Is This the Way to Joy?

By Stephanie Outten

Life has a way of vomiting all over you leaving you to lay in it or trust God to clean it up. God never said it would be easy, but in the end it would be worth it!

That’s what Delaney Richardson, Bellamy Pope, Milagros “Millie” Lopez, and Paige Holland discover in this breakout novel, Is This the Way to Joy? Tr

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cocoon to Wings Publishing, LLC.
• Release date: Dec 12, 2016
• ISBN: 9780997460810

Stephanie Outten

Stephanie Outten is a dynamic Woman of God, author, spiritually-led transformation and growth agent coaching women who want to break free from their cocoon, set their wings free, and take flight in order to passionately pursue everything God has purposed for their lives. Through her business, Cocoon to Wings Coaching, she uses her 20 years of experience in Human Resources to guide female associates and leaders in making successful power moves in life and work. She's the owner of Cocoon to Wings Publishing, LLC where she coaches other spiritually-led authors seeking to bring their books to life. Stephanie released the pain of her own past in order to write her future power story. She believes that when we Soar in life, then we can Pour into the lives of those God has assigned to us. Stephanie's second novel in the "Joy" trilogy, "I Found Joy," will be released in 2018. Please visit Stephanie at www.StephanieOutten.com to learn more about her coaching programs, services, and additional products.

Book preview

Chapter 1

DELANEY RICHARDSON

As I paced across the floor, almost burning a hole in the dark cherry hardwood that laid so perfectly in my 20 feet by 20 feet master bedroom suite, I wiped invisible sweat from my brow. My nerves were like fingernails scraping against a chalkboard sending chills up and down my spine as I stared at the EPT Home Pregnancy Test in my hand. I’d bought so many of these over the past 5 years that I’d actually thought about buying stock in the company. My sweaty hands shook as I stared at the indicator screen praying to God that this would be it. I held onto the mantel of the electric fireplace that was in our bedroom solely for aesthetics. I closed my brown eyes as I took a deep breath.

This was the 10th time! 10 pregnancy tests in the past five years, and each time the test came back the same: NOT PREGNANT! I had flung the still-wet stick across the bathroom. The negative symbol on the EPT test, along with the doctor’s confirmation that I wasn’t pregnant, was devastating. Lawrence, Law, my husband’s nickname from college, and I had been married for 10 years, together for 15, but it wasn’t until five years ago that we decided we wanted to have a family. When things weren’t happening naturally after year four, we chose to seek out a fertility specialist to make sure everything was okay with both of us. As luck would have it, things weren’t okay with me.

My OB-GYN delivered the news… fibroids. I knew something had to be wrong with me because some months my periods would be heavier and longer. Sometimes the cramps were so excruciating, and my flow overflowed to the point that I couldn’t even go to work. I’d also started getting a sharp pain around my right ovary; a stabbing feeling that would cause me to double over in pain with no warning. I actually thought I had appendicitis, so I went to a general practitioner and had some tests done. He confirmed I didn’t have appendicitis, so I stopped paying it any attention; I chalked it up to having too much caffeine in my diet that month. At the time, the fibroids weren’t near my uterine wall, so the doctor suggested Intrauterine Insemination, IUI, artificial insemination – whatever you wanted to call it – as an option for getting pregnant. Talk to your husband, she’d said.

After I left her office, I sat in my car for 20 minutes contemplating how I would approach Law about the fertility treatments. I got lost in thought, envisioned myself pregnant with Law’s child. When I snapped out of my beautiful daydream, I looked at the clock on my car stereo and almost jumped out of my seat. If I didn’t leave right away, I would surely be late to the restaurant and that was the last thing I needed.

I hurried across town and made it to work with two minutes to spare. I was a robot, solely listening to the Chef’s directions and carrying them out. My mind was still at the doctor’s office while my body was prepping the foods for today’s menu. We had a pretty busy day with lots of customers, so I was beat. By the time 6:30 pm hit, I booked it to get home before Law.

