Performance: Poetry and Fleeting Thoughts

By Jul

If alarms didn't exist, I'm afraid I would never wake up.

Performance captures moments of despair, insecurity, and wisdom through poems, songs, and drawings. In her debut collection, Jul pulls back the curtain and invites the reader on her path of growth, sharing intimate exp

• Language: English
• Publisher: New Degree Press
• Release date: Sep 15, 2022
• ISBN: 9798885043397

Book preview

Performance

Poetry and Fleeting Thoughts

Jul

new degree press

copyright © 2022 Jul

All rights reserved.

Performance

Poetry and Fleeting Thoughts

ISBN

979-8-88504-406-6 Paperback

979-8-88504-333-5 Kindle Ebook

979-8-88504-339-7 Digital Ebook

To:

Hannah Heldreth

Jess Lewins

Nick Poprocky

Stephy

Taylor Malie

For your creative imaginations and constant encouragement. This book would be nothing without your support and help. I love finding words to describe feelings but I can never seem to find the words to express how much you all mean to me.

This book is for you, from my heart.

Trigger Warning

This book includes poems about assault, drug and alcohol use, eating disorders, suicide, mental health, and additional potentially triggering topics. Some content may not be suitable for young audiences.

If you need to step away, that’s okay.

Contents

Introduction

ACT 1

Despair

ACT 2

Insecurity

ACT 3

Wisdom

Playlist

Cast List

About the Author

Dear reader,

I struggle with a short attention span

I feel the magic of poetry when I read words that simply describe how I am feeling

feelings I have never been able to put into words myself

The words of poetry, even if just one line, continue to take my breath away

That’s why I write poems

Here’s to embracing our feelings, together.

Introduction

At the end of the day,

when you put your mask away,

what true emotions

come out to play?

A majority of the people in my life like to remind me how dramatic I am, how much I feel, and how much emotion I put into whatever I may be creating. This can be said to me as a compliment but oftentimes is meant as criticism. Most of the time, even if the tone isn’t in my favor, I take this as a compliment. There is so much advice out there to control our emotions, to hide our feelings, and only release them at appropriate times. The problem is there are so many societal norms, rules so to speak, that deem when you have permission to be authentic. Apparently, showing your emotions isn’t very professional, appropriate, or desirable. But I feel, and I feel hard. And, as tough as strong feelings can be, I see this as a creative asset in my life.

Writing is where I can finally describe how I am feeling in its entirety. I don’t worry about what people will think when I write for myself. I don’t worry about being too dramatic when I am in my creative zone. I just write.

Growing up, my family always told me that I should be a writer or an actress. Or both. Acting quickly became my ultimate childhood dream. I clearly remember, after a day of shopping with my mom, I was in the car about to fall asleep until I heard a peppy voice on the radio: Come downtown to audition to be a character on a Disney show next month!

I somehow convinced my mom to let me go, and even had my aunt take headshots I could put in a portfolio. But two weeks before the audition, I got in trouble and my mom grounded me. And part of this punishment meant I couldn’t go to the audition. I was distraught and felt like I was missing a huge opportunity to live my life performing as different characters, testing out being a new person for the rest of my life.

I was always performing at home. My favorite character to transform into was a princess named Alexis. She had braces and sat in a wheelchair; as a child I thought these were two very cool things to have. She was elegant. Perfect. Beautiful. Poised. Respected.

For the longest time, I thought princesses didn’t have problems. They couldn’t, right? Their dresses never seemed wrinkled or stained. They never seemed to stumble. So I wanted to be a princess. Not only for the fancy clothes and widespread travel but also for the stereotype that they had their life together. They ruled the kingdom.

As I got older I realized I was constantly performing, just like I did as a child. But, instead of putting on cute shows for my parents after dinner and closing the makeshift curtain made of my bedroom drapes when I was done, I was putting on shows every time I left my house. It was a different show wherever I went. I would perform in school, hiding my emotions to be accepted and liked. I would perform at my first job, especially in stressful situations with angry customers. You can’t show too much emotion because the customer is always right, right? I performed in college to come across as professional when I felt my lowest emotionally, all to be looked at as elegant. Perfect. Beautiful. Poised. Respected.

Now I challenge myself to be my most unapologetic, authentic self, through my dedication to being vulnerable with the people in my life and when I am speaking to various schools and organizations about how to foster an ABLE environment, a space where people feel able to express themselves confidently. But it’s hard. And I am still bad at it at times. I make it hard for myself with all the expectations I place