Little Steps

By James Adams

This book is a journal documenting how I survived the traumatic loss of my son Andrew through suicide on November 7, 2009. At the time my son committed suicide, I had been keeping a journal off and on for most of my life. These conversations seemed to occur when my questions and issues were personal, emotionally charged, and usually beyond my coping skills.
My book begins in the month of August 2009 when I was deep into reading a series of books by Neale Donald Walsch which began with Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1 and his newest book, which I was just beginning to read, When Everything Changes, Change Everything. Even though my son died in November, I started this book beginning with August because that provides background information as to what was going on in my life and Andrew’s life in the months leading up to his suicide. Also, this is a way for me to introduce you to my journal’s conversational style of writing.
Mind you, in my own journal writing, I rarely if ever figured out who I was hearing or who was answering my questions; I was just glad to have some other clearer and wiser viewpoint to help me see my way through stressful situations. Every time I pressed whomever I was listening to for names and titles, I got brushed off. The voices’ argument was: “If you are going to use the information that comes to you, it is your responsibility to take ownership of it, and of the consequences brought to you by using that information, not because something or someone else was telling you what to think.”
As I wrote in my journal during these conversations, these voices in my head sounded like my own voice but I could easily identify them due to the quiet, calm tone and depth of wisdom they emanated.
As I wrote them down, I knew how the conversation unfolded but not how it would look in writing, so in this book I created some formatting identifier to tell when it’s me talking and thinking or when it’s “someone else” doing the talking. As a result, I use brackets and italics to identify “their” contributions to the conversation. And then, occasionally I hear voices from people I do know and I can identify. Mostly it’s family members and friends who have died or “crossed over,” or happen to be teachers, authors, or characters in books I am reading, and hearing them as they communicate with me. At those times, I can visualize them or use their actual names and I put their part of the conversation in bold italics so you, the reader, can tell them apart from my other conversations.
Having had years of conversations and insights helping me cope with everyday issues I was so thankful that those conversations continued through the loss, shock, grief, and recovery from Andrew’s suicide. What follows are my journal entries for the days noted at the top of each entry. Wherever possible I kept the conversations sounding just like I heard it. What you read is what I wrote as I was experiencing it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ozark Mountain Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005358303

James Adams

James Adams, born in 1947, graduated in 1969 from Ohio University with a Bachelor of Science degree in industrial manufacturing technology. As a senior in college, he was introduced to journal writing for a class assignment and found writing to be satisfying and useful. In 1970, working as a manufacturing engineer in Cincinnati, James was drafted into the U.S. Army and served in the infantry in Vietnam from 1971 to 1972. During deployment, he wrote extensively of his experiences in Vietnam to friends at home and also created “significant day” journals, describing the details of deployment in a war zone.Upon being discharged, James dropped out of the workforce to refocus on readjusting to living in America, eventually marrying and returning to the workforce as a manufacturing engineer in an aerospace company from 1973 until 1977. He then dropped out of the workforce again and journaled his experiences as he and his wife explored America in a camper. They eventually settled in Northwest Arkansas as part of the back-to-the-land movement on 25 acres of Ozark woods. James continued his journal writing to document their lifestyle.In 1981 he returned to working in a factory as a manufacturing engineer, and in 1985 entered a drug rehabilitation center to address a chemical addiction that began in Vietnam. This time James kept a journal of his recovery progress and it was an important component of his 12-step recovery program.James’ journal writing took a new direction in 1991. After his divorce and while single-parenting his son Andrew, the questions he presented in his writings began to be answered by hearing “undefined voices” who offered wise counsel and insights focused on guiding him through turbulent times.James remarried in 1997 and continued to journal his day-to-day conversations as well as creating a detailed picture journal describing construction of their mostly off-grid home in Madison County, Arkansas. At this time the journal writing became more and more spiritually focused and became a key factor in James’ spiritual development. When Andrew committed suicide in November 2009, the voices of wisdom continued to support James through his grieving process and continue to guide him on a journey of spiritual awakening.

