Scars to Stars

By Deana Brown Mitchell

"Sobbing so uncontrollably I could not take a breath, the pain was unbearable.

I washed down the pills with an open bottle of wine I grabbed from the fridge.

I just wanted it all to stop... the pain... the fighting... the lies..."

 

Scars to Stars is a series of online sum

• Language: English
• Publisher: Year of the Book Press
• Release date: Sep 15, 2022
• ISBN: 9781646492756

Book preview

Foreword

Deana Brown Mitchell

SOBBING SO UNCONTROLLABLY I COULD NOT TAKE A BREATH, heavily intoxicated but the pain was unbearable, washing down pills with an open bottle of wine that I grabbed from the fridge... I just wanted it all to stop... the pain... the fighting... the lies...

Waking up in the hospital to realize I was still alive was the ultimate feeling of failure.

Then the silence for 23 years until a dear friend succeeded in what I couldn't.

My pain that I hid for so many years came crashing back. I kept it at bay because I was so busy running an award-winning multimillion-dollar business. But then COVID-19 shut down everything including my business, my purpose, and my sanity.

Now what? I had no clients to keep me busy and I was alone with my thoughts, not sure what to do. I had to focus on something outside of myself or I would not be okay. I felt empty like I had nothing left to contribute to the world. I needed someone to depend on me to show up for something... I needed purpose.

This was the first time in my life there was no motivation.. no promotion or achievement to strive for... no contracts to get signed... no clients holding me accountable. Work and striving for the next thing had always been my coping mechanism and now that was taken away in a day... March 13, 2020.

The months that followed were spent processing my journey of mental health and exploring new coping skills. God was calling me to a new purpose—helping other humans to realize they are not alone. The epiphany that conversations and community can save lives became my new obsession.

Scars to Stars™ was born to bring to life this new mission. It started as a virtual summit, then a three-day event and another summit.  This new community is made up of incredible people who have been on similar journeys of overcoming, and now selflessly lend a hand or an ear, along with encouragement to others who need to understand they are not alone.

In these pages you will hear from:

KRISTI COLLINS, who shares how she found hope during her infertility journey...

LINDA LAURIDSEN, who teaches that you don’t have to extinguish your own light in order to allow others’ lights to shine brightly...

OLIVIA SAIN, who counsels that it’s not enough just to want to change. You have to fight for it...

DEANA BROWN MITCHELL, whose battle with psoriasis, depression, and miscarriages taught her that you never know the invisible scars the person next to you is dealing with...

MICHAEL BACCHIONI, whose experience with porn addiction taught that the more we face our own lies, fears, and hypocrisy, the more power we are able to face that in others...

CHUCK WOJACK, who shares how it’s possible to overcome obstacles and complacency to make intentional change...

DEB WEILNAU, whose experience taught that the best gift to receive is the ability to listen and see what is right in front of you...

CORRINE THOMAS, who learned there are ways for entrepreneurs to grow faster while working smarter and healthier...

FELICIA BROWN, who awakened to a business owner’s ability to look for opportunities in times of crisis and progress amidst chaos...

JEREMY LEISKY, whose battle with health issues taught him to always look for hope...

LISA ROGERS, who discovered how to overcome a painful past and find a new way to live...

STEPHANIE RODRIGUEZ, who learned that no matter what happens in life, this is not the end...

TAHJ SHAND, who coaches that even though life doesn’t always go the way you planned, it’s still possible to live with a healthy balance of mind, body, and spirit...

GAILE LYNN, who teaches that we can utilize challenging circumstances as medicine to reveal the truth of who we really are...

BIL GARDINER, who shares that hobbies can keep you grounded, even when career obstacles seem insurmountable...

BRAD BURCHNELL, who learned after a daughter’s suicide that dealing with one’s trials, troubles, and tribulations can lead to healing...

JACOB HASLEM, who teaches how to create the life of your dreams rather than the life others would choose for you...

TREYONDA TOWNS, who found a resisted place of power to transition into a space of release.

We are all like diamonds in the night sky... all shapes and sizes. We are individuals formed under pressure. We are one of a kind with unique talents, skills, and character.

The authentic, vulnerable stories in these pages may be similar to yours or may be so different that they are unfathomable. My hope is that they encourage, inspire, and motivate you to explore your own journey in this life to find your true purpose and happiness.

