How to Say What You Mean Without Being Mean

By Jan D. Thomas

Do you wonder why you get yourself into arguments that don’t matter, or you say things you don’t mean but sound really mean? Would you like to learn how to change that? In How to Say What you Mean without Being Mean, author Jan D. Thomas offers a Christian-based guide to help you better communicate with others.

Thomas explores a host of issues and suggests ways to communicate more effectively and facilitate more harmony in your relationships—with God and others—while learning to understand and even love yourself better. How to Say What you Mean without Being Mean discusses:

• what communication is;
• the role of communication and ways to work at it;
• learning how to communicate;
• the results of poor communication;
• reprogramming your communication process;
• hearing and understanding;
• the problem of pride in communication;
• resolving conflict; and more.

This guide communicates that as a Christian, you have a power within you to help you improve your relationships with others. That power stems from God, is God, and it is the power to love as God loves.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Sep 20, 2022
• ISBN: 9781665730563

Jan D. Thomas

Jan D. Thomas, a retired prison warden, has been involved in prison ministry for more than twenty years. He received an MDiv degree from Gateway Seminary, helped establish Crossings Prison Ministry in New Mexico, and was instrumental in bringing Celebrate Recovery to incarcerated people throughout the United States and other countries, as well as his own church. Thomas was the first national director of Celebrate Recovery Inside.

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Copyright © 2022 Jan D. Thomas.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, Copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Scripture quotations marked ESV taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-6657-2974-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6657-2975-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6657-3056-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022917386

Archway Publishing rev. date: 09/16/2022

To all who have touched my life and made me who I am, I thank you. Special mention is made to my children, Penny, James, and Paul. To my wife of fifty-four years, Fern, who is now in heaven experiencing the conversations with Jesus she always wanted. To Tom Zornes and Gary Benson along with all of those who have journeyed with me in Crossings, Kairos, and Celebrate Recovery, especially John Baker who is now with the Lord as well, and all of those who have come in contact with this material through the years. Last, but not least, to Jesus, who saved me, the Holy Spirit, who led me through this process, and the Father, who spoke into existence all that is.

CONTENTS

Preface

Introduction

1 What Is Communication?

2 The Role of Communication and Ways to Work at It

3 Learning How to Communicate

4 The Results of Poor Communication

5 Reprogramming Your Communication Process

6 Loving Communication Skills Help Make People Successful

7 Hearing and Understanding

8 Speaker Problems

9 Listener Problems

10 The Problem of Pride in Listening

11 Effective Listening

12 Life Space Analysis

13 Gaining Skill in Communication

14 Communication Channels

15 How to Deal with the Grapevine

16 Other Barriers to Good Communication and Overcoming Them

17 Resolving Conflict

18 How to Motivate People

19 Problem-Solving and Decision-Making

20 The Big But

Sources

PREFACE

The content of this book comes from many sources as well as my own observations and experiences. It was originally intended to supplement a curriculum at the New Mexico Corrections Department’s Training Academy in Santa Fe. As the warden of the Roswell Correctional Center, the academy director asked me to teach a course to help supervisors better communicate with both inmates and fellow staff to prevent situations from happening that could bring harm to either staff or inmates. I retired from the corrections department after twenty-five years and helped found the Crossings Prison Ministries, which came into existence in 1998.

Just prior to my retirement in 1997, the deputy secretary of corrections recruited me, proposing a faith-based component in prison programming. Having a master of divinity degree from Golden Gate Seminary (now Gateway Seminary), I had the theological background to help bring this together. As I met along with a committee composed of Kairos Prison Ministry volunteers, the New Mexico director of Prison Fellowship, and this deputy secretary, it was determined that a course in communication would be helpful to the inmate participants. It has been beneficial to all who have been involved in teaching or participating in the material over the years and can be used in different situations, being mindful of the audience. Illustrations may be changed to fit the circumstance, but the information is helpful to anyone who wishes to be more skilled in talking to others. When we have experienced and speak in the love of Jesus Christ, we will be able to do what Proverbs 10:32 (MSG) says. The speech of a good person clears the air; the words of the wicked pollute it.