Book preview

Little Steps

…

My Spiritual Journal:

Coping with My Son’s Suicide

By

James Ream Adams

Table of Contents

Title Page

© 2019 by James Ream Adams

Prologue

Introduction

August 2009

September 2009

October 2009

November 2009

December 2009

January 2010

February 2010

March 2010

April 2010

May 2010

Epilogue

Appendix

About the Author

© 2019 by James Ream Adams

All rights reserved. No part of this book, in part or in whole, may be reproduced, transmitted or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic, photographic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without permission in writing from Ozark Mountain Publishing, Inc. except for brief quotations embodied in literary articles and reviews.

For permission, serialization, condensation, adaptions, or for our catalog of other publications, write to Ozark Mountain Publishing, Inc., P.O. Box 754, Huntsville, AR 72740, ATTN: Permissions Department.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Adams, James Ream – 1947 -

Little Steps by James Ream Adams

Imagine having voices of wise counsel available daily to help you through life’s issues.

1. Death/Afterlife 2. Healing 3. Spiritual 4. Metaphysical

I. Adams, James Ream, 1947 - II. Metaphysical III. Healing IV. Title

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2019954564 ISBN: 9781940265704

Cover Art and Layout: Victoria Cooper Art

Book set in: Tekton Pro, Times New Roman

Book Design: Tab Pillar

Published by:

PO Box 754, Huntsville, AR 72740

800-935-0045 or 479-738-2348; fax [phone]

WWW.OZARKMT.COM

Printed in the United States of America

Thanks to everyone who helped me, especially my loving wife Ellen Bruce who supported me throughout this process. Ellen also provided the original artwork for each chapter heading.

In addition, I would like to acknowledge those voices of support and wisdom that helped me when the rest of my world seemed to be so insane.

Prologue

I started writing a personal journal in college in the 1960s, and over the years I found myself going from writing this is what I did today to more and more often using my journal writing as a way to work through personal issues. In the beginning, all I did was write what was bothering me or what I felt, but over time, I found myself having conversations in my writing that felt like other viewpoints coming into my consciousness. Well, when I got that dreaded we need to talk call from my girlfriend I went to bed upset and confused as to what to do, but still hoping something would come to me to help me work my way through this issue. What follows is my first experience where I heard a response to my writings.

Sunday 11-17-91

When I woke up this morning, this afternoon’s 1:00 breakup meeting with Nannette was the first thing to come to mind. Here I sit at the kitchen table, totally at a loss as to what to do. The first thought I had was to take my You were Terrific balloon that she had given me and hang it on the doorknob symbolizing how our relationship has changed since it now hangs limp upon the string … But that wasn’t complete. It may have been clear hindsight, but it was not any indication as to what to do now, or in the future …

So, I asked myself again, and in response I was given this vision. Most appropriate, I thought, especially for sharing with a girlfriend who is an elementary education schoolteacher! To my surprise I hear a voice in my head!

[Get a piece of construction paper and some scissors. Two pieces actually, one for each of you. Now, sharing the scissors, fold each sheet of paper and cut out half of a heart on the fold line so that a heart can be formed by the cut.]

Well, that’s kind of corny. What are we going to do now? Cut them in half and give each other a piece to keep like a pair of teen- age lovers?

[Right, and be sure to make a good job of cutting them so the edges are very jagged. Be fair, too, cut away only what you are willing to give away.]

Oh, so that’s my lesson, eh? How big a piece do I give away, and how big a piece did I get?

[No, and don’t be impatient and jump to conclusions. We are giving the lesson here. You are the one doing the learning!]

Okay, okay, now what?

[Okay, now the two of you, look at the piece you kept and the one you got from each other. Try to fit them together. Does it work? Are they of the same color, the same size, do the edges meet? Play with them. Can they be overlapped to make one whole heart? What do you think?]

Well, if I got a bigger one than I gave away, I guess I could cut on it until I got one that matched up to the piece I kept. And it might work, but if it is too small, or the wrong color or something else, it will never fit together.

[Well, now you are starting to think. Keep playing with the pieces until you are sure.]

All right already, I get it. They don’t match. So what? That’s obvious. Tell me what this lesson is all about.

