Finding Joy

By Carla McMann

After the suicide of her sister, Carla’s world turned upside down. Having contemplated the act herself for years, the tragic incident drastically altered her life perspective. She kept a journal for her sister, which is what you are now holding in your hands. Carla’s poems reflect the raw authenticity of grief; they are unfiltered and unapologetic, jagged and oftentimes vulgar. But as you explore the passages of her journey to the center of her sorrow, you just may discover the very joy that had been there from the start, and never left. Her words will reach into your core, break your heart, and make you whole again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Carla McMann
• Release date: Jun 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9781546331827

Book preview

a word of thanks:

to my family and friends,

to everyone who challenged my sense of worth,

and to you

for helping my dreams come true

the reality

it’s not like the movies.

there’s no orchestra

playing in somber keys

as you weep.

no angelic visitations,

no communing with spirits

as you sleep.

no reversing time,

no bringing back the dead

with true love’s kiss.

no sense of closure.

no goodbye.

not even an answer

to your

why?

just a phantom limb

you’ll always miss.

the viewing

cold anticipation

knocks in your heart

dread weighs heavy in your veins

yet you force yourself to look

to confirm the knowledge

you don’t want to accept

bloated and leathered

by embalming fluid

the corpse in the casket

looks more like a mannequin

than the person you knew

a moment

half hopeful,

half desperate

creeps over you

and you silently ask

who is that?

(surely this is a fucking hoax

a poorly made replica

she paid the funeral home

to create

so that she could escape

to an island somewhere

and sip mojitos

and not have to say sorry

or goodbye)

so if that isn’t you,

where the fuck are you?

looking down at me from heaven

screaming up at me from hell

recycled into a new body

never to remember me again

except perhaps in dreams

or are you simply no more?

is there such a thing

as peace, as rest

an eternal nothingness

and is that supposed to be mercy?

that your light was extinguished?

surely not

i can still feel it

you haven’t gone,

have you?

you are

there, here

nowhere, everywhere

invisible

yet tangible

as the wind

how the fuck

could you do this

to me?

to everybody?

this is a fucking hoax.

right?

(please.)

but your weary eyes

and the corpse in the casket

whisper without words

that

this

is

not

a

hoax.

never again

i wanted to touch it.

her blood.

the puddle of it in the soil.

the place where she did it.

taste it, even.

i just wanted to feel

some part of her again.

i wanted to wash her hair

hold her hand

make her laugh.

i wanted to go back in time

take the gun from her hand

hold her in my arms

and never let go.

now that i could never

ever

have her again

she was all i wanted.

the almost comic tragedy

how ironic

that people bring flowers

to a funeral

as if we aren’t

already painfully reminded

that all beautiful things

eventually die.

anywhere but here

all

Reviews for Finding Joy

[gwendolyngrace · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

5 Stars! Just Wow! I really loved how this story came together! A more detailed review to come!

ARC provided by author for an honest review.

[kate.good · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

You know what gets me hot? Smart writing. And this book? Is written brilliantly. The themes woven throughout, the banter, the wittiness. I seriously swooned. Remembering Joy was wonderful. Finding Joy is amazing. You can see the growth of Jenni Moen's writing ability so well. That's saying a lot since I was someone that was jumping up and down yelling about how great her writing was in her first book and it's gotten even better!

Ok, let's talk about the book.

If you read Remembering Joy, you know where we start (and if you haven't, what the hell are you doing here? Go read it! Go now and come back when you have. Scoot!)

So, this book is about Adam and Alexis finding out if they really "work". Can they make it? Can they pull through after all the history and pain that is between them? Of course I was screaming "they have to!!!" But you have to read it to find out if they can :)

The real world is settling in, there are outside factors encroaching on their lives and now they have to deal with the reality of friends and family that don't understand how these two people could possibly be good for each other. There are gauntlets thrown and mazes that have to be navigated and it's all written so beautifully.

What I loved, loved, loved was that this was real feeling. Adam and Alexis had to grow in their relationship. They needed to figure out how to live together, and most certainly how to communicate. There is a scene that had me just well, swooning over the brilliant character that is Adam. When you read the boat scene, ping me and tell me if that was not one of the most amazing scenes you have ever written. I freaking LOVED it. I told my husband that any time we need to talk something through, we are now renting a row boat. The boat also cemented my undying love for Adam. He is just such a calming force in Allie's life. His personality and his love for Allie just make me... sigh. He is awesomesauce.

This book is certainly not all puppy dogs and rainbows. It's emotional, riveting and heart wrenching. It's happy, it's sad, it's everything in between. In then end you will be so thankful that you read it and so thankful that Jenni Moen created such an amazing story. I promise.

[bookstobreathe · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review. Review to follow as part of the blog tour.