Never Mind the Rules: The Alternative Dating Guide for Girls Who Wanna Rock!

By Susan Hyatt and Lina Lecaro

Never Mind the Rules is your alternative to the barrage of cookie-cutter self-help relationship books geared towards a set of rules that are intended to work for ‘everyone.’ This is a frank, honest, sexy and racy dating guide that helps you write YOUR own rules by getting REAL with yourself. It is w

• Language: English
• Publisher: Generation X Media
• Release date: Feb 14, 2017
• ISBN: 9780692871331

Susan Hyatt

Susan Hyatt is a master-certified life coach who has helped thousands of women transform their bodies and their lives. The creator of the Bare Process, she uses her honesty, humor, and fiery Facebook rants to influence an international following of women. She has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Woman's World, and Seventeen and was a finalist for the Athena Award. For more information, visit shyatt.com.

Book preview

Introduction – Susan & Lina - Joining Forces

Our story starts in the 1980’s, when we were teenagers in the LA rock scene. My first ever boyfriend Marc was coincidentally also Lina’s first ever boyfriend (the L.A. music scene can be extremely incestuous). Marc was the lead guitarist for my band called –irony alert! -The Loved Ones (the band was named by Michael Hutchence, the lead singer of INXS). After the band, and Marc and I broke up, Lina ended up dating the same Marc!

It wasn’t until many years later, when we were in our early 20’s, that we eventually would meet and become friends. I was busy playing gigs in London, while Lina was a journalist, writing about music in Los Angeles. We kept in touch over the years, admiring one another’s work. One day we were talking and I confessed to Lina how much I wanted to share my crazy and dramatic romantic history for years, and not just in song.

I was an avid reader of dating guides. After finding my husband Michael, the man of my dreams, five years ago, I wanted to share what I had learned, maybe even mastered with other like-minded women. I wanted to write something fresh and honest, that real women could relate to. So I got in touch with Lina and asked her to co-author this book.

Lina was going through a divorce after 10 years of marriage, and was a single mom thrust back into the dating world. I knew that by joining forces, together we could provide insight and with integrity help our girls find love.

While doing the research for Never Mind the Rules, we sought advice from everyone we came in contact with and a few noteworthy experts. One of which was our friend Neil Strauss, best-selling author of the controversial book The Game, who turned out to be a huge inspiration. We interviewed reputable therapists, psychiatrists, rockstar chicks, housewives, journalists, and even men we dated (gay & straight), but ultimately we went with what WE felt was right every time. So Never Mind the Rules was born.

So consider this your own personal handbook for dating, one where you can make notes, and take personal inventory. Formatted in a fun, reader-friendly style the book includes quizzes and tests, game play, listing exercises, vision boards and affirmations. This is your alternative to the barrage of cookie- cutter self-help relationship books geared towards a set of rules that are intended to work for ‘everyone.’ Never Mind the Rules is a frank and honest guide to writing your own rules by getting to know YOURSELF.

We navigate the complex dos and don’ts of dating in a tech-centric world including: online dating, social networking, and texting. We will help guide you to create your perfect package, presenting the best version of yourself!

Our aim is to make you feel as though you are part of a nonjudgmental secret girls club of sorts, just like you have with your own personal BFFs. We reveal personal dating horror stories and successful dating stories, and wild and romantic anecdotes from us and our girls. We hope you will laugh and cry with us like we do when we watch Sex & The City, Girls, or Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce.

This is your life, your heart, your home, your body and your bank account, and you should only share it with a partner who is right for you. By identifying who you are and what you need, you will be a ROCKSTAR at LOVE.

Chapter 1

THE REBEL FACTOR

Why You Need to Break Every Rule!

Have you read every self-help book out there and found yourself even more confused? Don’t say this… Do wear that… Don’t call for 3.5 days… Hide your feelings for him… Be mysterious… Let him stay in his cave… Don’t have sex with him… Do have sex with him… Play, pretend, pose, prance, dance, dumb-down, date-up, lie, but don’t lie down, fake it till you make it, but don’t break it… What does all this crap really mean? If it works, why does it work and for how long? What are the actual stats for success when one uses these ridiculous techniques? More importantly, if these rules help you snag a man, how many men actually stay snagged after they’ve been shagged for a few months or years?