[Ah, yes, now you ask! Well, let us proceed. What piece have we not looked at?]

Well, the sheet I cut the heart out of, I guess.

[Right. Open it up and what do you see?]

Well, a piece of paper with a heart cut out of it?

[Boy, you sure have a grasp of the obvious.]

Okay … What does that mean?

[Okay, my friend, I’ll explain. The sheet of paper is yourself. The hole, shaped like a heart, is the hole you’ve left behind when you cut the heart out. See it? Well, all of life is the drama of playing with the pieces we cut out, and the truth is, the pieces are only a part of the whole. The hole left behind is just as important. Maybe even more so because it’s the motivation behind playing with the pieces. You see, you thought you could fix things by making the pieces whole again, didn’t you? That’s where all your effort was focused, when in truth, all you were really trying to do was fill in the hole you left behind.]

Oh. Well, can’t I fill it with all my pieces, the ones I kept and the ones given me?

[Look closely, even if you got pieces that matched in color, and even if you trimmed them just so … would they ever perfectly fit into the hole you are trying to fill?]

Well, no. You can’t cut that accurately.

[Even deeper than that, would each fiber of the paper match up with the other half where the scissors severed the paper?]

No.

[Now think, my friend, where could you get a paper heart that would perfectly fill the hole you see?]

Well, it would have to come from the exact pieces I kept, and the ones I gave away.

[Yes.]

But so many pieces are gone for good. I cut out a piece for my son Andrew when his mom divorced me and took him away. My ex- wife took a piece, and this spring I gave a big piece to my previous girlfriend, Leslie. All those pieces are gone. Now what do I do? Don’t leave me hanging like this with no hope of recovery.

[We won’t. Where can you begin? Now think, and think from a place of love and your own heart.]

Well, it seems absurd but the only thought I came up with is to give my pieces back to the rightful owners … But then I’ll have less for me.

[That’s okay. Your heart is on the right path. The only possible true act of love is what you just described. Giving back is the only choice you have, and if all people did that, then everyone would have a chance to be whole.]

But what about the pieces I gave away? Will I ever see them again?

[Let us give you an example. You said you gave a big piece to Leslie, didn’t you?]

Yes.

[And in your own heart, don’t you know that truly, you gave her heart piece back?]

Yes, I did.

[Now think about Friday night. Do you think it was just coincidence that the two of you ran into each other in that AA meeting? Do you think it was just coincidence that you went out afterward to talk? Do you think it was just coincidence that she sat in the car with you, and in her own way, made her amends? Do you not see now how things are done? You did your work and let her go. And did that piece of your heart not come back to you?]

Yes. But what about those pieces given away that now seem forever lost?

[You just keep on working at giving your own captured pieces back and leave the rest up to us. Remember, you don’t have to do anything but your best. We know what struggles you are going through, and even more, we have access to that which you call Divine Grace and with it all pieces can be returned.]

Now what?

[Well, you can start with giving Nannette her piece back. You love her, don’t you?]

Oh, yes, enough to gladly return her piece to her. It’s her heart, after all. Only she can and does know how to use it.

[Well, do it, don’t just sit there. This is only one lesson. You have work to do today so let’s get on with it.]

Thanks, and I love you too.

Introduction

This book is a journal documenting how I survived the traumatic loss of my son Andrew through suicide on November 7, 2009. At the time my son committed suicide, I had been keeping a journal off and on for most of my life. These conversations seemed to occur when my questions and issues were personal, emotionally charged, and usually beyond my coping skills.

My book begins in the month of August 2009 when I was deep into reading a series of books by Neale Donald Walsch which began with Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1 and his newest book, which I was just beginning to read, When Everything Changes, Change Everything. Even though my son died in November, I started this book beginning with August because that provides background information as to what was going on in my life and Andrew’s life in the months leading up to his suicide. Also, this is a way for me to introduce you to my journal’s conversational style of writing.

