Not Just a Man’s Problem: The Widespread Struggle of Porn and Lust Among Christian Women

By Eden Simmons

The deepest, most robust fear I felt growing up as a female in the Christian church was being honest about my deepest struggle—pornography. The idea of opening up about my secret sin was almost unthinkable. I swore to never confess, because I truly thought I was the only one who had ever had this problem and this desire. I hit a breaking point and couldn’t hold in my secret any longer. Sharing with another woman was one of the most frightening things I have ever done, but the wave of relief of knowing that I wasn’t alone was worth it all.

From that point forward, the Lord began to show me, through the power of vulnerability, that I wasn’t alone in this battle. A battle I thought only men were supposed to deal with turned out to be a burden that too many of us women were carrying in silence. I began to share my story openly with those around me, and my life was never the same. Hearing other women’s stories brought such a profound sense of freedom. I began to think that there must be a way more women could hear each other’s real stories. That’s when I realized, there is such a great need for resources on this topic. What better way to break down walls than by sharing women’s real experiences, accompanied with solid biblical truth?

Thus, this book was born.

Not Just a Man’s Problem contains 11 chapters, seven of which are testimonies from women ages 19-26 centered around their personal struggles with pornography. The other four chapters are topical, research-based chapters, with topics including biblical sexuality, masturbation, parenting, and shame. These chapters work together to reveal the reality that pornography is not just a man’s problem.

• Language: English
• Publisher: LifeRich Publishing
• Release date: Apr 29, 2022
• ISBN: 9781489741301

Eden Simmons

Eden Simmons was raised in Southern California, but has lived in Little Rock, Arkansas since 2017. After graduating from homeschool she went on to get her cosmetology license. She now works in the Missions Department of her local church, and plans to serve overseas for the Gospel of Christ.

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ISBN: 978-1-4897-4129-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4897-4131-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4897-4130-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022907161

LifeRich Publishing rev. date: 04/11/2022

CONTENTS

Preface

Acknowledgements

Prologue

Introduction

Chapter 1 My Story

Chapter 2 A Theology of Sexual Sin

Chapter 3 Madison, Age 20

Chapter 4 Emma, Age 25

Chapter 5 Shame

Chapter 6 Olivia, Age 21

Chapter 7 Parenting

Chapter 8 Isabella, Age 23

Chapter 9 Masturbation

Chapter 10 Savannah, Age 26

Chapter 11 Sarah, Age 22

PREFACE

To the women whose stories are included in this book...

I am so proud of you.

How joyful it is that we’re at this point in the process! Your bravery has changed my life for the better, healed us in ways we didn’t expect, and blessed God’s heart so greatly. Some of you I have known for years, while others I met through this project, but regardless of how long—or to what extent—I have known you, I am so grateful for you and your story. Getting to personally hear your story has been such a gift, and I have not taken it lightly. Thinking of the way God has intricately woven our paths to meet, and for our hearts to be in the same place at the same time is so awe-inspiring. Porn is not the only common denominator we share; we are bonded by a love for Christ. The power of mutual suffering, as well as mutual sin, has shown me how freeing vulnerability can be for others. Your vulnerability has helped me personally, and I can’t wait to see how God uses it on a bigger scale.

This book met me in a difficult season, as you know. I felt useless, and often my time felt wasted. But if meeting you or discussing this with you was the only thing God used this season for, it’d be absolutely worth it. I wouldn’t change what has happened for anything.

I hope and pray that as you read through this book in its finality, that you feel empowered and not ashamed, and that you will feel just as blessed and in awe of each other’s stories as I have felt writing and editing them. It’s abundantly clear that we are not alone. And even if we each count as just a drop, together we can make a river.

I love you, and I can’t wait to begin this journey with you all. Let’s do it!

To the one who has struggled...

My friend, you are not alone.

You may feel super excited to read a resource like this. Or maybe you’re horrified, yet feel this is what you need to hear. For some, pornography is an ongoing struggle or even addiction. For others, it was something we tried for a while but experienced immediate victory in giving it up. Regardless of where you’re at in your journey of overcoming pornography, I want to meet you where you are right now. This is a shame-free space to bring yourself, your story, and your future, knowing this isn’t the end of your road. I personally know the feeling of deep shame and embarrassment that comes from hiding this struggle. I still vividly remember the dark thoughts that came into my head, and at the time, I would have sworn I was the only one who felt this way.

But girl, I am overjoyed to let you know that it isn’t just you. You are not the only female in all of history that has struggled with porn or lust or masturbation—and you better believe I’m using those words! The words you believed to be a branding on your soul to tell the rest of the world, I’m a freak. I’m unworthy. I’m guilty. I felt the urge to cover it all up and pretend that I hadn’t done anything questionable. I tried to maintain the status of pure or innocent. But there is no need to hide. In fact, hiding is exactly what’s keeping you locked up in that prison of shame and destruction. The cycle of addiction is broken when we bring others into the fight.

These words I’m speaking to you on this page will echo throughout the rest of the book. But in case they aren’t clear enough, fall back on these truths:

You are worthy of love and forgiveness.

