The Songs of My Out-Of-Tune Love Life

By Brianna Leake

Brianna is just like any ordinary female in her 20’s living her best life - she’s got her thriving fitness career, homeowner, good car, well-travelled, amazing family and friends, a fun and busy social life but something is missing - someone to share it all with. She’s searching for love, but her journey has been far from easy. With online dating being this generations go-to, she’s found herself facing an uncanny challenge. From ghostings to dumpings, Brianna shares a handful of some of her worst dating experiences from dating apps such as Hinge, Bumble and Tinder that many women will be able to relate to.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Sep 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781664106307

Brianna Leake

Brianna was born in Perth, Western Australia in 1995. She grew up with her single Mother who married in 2008 and went on to have 3 beautiful children, fulfilling Brianna’s wish of siblings. She graduated high school in 2012 following on to work full time in administration for many years whilst studying a Certificate IV in Youth Work and Certificate III & IV in Fitness. Brianna now has a successful fitness business and aspires to open her own fitness studio. ‘The Songs of my Out-of-Tune Love Life” is her first book.

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Copyright © 2021 by Brianna Leake.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 09/17/2021

Xlibris

AU TFN: 1 800 844 927 (Toll Free inside Australia)

AU Local: 0283 108 187 ([phone] from outside Australia)

www.Xlibris.com.au

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CONTENTS

Chapter 1     ‘Superman (It’s Not Easy)’ — Five for Fighting

Chapter 2     ‘Ghost Town’ — Adam Lambert

Chapter 3     ‘Thank U, Next’ — Ariana Grande

Chapter 4     ‘Just A Dream’ — Nelly

Chapter 5     ‘Work’ — Rihanna

Chapter 6     ‘Some Say’ — Nea

Chapter 7     ‘Silence’ — Marshmello ft. Khalid

Chapter 8     ‘Around the World’ — Daft Punk (Part I)

Chapter 9      ‘Around the World’ — Daft Punk (Part II)

Chapter 10   ‘The Spark’ — Afrojack

Chapter 11   ‘Save Tonight’ — Eagle-Eye Cherry (Part I)

Chapter 12   ‘Save Tonight’ — Eagle-Eye Cherry (Part II)

Chapter 13   ‘Shout Out to My Ex’ — Little Mix

Chapter 14   ‘Lovefool’ — The Cardigans (Part I)

Chapter 15   ‘Lovefool’ — The Cardigans (Part II)

Chapter 16   ‘Lovefool’ — The Cardigans (Part III)

Chapter 17   ‘Obsessed’ — Mariah Carey

Chapter 18   ‘(There’s Gotta Be) More To Life – Stacey Orrico

Chapter 19   ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ — Queen

Chapter 20   ‘You Ruin Me’ — The Veronicas (Part I)

Chapter 21   ‘You Ruin Me’ — The Veronicas (Part II)

Chapter 22   ‘You Ruin Me’ — The Veronicas (Part III)

Chapter 23   ‘Love Myself’ — Hailey Steinfeld

CHAPTER

ONE

‘Superman (IT’S NOT EASY)’ —

Five for Fighting

I cant stand to fly

I’m not that niave

I’m just out to find

The better part of me

I’m more than a bird, I’m more than a plane

I’m more than some pretty face beside a train

And it’s not easy to be me

I’m driving one hundred kilometres down Tonkin Highway on my way home from lunch with friends, and ‘Superman (It’s Not Easy)’ is playing on Spotify. I’m singing along with the lyrics – ‘It’s not easy to be me’ – and I realise it’s one of those songs you sing more passionately because you can relate. When I have lunch with my friends, I always feel down afterwards, and that’s how I’m feeling now. It’s not because they’re bad friends. They’re great friends, and it’s been amazing having them in my life for the past six years, but for most of the friendship, I’ve been the single one.

There’re five of us: Mandy and Zaid, who have been married for five years and have a 2-year-old daughter; Kathryn and Cole, who have been together for three, engaged for two and a half, and are one month away from giving birth to their first baby; and me, who has been single for eight years. Yes, you read right – eight long lonely years.