I was home by 7pm, one of the benefits of working at a restaurant close to home. Law loved my Chicken Alfredo, so I prepared that once I was home. I wanted to butter him up before talking to him about my appointment. As soon as he got home, I didn’t even let him think about dinner; I was so anxious to tell him what the doctor said. We’d already been doing research into the costs of fertility treatments, so I didn’t think he would be too surprised.

Hey babe! How was work today? I asked Law as he walked over to his brown, leather recliner that looked like it had been dragged through hell and back 15 times over. I hated that recliner, but I loved me some Law Richardson, so I sacrificed the elegance of my classically modern living room for Law’s comfort.

It was cool. Busy with meetings all day. I don’t know how they expect us to get any work done with all the damn meetings they schedule, Law had a little edge in his voice. I wasn’t sure if it was the right time to talk to him about what Dr. Myer said. I dove in anyway, completely ignoring his comment about work and the fact that he had his eyes closed and head back prepared to be in chill mode. Wait, is that Chicken Alfredo I smell? His eyes popped open and he looked toward the kitchen.

I walked up behind him and began massaging his temples, something he always enjoyed. I rubbed my fingers from the front to the back of his baldhead applying just the right amount of pressure. When I heard that little groan escape from his throat, I went in…ignoring his question about dinner. I saw Dr. Myer today. She said I have uterine fibroids, which could be what’s been keeping us from getting pregnant. I waited for Law’s reaction. When he didn’t open his eyes or say anything, I continued. She said that since the fibroids haven’t broken through the uterine wall, we may want to consider doing artificial insemination right away.

Well, we’ve been doing research on that as an option, Law’s response was methodical. Did she talk to you about the costs? Law’s eyes opened into two tiny slits. I came around in front of him and sat on his lap never discontinuing his head massage. I knew just how to get my man relaxed.

She had me talk to the business office about costs and possible financing options since it’s not covered by our insurance. It’s actually less than I thought. The blood work and labs are covered by insurance, but the actual procedure is about $900. I surprised myself saying that $900 wasn’t that much money.

Let’s do it babe. It’ll be the best $900 we’ve ever spent, Law eased us off of his creaky recliner, got us both to our feet and put me in a bear hug. His words put the biggest smile on my face. I reciprocated by pushing him back down and putting a big smile on his face right in that dusty, old, beat up recliner.

********

I had to call the doctor’s office at the start of my period, go in for blood work on day three and take Clomid to stimulate ovulation. They checked all of my hormone levels to be sure everything was fine. Law had blood work and a semen analysis done, and his tests showed he had some strong swimmers. Then, I had to check for ovulation using the First Response Digital Daily Ovulation Test, and on the day that I got that smiley face on the digital ovulation tester, I called the doctor’s office so we could go in the next day for the procedure. Law had to give a specimen. Once that was done they took me in the small, cold room, jammed me up in the stirrups and Law watched as Dr. Myer injected Law’s sperm into me. All I could do was stare at the top of Dr. Myer’s blue scrub cap during the procedure, which took less than an hour. I could already feel it…I was going to get pregnant.

Well, evidently my heart and mind knew something that my body didn’t. I didn’t get pregnant! We tried IUI twice more with no success before Dr. Myer finally said, Two of the fibroids are growing rapidly, and one is piercing your uterine wall. I’m recommending surgery at this point to give you a better chance of getting pregnant. We lived in New Jersey at the time, and Law had just gotten an offer to work for Georgetown in Washington, DC. It was an opportunity he couldn’t pass up. We put the surgery on hold. I quit my job as a Chef at a local restaurant, and we moved to start our new life in Chocolate City. Once settled, I found an OB-GYN and began the fertility process all over again. I was apprehensive about doing surgery with a new doctor, so I asked him if he felt like doing IUI one more time would be an option.

You always have options. It’s up to you and your husband to decide which option to take, Dr. Campbell said. He was one of the best OB-GYNs in the area. He came highly recommended by one of Law’s co-workers whom I had befriended. She and her husband shared a similar experience, so I trusted her recommendation. We decided to try IUI one more time, and for the fourth time, the procedure failed. I was beyond worn out, stressed out, and downright disheartened. We finally agreed to have Dr. Campbell do the surgery.