Mind you, in my own journal writing, I rarely if ever figured out who I was hearing or who was answering my questions; I was just glad to have some other clearer and wiser viewpoint to help me see my way through stressful situations. Every time I pressed whomever I was listening to for names and titles, I got brushed off. The voices’ argument was: If you are going to use the information that comes to you, it is your responsibility to take ownership of it, and of the consequences brought to you by using that information, not because something or someone else was telling you what to think.

As I wrote in my journal during these conversations, these voices in my head sounded like my own voice but I could easily identify them due to the quiet, calm tone and depth of wisdom they emanated.

As I wrote them down, I knew how the conversation unfolded but not how it would look in writing, so in this book I created some formatting identifier to tell when it’s me talking and thinking or when it’s someone else doing the talking. As a result, I use brackets and italics to identify their contributions to the conversation.

And then, occasionally I hear voices from people I do know and I can identify. Mostly it’s family members and friends who have died or crossed over, or happen to be teachers, authors, or characters in books I am reading, and hearing them as they communicate with me. At those times, I can visualize them or use their actual names and I put their part of the conversation in bold italics so you, the reader, can tell them apart from my other conversations.

Having had years of conversations and insights helping me cope with everyday issues I was so thankful that those conversations continued through the loss, shock, grief, and recovery from Andrew’s suicide. What follows are my journal entries for the days noted at the top of each entry. Wherever possible I kept the conversations sounding just like I heard it. What you read is what I wrote as I was experiencing it.

August 2009

Thursday 8-27-09

In hindsight, the Little steps along the path of light make for better progress than blind leaps into the dark channeling I got back in the ’80s, that was a tool to change my perception?

[Yes, to focus you down into a tighter focus. Yes, you are a daydreamer, and in some ways you lived in your dreams without being aware of your realities. Little steps started the refocusing process.]

Okay.

[Now you see how moment to moment awareness of your thoughts can open you up to hear how your mind has wandered?]

Can’t I daydream?

[Sure, it’s a creative force but not when you have to be re- minded to get back on track by getting what you didn’t want but did ask for with that behavior, see?]

Yes.

Friday 8-28-09

When all of us went to take my son Andrew out for his birthday he told us he got laid off yesterday. Well, now I know why I got the Changes book for Andrew as a birthday present.

[Yes, timely, wasn’t it!]

Shit, okay, I know even though he got laid off, everything is good, but shit.

[You know it is for the best.]

Sure, in the long run, and, yes, I know it’s my stuff that is coming up. Andrew has his own stuff to deal with. He seemed okay after he told us he got laid off and he talked almost as if he was glad to have an excuse to get out of living in Tulsa. It is hard for me to read him.

[He said he was glad for the Changes book.]

Yeah, I know, only good comes from Changes, and, yes, this is exactly why the book was written, to take advantage of this kind of event, to spur changes in how we view change, but shit.

Yes, I can see how this is like me getting drafted only six months after I got my first job out of college. Yes, I see how it all turned out for the best for me, but shit, it felt like hell when he told me he was unemployed. God, what a lesson for the both of us. I’ll say I’m happy for him but it’s not what I’m feeling right now. My distorted reality is pumping out the emotions. Okay, I know I can choose to be glad for him.

Saturday 8-29-09

I’m having the hardest time staying awake today. Of course, if I slow down I tend to fall asleep, especially without caffeine to boost me back up again. I am taking it easy, somewhat.

[Why?]

I think it’s a slow build back of stamina from the last two weeks of anxiety and stress thinking I had a heart attack and then going to the ER for tests. God, I really rode that distorted reality for a hell of a ride.

[Yes, you did.]

I was in shock last night after hearing Andrew got laid off and I let my emotions and distorted reality view go there, didn’t I?

[It’s okay, you caught yourself, not bad for the newly aware.]

Ha, that sounds like a line out of the movie Beetlejuice, and the Guide for the Newly Dead.

[I know.]

I had lots of dreams last night. Do you influence my dreams?

[We do it together, it’s not like I pushed them on you.]

You don’t? I thought it was my Soul’s role to keep reminding me about why I’m here on the physical plane.

[Yes.]

So which is it, you make dreams happen or not?

