"Where Am I?": 40 Day Devotional for Trauma Survivors

By Allison Caruana

Walk with the author through the land of Israel. Pause a moment with her and ponder the spiritual truths that she found. Sit back and think about what you need to do in order to heal from your past/present traumas. Let the Lord reveal and heal what is needed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Dec 14, 2020
• ISBN: 9781664209770

Allison Caruana

Those that have experienced trauma will be able to relate to her and where they may be today in their walk with the Lord. She has experienced sexual, physical and emotional abuse, family drug abuse, chronic disease, loss of a child and spouse, and even near-death. Come for a walk with her.

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 Allison Caruana.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical,

including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written

permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy

of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

1 [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed

since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do

not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and

such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica,

Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and "New

International Version" are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.®

ISBN: 978-1-6642-0976-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-0977-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020920752

WestBow Press rev. date: 12/10/2020

13449.png

Contents

15215.png

Preface

Chapter 1     Do Tel!

Chapter 2     Did God Desert Me?

Chapter 3     Sink or Swim

Chapter 4     Valley of Darkness

Chapter 5     Behind the Walls

Preface

8266.png

Thank you for embarking upon this journey with me through the Holy Land. This devotional is designed to help those who have suffered significant loss, painful relationships, dysfunctional families and other tough situations associated with their past or present realities. I would pray that this journey will turn your thoughts to the Lord and help you to walk through and deeply evaluate your spiritual and emotional tels, deserts, seas and mountains. Maybe you’ll even be able to better understand some of the walls you’ve constructed over the years and be able to grab hold of a new found or refreshed faith in the Lord. As you work your way through the next forty days, you will find that I repeatedly ask the same questions. This is done for multiple reasons- there might be different things you are working through on different days, or you might have a different perspective on the same issue later on in the devotional than you did at the start of it. Take your time to work through the things that are revealed to you.

I want you to have a better understanding of who I am, so I’ll give you a brief synopsis of my life. My journey for the last 40+ years hasn’t been the easiest. In fact, I don’t know how I’m still standing…well, that’s not entirely true- I’m here because God wants me here. By all intent and purposes, I have suffered from so much, that it’s a miracle I walk this earth today. I have suffered from years of sexual abuse, emotional trauma, dysfunctional family relations, chronic disease that is still not properly recognized by the medical community, the loss of a pregnancy, a wayward child, a near-death experience, the loss of a business, significant loss of finances, the death of friends and family… and the worst thing that ever to happen to me, the recent loss of my soulmate, Michael, my husband for X years and the father of our 5 beautiful children. Yes, that by far is the worst thing to have happened in my life. However, once again, I am here because God so deemed it. I am here because God has a mission for my life that has not come to fruition yet. I am His child, and even though I’m not a happy child right now, I am still trying my best to obey him. Believe me when I tell you that I’m in no way perfect, which you will see as you read through the sites each day. In fact, I’m probably even my own worst enemy and critic. I am but a human vessel for the soul that belongs to God. I am His and so are you!

Before I go any further, there are those that I would like to thank for seeing me through this season in my life. To the ones who have had my back and helped me get to where I am today, but boy do I still have a long way to go! First and foremost, I must thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ for the many gifts he has given me, including the ability to write this book. To my kids, I would not be here today if it weren’t for you. Your love for me and for each other continues to guide me through my days. You guys are amazing children and I thank all of you for supporting the work I’ve done in creating this devotional. To Christine Hammond, you truly are the greatest counselor and friend one could have. Thank you for always being there to guide and support me, and for always being real. To Sue Rugala, Sue Passaro, Helen Raser, Lynn Zawada, Chrissy and Ben Weaver, and all my church and Lyme friends, especially The Mayday Project team, all of you who have never left my side, I thank you for being there for me and my kids over the years. Truly, I thank God for each and every one of you.

Let me pray for each and every one of you before you embark on this forty-day journey through your spiritual landscape.

Heavenly Father, we come before You now with an open heart and mind, to the things that You would have us glean from this private time with You. Father, help us to be real with ourselves, so that we can begin the process of healing our spiritual landscape. Help us to walk through the tels, deserts, seas, valleys and mountains of pain and confusion. Help us to see You there in the midst of all of the chaos. Help each and every person that works through this devotional to use their pain for good. Help them to recognize patterns and personalities that hinder their walk with You. Use this time to grow them and help them to see the path that You have cleared for them. With all the glory being lifted up to You and You alone, today and forever. Amen

Now, let’s start our journey through the Holy Land.

CHAPTER 1

Do Tel!

13458.png

The trip of a lifetime turned out to be exactly that for me, but in not the way that you think. As our church group landed in Israel, it became abundantly clear that God had major plans for me, and this wasn’t going to be solely a feel-good trip because God had other plans. No pun intended. For months, I had been told that I was walking in the shoes of Jonah, and where did we land? Tel Aviv, or what was once known as Joppa. Here I stand, angry with God and the direction He had chosen to take my life, yet submissive and humbled because I know that He is sovereign. Talk about confusion! It’s the story of my life, literally!

This journey will open you up to the beauty of Israel and the God that is still very much alive in the land. It’s all about excavation of the current landscape into order to see what lies underneath the surface. Some of the sites are absolutely beautiful and spoke of God’s provision. Other sites speak loudly of man’s defiance and God’s dealings with them. What excavating do you need to do to unearth the very foundations of your spiritual walk? If you were to spend time digging and dusting off the relics of your spiritual history, what would it look like? Better yet, what lessons would you learn from them in order to grow in your faith? Do you want to build a tel that speaks of God’s provisions or man’s defiance? It’s up to you.

Off to our first stop and archeological dig into the Israel landscape and my life story.

It was time to climb Tel Gezer. For those that don’t know what a tel is, its civilizations built on top of one another, that form a hill or mount. Gezer was originally a Canaanite civilization that sacrificed their firstborn children and offered their sacrifices as burnt offering on the altar called Bamah or High Place. (Ezekiel 20:21-29), which still stands today. The Canaanites were attacked and captured by a Pharaoh, King of Egypt and given to King Solomon as a wedding gift to his daughter. (1 Kings 9: 15-19). The land of Gezer overlooks the Fertile Crescent, and the one who controlled Gezer would control a large segment of the Via Maris (major trade route of biblical times). My mind wandered off. Where was I? Yes, I was physically present, seeing the glory and splendor of God’s provision and His correction of the civilizations throughout time. Why would I think I was any different standing in that place? In such a small region of land lies 26 civilizations that fell to another, conquered, corrected, capitalized, corrupted, conquered and corrected once again.

Walking up the tel took time and energy. It required harnessing fears and doubts. Getting to the top wasn’t as bad as I initially thought it would be. Oh, the life application in that! I conquered my fear of the uncertain terrain. I corrected my view of what I thought I could not overcome, mainly my fear of the unknown, which turned out to be a splendorous view of the Fertile Crescent that pictures can’t do justice.

With each site from this point on, I would try to put aside fear of the unknown so that I could enjoy the view and lesson to be learned. Now, if only applying this to life was as easy as that!

For me, the question was, Would I capitalize on that moment on top of the tel? Yes or No? Personally, I couldn’t help but feel the presence of God as I walked up the tels of Israel. On the way down from this particular tel, there were several standing stones and an altar. The Bamah, as they call it, caught my attention. I knew right then and there that this was going to be an interesting trip for me. Oh yes, God was speaking loud and clear to me. What was I willing to lay down on the altar? What did I need to sacrifice and to whom? I was presented with the reality that each of