You matter... you are worthy... and you are enough.

Find Out More

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scars-to-stars-book-launch

Waiting to Bloom:

Finding Hope in My Infertility Journey

Kristi Collins

I am a wildflower that one day will bloom

In the still of the night, underneath the full moon

My time is my own, I cannot be compared

To the fields of flowers which have blossomed and faired

For I am unique, no timeline constrains me

But when my season comes, I will bloom so lovely

With vibrant, bright colors, a flower so rare

An authentic beauty with our world to share

–Wildflower by Kristi Collins

MY HEART SANK. AGAIN. ANOTHER NEGATIVE PREGNANCY TEST. How could this be possible? We had done everything we were told to do in order to get pregnant. We timed everything. We had countless appointments with the fertility doctor and took all the medications and followed every protocol. We took all the supplements. We did everything right. How could we keep getting the same negative pregnancy result over and over again?

It had been about six years since we actively started trying to have a baby. I had heard almost every well-intended word of advice:

As soon as you stop trying, that’s when it will happen.

Maybe you just need to get really drunk and have sex. Then you will get pregnant.

Just go on vacation. Then it will happen.

God’s timing is perfect. Just keep waiting and don’t try so hard.

Relax. It will work out and happen when it’s supposed to.

Over and over, I heard these well-meaning words of advice. But none of it helped. We had been trying and not trying, for six years, to get pregnant. Nothing worked.

After about four years with no results, my therapist (and our marriage counselor) recommended we see a fertility specialist. I am so grateful.

In that moment, I realized I had not wanted to accept that I needed help. I wanted to be in control and be able to fix my problems on my own. But we had tried everything to no avail. It was in that office I learned to humble my heart and ask for help. It was there that I learned it was okay to struggle with infertility. It does not make you any less of a person or any less valuable. It is okay to reach out for help when striving for something that your heart desires.

Following this meeting with my therapist, I called up the fertility office and scheduled an appointment. Even though this was just one small step, it was a sign. I was willing to accept help and partner with people who could help us. It was a breath of fresh air. I felt hope that we were on a new journey, and we were actively trying to achieve our God-given and innate desire to have children. It brought me excitement, joy, and anxiety all at the same time.

Even after this epiphany, I still struggled with accepting help. Fertility treatment is expensive, and most insurance companies rarely cover associated costs. This made it even harder, because not only was it overwhelming physically and emotionally, but also financially. After going through the first round of fertility tests, they found that both of us had issues. I was 32 at the time, with a diminished ovarian reserve, and my husband had a lower sperm count. However, this was great news because both could likely be fixed with supplements and ovulation timing.

So that is where we started. For one year, we tried naturally using just supplements and timed intercourse. Our hopes were high. But even after one year, nothing happened.

After this, we decided to move on to step 2. This would require an IUI (intrauterine insemination). We were thrilled that our office thought we were great candidates for this to work. With medication, timing, and medical assistance to actually put the sperm into the uterus, we thought this could really work!

My husband and I were again excited. We truly believed this could be our time. We headed into the office, bright-eyed and hopeful, and tried the IUI.

What they don’t tell you about fertility is the waiting. You have to hurry up and wait. And then wait. And wait on your results. There is so much time to be anxious and think about every scenario.

After an IUI, you must wait two weeks to receive your pregnancy test results. Two nail-biting weeks.

After the first procedure, we waited and waited, staying hopeful for good news. But then the news came, and we weren’t pregnant.

Then there were the second, third, and fourth IUIs. Each time, we got our hopes up, and then after those two long weeks of waiting, we received the heartbreaking news again... It didn’t work.

After another negative test result, my husband looked me in the eyes and said, I’m done trying these IUIs. It’s too emotional for me. It’s time to move on to IVF.

I could tell he was heartbroken and worn from getting his hopes up and then being disappointed every time. This was unsustainable. It was painful. It couldn’t continue this way. What was even harder was that we had been diagnosed with unexplainable infertility, which means no one could figure out exactly what was wrong. This was even more frustrating. I just wanted answers. I wanted to know what was wrong so we could fix it. But we couldn’t even figure that out.

