The Wander Daze Part 1 and Things Go Wrong: the Wander Daze Part 2

By Richard Lapinski Jr.

The Wander Daze Part 1 and Part 2 is a satirical comedy about everyday life in a nursing home and the corporate world. It flushes out thoughts, feelings and impressions previously deemed unacceptable to acknowledge. It does so in such a way that fully utilizes the healing power of laughter. The Wander Daze embodies the spirit of laugh and world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone. It may shock, anger and sadden you but amidst it all it will make you laugh not only at yourself but at life’s ultimate plight. It turns lemon into lemonade by taking a depressing fate and turning it on its head into a palatable experience. All that is required is an open mind and a willingness not to take life or yourself to seriously. So sit back and enjoy the Wander Daze and Things Go Wrong.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jul 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9781663241535

Richard Lapinski Jr.

Richard Lapinski, Jr was born in Chicago, IL. He graduated with a Business Degree and entered healthcare to help people. The Wander Daze is based on his nursing experience.

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The Wander Daze

Part 1

and

Things Go Wrong:

The Wander Daze

Part 2

Richard Lapinski, Jr

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THE WANDER DAZE PART 1 AND THINGS

GO WRONG: THE WANDER DAZE PART 2

Copyright © 2022 Richard Lapinski, Jr.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

iUniverse

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6632-4154-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-4153-5 (e)

iUniverse rev. date: 07/05/2022

CONTENTS

Dedication

THE WANDER DAZE PART 1

Chapter 1 Slip Sliding Away

Chapter 2 Pseudo-Studies

Chapter 3 Gert Gets Out of Bed

Chapter 4 Tube Free

Chapter 5 Invalids Don’t Walk or Like Window Cleaner

Chapter 6 Let’s Get Physical

Chapter 7 Hunger Pains

Chapter 8 Too Much TLC

Chapter 9 Laughing at Yourself

Chapter 10 Why Don’t You Want to Work for Me?

Chapter 11 Some Things You Just Don’t Want to See

Chapter 12 What to Do with Daddy

Chapter 13 Not Your Grandpa’s Pacemaker

Chapter 14 Just Shoot Me

Chapter 15 Blow Me Up

Chapter 16 Let’s Call It a Wrap

THE WANDER DAZE PART 2

Chapter 1 Nurse Dee Dee is Back in Town

Chapter 2 Restoring Fiscal Responsibility

Chapter 3 Not Typical Procreation

Chapter 4 Fish its What’s for Dinner

Chapter 5 Ativan Not Just A Pill

Chapter 6 A Mishap for Isabel’s Daughter

Chapter 7 Labor is Killing Us

Chapter 8 The Only Thing Dumber than a CNA is a Nurse

Chapter 9 President Dee Dee Hits The Floor Running

Chapter 10 The Devil Made Me Do It

Chapter 11 There’s Gonna Be Big Changes Around Here

Chapter 12 Hands Off Policy

Chapter 13 The Burns Unit

Chapter 14 Spit Shine and Polish Mrs. Puff

Chapter 15 Even Deadbeats Need Appropriate Care

Chapter 16 Wide Load

Chapter 17 Recreation

Chapter 18 Its Payback Time Boys!!

Chapter 19 It’s Chow Time

Chapter 20 The Necessary Room

Chapter 21 Edward Comes of Age

Chapter 22 Observation Day

Chapter 23 Not Your Dads’ Hospice

Chapter 24 Goodbye Feudalcare El Fin

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to my wife Tammi, where sometimes living with me is not as humorous being a coworker of friend. Lauren for being a fantastic daughter. And, last but not least my son Alex for coming up with the title of this book.

THE WANDER DAZE

Part 1

CHAPTER 1

Slip Sliding Away

There is nothing but total darkness. All you hear is a buzzing background noise.

ZZZZZZZZ.

Slowly the darkness fades and you see a man in ripped blue jeans, an old 1977 Farrah Fawcett T-shirt and an open wind breaker with I AM NOT A SN ITCH lettered on the back.

