Roses and Thorns: a memoir-esque compilation of a beautiful and messy life

By Michelle Goñi

the radical transformation was simple with acceptance

the darkness was a necessary phase in the cycle of change

it allowed her to embody strength

it set her free with truth

nothing was more powerful 

than the moment she succumbed to authenticity

an

• Language: English
• Publisher: New Degree Press
• Release date: Sep 2, 2022
• ISBN: 9798885048200

Book preview

author’s note

My father immigrated from Spain to the United States of America in his late forties after serving as clergy for most of his life. He was a Renaissance-type man: multilingual, culturally astute, well-versed in world history and Spanish literature, a self-taught concert pianist, educator, and poet. He left the church in the late 1960s and then married my mother. Being fifty-two years older than me, our age gap, generational differences, and communication issues led to many misunderstandings. He had a difficult time assimilating to American culture and I was a prime teen in the eighties. He spoke broken English and insisted I speak to him in Spanish, but I was mainly fluent in Spanglish, and this infuriated him. I adopted the role of pleaser to win his rare praises, but it was never enough. Compliments were few. As the patriarch, he led sternly and expected nothing less than perfection.

Writing was an escape from my rigid, sometimes stoic, home. Poetry was the genre I gravitated to perhaps because it was unstructured, evoked emotions, and incorporated rhythm. I told my father that I wanted to be a writer when I grew up but he responded that the idea was nonsense and that my only two options were to become a doctor or lawyer. It was after this conversation that I stopped sharing my poetry with him. For my father, doing well academically equated to success and this took precedence over anything else. I was defined by my performances; in school, piano, tennis, and/or learning a third language, the result was synonymous to what I was going to be. This was the start of years of perfectionism, limiting beliefs, searching for belonging, and lacking self-love. Despite these obstacles, the love and respect I had for my father was immeasurable, as was the pain I felt when he passed away during my junior year of college.

My path to becoming a physician compounded how I had been raised. On the one side, my goals drove me and kept me focused. I was determined to continue on a straight path toward victory. But, there was the other side too. The one that craved perfection, which led to mental exhaustion. The part that kept me limited, in a box, with rigid expectations. I did not give myself permission to be curious or stray from said straight path. I constantly compared myself to others’ successes and raised the question, Was I enough?

One of the main inspirational leaders who helped me transform my thought processes is clinical researcher, professor, and author Dr. Brené Brown. She states that courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen. I made a conscious choice to be seen and, in my forties, I started writing again. This eventually led to a retrograde analysis of my life and this book was born. Roses and Thorns is a memoir-esque compilation of life stories written in prose poetry format that gives all of us permission to fear, fail, and feel pain. But it also embraces growth, evolution, and being a multi-hyphenate. If I had waited for the messy to disappear from my life, I would have never enjoyed the beautiful.

This book is meant to inspire you to spark internal dialogue through the use of emotionally provoking poetry. Most of the poems in my book are personal stories. Some are raw and painful like the thorns on a rose. I have known grief, failure, impossible self-imposed expectations, and emotional abuse. I also share beautiful moments of self-awareness, hope, appreciation, and evolution like the sprouting, colorful petals on a rose. Life is much like a rose and its thorns. Each part serves a unique and opposing purpose, yet both grow together as one. Like roses, life often shows up with thorns. But no matter how many thorns the rose has, its beauty prevails over the pain.

Roses and Thorns does not offer step-by-step solutions for improvement. It is a book written to evoke emotion, honesty, and vulnerability, not only to express feelings but also to give you permission to feel. Allowing yourself to feel all emotions, including the ones we classify as bad, is valid, but giving them too much power is our challenge. Emotions can deceive us into limiting our mindsets. On the contrary, we should be empowered by our feelings, but it is our choice to decide which emotions control us and which we control.

It is imperative to accept our past as stepping-stones to our present. Knowing, recognizing, and sharing pain helps us heal our wounds and makes us more empathetic, compassionate, and kind. All our parts, including the broken ones we want to isolate, are necessary to make us whole. Through this process you will learn to love yourself. And the truth is you cannot love others without loving yourself first.

I give you permission to open your heart. It is the first step to