The Death of Customer Service

By Ethan Grimes

Have you ever worked in a call center? Or a restaurant? Or a retail store?
If you have ever worked in Customer Service, then this book is for you. This is a book written by a Customer Service Representative FOR Customer Service Representatives "The Death of Customer Service" is a work of fiction based on my personal experience working in multiple call centers. This book starts as a satirical take on where I believe Customer Service is headed as an industry. Then as the story goes on, it becomes less grounded as it moves further from comedy and into more of a Science-Fiction story. This is not a traditional story by any means, but I assure you, there is no story like it.

A Customer Service Department with no products and a lot of angry customers, a mad scientist in a dark laboratory, a pharmacy for recreational use, a recording studio for live hold music, a gun range in the basement, and a dive bar on the 3rd floor. All under one company, in one call center.

Dexter Kirk has gone from call center to call center, fired from every job he's ever had and knowing no vacation except for the two weeks of severance pay between each one. Until the day he is hired by Plaetto Pier, a mysterious company in Tempe, Arizona. Follow Dexter's experiences as he moves from department to department, each one more absurd than the last. Find out what role this 27 year old, jaded Customer Service Representative could possibly play at such a strange company.

Find out how far one company can push an entire industry, in "The Death of Customer Service."

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 15, 2022
• ISBN: 9781667816357

Book preview

Text Description automatically generated with medium confidence

© 2021 Ethan Grimes

ISBN: 978-1-66-781635-7

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Many of the customer interactions in this book are based on personal experiences of my own or that have been told to me. So if at any point you think to yourself, There’s no way that a customer would say something that mean, or that stupid. I can assure you, they would.

Beyond that, The characters in this book are entirely works of fiction. All similarities between this world and our world are entirely coincidental, and no names or individuals in this book are based on any existing persons.

Well, except for one, but Ryan said it was cool.

Table of Contents

Prologue

The Death of Customer Service

America Does Work: A Nationwide Temp Agency

U.N. Institutes International Law to end Customer Service Riots

Congress Creates New Political Party for Celebrities

Sunday Night Football Descends into Four Hour Block of Advertisements

Son of CEO Inherits Telemarketing Company

U. S. Military purchases Home Defense Firearms for Field Medics

Self Proclaimed Psychic Medium Instigates Hostile Takeover

Paranormal Inventor hired for Plaetto Pier’s tech division

Plaetto Pier opens Collections Subsidiary, The Midnight Dues

Deceased CEO leaves behind Revolutionary A.I. Son refuses to sell.

Plaetto Pier Customers Mistakenly Donating Personal Appliances to I.T. Department

Scientist Working for Plaetto Pier Proposes New Technological Breakthrough to the Media

Soft Drink Company Discovers Unique Chemical Reaction

Inventor Isaac Malcolm Breaks Ground with Revolutionary Communication Tech

Plaetto Pier CEO Keeping Tabs on Customers from His Past

Attorney with Controversial Background Hired by Plaetto Pier

Plaetto Pier Fabricates Hurricane to Generate Validity for Department of Natural Disasters

Plaetto Pier Launches Website for the Department of Natural Disasters

Plaetto Pier Rolls out D.O.T. 2.0 for Upper Management

Isaac Malcolm Initiates Project Respawn on Comatose Brain

The Birth of Customer Service

Town in Arizona gets a little bit Radiated.

Plaetto Pier found NOT GUILTY for Radiating a Bunch of People in Arizona

Plaetto Pier launches The

Department of Reality

The Death of Customer Service

Epilogue

Prologue

Do you know why you’re here? Mike asked me.

At that moment I was busy staring at the dull, gray pattern that covered the carpet and walls of every room in the entire building.

Dexter, can you hear me? He had a tone that reminded me of my middle school bully, only less subtle.

I turned to make eye contact with Mike and nodded my head.

Do you know why you’re here? He asked once again.

I knew exactly why I was there, but I knew that my answer wouldn’t change anything. I knew this manager and I knew this building, I had seen them a dozen times before at a dozen different companies.

Nope. I told him with my arms folded.

We have received a number of customer surveys where you scored below a 7 out of 10. As you know, an employee is only allowed so many of these surveys before there is disciplinary action. He explained this to me as he laid out pale pages with copies of my surveys.

I glanced over at the pages as if I had never heard of such a thing. How often can I get a low score? I asked him.

You can’t get more than five of them, he proudly informed me.

Ever? I asked.

