A Search For Gratitude

By Dr. Lilian Jans-Beken (Dr. Gratitude)

The Search for gratitude is a short story collection with true stories of people who tell about the importance of gratitude in their lives. It contains scientific insights in gratitude and exercises to incorporate gratitude in your own live.

As a researcher in positive psychology, I have been studying gratitude in recent years. People experience the power of gratitude when they realize that one of their needs is being met by someone or something. This gives them a warm, happy, and satisfied feeling.

Scientific research mainly revolves around groups, numbers, and means. More and more I wondered how gratitude plays a role in the lives of individuals. What exactly does the power of gratitude look like? What are the faces of gratitude?

I began a search for gratitude. In the end, thirteen people shared their stories of gratitude with me. The foreword was written by Leo Bormans, world ambassador of happiness. I am grateful to everyone who contributed to this book for their candor. I wish you a lot of inspiration and fun reading these special stories.

Lilian Jans-Beken (1969) graduated in 2014 in Lifespan Psychology. In 2018 she obtained her doctorate with her thesis Appreciating Gratitude on the relationship between gratitude and mental health. Now she continues her research on gratitude as an independent scientist. She is a teacher in higher education, and she writes about gratitude and other psychological topics.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dr. Lilian Jans-Beken (Dr. Gratitude)
• Release date: Dec 19, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005325848

Dr. Lilian Jans-Beken (Dr. Gratitude)

Lilian Jans-Beken (1969) graduated in 2014 in Lifespan Psychology. In 2018 she obtained her doctorate with her thesis Appreciating Gratitude on the relationship between gratitude and mental health. Now she continues her research on gratitude as an independent scientist. She is a teacher in higher education, and she writes about gratitude and other psychological topics.

Book preview

A Search for Gratitude

Copyright 2021 Lilian Jans-Beken

Publisher: Jans-Beken at Smashwords

Cover design: Lilian Jans-Beken

Photographer: Trans4Mate | Gerda Venema

1st edition

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Not happiness makes us grateful, it is gratitude that makes us happy.

David Steindl-Rast

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Table of Contents

Foreword by Leo Bormans

Chapter 1 | My heart overflowed

Chapter 2 | Gratitude

Chapter 3 | A new heartbeat

Chapter 4 | Farewell to a life

Chapter 5 | The ultimate gift

Chapter 6 | From a pink to a dark cloud

Chapter 7 | The foggy life of addiction

Chapter 8 | Carried by Jesus

Chapter 9 | Sorry captain!

Chapter 10 | That one second...

Chapter 11 | Marriage troubles in Bangkok

Chapter 12 | Gratitude as a silver lining

Chapter 13 | Burned out

Chapter 14 | Gratitude is worth it

Chapter 15 | Living in gratitude

Chapter 16 | My quest for gratitude

Chapter 17 | Get started yourself

About the author

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Foreword by Leo Bormans

Sometimes, during a walk or a long car ride, I just turn my eyes to the sky and whisper, I'm so grateful. I have been keeping a gratitude journal for over twenty years. In this diary, I write three short sentences every night about things for which I am grateful. The gratitudes I write down are things in which I must be actively involved in. So, I do not allow myself to write down 'the sun was shining' but instead I write down 'I took an hour to sit in the sun'. That makes me think proactively and motivates me to do meaningful things. When I discover that I have only done two meaningful things that day, I'm going to call a friend to have a drink together for example.

I did not know that this attitude of gratitude is one of the pillars of positive psychology, but scientific research has sufficiently showed that writing in a gratitude journal really works. I have done academic research into this in collaboration with the University of Leuven (Belgium). More than 7000 people received positive assignments every day or every week. Indeed, the results showed that it made them significantly happier.

One of the interventions that is most successful is to show gratitude. Not just for what someone does for you, but for life itself. Such an attitude of gratitude causes you, like me, to suffer from 'positive paranoia' which means that I think the whole world colludes to make me happy. The baker who is already up at five o'clock in the morning to bake my bread, the volunteer who helps my grandchildren cross safely at the school gate, the police man who is friendlier than I expected... they are all in a conspiracy to make us happier.

I am also part of such a conspiracy. For the war refugee and his family, whom I happen to meet in our street one day and for whom we have formed a human shield with a hundred friends to stop his eviction. Not out of charity but out of justice. If you see injustice, you must stand up straight. I don't expect anyone to bow in passive gratitude for that. Gratitude doesn't make you smaller, it makes you bigger. You get strength out of it to go further and jump higher.