[It’s more like you, yourself remembering the freedom and connectedness in the dream state more than I, your Soul, dictating to you in dreams.]

Hmm, I’m not sure I get it yet. I have this image of the Soul calling all the shots, even as to when I die.

[Your image is one of us as separate; we are not separate.]

I guess I’m still living in my own mind.

[Your ego is keeping you separate, just as it is supposed to; just as your body is the vehicle, the mind is the driver and the Soul the road, see? We all work together doing our parts.]

Well, what is your part in tonight’s conversation?

[My part is to stay in your awareness.]

You mean like teaching me to listen?

[Crudely spoken, but yes. Reminding you to listen to yourself is a better way of putting it.]

This is like when I had to stop listening to me saying I needed to get stoned?

[Yes.]

Can I choose to place you separate, like the character Grandfather in Tom Brown Jr.’s books, where this Grandfather character is constantly being driven by his Indian visions?

[That was the context Grandfather lived in and it was how he saw his reality, or, you can choose the context you currently live in as your reality. You can call me God and then be separate from God but guided by God, or choose to experience me as your own Soul. It’s whatever works for you. You liked the series of books by Ceanne DeRohan where in the book Right Use of Will she had direct conversations with God. Then you liked Neale Donald Walsch’s books such as Conversations with God, and you like talking to God, so now you’re comfortable with that. Now having a conversation with your Soul is a new concept, a new and unfamiliar concept, see?]

Yes.

[So let us take time getting to know each other.]

But you know everything about me, don’t you?

[Yes, and you resist and resent authority because I’m getting that image from you now.]

Yes, I admit, you can tell from my earlier questions I was feeling resentful, like you’re all powerful and I am just the dumb ego apparition wandering around here on the physical plane. I know I am not my body, but I’m not really sure I am not my mind.

[Thanks for being honest.]

Okay, how can I even perceive my Soul except through my mind?

[That’s a good question, not one easy to answer. It is like how you got comfortable being Friends with God, having Conversations with God, and Communion with God, when you read books of those names by Neale Donald Walsch. There you had examples in his books to give you permission to have the journal conversations with God for yourself.]

True, but I don’t think I know any Soul-aware Masters to learn from through example.

[So, I guess we will have to go it our own way and see what works, right?]

Yeah, I can see that happening. Maybe you will help me write my own series of books, Meet Your Soul, I, II, and III, like Neale Donald Walsch did?

[Well, let’s get to know each other before I start hunting down any book deals for you!]

Okay, I’m Jim Adams, ego-centered mind guy.

[I’m glad to meet you.]

And you are?

[I’m the Soul part of the three-part mind/body/Soul Jim Adams, and, yes, we’ve met often. It’s just you weren’t aware of us working together.]

Would an example be me buying the Changes book for Andrew?

[Exactly.]

I just had this idea.

[What?]

Instead of the common question what would Jesus do? I can ask, what would my Soul do?

[That’s good, it shows ownership in our relationship, and I will be more than happy to tell you.]

So instead of me being driven like Tom Brown Jr.’s Grandfather, we can be partners?

[Yes!]

Okay, I’ll give it a go, and then we’ll see what happens.

[Good.]

Well, Soul, what would you like to do now?

[Celebrate.]

How?

[By thanking yourself and feeling joy at our union.]

How?

[Relax and let happiness flow over you.]

You mean just feel happy?

[Sure, remember you get to choose your emotions and what they mean for you. Now is a good time to feel joy and happiness.]

Heck, any time is a good time to feel joy and happiness.

[Yes! And, yes, invite your mom, dad, and sister in with us. They love a good happy also!]

Sunday 8-30-09

Last night’s happiness experience was nice, I realized I don’t do happy much.

[No?]

Well, it felt awkward, kind of unfamiliar. I use happy as a reward and as such I don’t reward myself much with it. Usually I binge on sugar instead.

[I know.]

I have been thinking about Andrew often. He’ll do fine. It’s my own feelings of anxiety that I am dredging up, not his feelings. So I choose to stop that.

[How?]

I choose to be happy for him.