He looked at me as if he didn’t understand my question. If you get more than five of them, that will result in disciplinary action, he repeated.

What if someone just gives me a bad survey because they’re having a bad day? I asked. Do those surveys count?

All surveys are 100 percent in your control. If someone is having a bad day, it’s your job to make their day better. As Mike spoke, he raised his nose upward and squinted his eyes. I wondered if this gesture was involuntary.

That’s part of my job? I asked, turning my attention back to the pages on the table.

Mike shifted in his seat, seemingly now uncomfortable by my request for clarification. I suspected that this was the first time he had actually put some thought into one of the statements he’d been trained to say to his subordinates.

I raised my eyebrows in anticipation of his response.

Yes. He clarified.

You guys should mention that in training. I thought we just sold cell phones, I said as I leaned forward and picked up one of the surveys to examine it more closely.

Our Customer Preparedness Preparation Course goes over your responsibilities at this company very clearly. Mike reminded me.

What if a customer calls the wrong number and refuses to accept that we are a cell phone company and not his internet provider? Then he tells me he is going to leave me a bad survey for lying to him and the survey goes through because we sold him the phone he used to call us? I asked without looking up from the paper.

Things like that don’t happen. Mike’s voice seemed to be getting louder.

That’s exactly what happened with this one. I flipped the paper around with a satisfying whipping sound, showing him the contents of the survey.

1 out of 10

Comments: liar

He looked at the paper and looked back at me. That’s not what this says. He declared.

I know, I said, looking at the paper one last time before placing it back on the table. But I remember the call and that’s what happened. You record all the calls, right? Go listen for yourself! This man very clearly stated that he had malicious intent, and you’re giving him control over my career and livelihood? I asked.

All surveys are 100 percent in your control. He repeated this like some kind of corporate parrot.

I sat in silence staring at Mike’s empty expression. I wondered if he was aware of the lies he was telling me, or if he had been lied to and didn’t have the brain capacity to question these lies.

I wondered how high up the call center totem pole you would have to go before you found a person that was completely aware of all the bullshit that gets slung by the middle management beneath them.

Whoever that person may be, I knew I could never climb high enough to find out. I had already outed myself as a free thinker, and in the call center world there’s only one thing to do with a free thinker.

So I’m fired, right? I finally asked.

I never said that. He said, quickly defending himself.

Right, because the H.R. rep is running late. I snorted.

Well, we will need to speak with H.R. as soon as they’re available, regarding disciplinary action in accordance with your survey score, He stated with his eyes closed.

Forget it, at least the last guy who fired me had the presence of mind to actually schedule it with H.R. I said as I stood up. This is just another company that puts the job security of its employees in the hands of whatever idiot calls the building. I told him.

Hey, the customer is always right. Mike said as I turned to leave.

I turned back towards the table and pointed at one of the surveys. This one is addressed to someone named Linda. I told him.

Mike picked up the paper and looked at it. Well, it’s still your survey, you’re still responsible for this exper-

The stupid bastard didn’t even know who he was talking to, you fucking idiot! I shouted.

I left the office before Mike could respond, and then the building before security could get involved. Afterwards, I walked back to the temp agency like I had done a dozen times before.

I knew before ever going into Mike’s office that day, that it wouldn’t make a difference no matter what I said. I just never seemed to remember that it wouldn’t make me feel any better to say it.

Getting fired is always rough, no matter how many times it’s happened to me, I’ve never gotten used to it. I’ve always told myself that it’s a result of companies creating employee turnover so they can keep hiring temporary workers so that their employee wages are paid by the government. I’ve always told myself this because I’ve seen evidence of this at every job I’ve had, but who knows? Maybe I’m just a bad worker, I honestly couldn’t tell you.

The upside is that they have to pay me two weeks of severance pay every time they fire me, and these two weeks between jobs are the only vacations I ever really get. I’ve been alive for 27 years and I’ve worked in the customer service industry for the last 10 of them. I don’t like customer service, I think it sucks. I like video games and whiskey, unfortunately I haven’t been able to make a career out of those things. Customer Service is just the kind of job that the temp agency tends to give you when you live in Tempe, Arizona. The call center capital of America.

This time when I got back to the temp agency, there was an assignment waiting for me from a company called Plaetto Pier, and they had requested me by name. This was a first for me, I normally had to wait a few days before I got assigned, and I had never been requested personally.