By November 2010, I had an abdominal myomectomy to have nine of those suckers removed. Laser surgery wasn’t an option. I had to be cut open to have the best chance of getting all the fibroids out. The two largest ones were the size of oranges, and two were too small, around 2 centimeters or less, for him to remove. I couldn’t believe I had to endure the pain of that awful surgery, eight long weeks of recovery and no sex, for some of them to remain inside of me. Law later told me that Dr. Campbell said he had to remove my internal organs during the procedure so he didn’t knick anything while trying to get to the fibroids. With the good came the bad. The fibroids hadn’t broken through my uterine lining, which was good. But, Dr. Campbell said they could continue to grow, which was definitely bad. Worst of all, they could still impede me from ever getting pregnant.

After fully recovering, we decided to try IUI again. I was a glutton for punishment. We could see the dollar signs racking up like the hundreds of books we kept on our bookshelves. We’d become desperate. We would have done anything to get pregnant. When the fifth time didn’t work we tried one final time. After the sixth time and about $7,000 later, Law and I gave up our hopes of ever having our own children. I was crushed, and I could only imagine how Law was feeling. He never talked about it, and that’s when I began to feel the pregnancy divide forming between me and my husband. I felt like my heart was a glass puzzle and the pieces had slowly begun to shatter.

I prayed, fasted, wrote in my journal, cried, prayed some more, and I even invited my good friends to host prayer vigils for me. It was as if I had lost something so precious and I needed the world to help me search for it. I was relentless. Still, nothing worked. After my SIXTH defeat, I read back through my journal hoping to find some semblance of hope in my broken world. I knew God had not cast a spirit of barrenness over me. That just wasn’t my portion in this, or any other lifetime.

When I read back through my journal, I almost jumped out of my skin when I read the words I had written after the first IUI failed. The Word of God said that barrenness was an exception and not the rule. So God, barrenness is not your plan for my life. You have the power to break any curse that has been spoken over my womb, and I trust you today, God, that the curse is broken. You said that you would make the barren women to keep house and be a joyful mother of children. My joy begins today for I know I will conceive in my own womb and bring forth children into this world. After reading this, my spirit was revived. Law and I were going to conceive. It was just a matter of time…if time could just be on our side.

********

Almost two years passed. We had moved to Orlando, Florida, and Law was the new Principal at a charter school; and we were done trying naturally. Our relationship was being tested in a major way. We had never gone to bed angry after an argument, but with all of the stress and pressure of this pregnancy situation, we nipped at each other like two Chihuahuas nipping at their owner’s heels. This happened all the time - for no reason. Law would be frustrated about something at work, so he would take it out on me. I was pissed about getting bad reviews on the food I’d prepared at the restaurant, so I took it out on Law. It felt like we forgot about the love, or maybe the love forgot about us. Where is the Love? The 1972 hit by Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway became my theme song.

I decided I would be content with never having children, never being a mother, and never being what Law needed in a wife. We were both getting ready for work one day, Law in the bathroom and me in the bedroom. The time was right to have the discussion I’d been so afraid to have. I blurted it out, Law, I’m tired of trying for a baby. I’m done!

I swear I saw fire in his eyes, What do you mean you’re done? he growled. So you’re saying you want to give up? My stomach got queasy when he asked that question. If you want to give up on that, why don’t you just give up on this marriage, then?

Whoa! My heart dropped into my stomach. That last question hit me like a wet towel flung at break-neck speed. What the hell are you talking about, Law? I was furious as I charged toward him pointing my finger near his face. How could you even say something like that? That was the first time any inkling of ending our marriage had come out of Law’s mouth. Clearly he had been thinking about it. Otherwise, why would he even say something so damn stupid? For the first time ever, I wanted to drop kick my husband. He didn’t even respond, which only made the situation worse. I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t believe that our desire to have children could actually cause the demise of what I thought was a wonderful relationship and marriage. We had nothing left to say to each other. We went to our respective corners of the bedroom to finish getting ready. We each left for work in silence.

