Drowning In Hope

By Casi Kadrovach

A combination of memoir and poetry depicting a turbulent journey through trauma and abuse. A journey that could not have led to the Now without the events of the Past. A retelling of a life bred to be abused in order to change the world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Casi Kadrovach
• Release date: Jan 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201129675

Casi Kadrovach

Casi is a single mother of two boys who has discovered the journey of life. She is attempting to use her life's events as a tool to help others learn and grow through their's. She is learning the joys of realizing there is no box and is trying her hand at many different skills. She enjoys creating, and has dabbled in drawing, painting, photography, musical instruments, design, building, and remodeling. It is her life's goal to help others achieve success in whatever form she can.

Book preview

Introduction

Inside you will find my story. At times, this will be my retelling of it, other times it will come in the form of poems, journal entries, or email and text messages that depict the inner turmoil and scenarios involved in my journey. This journey ultimately leads to peace and blessings, but it is not yet over. I still have mountains to climb and move, pain to endure, and healing to embrace.

I cannot imagine what one feels having gone through more abuse. I only know what I have dealt with. My heart goes out to those who have endured more AND to those who have dealt with less. No amount of abuse should be justified or dismissed. My only wish is for those that have lived with abuse feel empowered and unashamed and learn how to use their past to help others.

If we are on this Earth our journey is not over. Don’t ever give up! It is always darkest before the dawn...And we all must decide what we are willing to fight for?

The Beginning

I was born to a perfectionistic, controlling matriarch and an alcoholic, workaholic, emotionally unavailable father, who both endured various traumas and forms of abuse in their early years. Neither one was taught boundaries or what a healthy relationship ought to look like. Although my mother attempted to learn these things as she raised me it still was not the ideal situation to be brought up in. It wasn’t the worst either. However, due to toxicity on both sides of the family it was a breeding ground for an abusive life; whether I was to be the abuser or the abused would be up to me. I believe I was created to be a leader, a teacher, headstrong yet caring, honest to a fault, and bold enough to forge my own path. My family dynamic, however, did not allow for these characteristics and from day one I was forced into being a person I was not. Although I fought back throughout my childhood and teen years, my resolve weakened as those same years passed on. Eventually turning me into a person who forsook herself at the cost of all others. Every single friendship and relationship (save maybe one) had abusive elements in it. From my elementary grade friends all the way to boyfriends, and eventually husbands.

Like most grown women who find themselves with a life full of guy trouble it stemmed from my relationship, or lack thereof, with my dad. And, as I would find out much, much later, the relationship with my mom also. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to accept me as a girl and try as I might to fit in with my brothers, I was still not accepted. No girl likes to be told she can’t do something because she’s a girl. And although those words only came out of his mouth once, that I can remember, the implication was in the rest of our interactions. His inability to show me acceptance taught me very early on that if I were to be accepted, that perhaps I needed to take a page from my mother’s playbook and become what everyone else thought I should be. Apparently, she was teaching me the same thing I was just too blind, or too programmed, to see it. This lesson, when learned well, leads to a life of loneliness and fear. Both of which I got really good at hiding, or so I thought.

If you had met me as a child you, like most, would have remarked at how shy I was. I didn’t interact with people until I get a sense of who they were. I was gifted with a very strong conscience that presented itself physically when I attempted to disregard what it was telling me, a strong intuition, and a voice for truth. Therefore, I didn’t join in unless I felt accepted and unjudged, or accepted enough that the judgment didn’t matter. Other times though, I seemed like a completely normal, happy little girl. And for the most part, I think I was. It takes time for things to build up; especially when you don’t realize what is truly happening under the surface.

I was never one to have a huge group of friends, although I could get along with most anyone. Except of course, the most popular of the popular girls. They never seemed to want to give me the time of day. It always seemed to be the case that the leader of the girl pack would despise me, yet there would always be one or two of her group that came around and realized that I wasn’t what she portrayed me as, and we would become friends. (Little did I know the foreshadowing this act held.) Despite the trouble I had making friends, I always had one or two close girlfriends. But because I grew up with boys and felt I had to be one of the guys to be accepted I always felt more comfortable hanging out with the guys. It didn’t hurt that I was good at sports and easy to look at either. So of course, as time went on the guys wanted to hang out with me for other reasons.

I don’t think I ever really felt ugly, but I never felt like I compared to the pretty, popular crowd either – despite what everyone else said. It was more of a feeling of being unworthy. I was told from as far back as I can remember that I was beautiful and smart. I never believed it. Of course, it didn’t help that my dad treated me like I was the most capable person never helping or never understanding why I didn’t get it when he did help, and my mother forcing me into a box of fear and fragility. It’s amazing how feeling unaccepted by people can make you ignore the truth around you. The same goes for when you feel accepted by certain groups of people as well.  This disbelief of my reality bred insecurity and naiveté in my life. It made me want the attention of the guys more and more, so I continued to pretend to be who I thought they wanted me to be within my moral reasoning. I didn’t really change the way I dressed, and my morals for the most part stayed intact throughout high school. But I never felt as good as I did when a guy was paying attention to me. Despite the euphoric feelings that did cultivate I never felt whole because buried deep inside what was, was the girl God created screaming to get out. The original, created me attempted to surface throughout my teen and early adult years. This led to may arguments and some screaming matches between my mother and me. However, try as me she might she was never able to stay for very long. She wasn’t what people wanted, especially my parents. And unbeknownst to her she too easily took on the feelings of everyone around her; making it nearly impossible for even her to know her true self.

The Middle

2000-2001 Junior Year

Love vs Hate

The world is so hateful

My eyes are filled with tears.

I can’t go a single day

Without facing one of my fears.

Sometimes there is a brief lull.

It gives us a false sense of peace,

Then breaks our hearts again

Piece by breaking piece.

I stand outside the circle,

Hoping for a miracle,

That will one day, break

This ring of hatred

That s’rounds the world.

My miracle came.

But it did not give me money

Nor it gave me fame.

It gave me something glorious

I can cherish for eternity.

That which all people want most in life.

That comes to us most spontaneous.

The most precious gift of all,

True Love.

Only Hope...

This feeling deep inside me

Will not leave me

Yet I know not what it is

It quickly subsides when a guy is by my side

But soon after, it comes back

And I feel as though I must move on

I wait for the day

When my heart will be still

And my soul filled

With the love only ONE can give

Although I am impatient now

I’m sure that day will come

It is not here

And I feel alone in the world

When one does come along

It always ends quickly

And usually leaves my heart aching

Yet I cannot find a way

For my heart to stop breaking

I am full of hope that that day will soon come

But there is doubt in my mind

And I fear