Next the scene shifts to a stream of 100 unsuspecting seniors in single file line shuffling along. Walkers are clacking, wheel chairs are hissing and footsteps are pounding. All of a sudden, a frail-looking 90-something senior unexpectedly slips on the frictionless waxed floor. All you see is the look of despair in the face of the falling senior. She falls into an 85- year-old man with a pot belly and a five o’clock shadow. He loses control of his cane and goes tumbling as well. By now you get the picture, one dead beat old geezer after another falling on top of each other. Captured on film or even the naked eye, it looks like human dominoes falling one after another, until before you know it the corridor is flooded with old bodies scattered across the floor, as far as the eye can see. Incomprehensible words, screams, crying fill the air, it is mass hysteria. Quickly CNA Janey runs out with her stethoscope and blood pressure cuff, frazzled beyond belief.

I need to hurry up and get vital signs on all I 00 of these old farts. Whichone should I do first?

Fellow CNA Rachel watches Janey with a look of both bemusement and disgust.

What in the world is wrong with you, Janey, you would never make it on the night shift with that hurry-up attitude and manner of yours.

What do you mean?

You’ve got to pace yourself, Janey, getting yourself worked up into a frenzy and racing around here looking for stethoscopes, like a chicken with his head cut off, you are going to bum yourself out.

What do you mean?

I mean you have to slow down and not panic. First thing you do when you see all those deadbeats hit the ground is head for the break room and get a soda and a snack. That is presuming you are not in the middle of a good movie or an interesting book.

Why would I do that?

AHHH, I can see this is going to be harder than I thought, you are so naive, Janey! Because if you are not around and no one sees you, you don’t have to clean up this mess.

But what about the residents, they are on the ground, they might be hurt? Janey, they have already fallen, there is nowhere else for them to go. If they are hurt, you racing over there to do vital signs isn’t going to make them any better. Besides, the quicker you get them up, the quicker they are just going to fall again. It is too late now because we are already over here, and everyone is looking at us, so I will help you out this time, but don’t let this happen again or you are on your own.

How would you like to be lying on that stinky floor? Janey, old people like to stink!

What, oh that is awful, how could you be so mean and cruel?

I’ve been a CNA for IO years, Janey, how long have you been a CNA, like 3 months? I am telling you, old people like to stink. If! had a nickel for every time I tried to clean up a resident or give one a shower, thinking I would make them feel better, and they yelled rape, murder, leave me alone, you asshole etc., and they...started hitting and biting me, I would be a billionaire.

Why would they do that?

Because they like to stink and don’t want to be bathed! Well, maybe you are right.

Of course, I am right.

Wouldn’t you know it, just like Murphy’s law states: if something can go wrong it will, and you can’t get any more wrong than Nurse Dee Dee. As she is popping diet pills and eating a funnel cake Nurse Dee Dee overhears the CNAs conversation and waddles over to chastise them.

Such language is abuse and will not be tolerated. I am sorry, ma’ am, it will never happen again.

Me too, agrees Rachel.

Well, OK, in addition to being an excellent Nurse, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, so I will forgive you.

Thank you, Nurse Dee Dee. Thank you, Nurse Dee Dee.

You are welcome, now take care and comfort my residents.

Yes, ma’am.

Yes, ma’am.

Still, Rachel can’t help but wonder if that hypocritical scumbag Nurse Dee Dee is not going to rat them out and blab to President Dewey Screwem and Vice President Ann Howe.

While all of this is going on, Nurse Tilly is behind the desk frantically shuffling through incident report forms, trying in vain to get 100 copies. Looks like Buster, in customer service, needs to get off his fat ass and go and make some copies.

Meanwhile, back on the floor, you hear moans of:

Tiff, Tiff, Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with you. My legs are aching like anything.

Nurse, Nurse, I’m on the floor, help me now, Nurse.

Oh don’t, I don’t like it that way.

Oh Lordy, Lordy, I be hurting’ so bad it’s like I done died five times over. I need help, I need help.

One man, who looks fairly well preserved physically for an old timer, asks if he could get up, and get some food for a horse?

With only two stand up lifts and one hoyer lift in the whole complex, it could be days before all these dead beats are up off the ground.

Good thing there is a bright young kid working in laundry, who is considerate enough to take time away from watching TV, to occasionally throw some garments in the washing machine. At least, there will be clean blankets for the residents to bundle up with while they camp out on the floor overnight.

