How to talk so kids will listen + listen so kids will talk...

1. Is it important that I always empathise with my child?

No. Many of our conversations with our children consist of casual exchanges. If a child were to say, “Mum, I decided that I do want to go swimming this afternoon,” it would seem unnecessary for the parent to reply, “So you made a decision to go swimming this afternoon.” A simple “Thanks for letting me know” would be sufficient acknowledgement. The time for empathy is when a child wants you to know how they feel. Respecting their positive feelings presents few problems. It’s not hard to respond to a youngster’s exuberant “I got a B+ on my assignment today!” with an equally enthusiastic “B+! You must be so pleased!”

It’s their negative emotions that require our skill. That’s where we have to overcome the old temptation to ignore, deny, moralise, etc. One father said that what helped him become more sensitive to his son’s emotional needs was when he began to equate the boy’s bruised, unhappy feelings with physical bruises. Somehow the image of a cut or a laceration helped him realise that his son required as prompt and serious attention for his hurt feelings as he would for a hurt knee.

2. What’s wrong with asking a child directly, “Why do you feel that way?”

Some children can tell you why they’re frightened, angry or unhappy. For many, however, the question “Why?” only adds to their problem. In addition to their original distress, they must now analyse the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation. Very often children don’t know why they feel as they do. At other times they’re reluctant to tell because they fear that in the adult’s eyes their reason won’t seem good enough. (“For that you’re crying?”)

It’s much more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, “I see something is making you sad,” rather than to be interrogated with “What happened?” or “Why do you feel that way?”. It’s easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what you’re feeling rather than one who presses