It’s fair to say we were at different stages in our lives, and this was obvious in the topic of conversation at our lunches. There were always conversations about relationships, engagements, weddings, and babies – all of which I couldn’t relate to, which depressed me. However, today’s conversation was purely about babies. Mandy, Zaid, Kathryn, and Cole spoke about everything on babies, birth, and beyond, whilst I ate as much food as I could to comfort myself. Of course, I would love to be experiencing these life milestones too and be sharing the joy with my friends, but I haven’t been fortunate enough. Each time I see them, they ask how my love life is going, and either ‘non-existent’ or ‘another bad date’ was my standard reply.

We hadn’t caught up in a while, so during this lunch, I had a few bad dating stories to share, to which Cole responded, ‘So much drama with your dating life. When are you going to make a TV show or write a book? I would buy it.’

Challenge accepted, Cole! So here I am, writing about my tragic love life.

Have you tried dating in this world in which we live? It’s one of the hardest things you will ever do. It’s not like the olden days, when a guy would pick you up from your house, knock on your front door, open the car door for you, take you out on a nice date – the perfect gentleman – get you home safely and at a decent hour, and call you the next day. Now it’s a text of ‘I’m here’ when they arrive, followed by Netflix and chill on the couch and ghosting afterwards. If you find a guy who puts in the effort and treats you with respect, keep that guy close, girlfriend, because you’ve got a rare find.

There’s little chance of meeting someone in a social situation. Locking eyes with someone across the room and knowing they’re the one from the first look is a crock of shit. Now it’s swipe left or right on the dating apps you have downloaded on your phone whilst you’re sitting on your couch, looking ugly as hell. They say ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’, but it’s unavoidable when all you have to judge by are a couple of photos and maybe one or two sentences.

I’m now an expert on dating apps. I’ve been on and off them for the past eight years. You would think that by now, I would have met one decent guy, right? After all, I do live in a city with a population of nearly two million, but no.

There are three main apps. Tinder’s the app where most people go for a hook-up or something casual. You rarely find someone looking for anything more than that there. In the beginning, Tinder was the place to go, and many meaningful relationships resulted from it, but these days, it has changed. Now it’s the place to go if you want easy sex.

Bumble’s the app where you can add what you are looking for to your profile. Relationship? Something casual? Or not sure yet? This makes it easy to filter out those who aren’t on the same page as you. Bumble almost has an equal amount of those looking for a relationship and those looking for something casual. It is definitely a step up from Tinder. The way Bumble works is that only females can start the conversation, and they must do it within twenty-four hours of the match; otherwise, it expires. The guys then have twenty-four hours from receiving the first message to respond.

Then there’s Hinge, the app where you find people who want to date.

What all three have in common is that you have to swipe for matches. Let me tell you what I will swipe left and right for and why. If you don’t know which way is which, let me enlighten you. Left is no; right is yes.

Left:

• FIFO (admittedly from their bio or if they’re five hundred to one thousand kilometres away; it’s pretty obvious) – doesn’t know how to commit, and when they’re home, they just want to go out on the piss with the boys

• Has stated that they are DTF and just looking for casual sex (no, thanks)

• Works the checkout at Kmart or Coles (sorry, dude; I want someone with a career and drive)

• Is overweight or skinny/lanky (I’m a fitness freak; I want someone who likes to keep fit and healthy)

• Is shorter than me (I’m attracted to height, I can’t help it)

• Is covered in tattoos, especially the neck (I like tattoos, but there comes a point where it’s too much)

• Has facial piercings (not into it)

• Has a big beard or a mullet (I like a guy who is well maintained; a little stubble is OK)

• Has kids and doesn’t want more (I want kids)

• Couples wanting a third person (this is a pretty obvious swipe)

• Has pictures smoking or doing drugs (that’s just ew)

• Only has group photos (I can’t tell which one you are)

• Only has one photo (I don’t trust that it’s you; I know what a catfish is)

• Only has photos of their body and blocks out their face (obviously just looking for sex)

• Has no photos of themselves (if I wanted to look at pictures of food, I would be swiping on Uber Eats instead)

• Can tell they’re a wanker from their one-liner (‘Looking for a crazy, horny, high-maintenance hoe to make a wife’ or ‘Hit me up, and let’s do some fun shit’)

• Admits they’re a bad replier (I’m not going to voluntarily waste my time)

Right:

• Basically tall, dark, and handsome – it’s my physical type, straight up (Have you seen the movie 365 Days? Hello, Massimo. If you haven’t, Google it right now.)