You will not be thrown out because of your past.

God has been there with you the entire time. There has not been a minute or a moment when you have been truly alone.

Honestly, this book was really difficult to write, and I know it may be difficult to read. Vulnerability isn’t easy—it’s actually really uncomfortable. But the more of us that stand up and tell the truth, the easier it will be for others to be honest, too. I’m more than happy to be some of the first in what I hope is a movement of other women speaking up about this issue.

The beautiful thing about this book is that it’s not just me speaking. Six other women have decided they want to step out in vulnerability, too, by sharing their own stories. Please rest in their wisdom and feel known and seen.

I’m excited to go on this journey with you. Healing can be far more difficult than you think, but I know for a fact that it’s far more beautiful than you could imagine. Are you ready?

To the parent...

Hello. I am probably about to make you sad, conflicted, confused, and maybe even a bit hurt. But I hope you know that my intention is solely to bring healing and reconciliation. This information isn’t intended to create more division between you and your child, but to build a bridge to talk about this difficult subject.

I have never been in your position before—that of raising another human and trying your absolute hardest to protect their hearts and nurture their minds. The very fact that you are doing that deserves my utmost respect. But, we also need to realize that nobody is perfect, and we are always messing up and needing to adapt to reality. I am honestly proud of you for even being willing to read a book about this subject, because I know it’s not easy.

Although I’ve never been in your position before, I may have been in your daughter’s position. Regardless of what you’ve done as her parent, this can feel like a prison in which she’s stuck. A prison where vulnerability is the key to get out, but she is convinced it will be the death of her. The idea of sharing about this struggle with your parents is horrifying, in the same way as it may be for you to share your deepest, darkest struggle with your parents. All I ask is that you can meet us with grace, acceptance, and openness. We all sin and fall short—including those you least expect. It can feel like you’ve been lied to, and you may have been lied to, but it wasn’t because of you, it was because of the feelings trapping us.

I hate that this topic is a reality, but my feelings do not determine reality, and I hate to break it to you, but yours don’t either. Stepping out with a willingness to learn and grow is the first step, and I’m grateful to walk through it with you.

I would also like to add that this may not be your child’s experience. Please don’t feel burdened by the assumption that your child is keeping this a secret from you, because they may not be. My main point is not that every girl has struggled with this, but only that more have struggled with this than we have previously assumed. So, don’t burn every bridge of trust with your child because of what you’re about to read.

To the pastor or counselor...

Welcome! I’m really glad you’re here.

If you’re a male, I know you probably don’t feel comfortable with the idea of sitting down and chatting with a teenage girl about her struggles with sexual-related sin; and in fact, never do that. Instead, facilitate use of resources like this with the women’s pastor at your church or perhaps a female Christian counselor. Too, there needs to be a more realistic view when it comes to addressing this topic from the pulpit. When I hear pastors talk about pornography or lust, I have felt misrepresented, because you may simply not know our side of the story. I hope and pray that this book can balance the scale and provide a more accurate depiction of the struggle for us all.

Again, I must emphasize that it needs to be a wise, godly woman in your congregation who discusses this issue with other women who are struggling.

I am here to meet you with both of our best intentions, most earnest efforts, and most teachable spirits.

As for the counselors, I am aware that my training is not in psychology or the multitude of complexities of human experience. But I can tell you my story and what the Bible says about who we are. I really hope these testimonies can serve to be beneficial to your practice. And I’m grateful for you stepping out in vulnerability.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

For all the editing and directional advice, I must thank Madison Offenbacker, Trish Monnahan, Drew Morgan, Olivia Blasdel, Jane Simmons, and Brad Loften. Perhaps most of all I want to thank Barrett Gay: the work you’ve contributed to the book in terms of grammar, general editing, and championing me every step of the way has been monumental. The book should really be "written by Eden Simmons with Barrett Gay." You’re a real one. I also want to acknowledge Sara Santos for designing this beautiful cover. You are amazing Sara. Also thank you David Hernandez for taking the photo of me on the cover. You’re a real one David.

Jean Payne—my mentor, the answer to my prayers, and my sweet friend. I love you, Ms. Jean, and your wisdom has been a treasure to include in this book. You’ve left a mark on my life, and I really do want to be you when I grow up.

To my family—I’m forever indebted to you. Thank you for letting me be a bit crazy and for supporting me in my crazy efforts. Your willingness to let your 19-year-old daughter move across the world or write a book on pornography really reflects your strong faith in the Lord. Mom, you’re my best friend. I love you, I’m proud of you, and I’m already going to be you when you grow up, so what’s the point of wishing. Dad, you’re the most treasured man in my life. You operate in every aspect with the greatest grace and gentleness. I love you. Josiah, you’re the wisest guy I know—for real. Your friendship as well as your instruction is so precious to me. I’m glad God chose you to be my brother. Luke and Chloe, you guys are real ones, I love you.

And finally, thanks be to God. I would have never written this book if it hadn’t been You guiding me to do so. You have been my value and my highest good through it all. I’m ready to walk