The majority of the dating and romance books out there will promise you utter devotion from a man, as long as you can pretend to be someone else and not be YOU. You know the books we’re talking about. We don’t need to name them, right? One of them is, in fact, referenced in our own title; another is all about being the B word. Then, of course, there’s that funny one that tells gals why a guy isn’t into them, or rather not that into them. We liked the basic concept of that one.

Ladies, you shouldn’t waste precious time with fellas who aren’t really feeling it for you. But is it an absolute fact that a man can’t ever fall head over heels in love with a woman if she is the aggressor? Can a man’s feelings not change and evolve over time from kinda-into-you to totally gaga for you, no matter what? Um, yeah they can. We know they can ‘cause they did for us, and guess what? Turned out we weren’t so into them.

Men won’t like you more just because you don’t call them. If their affections are genuine, they like you for YOU. And if you’re pretending to be someone you’re not, they will figure out who you are eventually, and, suddenly, they might not like the real YOU, much less love you. This is why break-ups happen more than make-ups, and it’s one of the key reasons why fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Healthy love is based on having great communication, spending quality time together, and loving the quirks and the differences that make you who you are.

If you let a man stay in his cave alone all the time he’s gonna get comfortable in there and will always want to hibernate solo, or worse, with another woman. Men may indeed be hard-wired to enjoy the thrill of a little chase, but they are not animals. They are human, just like us. (Admittedly, we’ve questioned the humanity of some of our exes, though!)

Humans, well healthy ones, want and crave real love from the moment they exit their mother’s loins. It may seem as though all they care about for the rest of their lives is getting back inside other women’s loins. But there’s more to it.

BOTH men AND women still have a little kid inside of them who just wants attention and to be loved unconditionally. Baby boys need cuddling, and cooing and tender loving care just as much as they need biological basics like nourishment from nursing or baths or changing diapers, and it doesn’t change much when they grow up. Despite what other books will tell you, it’s a mistake to assume that ALL men MUST chase a woman to really be into her.

There is a small demographic of more metro sexual men who need to be chased. They will not pursue you even if they are interested. Make sure you can see a clear distinction between a feminine or submissive man and an uninterested man. These men can sometimes even be perceived as gay acting and more often than not, the cliché of a dominant, mother-ish figure is what turns them on.

If you are a dominant woman who needs to play the role of the hunter, these men are your perfect prey. This contingent of men do come with a word of caution: there are still a number of gay men in the closet who will play at being straight and will even marry you. Make sure your metro sexual is heterosexual. Tell-take signs usually -ahem- arise (or don’t) in the bedroom. Also if you do choose the feminine man there is a good chance you’ll have to be the breadwinner and take care of him.

If your primary need is to be taken care of, then a submissive man is not what you want. While some women enjoy making all the decisions and/or being maternal in a relationship, most of us don’t want to be our man’s mama. Most of us are looking for a 50/50 partnership. But, you need to figure out exactly what you are looking for, however typical or unconventional it may be. That’s why an important part of this book, the gist of it actually, is about being yourself and picking a partner that is truly compatible with you. The sooner you stop playing games the sooner you will stop being played. But you have to get real with yourself first.

Now forget EVERYTHING you have learned and read about snagging a man. Let’s try a different approach, shall we? It’s time to get tough. Throw out the rules and make your own! Don’t pick your partner based on how cute your friends think he is or because he will take you shopping and buy you Louboutins. Or because you are addicted to the sex. (Buy yourself a Rabbit at the sex shop and move on, girl!) You are a special and unique being. We all have different needs. We all care about different things. Define your own life-style and don’t buy into what you think you should have. Figuratively speaking, don’t break your neck to buy a Balenciaga City handbag when you’d actually be satisfied with a Coach on sale. Be the woman you were meant to be and you will find the man who is meant for you.

After reading this book, we want you to be able to jump up on that stage in front of everyone, knowing you will be judged and that your performance may be less than stellar. Diving straight into that mosh pit, knowing full well you might get hurt. You are a now rule-breaker, a rebel, and a rock star. You ARE deserving of adoring fans. You WILL find that one special fan you can make beautiful music with, hopefully forever. Until you do, you will be working on the coolest, happiest, and most successful solo project available: YOU!

Our Stories-

Susan:

I’ve been through so many disastrous relationships. I tried countless suggestions from therapists and memorized the advice so boldly suggested in self-help books, cherishing them like they were my own personal Love Bibles. I came out empty handed every time! Every relationship was more devastating and deceptive than my last. I couldn’t win. I resigned myself to the idea that marriage was not in the cards for me, and that I was going to be the last person who was going to say, I do and live happily ever after with my soul mate.