As I drove to work, I thought about the day I met Law. A mutual friend was getting married, and we happened to end up seated at the same table at the wedding. We instantly had a connection and talked all night at the bar while watching football on the big screen. At the time Law was living in Atlanta and I had just started a new job in Texas. We talked for hours on the phone day and night, night and day for three months straight. We wanted to do things the right way, so we never physically visited each other because we didn’t want to be tempted to go there with each other.

But, one day while I was at home cooking up my favorite meal, Chicken Alfredo with linguine and garlic bread, I heard a knock on my front door. My kitchen was upstairs in my two-bedroom townhouse, so I had to run down one flight of steps to get to the front door. I was huffing and puffing by the time I got downstairs. Wow, I really am out of shape, I thought. When I looked through the peephole, I almost fell to my knees with surprise.

Oh my God, Law, what are you doing here? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were coming, I suddenly realized I looked like a hot mess. I had on a head wrap because I never exposed my hair while cooking food. I had on my torn, grey yoga pants that I pretty much threw on every day as soon as I got home from work, along with a tattered T-shirt that read, Free Willy. I had no clue where I’d even gotten the shirt from, but it fit great and made me feel comfortable whenever I wore it.

I tried pulling off the head wrap when Law said, Aren’t you going to invite me in? Oh my God! I swooned as I looked him up and down. His pecan-tan skin glistened in the Texas sun. His 6’ 2" football player build framed my doorway as he wiped a bead of sweat off of his sexy baldhead. I couldn’t help but to stare up into his hazel brown eyes – the eyes I got lost in.

Get in here, man! I pulled him in by his shirt. What a way to surprise a woman. I didn’t have time to say another word before Law grabbed me in a warm embrace and gently placed his soft lips on mine as we each allowed our tongues to freely explore. Whew, Jesus! Keep me near the cross, Lord! I was weak as I stared at his slight mustache leading to his goatee. I reluctantly pulled back and kept myself from doing something I so desperately wanted to do.

That night, Law and I sat on the multi-colored shag rug that my mother gave me. We fed each other Chicken Alfredo with Linguine and garlic bread while we joked and laughed in front of the electric fireplace. Of course Law teased me about the ‘awful’ rug. You know I’m questioning your taste, right?

And why is that? I raised one eyebrow like my favorite wrestler, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, and pouted my lips. I thought I saw Law’s eyebrows quickly knit together in surprise that I could raise one eyebrow, but as quickly as I thought I saw it then the skin between his eyebrows were smooth again.

This rug is a throwback from a Jamaican person’s house in the ‘70s, Law chuckled as he put another piece of garlic bread in his mouth.

"I know you didn’t! I’ll have you know that my mother is Jamaican, and we did have that rug in our house when I was growing up as a kid, I laughed through my words. As fast as my laughter came, a sense of sadness covered my face. My siblings and I played all day long on this ugly carpet, but it means something to me because it reminds me of a time when my family was happy. I’ve had it cleaned so many times over the years that it always feels new. But nothing could ever bring back the joy this carpet brought into our home."

Law studied my face. Okay, enough sad talk for now. I didn’t fly all the way out here from Atlanta for you to be sad. I thought Law was trying to redirect my feelings by saying, I have another surprise for you. He smiled from ear to ear, and a sly smile crept over my face like that of a Cheshire cat. "I know you didn’t think I was your only surprise, did you?"

What do you have in store for me now, mister? I leaned back on my forearms so I could take in all of him as I sucked on my bottom lip. I think your presence is more than enough.

Although we were both relaxed on the floor, Law pulled himself up on one knee, leaned in over me as I remained on my forearms, and stared into my eyes. I’m sure he could see the flicker of excitement in my brown eyes like someone literally had turned on the light in my eyes. What he said was a complete blur to me as he pulled out the three-carat marquis cut diamond solitaire with a white gold band. All I heard was, Delaney Marie Wilson, will you do me the honor of becoming my rib?