From the refugee, I learn which attitude really makes a difference. Some people want to help him out of pity, others out of respect. The refugee feels that difference right away. And it is only the second attitude that fills him with gratitude. We don't want gifts in life. We want to be seen in who we are, to be respected for what we can and do. We get more satisfaction from giving than from receiving. That's the beauty of gratitude. And in addition, the active part (giving) is always more durable than the passive part (receiving). It teaches us what a fruitful attitude to life is: to be grateful and to express that gratitude wherever possible and before it is too late…

The most beautiful speeches are given at funerals. Why don't we just show others with words and deeds, how grateful we are for who they are and what they do when they are alive? Our parents, children, partners, family, neighbors, friends, colleagues, and members of our society. How grateful can we be for the esteemed teachers who crossed our path: that one uncle, partner, teacher, doctor, friend, guide, leader, employer, director, or counselor who, if only for a moment, gave you, at a crucial moment in your life, the trust and support you needed at a crucial moment in your life. What are you actually waiting for to write that one letter or to pay that one visit? Don't just send a pre-printed card, an impersonal mail, or a mandatory bouquet of flowers. Make real contact. Visit the other, touch him. Look him in the eye and say Namasté. That means, I've seen you. There's something positive in you and you are worth it. And for that, I bow deeply. It's not about words. It is about an attitude to life that can feed your thinking and your actions. Every hour and every day of your life.

We don't create our own lives. We make each other happen. The most important thing for our happiness to grow is in two words: other people. The whole of society colludes to tell us the opposite. As if it were about 'my things'. Happiness is not about 'my things' but about 'other people'. And we are always that other meaningful person to someone else. That is the essence of happiness. That's what this book is about. Lilian has taken the time to really listen to other people and share their stories with us. They inspire us to be a grateful person. Despite everything and just because of that. For that we can only be very grateful to Lilian.

Happiness is not about smileys, confetti, and balloons. Life is not party. That's why you'll also come across tears of sadness in this book. They are part of life itself. Happiness and sadness are not opposites. They are part of the rich range of emotions that we as human beings can experience. Sometimes we get tears in the eyes of happiness, sometimes we must laugh in a painful situation. Happiness is in big and small things. It takes place on three levels: the pleasant life (yes, it can be a bit of fun), the engaged life (we can do something for someone) and the meaningful life (what is your purpose?). At every level, gratitude comes into play with an affable smile. Hopefully you will get a lot of fun, commitment and meaning from this valuable book. It is a mirror that leads to reflection and action. In sheer gratitude.

Leo Bormans

Leo Bormans travels the world as an international Ambassador of Hope, Happiness & Quality of Life. He is the author of international bestsellers such as The World Book of Happiness, The World Book of Love and The World Book of Hope. He is, among other things, distinguished lecturer in Happiness Research at the Erasmus University in Rotterdam. His work, also for children, has been translated into many languages.

www.leobormans.be

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Chapter 1 | My heart overflowed

I was born and raised in the south of the Netherland. As a Jack of all trades, master of none, I got to work in different jobs but ended up as a truck driver and that worked out fine. With my Scania I drove through the Netherlands and abroad; my colleagues called me Trucklily. In 2005, I received a message through the internet from a man from the other side of the country. We started 'talking', I went to stay there for a weekend, and when I got off the train it was love at first sight. After three months, I went to live 125 miles away in North Holland, with Jaap. I had to say goodbye to my beautiful Scania but fortunately, I found a job as a truck driver again and started working in night distribution. Every evening, I wished Jaap goodnight; he went to sleep, and I went to work. I drove to Utrecht where I loaded my truck with materials for different types of companies. Then I drove back to North Holland and delivered the materials to all those companies on the way. It was hard work, with great independence and responsibility, but I had a great time. I wouldn't mind doing this until my retirement.

On Friday evenings, Jaap occasionally joined me, to keep me company and to help me with loading and unloading my cargo. We hadn't known each other that long at that time, so there was plenty to talk about. One evening, Jaap told me how much he had enjoyed his school days and of course he wanted to know if I felt the same about my school days. I told him I had hated school, even though I had been a very good student. I told him I had left school at the age of 15 without a degree. Since then, I had always worked