High Five Discipline: Positive Parenting for Happy, Healthy, Well-Behaved Kids

By Candice W. Jones

When confronting the challenge of disciplining their children, moms and dads often default to the ways their own parents disciplined them, sometimes with harmful results. In High Five Discipline, mom and practicing pediatrician Dr. Candice Jones shows parents a better way. Dr. Jones coaches parents to understand their child's developmental stages and their own motivations to create a family discipline plan that manages misbehavior and encourages good behavior. Her advice is packed with developmentally appropriate strategies to tame tantrums, stop sibling squabbles, and reward better behavior to create a calmer, more harmonious home.

• Language: English
• Publisher: American Academy of Pediatrics
• Release date: Dec 1, 2021
• ISBN: 9781610025188

Book preview

PART 1

Personal History: My Her story

When you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else.

—IYANLA VANZANT

Hi there! Allow me to reintroduce myself. I’m Candice Jones, MD, FAAP, but you can call me Dr Candice. I’m a board-certified pediatrician, a wife, and a mother of 2 beautiful children. I want to share with you my journey to becoming the parent I am today, or tomorrow, because I work hard every day to get better at parenting my kids. In addition, I hope to encourage you to explore your story because our past can positively guide the way we discipline.

Well, to put it mildly, I was raised old school. I was spanked probably 10 times a day on a good day. And yes, I was left with some marks that would qualify as abuse nowadays. But in the ’70s and ’80s, spanking was the norm; I even got a couple of paddlings from my teachers.

My mom was a teenager when she became a parent. She had inadequate parenting and coping skills and an immature brain of her own. She was stressed-out from a bad marriage and trying her best to make ends meet. She had little time for children’s mess and was irritable, impatient, and quick to grab whatever to straighten you out. She did the best she could to care for us. I know that, and I love her for it.

I remember, late one Christmas Eve, like most nights, I wet the bed. My older sister tattled on me. My mom spanked me as usual, shouting about how tired she was of my bedwetting, how I was just too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom, and how Santa Claus was going to catch me out of bed and put ashes in my eyes.

Time out!

No child wants to lie in a wet bed or pees in their bed on purpose. Bedwetting is typically a normal, common, and involuntary phase outgrown in young childhood. Concerns should be discussed with your pediatrician, not through punishing your child.

She ordered me to take a bath as she went back to bed. I was terrified and bathed so quickly that I used only a cup of water that night. Thank God Santa never showed up!

And the list goes on and on: The vice grip pinches in the grocery store that brought me to my knees and the look that dared me to cry aloud. Being sent to get the belt or picking the switch from a tree for my spanking. The threats and the words that cut like knives. And believing that I had caused my mother’s wrath and that she was supposed to act this way. My fault. Look what I made her do, I thought.

I hear people from all walks of life say things like I deserved those whuppings, I was bad or That’s what’s wrong with kids these days, parents can’t discipline (spank) them anymore. Sadly, these learned behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs toward parenting and children felt normal to me as well. Children are indoctrinated into abuse—verbal, physical, and mental—generation after generation in many households.

And you may be thinking, You’re a doctor and you turned out great, even though your mother spanked you! Yes, I turned out great, not because of what my mom did wrong but because of what she did right. And it’s perfectly OK to acknowledge having both kinds of experiences.

My mom was the best cook. I can feel my mouth watering right now, just thinking about the meals she prepared for us! She taught us to believe in God and took us to church regularly, where we were guided, nurtured, and supported. She demonstrated hard work and self-determination by caring for us while she was going to school to become a nurse. And she knew how to gather support from the village. Our grandparents and great-grandparents were within walking distance and gave us all the hugs, kisses, and treats that a child could ever want. That’s just part of the reason I turned out great.

On the other hand, I carry some baggage from the adults in my life doing some things wrong. Therefore, I internalized what I saw and heard and grew up aggressive, impatient, and blaming of others for my actions and harsh words. I also developed an intolerance for children. I would say, He’s bad, She needs her behind whipped, or They’re so spoiled, because their momma doesn’t spank them. (Not the makings of a pediatrician, I know.) I definitely embraced this philosophy at one time. But not anymore!

What changed my mind, you ask? Well, the phenomenal poet Maya Angelou said it best: Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, you do better. I’ve witnessed teachers, parents, and other caregivers disciplining differently—with a more positive and peaceful approach—and the kids turned out amazing; they were happier and calmer even. Also, 15 years of pediatric practice taught me better ways to relate to kids and a handful of strategies to encourage them to behave without all the drama.