Like so many other women, I felt inundated with too much information and unnatural rules. I was too afraid to be myself so I couldn’t maintain any kind of healthy relationship. Asking a man serious questions, and holding out for the love that I deserved was too scary. Men would walk all over me and if they ever did call me their girlfriend which was rare, I was so grateful, I acted as if I had just won the lottery!

Before meeting my husband, my love life was just one horror story after another. I had been beaten up; my last boyfriend ended up being a crack addict and got married behind my back while he continued to live with me. My most successful romantic relationship was with a gay man. Needless to say it wasn’t very sexually satisfying and the deception was heartbreaking. I finally had enough and decided I needed to get real with myself and find out what truly worked for me and made me tick. I had to get to know myself. I had been hiding for so long that I didn’t know who I was. I realized I never wanted to settle down and that is why I got into relationships that didn’t stand a chance.

It wasn’t until I turned 42 years old that I could honestly say I really wanted to get married. So I sat down and analyzed all of the advice I was given by girlfriends and experts, and tips I had read in self-help books. I took a good hard look at my mistakes and owned up to my own actions. After that, I stood for no bullshit, and I met my husband within 6 months of my spiritual awakening. Marrying Michael was the best decision I had ever made. I truly feel loved and for the first time I am able to trust men. I wrote this book because I wanted to share my story with all of you and let you know what I have learned throughout the years. I never want another woman to feel compromised or to feel too scared to ask for what she wants and deserves.

Lina:

Unlike Susan, I was pretty much always a long-term-relationship type gal. I didn’t kiss too many frogs before meeting my would-be prince. I met the man who I would end up marrying and having a child with in high school. We had an off and on again love saga that spanned 20 years (more about this later). Before him, I had a few innocent teen romances, and during our breaks, a couple fairly serious boyfriends that I can count on one hand. Every break-up hurt, though. A lot. I always took the high road post- break-up; never psycho’d out and made sure to look extra good when I might be running into any of them. There was certain satisfaction for me in maintaining all of my exes’ respect, if not their adoration. Still, in my 20s, I did a couple house drive-bys I’m not proud of, and in my 30s, a drunken dial/text or two I wish I could take back.

Ultimately, my best revenge was simply moving on. Being successful and making a name for myself in my profession (journalism) was always about me. But if it also kept my name out there and reminded the guys who dumped me of my fabulous existence, all the better! I was raised to value myself and respect myself. While a few men have broken my heart and badly bruised my ego, I’ve always been able to heal. I’m of the mindset that if a dude doesn’t want me, he truly doesn’t deserve me. Unlike Groucho Marx, a club that wouldn’t have me as a member was NEVER one I wanted to be in. Now in the process of a pretty painful divorce, I remind myself of this every day. Every woman deserves to be in a club or a relationship where she is really wanted and appreciated.

During the course of writing this book, I did in fact fall in love, but ultimately the relationship didn’t work out. We remain friends today. I realize now that he was who I needed at the time. Maybe I wasn’t ready or we were just not meant to be together forever. The driving themes behind this project were only enforced for me. I loved and learned from that boyfriend. Loving myself no matter what was the point. This hasn’t always been easy, especially when I take a hard look at the mistakes I have made in my relationships. But I work on it constantly. Thanks to my friends (many of whom you’ll read about in coming chapters), family and the motivational ideas in other books, I was able to conquer break-up depression and open myself up to love again. Today, I’m being truer to myself than I ever have been, and since dating again, I know that this is what will ultimately lead me where I am meant to be. If I can help other women going through this all too-common, unbearably tough transition by sharing my own experiences, encouraging them to stay true to themselves, laughing, crying and rocking their full potential through this book, then everything I’ve been through will be more than worth it.

Chapter 2

Great Rock ‘n’ Roll Romances – That Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Rock ‘n’ roll is about having a badass attitude, great sex, and uninhibited expression. These are ideas we want you to explore as you learn about yourself and what you want from a relationship. Most love songs come from real life, and some of the greatest stuff ever written was inspired by amazing, often tumultuous, rollercoaster romances. Some songs are simply about pure and true adoration. Some are dirty, hot, and wild. Some are sad. Some are angry AND nutty! The music-love connection goes beyond specific compositions or tracks. After all, there is no bigger inspiration than that crazy little thing called love.

Think about