• Taller than six feet (I don’t want to hurt my neck each time I kiss the guy because he‘s 5’4)

• Has a nice smile

• Physically fit

• Has a career and works to support himself

• Photos of him doing adventurous and fun things (e.g. SUP boarding, surfing, boating, white-water rafting, ziplining, etc. – adrenaline burst; that’s my thing)

• Plays/likes footy (me too – the likes footy part, not the playing part)

• Australian/Kiwi (I vibe with these kinds of people the most; there’s just something about the Kiwi accent)

• Has pets (dogs or cats – I don’t mind)

• Has family photos (I definitely like someone who is close with their family)

• Has photos with kids (preferably not their own; it’s nice to know they like kids from the get-go)

• Is clear about their intentions from their bio (saves me wasting my time)

Am I being shallow? Well, of course. Aren’t we all on these apps?

Kathryn has been saying for years that these dating apps are ridiculous and is always trying to warn me away from them. Obviously, I prefer not to be on them either, but my options are limited. Ironically enough, she downloaded one app, and within the space of a week, she matched with Cole, and they’re now engaged. It’s shit like that that makes me ask what I’m doing wrong.

You know the chain emails that were sent around via email back in the mid-2000s and said that if you didn’t forward the email, you would have seven years of bad luck? That’s where I think I went wrong. For every email, the years just added up, and here I am – eight years of being single and having some of the worst dating experiences ever!

Here’s a week (just one) in the unlucky dating life of Brianna:

Saturday: I reinstalled Bumble because I’d reached that point where I needed some boy action in my life. There was a message from a previous match, Brad.

He messaged me two weeks ago.

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Here’s the backstory to this one (not that it’s long). We matched, and I messaged almost immediately.

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No reply. So I uninstalled the app (along with other reasons, mainly boredom), but now I was back on it, and he’d messaged me, so it was worth a reply.

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Now I waited for his reply.

Sunday: I was on Instagram, and I saw a post from ‘Bloomer’. It was a picture of a mixed group of girls and guys at what looked like a music festival. Who is that? I was thinking. I tended to know all the people I was following, but I couldn’t pinpoint this person. I clicked on their profile, and I learnt a little more about this person. Tim Bloomer. How do I know you, Tim Bloomer? It was a mutual follow; he was following me back. When I scrolled through his feed, I realised he was not a bad-looking fella. The only thing I could think of was that I had come across him on one of the dating apps, and he had his Instagram details in his bio, so I gave him a follow. I didn’t think I was that far gone, but I honestly couldn’t remember following this guy.

‘Should I message him?’ I asked my friend whom I was driving with at the time. I don’t know why I bothered asking the question; I was going to do it anyway. I didn’t need his encouragement.

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Since he was following me too, he definitely would have received a notification of my message. So I carried on with my day until he replied. Not only did it not come that day, but also, it didn’t come at all. Bust.

Monday: I was swiping on Bumble. My account had been inactive for a while, so I was not getting many matches; in fact, I didn’t get any at all.

Later in the day, I got an email from the hens party I had hosted on the weekend. You see, when I had arrived at the party, I noticed a familiar face: the topless waiter serving the party drinks and taking photos; I had worked with him at another party before. We didn’t speak to each other at the last party, just smiled and most definitely noticed each other. It must be a coincidence that we’re bumping into each other at another party. (Really, it was just the fact that Perth is a small place, but of course, I wanted it to mean something).

It triggered an idea in my mind. Our dance parties were popular in Perth, and topless waiters at hens parties were in hot demand too. Why not put the two together? His job finished as mine began, and when he walked out, he nodded and smiled at me, so I waved back at him. He must recognise me. I was sure not many girls showed up to hens parties wearing what I was wearing – high heels, short high-waisted black booty shorts, a red camo wrapped around my waist, a crop top, and bright red lipstick. If I had any balls, I would have said something to him on the way out, but I didn’t work up the courage quickly enough. At the end of the party, I asked the party host if she had the topless waiter’s contact details. I spun her my pitch of a potential collaboration for future parties. She said he was so lovely and she’d send me his details, and she pulled through on her promise.

‘And as for the topless waiter, Paul, here is his number. He said he is happy for you to contact him.’

So I did just that.

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After I sent the text, I had no idea what kind of response I would get. Would he be keen on the idea? Would he think I’m a stalker? I kind of felt like one, and honestly, were my only intentions business related? The guy was gorgeous.

I woke up the next morning to a reply.

