Seeing the Unseen: A Handbook for Caregivers of Children with Attachment Wounds

By Felicia Stewart

Don’t you wish children really did come with instructions? Caregivers of children with attachment difficulties, who have experienced childhood trauma, often don’t know that they need to parent differently to meet their child’s specific needs and help them to start making sense of the world. Seeing the Unseen is a one-stop-shop for families who are besieged.
Learn the founding principles of attachment and trauma theory.
Understand why it’s important to put on your oxygen mask first.
Discover how to become a trauma detective.
Access practical strategies to tackle behaviours—from sleep issues to sibling rivalry, manipulation to miscommunication.
Easy to navigate and written in a straightforward style, Seeing the Unseen is a must-have for adoptive and foster caregivers. It will also benefit anyone who has been touched by attachment disruption, including divorce.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Jan 31, 2022
• ISBN: 9781528989831

Felicia Stewart

Felicia Stewart is a former PR executive and travel writer who found herself in a distorted parenting space following the adoption of a toddler in 2005. For 16 years she has been on a journey to understand the challenging behaviours that she faced each day; studying under the trauma masters, Peter Levine, Diane Poole Heller, Janina Fisher, Bruce Perry, and many other experts in the field. Alongside her work helping families living with attachment difficulties, Felicia is a certified tea master and transpersonal coach.

Book preview

About the Author

Felicia Stewart is a former PR executive and travel writer who found herself in a distorted parenting space following the adoption of a toddler in 2005. For 14 years she has been on a journey to understand the challenging behaviours that she faced each day; studying under the trauma masters, Peter Levine, Diane Poole Heller, Janina Fisher, Bruce Perry, and many other experts in the field.

Alongside her work helping families living with attachment difficulties, Felicia has trained as a specialist tea master and offers coaching in mindful tea practice.

Dedication

For Maria

~ with gratitude for holding the other end of the rope

Copyright Information ©

Felicia Stewart 2022

The right of Felicia Stewart to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781528989824 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781528989831 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2022

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

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Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

Introduction

Seeing the Forest, Not the Trees

Children arrive on the earth as the most vulnerable mammals, and they know it from the second they are born. Human beings must be cared for and protected immediately upon birth by another human being or they die. When young humans have an inconsistent or disorganised caregiving, they can also develop ‘failure to thrive’ and fail to meet their developmental milestones with severe consequences.

Children in institutions or the foster care system experience additional vulnerabilities because they often lack a secure and reliable protector. When they make the shift into adoptive or foster families, they bring with them the core belief that when we trust adults, it creates vulnerability.

A child may feel it is better to depend on no one for care and protection rather than have his needs go unmet. His brain tells him, You can trust no one. You are in it on your own. The only person you can trust is yourself. But deep down, children know that they are kids, they are vulnerable, and they won’t make it on their own. That brings a profound sense of loss as well as a longing to belong. As they feel this deep emotion, they may act out their pain in many bizarre and disturbing ways.

Because traditional parenting techniques don’t work, and day-to-day life is out of control, caregivers begin to see their child as a list of behaviours or problems to fix; not a whole person with a backstory that is entangled and enigmatic. Metaphorically, we ’see the trees not the forest’. Regrettably, caregivers are not alone in this. Paediatricians, psychiatrists, psychologists, and general practitioners focus on maladaptive behaviour; preferring to handout parenting advice or medication rather than noticing the complex psychological and somatic symptoms that shape the whole child.

In many cases, it is up to the parent to follow the trail; seeing the forest in its expansiveness, the big trees and the small trees, the minutiae to expansive.

This handbook’s primary purpose is to lighten the burden of parents who live with children with (mal)adaptive behaviours. Education and understanding helps us better support our children to become more empowered, to gain back the hope that was lost, and to develop resilience and access to greater vitality.

This is our journey. For our child’s healing.

Look After Yourself

As you work your way through this handbook, stay attuned to your own progress and feelings. Reflecting on the impact of the difficult start our children and young people had in their lives can sometimes evoke feelings of distress or concern.

Be sure to monitor your own emotional reactions to this material. Seek out support from family, friends, or a professional.

Part One

Anchored in Knowledge

Children who have experienced foster care, institutionalisation, maltreatment and neglect, present unique challenges for caregivers. Treatment for the psychological and behavioural issues common to these children has typically been administered through the traditional medical model. However, long waiting lists for treatment and lack of practitioner expertise in dealing with children with complex needs who don’t ‘fit the box’ has created a need for alternative support. The snag here is that most parents don’t know where to start, mostly, because they ’don’t know what they are looking at’.

At the outset of the adoption or fostering process, prospective parents are required to attend a workshop that offers an introduction to a handful of topics including bonding and attachment, and transracial/transcultural implications. Caregivers are assured that bonding and behavioural difficulties may manifest themselves during the first months after their arrival but, very often, these shortcomings disappear once the child has fully been integrated into his environment.

When things don’t go to plan – that is, attachment has not formed and daily life can only be described as toxic – caregivers are chastised by professionals, family, and friends for letting their child be in control (not strict enough, too light with discipline) or lacking the ability to love and nurture a child (because love is all you need, right?).

It is not uncommon for exasperated caregivers to look at their child and say, What’s wrong with you? But this is the wrong question. In early 2018, during a 60-minute segment with child psychologist, Dr Bruce Perry, Orpah Winfrey gave voice to the question society should be asking, What happened to you? (the events that caused terror and or helplessness). This shift in perspective comes down to what Winfrey calls a life-changing question.

"See, we go through life and we see kids who are misbehaving. ‘You juvenile delinquents,’ we label them. And really the question that we should be asking is not ‘what’s wrong with that child but ’what happened to that child?’ And then having the resources to be able to address what happened to you."

But this is not enough. Gretchen Schmelzer, author of Journey Through Trauma (2018), offers two additional questions for caregivers to ponder, What aided survival? (the ways your child shut down, geared up, or escaped) and What didn’t happen? (the growth and development your child missed because he was surviving). And if we truly focus on healing, there is space for a fourth question, What is right with you? (your child as an agent in the creation of his own well-being rather than a victim of traumatic events).

Let’s start the journey afresh by ‘hooking’ into knowledge. Because knowledge is what helps us to ‘see the unseen’ – and that is empowering.

What Is Attachment Disorder?

The study of attachment started after World War II as psychologists started looking at the aftereffects of children having been separated from their parents during the war. Prior to this, the psychology of child development resembled a rear-view mirror approach by looking at how adults remembered challenges in their childhood. But after World War II, psychologists looked at actual children and their difficulties and began to understand something fundamental about how we organise ourselves and our relationships and how we understand the world.

The theory of attachment was first proposed by John Bowlby in 1969 who described it as a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings. He considered that children needed to develop a secure attachment with their primary caregiver in the infant years. Why? Because it forms