When The Fat Worm Sings: A Journey Of Self-Recovery

By A. Swan

This book in many ways was written to appease my creative inner dreamer. More importantly, it has allowed me to share my story with you, the reader, in hopes that you might find comfort knowing you are not alone - not alone if you suffered years of childhood abuse, if you were molested, raped, beaten with words or fists; if you hold years of suppressed memories, emotions, and reality nightmares. Perhaps you find yourself in a place where I was at the time of writing this book; rising up from the ashes (or least trying with all your might) like a phoenix, after suffering a nervous breakdown and being diagnosed with PTSD. I was not an addict nor have I ever been one, and certainly have no plans of becoming one. I am not a veteran or an emergency service worker. I didn’t fit a “category” and I was, desperately seeking help in a country that is beyond underfunded in mental healthcare. I was actively engaging in “getting better” every way I could. However, it seemed like there was a wall every turn I took. There were moments I felt like I was drowning in a maze flooded with water, with no way out, but damn it all, I was going to survive! Survive is just what I did and will continue to do. A bold realization came through in one of my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) sessions; “I have had a million panic attacks, so clearly I can cope with this one. You will not die from it.” Bingo! My ah–ha moment.

This book is for you to become inspired with desire to live and fight for your life with tenacity and conviction. It is my hope that somewhere amongst the pages of this book you find the moment when you say, “fuck it, I am going to kick some mother-fucking-problematic-mental-health-ass!” Damn right. Some shit has happened to you and you may crumble and cry when facing it. Again, remember you will not die from it. There may be vulnerable moments where suicide feels like the only answer because you think the world would be a better place with out you and your sad, sorry ass. Feel free to tell those thoughts to fuck off, too. You've got this my love. Trust me, you can do this. You are not alone and you are brave. Be gentle when you are being hard on yourself. Advocate for yourself. Honor your inner wisdom. I wish you love on this journey and happy reading. If it gets too hard don’t force it. Time can be a very healing gift.

• Language: English
• Publisher: A. Swan
• Release date: Mar 14, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370793235

A. Swan

A. Swan is a self-proclaimed “one hell of cook” raised on the bald prairies of Canada. She has an unapologetic authenticity to her, a wildly charismatic, confident woman with some grit. Hailing from the majestic Purcell Mountains where she has been evolving for a number of years now. Ultimately she is a selfless giver at heart doing everything with her words and actions to support people mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Choosing words wisely so they do not play into people’s insecurities causing them to feel worse. Constantly aware and conscious and understanding of what a situation needs to be compassionate, kind, and gentle. Swan advocates for people to find their inner warrior and own it! Most importantly she recognizes that being a warrior does not mean we need to hold a weapon or speak with venomous power. A big fan of the sincere apology for it has no buts or justification for the actions/words being apologized for. Ms. Swan has no time for apologies filled with excuses. “Beauty is more then the skin, it is what your soul wears and my soul wears a smile most days. Despite a constant internal questioning, my soul manages to find the reasons to smile. When my soul feels a little beat up it uses its medicine basket to heal be it cards, smudge, mediation, painting, baking, art, dancing, fire, writing or crystals.” This woman fully engulfs the saying dance like nobody watching. Wearing her heart on her sleeve, meaning what she says and saying what she means definitely there are no smoke and mirrors with this author. “Everyone deserves the right to love, to be accepted no matter what for we are all equal.”

Book preview

COPYWRITE

© 2017 by A. Swan


All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever 
without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review and or preview for online sales.

Self published via the online platform Smashwords

Edited by Ryan Watmough & Carrie Bakos (thank you to the moon and back... hehe)

[e-mail]

@whenthefatwormsings

DEDICATION

Floridinia Alminia Boffenheart

Without you there would be no worm.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Anna, the women I once called my mother. Without your years of abuse and torment, and my family who treated me as the scapegoat my whole entire life, none of these mental health issues would be possible. Thus there would be no content in my book. The GFC and The GWRC. You know who you are. Amy, you are one smart cookie! Thank you for my ah–ha moment. Extra special love to Heather and Gabe, you were my voice when I could not speak, you were my weight when I could not keep my feet on the ground, my safe haven, a constant reminder of how amazing and beautiful my medicine basket truly is. I deeply thank you for reminding me of who I was in the moments I felt lost. To the Swan, Wart, and Floradinia you had me at Do you have a name? Martine and Sarah D. you two rad babely bitches – enough said. KJP! KJP! KJP! – Soul sister for life and then some! Beans and Nutmegz thank you for reminding me what a true friend looks and feels like. Dr. Adamson, was I the first life you saved? Dr. Larson-Soles know that you made a difference and I will forever be grateful you had an opening that sad and tragic day. My darling Niece, thoughts of you bring me continual joy and happiness. My dearly departed amazing magic grandmother Phillomena, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I will forever love you from lifetime to lifetime.

- A

PREFACE

This book in many ways was written to appease my creative inner dreamer. More importantly, it has allowed me to share my story with you, the reader, in hopes that you might find comfort knowing you are not alone - not alone if you suffered years of childhood abuse, if you were molested, raped, beaten with words or fists; if you hold years of suppressed memories, emotions, and reality nightmares. Perhaps you find yourself in a place where I was at the time of writing this book; rising up from the ashes (or least trying with all your might) like a phoenix, after suffering a nervous breakdown and being diagnosed with PTSD. I was not an addict nor have I ever been one, and certainly have no plans of becoming one. I am not a veteran or an emergency service worker. I didn’t fit a category and I was, desperately seeking help in a country that is beyond underfunded in mental healthcare. I was actively engaging in getting better every way I could. However, it seemed like there was a wall every turn I took. There were moments I felt like I was drowning in a maze flooded with water, with no way out, but damn it all,