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So he was keen on the idea! Business wise, it was looking good. I wasn’t really sure of my position with the business the following year. The founder was selling the business, and at this point in time, I was waiting for a business proposal to suss it out; whether I could manage to buy it or not, it would be sold elsewhere, and I would be a part of the package. Still, I wanted to get all my facts together about how this potential opportunity could work.

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So it led into catching up in person and actually speaking face to face. I wasn’t feeling so stalker-ish now.

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It seemed we had the hustler life in common. I didn’t meet many people who lived a similar lifestyle to what I did, and those who didn’t, didn’t understand. The conversation had become semi-casual, so I went along with it.

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It was a tea house. It did look cute, but the reason I had never been there before was because I didn’t drink tea, but I wasn’t going to tell the guy that. It’s not very often that a guy will suggest where to go. Then again, this wasn’t a date; it was a business meeting, and I needed to remember that.

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Obviously, I’d struck a chord with him, and he was interested to know a little more about me.

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Here is my no filter . . .

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I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about our meeting in two days’ time. It seemed we had a fair bit in common, and I really wanted to look impressive by looking like a boss bitch. I imagined how the meeting would go in many different ways leading up to the meeting.

Thursday: It’s the day of our date, and since the previous day had been such a disaster in regard to my house build, I decided to take a personal day. After I coached in the morning and went to F45, all before 8:00 a.m., I jumped back in bed for a two-hour nap before meeting Paul. He messaged me fifteen minutes before it was time to meet.

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I ended up being five minutes late because I quickly called into my mum’s house on the way to fix up my lipstick. I wasn’t happy with how it was when I was driving there; being a few minutes late wouldn’t hurt anyone.

When I arrived, I was greeted with a hug, and the greeting made the waiter say, ‘I’ll give you two a minute’, clearly thinking it was a date.

It kind of did feel like one. I was meeting a very good-looking guy in a cute café, put in effort in my appearance, and from our texts, we got along. So I was curious as to how the conversation would go. Would he get straight to business? He didn’t. He first wanted to attend to his curiosity of what my six jobs were.

For an hour and a half, I found out that he was a very clever cookie. I couldn’t even tell you what his job was, but it had something to do with mathematical equations. I could see his mind ticking when he was talking about it. He also tutored maths for children. He hustled because he was doing the FIRE program, aiming to be retired at 40 (which, it turns out, was only seven years away for him). He lived five minutes from me and thirty seconds from my parents and the house I had grown up in. He built his house two years prior, which was a four year journey and that made me feel better about the current bullshit I was experiencing with building my house.

We talked about finances and fitness, our families, growing up – a lot that didn’t involve business. We briefly touched on the business side of things ten minutes before we had to leave (as he had a 1:00 p.m. meeting), but it was definitely not to the extent that I was planning on going to. I explained that I was thinking of buying the business if the numbers were what I had in my mind, and he said it was something he could help with. After all, he was good with numbers.

As we walked out to the car – funnily enough, we’d parked next to each other – he asked if I had a party on the weekend, which I told him about. I also rubbed it in his face that I was going to the beach for the afternoon whilst he was going back to work for an afternoon of meetings. We hugged again when we said goodbye, and we went our separate ways.

Of course, the first place I was going to was mum’s house to give her the low-down. I’ll quote you some of the things I said to her:

‘It wasn’t a date, but it was better than most of the first dates I’ve gone on.’

‘He’s super smart.’

‘We’ve got so much in common.’

‘How do I approach it and suggest catching up again but not in a business way?’

She helped me draft the message, but I was under strict orders not to send it for a couple of hours so I didn’t sound desperate.

So I waited until after 3:00 p.m. to send the message.

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I really had no clue which way his reply was going to go. Waiting for the reply was the worst part. Every time my phone dinged, I had to check it straight away in case it was his reply, dreading. Once it hit 6:00 p.m. and I didn’t have a reply, it was pretty obvious that the answer was no, and regret started to set it. Oh, and did I mention that on this day, I had been single for eight years? Not even going out for cocktails at my favourite Mexican restaurant could make the day any better, and now I had to deal with this rejection on top of that. I was going to sleep at 10:00 p.m., still with no reply. It was fair enough, being rejected, but to not get a reply at all was really upsetting. I thought I was owed a little more respect than that.

