lyrics to the song, but they’d changed them:

Baby, you’re a girl, makin’ sparks

Spellcasting in the street, gonna be Baba Yaga someday

You got on warts on your face, you big disgrace

Showing your ass all over the place, singin'

We will, we will hex you

We will, we will hex you

Girly, you’re a hot-ass witch

Forecasting in the street, gonna take on Baba Yaga someday

You got blood on your fangs, you wear silly bangs

Waving your wand all over the place

We will, we will hex you, sing it!

We will, we will hex you, yeah!

---

Okay maybe not. Whatever happens, I love you, baby.

I smiled down at Gus, and he winked at me.

I would be okay, no matter what, because Gus loved me, and between him, his cousins, my beloved best friend Bertram Cravenly, and my familiar Woodrow—wait, where was Woodrow?