The job description was vague, stating only that it was another customer service position. The pay was better than the job I’d just been fired from, which didn’t say much, but it’s always nice to feel like you’re moving up in the world. It was also a short walk away from my studio apartment, so I accepted the position and agreed to start on the following Monday. Giving me ample time to enjoy the video games and whiskey I mentioned earlier.

Little did I know, this company would bring about the end of the entire Customer Service Industry.

The Death of Customer Service

The hot morning air singed my face as I arrived roughly eight minutes early. My new co-workers rushed past me while I stood in the call center parking lot looking up at the silver building and the pale white letters that read Plaetto Pier. With an exhale, I headed towards the door.

I gripped the revolving door to stop it’s hurried spin so that I could slip through at a pace I found more comfortable. After adjusting to the fluorescent glow of a refreshingly cooler environment I was greeted by a welcome banner that stretched above a sign-in chart. Once my name was scribbled onto the sheet, I slumped into the only empty chair in the room. Looking around at the group of regular looking people, I suspected that most of them would hardly be involved in my experiences at this company. A woman with unkempt brown hair and lively brown eyes quickly averted her attention when I noticed her staring at me, and I hoped that I would learn her name.

I jumped in my seat as the door was whipped open by a blonde woman entering the room with the energy of a golden retriever throwing a surprise party.

Hello everybody and welcome to Plaetto Pier, my name is Mary and I’ll be helping y’all find your places today. Please sign in if you haven’t already and we’ll begin our tour of the building shortly. She walked around the room with a small badge-printing camera device of some kind, approaching all of us individually. One by one we were asked for our full names before the camera flashed in our faces, and printed out a badge that Mary instructed us to clip onto ourselves. I decided to clip mine onto my left shoulder, not that it really matters.

Your job title is displayed on your new badges, most of you will be going to our General Electronics Troubleshooting department. Mary informed us before we were interrogated, flashed, and labeled by the most polite human I had ever met. When it was the cute girl’s turn, I overheard her first name.

Oh Leslie! Mary yelped. You’ll be joining us on our tour and then I’ll take you to your department. Mary glided over to me before Leslie could respond. First and last name please? she asked me.

Dexter Kirk. I said with a smile.

Then the camera’s flash engulfed and contorted my face. By the time my vision returned, I was holding a small badge with a picture of what looked like the most poorly executed wink that had ever happened.

I blinked at it, then clipped it onto my left shoulder, as was previously mentioned.

Alright, everyone follow me and we’ll begin our tour. Mary announced as she pushed open the huge oak double-doors, leading us further into the building.

Directly through the doors was a massive, open room with a lot going on, in front of us was a large call center floor that took up most of the room. It was similar to ones I had seen before, but there was something different about this one that I couldn’t quite pin down. To our left was a breakfast bar that ran all the way down the wall and towards a cafeteria at the other end of the building. To our right was a kind of check in desk that stretched all the way to an elevator at the other end of the building. Behind the desk were rows of shelves with small lockers. It looked like where you might rent shoes at a bowling alley, except for the words Sun Gecko Distribution Center in large friendly letters, written on the wall above the lockers. After the doors shut behind us, there was an announcement over a loudspeaker.

IN THE EVENT OF A HOSTILE TAKEOVER IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU ARM YOURSELF AT YOUR NEAREST SUN GECKO DISTRIBUTION CENTER SO AS TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CO-WORKERS

I noticed the same message repeating on a large horizontal text scroller on the side of the long desk.

Don’t be alarmed. Mary said with a very bashful look on her face. She then went on to explain that many office shootings happen throughout the country and Plaetto Pier wanted to get ahead of the threat by providing sidearms for all employees. Only after they have gone through voluntary training exercises offered by the company, and only in the event of a hostile takeover.

It sounded strange to me at first, but it would never under any circumstance be mandatory that you arm yourself, and this type of thing is 100 percent legal in Arizona.

Mary led our group along the breakfast bar toward the Cafeteria while explaining that the breakfast was complimentary and available everyday. Thinking back I don’t recall which was more surprising to me at the time, the complimentary breakfast or the hundreds of firearms.

The breakfast bar consisted of everything you could imagine, or at least remnants of everything you could imagine since it was a first come, first serve, type of situation. I ate some bacon and drank what I thought was orange juice but turned out to be a mimosa. What is this company? I thought to myself. Before I grabbed a second mimosa and caught up to the tour.

Mary slowed to a stop at the edge of the breakfast bar and turned to address the group. The way she moved, I wouldn’t have been surprised to find out that she had once been a professional tour guide.