I burst out laughing and crying all at the same time as I wrapped Lawrence tightly around his neck, kissing him voraciously all over his bald, pecan-tan colored head. All I could say was, Yes! YES! as we fell backward into the ugly, multi-colored shag rug and made sweet, sweet love for the first time.

********

I stewed all day at work. My loving memories of how Law and I met and got engaged were flooded with my anger for how he made me feel before I left for work. That night, I purposely got home late from the restaurant because I didn’t want to face Law. I didn’t call him one time during the day when normally I would have called him at least two times to check on him. It was rare that Law was home before me because he always stayed late at the school to prepare for the next day. He had left the field of higher education and became the Principal at a charter school for at-risk youth. He took his role as the Principal of the school very seriously. Sometimes, I thought he missed being a college Dean. But, it was evident how much he loved his role as Principal. He loved the kids like they were his own, and he played the role of father figure to many of the young men and young women at the school.

Every night he came home with exhaustion written on his face. I knew how hard he worked to make the students, the school, and the faculty better, and that took a toll on his well-being. I figured today wasn’t any different, and as much as he had pissed me off that morning, I still respected his moments of rest. Even as I got home, I thought Law might be asleep so I was extra quiet as I ascended the stairs holding onto the black, wrought iron banister that I hated so much. We used to have a dark cherry wood banister that I loved because it matched our flooring, but Law thought it would look more regal if we put in the wrought iron. Instead of feeling regal, it just felt cold to me as I slid my lilac polished gel nails across the banister. I couldn’t keep my real nails looking good working in the restaurant all day, so I found that gel covering my nails really worked wonders.

I didn’t have good words for Law, so I wanted to just avoid him altogether. Turns out he was on the phone talking to his best friend, Todd. He didn’t know I was home, which was just what I wanted, so I listened from outside of our bedroom door.

Man, you just don’t understand what I’m feeling. You and Tracey have four kids. Me and Delaney can’t even pop out one. It’s making me crazy. I don’t know what Todd was saying on the other end of the line. The good thing was that Todd was supportive of Law and me, so I knew he wasn’t bad-mouthing me. Law continued, I’m not sure we’re gonna make it. I want children. I want them with my wife, but if she can’t have kids then maybe I married the wrong woman.

What the? I mumbled under my breath. I was so tired of him drilling down like this entire pregnancy situation was my fault. Sure, I was the one with the hostile uterus and fibroids, but he hadn’t made it any easier for me.

Of course I love her, but love isn’t bringing me the one thing I want most in this life… kids. I heared the hurt in Law’s voice when he said this. I couldn’t let the conversation go on any longer. Shoving the bedroom door open, I marched into the room and burst into tears.

Are you kidding me right now, Law? This is a damn joke, right? Haha, very funny, I barked as I slapped the phone out of his hand.

What the hell is wrong with you, Delaney? Law grabbed the phone from the floor and hurriedly told Todd he would call him back.

"What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?" I felt my blood boil and the veins at my temple bulged and throbbed. If I weren’t brown-skinned, then Law would have seen my cheeks had turned red. The fire had been lit, and I was about to burn Law at the stake like Joan of Ark. I went to the bathroom and flung open the cabinet door underneath my sink. I dug deep into the recesses of the cabinet and pulled out a medium-sized, white bin that Law had never seen before. I could see Law through the corner of my eye, and he continued to stare at me in disbelief and pure shock because I was acting like a crazy woman.

I was perspiring under my arms, which was a sure sign I was angry and almost unable to control my emotions. I stormed back into the bedroom and poured the bin of items over Law’s head. He stood dumbfounded when he looked at the floor and realized what I’d thrown over his head. There were five years’ worth of used EPT home pregnancy tests and First Response Digital Ovulation tests strewn across the floor. With every pregnancy test that was flipped right side up he could see the not pregnant sign shining so brightly. You would have thought after all this time they would’ve faded, but they were as clear as if I had just done the tests. I kept these as a constant reminder that I tried everything I could.

"Five years, Law! Five friggin’ years of this crap haunting me like the ghost of my dead daddy; God rest his