Friday: I woke up to the reply that I knew deep down in my stomach was coming. It had been sent at eleven o’clock the night before.

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I kept my reply short and sweet.

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And that was the end to our interaction.

Would I be able to put my ego aside and approach him if I did want to go ahead with the business deal in the new year? No way. I’d be finding a new topless waiter.

I was on Bumble, and I noticed I hadn’t received a reply from Brad. Clearly, our thing was missing each other, but this guy seemed decent, so I followed him on Instagram. No, I didn’t stalk; he too put his Instagram name on his profile, so technically, that was an invite right? He followed me back not long after, so I wrote a friendly message and sent it.

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The day ticked on, and I could see he was active on Instagram but not reading my message. I couldn’t believe it – another rejection this week?

Saturday: I was swiping, and I matched with Joey.

His profile read ‘If she works, goes to the gym and sleeps, she needs a ring.’

HOLLA. This girl worked (a lot), went to the gym (a lot), slept (enough), and needed a ring. He presented me the perfect one-liner.

I knew my message was a good conversation starter when I sent it – ‘This girl works, gyms and sleeps. Better get that ring ready emoji-2762568_1280.png ’ – but even that wasn’t good enough to warrant a reply, and the match expired twenty-four hours later.

Brad did end up replying five days later, and lo and behold – another one.

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You’re right, Brad. It’s not ideal timing. It never seems to be for me. He didn’t get a reply, and he was unfollowed instantly.

I’d love to say that’s a record-breaking total of rejections in one week, but I’m positive there have been many weeks with more.

CHAPTER

TWO

‘Ghost Town’ — Adam Lambert

What’s just as bad as rejection is ghosting. If you don’t know what ‘ghosting’ is, I’ll give it to you, the Wikipedia explanation: ‘ghosting is a colloquial term used to describe the practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend, or similar individual without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communication made by said partner, friend, or individual’.

When you think you have a connection and the conversation is going well, then suddenly they drop off the face of the earth, you start to doubt yourself and wonder what you did/said wrong. When you get ghosted, it’s the wondering that haunts you the most. Now let me tell you I’ve had my fair share of ghosting. I’ve been ghosted so many times, it doesn’t upset me anymore because I’m that used to it. Here are a select few.

The Ghost Dating Diaries

Name: Ashley

Age: 26

Bio: ‘Dare you to message first. Replies fast’

Application: Bumble

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He replied within a minute with an emoji.

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GHOSTED

He may reply fast, but he ghosts just as fast too.

***

Name: Mark

Age: 28

Bio: ‘Exercise Physiologist/PT’

Application: Bumble

Perfect – something in common. I started the conversation with an ice breaker that relates to his bio.

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Off to a flying start. The conversation started flowing, filled with banter and lots of laughs. We talked for days about our jobs, footy, the Super Bowl, how our days were, what was for dinner, pets, and our favourite seasons and then talked about hanging out one time. That was when I didn’t get a reply. It was annoying to waste all that time talking and then have no interest in meeting in person.

I left it for a couple of weeks and sent a message asking how his weekend was – no reply, but I saw him being very active on Instagram (where we started following each other’s businesses). So I decided to message him on there. I at least wanted to know what had warranted the ghosting as I thought the conversation was going really well. It was one of the better ones I’d had recently.

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No stress, but it was annoying. Let’s be honest. I just wasted my time.

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God, I’m a nice person, wishing the guy who just ghosted me good luck with the next chick.

Seven months later, he found his new person, and I realised it was time to unfollow him on Instagram.

***

Name: Ben

Age: 29

Bio: ‘Mechanical Technician at Mining’

Application: Bumble

Bumble has a feature where you can choose a prepopulated question to start the conversation instead of thinking of your own. Recently, I’d been using it a lot because it was better than the ‘Hey, how are you?’ starter. I chose the question ‘What’s the best part about being single?’

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Four days later . . .

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GHOSTED

Maybe I seemed too busy to warrant a reply.

***

Name: Jess

Age: 26

Bio: ‘UWA’

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GHOSTED

That came and went pretty quickly (just like most guys – ha!).

***

Name: Chase

Age: 27

Bio: ‘We’ll get along if . . . You love to travel/go on adventures’

Application: Bumble

Well, that’s a perfect conversation starter as I love to travel too.

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This was a good start. I could tell travel stories for weeks. I didn’t see this conversation dying off anytime soon.