[Nice choice.]

September 2009

Wednesday 9-2-09

My mind does not yet accept the role of my Soul in my experience.

[I know.]

So what, you know everything so your answer is of little value to me.

[Your choice.]

So in spite of my wanting to connect with you, Soul, I can still choose to not know you?

[Yes.]

And you go along with that?

[Yes.]

But ultimately you will step in and at least end my physical existence so we will be as one again?

[All physical existence ends, yes. You shifting that off on to the Soul exclusively leaves your role in choosing outside of the equation.]

So I will choose?

[We all choose, Soul, mind, and body.]

And no one overrides the others?

[Not for long.]

What is it going to take for me to recognize your part, and to grasp what we chose to do in this life? And, yes, I know choose to is your airy-fairy answer to everything.

[You want specifics?]

Why not? Is it a secret?

[The mind may not want to do this.]

Okay, I can understand that, especially if the mind feels it’s the end of ego, the end of Jim Adams’s mental image of itself. The mind is all about self-preservation, even at the cost of failure to experience all that’s available to us.

[Yes.]

So how do I get out of my mind without losing my mind’s support in this?

[Have you asked?]

I’m asking now. The image I got was of being at war; it’s easier to stay in the trenches rather than jump up and run with the mixed chance of death or escape. So why get out of the rut?

[Yes, that’s the mind’s logic, self-preservation over success equals success anyway.]

Shit. Well, I’m getting plenty uncomfortable with that mindset.

[Good point. Your mind is set in that rut.]

Okay, I get it; still, what now? You, Soul, know everything; suggest a little step out of this deadlock.

[Take a risk.]

Take what risk?

[Okay, how about stepping back and be willing to take a risk?]

Jump blind?

[No, that is only for you to prepare yourself to jump when jumping is appropriate.]

Huh?

[Okay, exercise your powers of awareness, that exercise expands the options the mind can live with.]

I see.

[As it builds confidence, what was overwhelming begins to look doable and reasonable.]

You mean not threatening?

[Yes, the mind has infinite resources to block choices with bad examples. When the mind isn’t threatened, it’s eager to open up to new experiences.]

Is that kind of like when the body is living healthy it can accomplish more than when it is under stress?

[Yes, exactly.]

So you’re not going to tell me what to do, are you?

[Nope, all I want is for you to raise your awareness a little step at a time until ultimately you find yourself living on a whole new level.]

Is this like my Narcotics Anonymous approach where I did not look to the future but instead focused only on one day at a time?

[It worked then, no reason it won’t be productive again. You could reach total awareness instantaneously, but, what’s the fun in that?]

How about you give me just a few little peeks?

[You’re getting those all the time, now just notice them and absorb that into who you are, who you visualize as who you are, and who you choose to be.]

What about last night’s physical experience with the electric- like jolt to my back?

[What about it?]

Well, I know it means what I choose it to mean, from heart attack to bliss, maybe both, but give me a Soul’s perspective and not just the mind’s perspective on it.

[Well, was it like what Neale Donald Walsch described as the blue flame?]

It was more of a blue dot/halo than a jolt from behind. Kind of what I thought of when Don Juan would smack Carlos on the back jolting him into heightened awareness.

[That’s a good description.]

But in the context of my recent heart issues mindset, I’m afraid I’m leaning toward heart issues, not bliss.

[Did it feel like bliss?]

Well, I was calm throughout it, until afterward when my mind convinced me it was more like a heart attack and the light at the end of the tunnel kind of glimpse, not bliss.

[That could be the same experience, you know.]

Yes, I’m aware of that.

[Maybe your mind is wondering, are these heart stress issues or your heart charka opening up?]

Hmm, I’m wondering that myself.

[So you can see at least two perspectives on this?]

Yes, like having my body shake just now. I’m use to defining that as shaking off tension, especially in my upper shoulders and neck.

[Yes, your mind is aware of both the body’s tension and the shaking, it has learned to accept those together. Also, now as you’ve cut back on sugar, and eliminated caffeine, you’ll have to seek a new energy balance because of that change that has happened. It