Here we have our cafeteria, it isn’t complimentary like our breakfast bar, but there are a lot more options to choose from. She said with a smile.

The cafeteria was separated from the rest of the building by large floor to ceiling windows, with two separate glass door entrances on either side of the eating area. To the left of the cafeteria was a lounge area with two couches and two chairs, all facing a central table that was covered with books and magazines. To the left of that was a staircase to the second floor, tucked neatly behind the breakfast bar. We followed Mary as she led us up the stairs.

At the top of the stairs was another long desk that stretched all the way to the 2nd floor elevator. It was directly above the desk on the 1st floor and looked almost exactly like it. Behind the desk were some of the same lockers, four small cubicles and the words Human Resources written on the wall. Mary told us it was the Human Resources department, but I think most of us had already figured it out.

There was a massive circular mezzanine that overlooked the 1st floor. When I looked up I could see the same layout on the 3rd floor. The floor plans of the building were similar to that of a small shopping mall. Mary led us along the mezzanine towards the large training class above the cafeteria. As we walked I looked over the railing, down at the 1st floor. I saw about two dozen desk clumps, each one made up of either four or six individual workstations.

The Customer Service Representatives conversed vocally with their headsets, but visually with each other. I saw two reps playing Connect 4, two more throwing a football from one end of the floor to the other, another one had their customer on speakerphone whilst mimicking them with a sock puppet, and one was blasting their headset with a megaphone, asking the customer to please speak up.

It was at this moment, looking down at that department, that I realized why this call center floor looked like nothing I had ever seen.

Those people actually wanted to be there.

Welcome to the General Electronics Troubleshooting Department. Mary announced as we reached the end of the mezzanine and were ushered into the training class. As I trailed behind the rest of the group, I noticed Leslie being led up a second staircase by a man in a dark red suit. I hoped I would see her again. I finished the mimosa, went through the door, and took a seat in the back of the room, getting ready for whatever could have possibly come next.

America Does Work: A Nationwide Temp Agency

The America Does Work program first went into development during the recent unemployment crisis. By this point in time, the minimum wage had been raised ahead of inflation for the first time in human history, forcing a lot of startup companies into bankruptcy and allowing people to file for unemployment benefits rather than find a job. Since unemployment benefits matched minimum wage, and minimum wage was at an all time high. This led to many Americans collecting unemployment with no intention of ever finding a job.

To remedy this, the government decided to cut unemployment completely, and funnel that money into a government funded temp agency on a nationwide scale. As a result, (unless you have a disability that prevents you from working) instead of filing for government benefits, you go into a government building with a resume and are assigned a job based on your qualifications. There is no drug test, no background check, you walk in carrying proof of education and/or job history with no risk of being turned down. Sure, this led to a lot of people getting fired because they’re bad employees. But every firing stays on your record, meaning that the more jobs you lose, the worse your next job will be. People who are painfully honest introverts that bomb interviews no longer had to compete with the less qualified haircut that applied for the same job. The interview process isn’t conducted by a company supervisor; it’s conducted by a pencil pushing fact-checker who is going to look at what you’re good at, have experience doing, and are already trained to do. Then, you get matched to a company that needs you. Simple.

Not only is this program good for aspiring employees, it is also great for businesses. Since this is a government program, the wages paid to the employees aren’t paid by the companies directly, but instead by government funding. The same tax dollars that were previously collected by people who weren’t working, are now paying the salaries of minimum wage workers. If you own a business and you pay your taxes, you are qualified to request workers for your company. This is how Plaetto Pier hires all low level employees.

-C.S.P.

* * *

What is a customer? Our trainer asked us as he entered the training class.

Sitting in the back of the class I didn’t get a good look at him right away, but I could see that he was slightly taller than the average person, and the ring of hair on his head seemed to shift between silver and red depending on how it caught the fluorescent lights. His name was Ryan. He was wearing a slim cut black suit with no tie and he moved like a cartoon that was giving a college lecture.

What is a customer? Ryan asked again.

Many of my fellow trainees raised their hands to answer his question but he didn’t call on anyone, he just answered the question himself.

A customer is a person that is wrong. He said before pressing a button on a small remote he was carrying.

The lights dimmed and a video began to play on the wall in front of us. It looked like an old infomercial of some kind, with black and white shots of customers attempting to use technology and becoming frustrated, then calling a customer service line that appeared to not be very helpful.

Does this ever happen to you? Are you tired of customer service being no help at all? The video asked us, rhetorically.

