A Twistedly Jolly Christmas 2021

By Matthew Tonks

You hold in your hands a piece of a puzzle far grander than you could ever know. For scrawled in blood upon the pages are stories twisted thirty-one in all, soaked in eggnog and Christmas lore. Five minutes to glimpse inside the eyes of someone new, five minutes to ponder, five minutes to sing, five minutes to do almost anything. A tree, a elf, a reindeer, a doomsday. A fat man, a chimney, a sack, a sleigh. Mirrored reflections, a present or two. Death and division, humanity askew. A sock stuffed with coal, underpants up a flagpole, so many moments out there to see, so many things you could see with me. So take a seat beside me and call it voodoo, because now you ride the sleigh with me too...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Matthew Tonks
• Release date: Dec 24, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005882358

Matthew Tonks

Together we ride the steed of madness, along a road long foretold. Do not let the dire consequences scare you from this journey, for it is written, so it must be. We traveller. We explorers of otherworldly things. Let us share our providence, so we may all prosper.Hidden in the depths of it all, you will find your utopia, and it will be a beautiful sight to witness.For I may walk beside you, and I may carry your umbrella in the sun, just don’t expect me to dig you up, when the zombie apocalypse comes...

Book preview

Weathered Heather

I can’t believe that’s what it truly is, I mean, if they’re real what else is? he asks as he turns back and looks at the others in a perplexed manner.

Daddy said your imagination is only as strong as your belief, and if you believe enough, anything is possible.

Patrick rolls his eyes and sighs loudly. Clare, don’t take this the wrong way, but your Daddy is a complete moron, and he’d say anything to keep you asking too many questions.

W-W-What does that mean? she cries as she turns to her father with wide doughy dog eyes.

He casts a wayward glance over to Patrick, and sneers. Yeah, little brother, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Patrick puts his hands in the air and smiles nervously. Calm the FUCK down bro, I-I, I was just pulling your leg is all. he says as he sheepishly turns back to Clare. I was joking honey, your dad, your dad is one of the smartest men I know, and that’s why I like to joke about him every now and then, because it makes me feel smarter, he says with a soft smile, as he throws his brother a quick glance and winks at him sarcastically.

Look, can we stop trying to win that coveted retarted family of the year award, and focus on the real problem at hand! Selena spits from the doorway.

Why don’t you get over here and say that, instead of standing in the doorway like some loser with no friends, Patrick says proudly.

I’d rather have no friends and be alive, than be you and dead.

Ouch, I see your wife still dislikes me.

No one likes you Patrick, it’s why I moved halfway around the world after mum and dad died, but you FUCKING followed me here, didn’t you?

SHIT STANLEY! I suddenly feel like this has turned into a everyone hates Patrick party, and I’m the guest of honour who wasn’t invited!

I don’t hate you Uncle Patrick, you’re the most bestest uncle in the whole entire world, Clare says with a beaming smile across her face as she tugs on his shirt corner.

He smiles softly and gives her a wink. Thanks muffin top, I knew I could count on you, even if I am your only uncle.

ARE WE DONE! Selena bellows from the doorway once more. ARE WE ALL HAPPY AND CONTENT NOW?

I don’t know, are there blow jobs later on?

What the FUCK? Stanley seethes as he guides Clare out of the way and shapes himself up to his brother.

Hey big guy calm down, I’m only asking for a friend, honestly! he says as he gives Stanley a wink while a sly smile draws itself across his face. Without hesitation Stanley drives a well-placed punch into Patrick’s kidney, sending him stumbling across the room.

GIVE ME ONE MORE REASON! JUST ONE AND I’LL GIVE YOU THAT BEATING I ALWAYS PROMISED YOU! Stanley growls.

FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP FIGHTING AND LOOK AT THE WALL! SOMETHINGS MOVING! Selena screams, as everyone’s attention turns back to the crudely constructed nest that sits up in the topmost corner of the wall.

Clare’s eyes widen and a huge smile adorns her face. SEE! SEE! I TOLD YOU IT WAS WHERE HEATHER LIVED! she cries as the small toylike Christmas elf craws out of the hole and stares down at the group, then bares rows of razor-sharp teeth and leaps towards them, followed by several hundred smaller ones that crawl out of the nest behind her.

Trigger Finger

The ball falls awkwardly from his hand and hits the ground with several loud, unmissable clangs and bangs, bringing all eyes upon the small group. At first they all stare without recognition of what they are staring at, but as they slowly process the sounds made by the falling ball, things form, things that fumble and tingle within their decaying minds, minds that start to build a shape of recognition, a recognition that explodes into fact as they surge forward as one towards them.

Corey casts a final fleeting glance towards Sally and Paul as he is swallowed whole by the horde. Without thought or focus, without care or comprehension, Sally lets out a stuttered cry of terror as the horde tear Corey limb from limb, feasting on him like a pack of wild animals. Then once more they stop in their very tracks, and all eyes shoot across the school ground, across the overgrown and unpopulated car park towards where she crouches. As their silence cuts the air like a butcher’s knife would a carcass, tears cascade down her cheeks as the sea of dead eyes stare at the petrified Sally while their diluted, watery brains try to comprehend what she is.

She screams in fright as Paul grips her by her jacket collar and tosses her behind him as he proudly steps forward, taking the stance of a rock and roll god who is in the mists of playing a powerful solo, raising his gatling gun towards the frozen field of decaying humanoids like it was his guitar. Then with a smarmy smile he gives Sally a wink and tightens his finger around the trigger, only to find nothing happening. He squeezes the trigger again and again without a result, as the horde begin to charge forward.

LEAVE IT! Sally screams as she grabs him by the arm, and tries to drag him away, but he twists and turns in all