CHAPTER 2

Pseudo-Studies

This is where I have a bone to pick with the so-called experts, who sit around all day and dream up ways to prevent seniors from falling. How do they know seniors don’t like to fall? What else do they have to do besides sleep, go to the bathroom, and ingest tons of pain killers? After all, do we really do anything that we don’t like to? I am telling you, seniors like to fall! I mean why do you eat out at restaurants, why do you join a bowling league, why do you watch TV or eat strawberry ice cream? Because you like to. None of us do anything we don’t like to. Sure, you can argue that addicts engage in activities every day that they don’t like, but I ask you, has anyone ever seen a study from John Hopkins University or Harvard Medical School that says falling is an addiction? I think not. I would argue also that, initially, addicts do get a great deal of satisfaction out of their vice, it just got out of hand.

It is totally unnecessary to devise programs like Fall Prevention, Breaking the Cycle. What cycle?

Even if someone could convince me that the elderly do not like to fall, falls are at an all-time low. No program has to be put in place for a student who averages 98% on all his or her tests.

Look at these figures, aren’t they astounding, isn’t it incredible how skilled the CNAs and Nurses are? At FeudalCare Nursing Home there are about I 00 residents. It is possible that a resident could fall every hour. There are 24 hours in a day. 7 days a week. Approximately 30 days in a month and 365 days a year. So:

l00 residents

24 hours a day

2400 possible falls a day

365 days a year

876,000 possible falls a year

156 actual falls a year

875,844 falls prevented

Suddenly, even though it is 2005, the song We’re Gonna Party Like it is 1999 blares over the PA system. Gradually the music softens until there is total silence. FeudalCare President Dewey Screwem grabs the microphone. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Louisiana Super Dome for tonight’s EXTRAVAGANZA!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I want to congratulate all the dedicated CNAs and Nurses for preventing approximately 876,000 falls and potential broken bones this year. In order for us to show our undying (pun intended) appreciation for a job well done, we have spared no expense. Just like one of Jennifer Lopez’s weddings.

Upon completion of Screwem’s diatribe, dehydrated Aides and Nurses stampede over to the open bar, like soldiers storming the beach at Normandy. Then it is on to the appetizer table to satisfy their famished gullets on boiled shrimp and caviar. Forty-five minutes later a bell sounds, which could mean only one thing: dinner is served. Angus prime rib followed by bananas foster for dessert. Dinner and dessert is immediately followed by live entertainment from one of the world’s premiere bands. The entertainers take a break and once again President Screwem takes the microphone.

Ladies and Gentlemen, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence to thank the Big Fella upstairs forth is delicious feast and for blessing us with the opportunity to be employed by FeudalCare. I want to personally thank him for such a fine work force. Oh, and by the way, thanks also for a record money-making year.

Speeches, awards, presentations, and high fives honor these magnificent heroes for their success in fall and broken bone prevention. Tearful family members take the podium, thanking FeudalCare CNAs and Nurses for the tens of thousands of falls and broken bones spared their loved ones.

Protecting and preventing residents from falling is all that matters, a beaming Screwem shouts into the microphone. It’s all about insuring our loved ones’ safety, a somber Vice President Ann Howe chimes in. All of the FeudalCare Associates had an absolutely marvelous time at the party. V.P. Howe took it upon herself to make sure all her prized employees got back to their penthouse suites at the Hilton Hotel safely by personally chauffeuring the limousine. Ann is a fine Christian woman who abstains from all alcoholic beverages (you know, treat your body like a temple) so she was the only one in any condition to drive. Of course Ann would never begrudge her Aides and Nurses of tipping back a few cocktails (judge not, least you be judged). Ann is very uncomfortable forcing her views on other people.

The following day all CNAs and Nurses were jetted back home in the company’s private Lear Jet. Needless to say, all involved had an absolutely wonderful and unforgettable experience.

The dreaming FeudalCare CNA wakes up and is quickly brought back to reality with a thud, like a 2 by 4 hitting him smack across the face. President Screwem and V. P. Howe are FURIOUS! And they severely reprimand the CNA for dozing off How dare a lowly Aide fall asleep at such an important meeting discussing fall prevention.

At all costs, FeudalCare Management must break something that is fixed. Moronic ideas such as hipsters and body alarms are now going to be installed at break neck speed (pun intended). Hipsters really are a stroke of genius! At least it was for the con man who duped the entire Elder Industry. He somehow miraculously convinced Old People Executives into believing that 2 flimsy egg