I just don’t get this! The helpless customer complained.

Suddenly, in a suspicious shift in tone, we saw a shot of the same customer in vibrant colors calling a different number. The customer’s voice was muted and all I could hear from the video was wind chimes and upbeat saxophone, but I got the sense that this customer service line was much more helpful. Her issue was dealt with accordingly and she gave thanks to all of us in the training class. The number 602-545-8304 appeared on the screen and the narrator explained that you could call this number in the event that other customer service lines weren’t as helpful as they should be. For a small fee, General Electronics Troubleshooting would troubleshoot any issue you’re experiencing, and if we didn’t provide some kind of resolution before the end of the call, you would not be charged. Then the video ended and the lights came back on.

Despite popular belief, the customer is almost never right. Ryan said, pacing in the front of the classroom, fully commanding everyone’s attention. "A customer, by definition, is a person that is wrong. They’re doing something wrong, they’re using something wrong, or they’re saying something wrong. What we do here at G.E.T. is help the customer stop being wrong.

Thousands of customers purchase new technology every day, and they are so eager to try out their new technology, that they don’t take the time to learn how to use it. So when these customers get upset or frustrated, who is there to help them when normal Customer Service fails? Us. We are here to do the tedious tasks that a customer doesn’t care to do. Basic research, reading the manual, thinking, you name it. If a customer is too important to do it, then we will do it for them.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I had been in so many training classes before, listened to so much praise of the Customer Service Industry and so many nonsensical talking points about customers being well informed and knowledgeable. I had listened to so many lies in so many call centers, that hearing a trainer tell the truth felt unnatural. He was saying all the things that you weren’t supposed to say. He was saying things that would get someone fired if the wrong manager heard it, things that did get me fired when the wrong manager heard it.

I was hooked, and for the first time in any training class, I was eager to learn all that I could possibly learn in a 1-week training period.

On the first day, it was explained that we needed to give every customer some kind of a resolution, otherwise we couldn’t bill them.

What constitutes a resolution? I asked.

Well that depends entirely on the situation. Ryan answered. "There are a lot of potential resolutions for an infinite amount of potential issues.

Right, I just mean, what if their issue is unsolvable?

What did you say your name was? Ryan asked.

Dexter Kirk.

Well, Dexter. It isn’t actually necessary to solve the customer’s issue, only to provide the customer with a resolution. Ryan said with a smile.

Okay, but what if something like… I took a few seconds to think of an example. What if, let’s say a customer calls in because he needs ice for his drink, but he doesn’t have time to wait, so he wants us to make his freezer work faster. What do we do? I asked our trainer.

That’s an oddly specific scenario. Ryan said, squinting his eyes at me. I’m assuming this actually happened to you?

I bashfully nodded my head.

The classroom erupted with laughter.

Well, you’re right that this issue is unsolvable. Ryan said once the laughter died down. Obviously we can’t alter the laws of physics for a customer.

The classroom laughed some more, myself among them.

"But that doesn’t mean we can’t provide a resolution. Ryan stated with his index finger in the air. If you receive a call like this, here’s a resolution you could provide: Start by getting the location of the customer, then bring up that location on your computer. Once you’ve done that, run a search for the closest location that the customer could acquire some ice, preferably some ice that is already frozen. Ryan said through a huge grin, like he was trying not to laugh. Then, inform the customer that you are happy to have provided him with a resolution." Ryan concluded.

Some people in the class laughed some more, others did not.

Okay but, what if the customer doesn’t accept that resolution? What if that just makes him mad? Someone in the front row asked.

Satisfaction with a resolution is not what we guarantee, just a resolution. Ryan answered.

The class was quiet.

So wait a second. I said. You’re telling me that a customer can call in because his phone isn’t working, and I can tell him that the best resolution is to throw the phone in the trash? Then he has to pay us for that? I asked.

Ryan shrugged. If you think that’s the best resolution. Sure.

I smiled.

On the second day we went over what is called the Emotional Response Survey. Temp agencies have gotten to the point where they can use any kind of data in a relevant way. So G.E.T. agents are encouraged to conduct research on customers through surveys, and the temp agency will buy the collected data from the company. The agency has specific surveys that they want companies to fill, but they will buy really any information as long as it is from the voice of a customer and documented by an employee.

Plaetto Pier has found that creating a survey that’s truly original is the best way to make the most money. That’s why they created the Emotional Response Survey.

The questions are as follows:

Question 1: Are you going to cry?

Question 2: Does it feel as though the device is