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Aww, I loved that.

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We were really connecting over travel, and it was nice to have a conversation that wasn’t five to six words back and forth. Our conversation had context to it.

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GHOSTED

His reply never came. Maybe he travelled to outer space and didn’t return to Earth.

***

Name: Johnny

Age: 24

Bio: ‘Physio looking for: blonde, brown eyes, loves the beach, wet nose, 4 paws’

Application: Tinder

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If you’re questioning what we mean by this quarantine talk, you’ve probably already guessed COVID-19 and you’d be right. If you’re reading this 40 years after it’s been published, look in the history books.

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GHOSTED

Was he not a fan of Disney?

***

Name: Stewart

Age: 29

Bio: ‘Scientist by day, dancer by night’

Application: Tinder

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GHOSTED

Obviously not one good enough to share.

***

Name: Howard

Age: 28

Bio: ‘Good vibes only’

Application: Tinder

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GHOSTED

I’m sure he couldn’t have been sober when he sent that.

***

Name: Dean

Age: 29

*SUPERLIKE*

If you’re not familiar with Tinder, there’s this thing called ‘Superlike’, when you really like somebody. You only get to superlike one person every twenty-four hours, and I had spent my superlike on Dean that day.

Bio: ‘Ice hockey player’

Application: Tinder

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No reply in two days.

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OK, so I had done some stalking. Truth was I knew who he was. He dated a friend of a friend. But Perth was so small I wasn’t going to rule him out because of that.

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White lie.

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Good banter and talk about a potential date – this seemed to be going well.

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That was intended as a hint. Talking about a potential date, asking what was on for the weekend – put two and two together.

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GHOSTED

Guess I won’t be going ice skating after all.

***

Name: Mike

Age: 27

Bio: [blank]

Application: Tinder

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GHOSTED

Must have been so good that he didn’t have the time to reply.

***

Name: Michael

Age: 25

Bio: ‘Kickboxer’

Application: Tinder

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GHOSTED

He did not hit me up.

***

Name: David

Age: 26

Bio: ‘I don’t have nightmares, I create them’

Application: Bumble

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GHOSTED

Obviously, he had none.

***

Name: Kirk

Age: 28

Bio: ‘Dog lover’

Application: Tinder

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He was talking about the footy. The guy must have actually read my profile before messaging me! That was a rare occurrence.

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GHOSTED

The only thing that happened suddenly was the end of this conversation.

***

Name: Will

Age: 28

Bio: ‘Kiwi and very fit’

Application: Tinder

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GHOSTED

He may have been able to show me up, but what he did do was shut me down.

***

Name: Dan

Age: 29

Bio: ‘PE Teacher – Yes I’m tall . . . I’m 6 foot 6’

Application: Tinder

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I hoped he didn’t live in Mandurah; that would be pretty far to travel to see each other.

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I was happy with how the conversation was going. It seemed we had fitness and keeping active in common!

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I didn’t admit that the last time I went there, I broke my toe on the waterslide.

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We were getting along so well. I liked the sound of a board game night.

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The next morning, he did as he said and sent a snap of his breakfast, and it looked delicious.

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GHOSTED

We’d only been talking for two days, but it was a substantial conversation, and I was surprised when I didn’t get a reply. For how much we had talked in that short amount of time, this time, I was upset that I’d been ghosted.

I’d be lying if I said I’d never ghosted anyone. There were two times where I feel I was justified.

Name: Alec

Age: 27

Bio: ‘Two truths and a lie – 1) I’ve bungee jumped naked. 2) I’ve been to 32 countries. 3) Gordon Ramsay has called my Carbonara f*cking awful’

Application: Bumble

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Yes, it’s what you’re thinking – a naked baby photo.

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I’m ghosting. I’m leaving this conversation. Why is it about his penis?

***

Name: Brett

Age: 28

Application: Tinder

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I’m justified in ghosting this one, right?

CHAPTER

THREE

‘Thank U, Next’ — Ariana Grande

Have you seen the movie Good Luck Chuck? If not, it’s a movie about this guy called Chuck (played by Dane Cook) who has a reputation of being good luck charm for women. If a woman is with Chuck, the next man she will meet will be the one. In life, I’m Chuck. It’s started to get ridiculous, the number of guys who see me and then move on to the next girl, only to marry and have babies with them. It definitely makes you question yourself and wonder