This Book Will Make You Sad (But You Should Read It Anyway)

By Ananda Fox

"Not everybody has to be happy all the time. That's not mental health, that's crap." -Dr. Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy.
This is not a happy book. This book features poems about depression, the struggles of ADHD, and how to deal with pain when you don't think you can.
But, you should read it anyway. If only because, like me, sometimes you need someone else to put into words the things you don't know how to say... or sometimes can't.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ananda Foerch
• Release date: Jul 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201916541

Ananda Fox

Ananda Fox writes poetry when the inspiration strikes. She has an AA in English that she always tells herself will be a BA but she never finds the time. Other books are: "Yellow Lights Save Lives"

Book preview

taking Billie Eilish stan to a whole new level

Billie Eilish was the first sad girl I'd ever seen say

F*** you of course I'm sad

Instead of putting on a pretty smile

She put her middle fingers up and said

This is who I am, this is what I write. Deal with it.

I dedicate this book to Billie Eilish not because she creates wonderful songs (and they are absolutely amazing)

But because she was the first person I felt had given me permission to write sad things

And not give a f*** who it bothered

part one

the airport

i saw her at the airport (and somehow i knew that she was sad)

I look at this woman and I see sadness.

She is grieving, and I fear it is for the husband that gave her the very ring that sits on her left hand, third finger. Useless and cheap without the person what had given it to her, but she'll wear it all the same.

She'll wear it to forget the awful pain burning in her chest. She'll wear it to forget the tears that'll burst forth from her without warning and the ones she won't be able to conceal and the ones she will, despite the fact that she shouldn't.

But, she'll wear it to remember, too.

She'll wear it to remember their first anniversary. I imagine the two of them walking along a beach, their arms swinging happily back and forth, despite the fact that we are surrounded by snow on all sides and it makes more sense for them to have shared a fight on a ski lift. She'll wear it to remember his face and his eyes, terror gripping her as they fade, like everything else, with time. She'll wear it because, on the nights when she falls asleep easily, she'll want to remember the feel of his hand in hers and having the weight of the ring on her hand makes it easier, imagining that, if she reached out, she'll be able to touch him and feel the warmth that'll be deprived to her.

But all of that is a dream. It's a painful one that burrows itself deep into her chest, like a drill that she doesn't want to stop, and despite the fact that it hurts her, despite the fact that it would free her, she can't find it in herself to release him, because, as long as she wears the ring, she can pretend he is out there, somewhere, waiting for her to come home.

If she wears the ring she can imagine that he'll step back through the door, a smile on his face, flowers in his hand, and he'll be home.

The nightmares will fade, and she will be whole.

But that day will never come.

It doesn't do to dwell on the imagined what if's. He's no longer alive and as long as she wears the ring, it'll be like she's slowly dying too, day by day, piece by piece, giving herself over to the dream until there is nothing left but days passed by and a lovely dream that she clung to because she