While much of my experience has been with those in prison, the principles apply universally since I also live in my community, have a family, participate in the life of my church, as well as ministries to the homeless and even those who are struggling who have never been in a dire circumstance. In prison is a slice of humanity that cuts through all of society, from the very worst to the best. There are inmates as well as staff who have learned to be caring individuals and want to serve as Christ served and to give themselves as Christ gave himself that the kingdom of God might be made known to all. (The quote is from the Kairos Community Prayer.) Many who have not known anyone in prison suspect that they are all scheming, conniving thieves, murderers, and rapists. Some are, but many have had their lives turned around by a commitment to Jesus Christ and are pursuing life in a different direction. Let’s not lose sight of the fact that those who go into prison come from our communities and even our families. Nearly all of them return to the community. We all want to better understand and talk to those around us in a manner that lets us live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus (Romans 15:5 NLT).

INTRODUCTION

John grew up in a household where everyone was always trying to talk above everybody else in the family, to be heard above the clamor, and to say what they wanted to say. His dad was gregarious and butted into almost every conversation anyone was having, not waiting for anyone else to finish their point before he got his in. For John, it became natural for him to loudly express himself as well. This carried over into his adulthood, and most conversations he had were brash and his point definitive, to the point that many tried to avoid him or left the conversation because they felt uncomfortable.

John’s sister, Mary, on the other hand almost never expressed any opinion on anything because she felt that her opinion had no value, she hated the conflict, and even on critical issues, she was reluctant to speak. When she married, she often went along with anything her husband said because that was what she felt comfortable with. She wished she could talk about her views on important matters, but even when she knew that things were not going well and she had an opinion, she never said anything.

Everyone communicates whether they intend to or not. What you don’t say can be almost as loud as what you do say. You say things you don’t intend out of an emotionally charged situation you have gotten yourself into, or you may cover up a personal inadequacy with information you hope to be true, but you aren’t sure. You may even try to get your point across at the expense of losing a relationship. This is like winning a battle while losing the war.

There are times you need to talk about something that you consider to be very important, but you don’t know how to say it without getting upset or upsetting someone else. Or, on the other hand, you may even enjoy the spectacle of seeing the other person seethe with anger because you told them the truth. Then there are those times you just want to clam up because you feel someone might ridicule you for your opinion or ignore your point of view.

You may feel like Charlie Brown being manipulated by Lucy to tell her his heart’s desire. He is very reluctant, but he tells her that he always wanted people to call him Flash instead of just plain old Charlie, which he has always hated. The name Flash would make him feel like a real athlete being good at everything he did. Lucy immediately calls out to a friend, Hey, Violet! Listen to this! She then tells Violet, and they both laugh loudly, saying, Flash! Flash Brown! Charlie walks away with a dejected look, saying to himself, I can’t stand it!

Some things we would like to talk about to someone else are so private, even frightening, that we keep them hidden inside, squashed down, even out of sight of our own mind’s eye. We long to get these things off our chests, but to do so we feel might cause others to reject us or to not think of us as highly as we would like for them to, even though we know we don’t have it all together and we forget that nobody else does either. If you could talk to someone whom you knew would not make fun of you or embarrass you in front of others, or divulge your secret, what would you tell them? Maybe a problem or a troublesome incident has been eating at you for years or is always coming up when you least expect it. It may be an addiction or a habit you want to overcome. What do you do about it? What you really want to do is to establish and maintain the kind of relationships God intends for all of us to have and be able to express it in a safe support group like AA or Celebrate Recovery.

Jesus said that our religious duty is all about loving relationships. One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, Of all the commandments, which is the most important? The most important one, answered Jesus, is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these (Mark 12:28–31 NIV). But the question is this: how do you love your neighbor, especially the ones who give you the hardest time?

We will explore these issues together and suggest ways in which we can communicate more effectively and bring about more harmony in all our relationships—with God and others—while learning to understand and even love ourselves better.

Working in prisons for over twenty-five years and then as a volunteer for nearly that has taught me much about how to communicate in difficult situations. One inmate I came to know, Barry, was difficult to try to program into the population. He had a tough time getting along with other inmates as well as staff. One day his mother called me, his caseworker, and asked why Barry was back in segregation. Again. He was separated from other inmates. I told her that he had a bad attitude toward