Children misbehave. Children need discipline. And children who don’t have it tend to go astray. But it’s also true that discipline doesn’t have to be strict, harsh, or aggressive. Appropriate discipline should be administered with love and a spirit of training or teaching, all to foster the greatest potential in our children. And since I’ve had children of my own, I’ve put these strategies to the test. This is where the rubber meets the road!

During my son’s preschool years, he got into trouble a lot for tantrums—loud crying, kicking his shoes off, falling to the floor, and even running away. He was in a traditional, private school setting that worked well with in-the-box kids but not those whose behavior posed a challenge. I was working full-time then—about 30 minutes outside of town. The school would call me and request that I come get him. I’d say, Wait … what? … but I’m seeing patients and sick kids at that, who need me to be here. You can’t handle one crying kid? I’d hear, Sorry, you have to come get him. And on the days he stayed, I still received messages and emails, and ultimately attended several meetings to fix this, but oddly, they offered no solutions.

When I asked his preschool teacher to implement a classroom behavior plan, which included praise for appropriate behavior, she reportedly felt it would be unfair to the other kids. His next teacher called him violent, obviously not knowing the definition, and took pictures of him crying and hanging upside down from his chair, as if I didn’t see these things at home (he was the same everywhere—there was no turning this behavior on and off). Another teacher called him bad. One principal suggested that he would grow up with an anger problem, and another one lied to cover their blunders, blaming a 4-year-old for crying his way out of his problems. Needless to say, I took him out midyear and received a refund after exposing their inadequacies. Teachers and principals need positive parenting skills too!

What I regret most is how I reacted toward my son and his unwanted behaviors. I let the pressure from the school, my own frustrations, and others’ judgments and advice influence me. I went into fix-it mode, briefly reverting to old-school parenting to force him to behave. I even hired an unlicensed boot camp–style, so-called, behavior therapist. My temperament and old belief system of control played into interactions with my son. I would sometimes yell, lose my cool, and say things out of anger and frustration that I later regretted.

Now, however, I know those things are damaging and counterproductive and didn’t help him settle down, manage his emotions, or make better choices. They actually made his behavior worse. So I prayed and found that the answer was—and always will be—love. I’m not talking about the deep, emotional love that we feel for our children but the verb love, the act of love. How we love. Did my son feel loved when I screamed at him, spanked him, or put him down? No. Would he model my behaviors and aggression? Yes, and he was doing just that!

It was clear that I should act more lovingly, compassionately, and empathically. My responses needed to be kind, patient, and understanding. I had to focus on teaching, guiding, and nurturing him. I also had to shift my attention from fixing my son to examining myself. I needed to relax, think clearly, and define who I wanted and needed to be for my child in those tense moments. All adults need to do this if they choose to have or work with children.

One thing is for sure: it’s easier to react. Parenting well is hard work. Whew! Going from angry to calm, negative to positive, impatient to patient, blaming to understanding, and reactionary to proactive takes a lot of effort, but the reward and positive results you witness will be worth it.

Despite popular belief, my son wasn’t being defiant and trying to make my life miserable; he was just a child behaving innocently and immaturely, with self-driven wants and poor emotional control. He needed nurturing, guidance, and consistent, positive parenting.

So I went part-time and homeschooled him for about 8 months before finding a school that was a good fit for him—fit is key. He was fully evaluated, which highlighted areas requiring medical attention and explained his behaviors and social-emotional difficulties. We got help from a few great, highly skilled professionals, and I took a parenting class. Yes, I, the pediatrician, did!

I learned and improved my parenting skills. I began to pay attention when he behaved well and taught him better when he misbehaved, over and over again. I purposefully tried to find the positive in every situation and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I learned his triggers, what encouraged him to make positive choices, and what made him shut down or not adhere. Then I worked to anticipate his actions and made adjustments for more positive outcomes. Miraculously, I began to see his behavior improve as I began to praise him with a thumbs-up, pat on the back, or high five. And he even began to express disappointment over things he did wrong and make better choices.

I know you may be unable to do exactly what I did, because we don’t all have the same resources. But you need to know when to seek help and when old-fashioned tactics just won’t do. That’s why I’ve written this book. To share with you all the strategies I’ve learned along the way and to offer guidance on how you can reclaim a joyous family (home) life.

The icing on the cake was finding a wonderful Montessori school that focused on educating the whole child and believed in individualized education. Academics are important, but meeting the social-emotional and developmental needs of students is just as important. My son can lie or sit quietly on the floor or at a desk in his classroom. He has a place to go, to chill out, when his emotions are getting the best of him, and other classroom strategies promote his educational success. He has Peace Class and Life Lab. He receives gifted instruction with internships to stimulate and hone his exceptional mind. And most importantly, his teachers believe that he is loving, kind, and trying very hard to make positive choices every day. Therefore, he has matured beautifully and we see a bright future.