After meeting with our doctors and talking, I knew my husband was right (as hard as that is to admit sometimes). I’d wanted so badly for the IUI to work. But it was time to take a break and regroup. We were worn. Our hearts were heavy and we couldn’t keep doing the same exact thing over and over. That’s the definition of insanity (quote from our fertility doctor).

So, I took these words to heart. I was exhausted. I needed a break. We met with our doctor and decided that we would take a half-year break and then we would start IVF.

IVF – oh, how I dreaded those three letters. They stand for in vitro fertilization. I dreaded them because I knew it was a medically intensive process that would require ample sacrifice of my body and time. And the shots. So. Many. Shots! Did I mention to you that I hate needles? I kept wondering, why me? I had never had issues with my reproductive organs. I wondered if God was punishing me for something that I did. Was He mad at me and wanted me to suffer? At this point, I couldn’t tell because I felt that He had let me down. Again.

But that was far from the truth. When you are in the midst of suffering, it’s hard to see how God is working. But looking back, I can see that God was with me through it all. No, He didn’t answer my prayers just the way that I wanted. But He was working in me. I will never know all the answers of why, but I believe that God is good. He does not cause us to suffer or wish suffering on us. Instead, He promises to work all things (even the worst situations) for our good and His glory (Romans 8:28).

Back to IVF, needles, and finances. IVF requires a lot of medications which are expensive. How were we going to pay for all this? We had already spent a small fortune on the other fertility treatments, and now here came the big one. If the emotional stress wasn’t enough, then the financial burden could surely put us over the top.

During those four months of waiting, we prayed and released our fertility struggle and burdens to God. Truly, we could either choose to be miserable or we could choose to find hope and trust God through this process. Trust God. Sounds cliché, doesn’t it? But sometimes, it is truly all you can do. We decided to let go and focus on us for a while. We took all the pressure of having a kid off of us for that half-year as we prepared for IVF mentally, physically, and spiritually.

During those four months of waiting, we talked to our family about our plans. We opened up to others about our struggles and our plans moving forward. We helped others understand what IVF was and about infertility struggles.

Although we did still receive some well-meaning yet vexing words of advice, we received much more compassion than we could have ever imagined. Our family was incredibly supportive.

Papa (my grandfather) was so moved by our situation. He read some books about IVF. He also learned in her book, Becoming, that Michelle Obama had conceived her two children through IVF. As we were playing tennis one day, he approached me and said, I think this IVF is a great option for you, Kristi. If the First Lady can do it, then I know that you can do it, too!

His support meant the world to me. I’d lost my mother to breast cancer a few years prior, and not having her through this was difficult. She was my rock and best friend. She always knew what to do and was so supportive. But she wasn’t there to help me.

A month or so after our conversation on the tennis courts, Papa called me. He said that he wanted to arrange with my dad and other grandparents to pay for all the IVF expenses so that we would not be left with a $25k burden. I couldn’t believe my ears. Papa was coming alongside me to support us through our infertility journey—a 90-year-old man and WWII veteran who I had never even discussed anything remotely that intimate or personal with. I never saw this coming. He understood that the emotional burden was a lot to carry and wanted to help us bear it so we could focus all our attention on everything else.

As he spoke to me about his plan, tears came falling down my cheeks. I knew God was actively at work helping us through Papa. I knew He was opening doors for us to move forward in our fertility journey. I felt a peace about our struggle and almost a beauty in it. There was pain, but there was so much hope.

Papa had just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, too. There were many other things he could be spending his money and time on. But he knew how important this was to me and how important family was to him. I will never forget his compassion and love for family. I will never forget his kindness and willingness to help me in one of my hardest struggles.

August, September, October, and November flew by. Then December and the holidays. In early January, we took a tropical vacation to Maui (thank God!) before we started our IVF journey.

At the end of January 2020, we began the next process. The treatment can be broken into two different parts: egg retrieval and

Reviews for Scars to Stars

[Mark Stewart · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Read this book in one week. It's hard for me to finish a book in a year. I was amazed by each and every person's story. I could relate to each and every one of them. This book gives me hope and tools to live my life with all the scars I have and more that I will endure in my life. But, now I know I need boundaries and giving glory to my God for making me the way I am. I hope this book blesses others as well. Thank you Deana Brown Mitchell.