Because of My Guardian Angels

By Francesca Alicea

First Seven is about the little girl growing up in the mountains of Patillas, Puerto
Rico. There I was surrounded by the love of her grandparents and many aunts and
uncles. Her grandparents instilled in me the conviction to never compromise her credence or integrity.

Despair is the period she spent with her birth mother and the new family, from the age of
seven to nineteen. In this segment you’ll see how the little who loved to tell stories,
sing and dance slowly lost her desire to do so.

Lost is the period spent with my “High School Sweetheart/Husband/Father of her two
children”. It’s about how someone who has no idea of what a real husband or father
should be would ultimately make a drastic mistake and continue a path they vowed to
never take.

Blessings is the period where the little girl now a woman reclaims her life and rebuilds
her self -esteem which had slowly dwindled to none during the Despair and Lost periods
of my life.
This segment focuses on all the amazing people that are or have been in my life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Sep 2, 2020
• ISBN: 9781664120242

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 by Francesca Alicea.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 12/03/2020

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Contents

Proper Healing

Introduction

Build a Child

My First Seven

Forever Grateful

Aunts and Uncles

Horses

School

My Biological Mother

Jim Crow Laws

The Childhood I Left Behind

My Biological Father

The Tomboy

Life on the Mainland

Racism

Handling Adversities

Migrant Worker

Sunrise to Sunset

Ugly Stupid

Severely Punished

The Monster at Work

My Brother

My Half Sisters and Half Brother

Ruth and Tony

I Felt Robbed

Lost and Blind

My Children’s Father

History

Reached My Limits

In Memory of My Children’s Father

Things Left Unsaid

In a Cast

The Courtroom

Regrets

Answers in Disguise

A Special Dedication to All My Blessings

My Daughter

My Son

Kai

Our Piano

Ari

My Geography Teacher

Paul M.

Bacis and Honeybells

My Sixty-Fourth Birthday

Hurricane Maria

Paul’s Soul Transitioned

Miracle in Paris

Grace, My Surrogate Mother

Daniela and Leonel

Not My Time

Derek

Elly

Omar

Paul A.

My Sideline Crew and Support

Captain Charlie

Guns and Smiles

Amber

Nelva

Maria Brunner Ventura

Yvette

My First Ultra

My First Ultra Runner Race Day

After My First Ultra

My Heart

My Strength and Power

Hurdles and Healing

Reconnecting after Fifty Years

Team NutriBullet

Fundamentals of Proper Training

Keira

Donna

Rebecca and Min

Puerto Rico Half Marathon

My First Trail Race

After Eighteen Years of No Vacation

Pacers for Run to Remember

Guest Speaker for Yoli

Avalon 50 Miles

Toastmasters

Many Battles

Reflections

I n 2011, I did not qualify for Boston due to an injury which occurred during the marathon. I needed to finish in the qualifying time. I was on target to finish with a negative split, but around mile 16, my lower back was in pain. At this point the race was all downhill, and so was health and pace. I struggled and barely finished, but I did not make the time required to qualify.

At the finish line I cried; I was depressed, angry, and bitter. I could not understand why this happened to me after eight months of dedicated training.

April 15, 2013, was my daughter’s thirtieth birthday. Had I qualified, my plan was to run Boston, and the family was going to be there to celebrate her birthday.

I remember sending my daughter a birthday text at 6:56 a.m. that day, which ended with Wish I could have run Boston in your honor today. Her response was, Glad you did not. Did you see the news?

I want to say that I’m very thankful I did not qualify. When I saw the time the bombs went off, chills went up my spine. Chantelle, Christopher, and my soon-to-arrive grand would have been at the finish line waiting for me.

As a child, I remember feeling alone, always fending for myself after being displaced from my family in Puerto Rico. I also remember my instincts at avoiding many dangerous and near-death situations while growing living in very dangerous neighborhoods with uncaring guardians.

Now I see not qualifying as a blessing in disguise. I’m not sure what may have happened, if anything, to my family had I qualified and ran Boston that year.

I’m not sure which angel had been by my side, but I suspect that my grandparents have always been watching over me. They have been with me all along! I was and will never be alone.

Proper Healing

P roper healing is not possible unless all the memories, no matter how painful they may be, are brought to light.

As part of the healing process, all the old photos of me were restored. The old photos as well as the little girl were somehow damaged withered or torn by time or circumstances.

Each photo represents a very significant stage of my life, for I know that facing and recognizing the negative as well as the positive effects of each stage will bring me closer to a peaceful existence.

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With my grandparents

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Before Leaving My Grandparents Side

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The Little Girl…Broken

image004.jpg

Senior High School…Hoping For A Bright Future

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Lost and Blind

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Restoring The Broken Little Girl

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Blessings Received!

In times of sadness, I feel a calm invoking the presence of my inner child. I flash back to my childhood and imagine I’m inside the home I spent my precious first seven. I go to a window and look out. I can see all the surroundings and feel the joys, dreams, and aspirations I had then as if it were happening here and now This inspires hope, for I feel that joy as being in my present moment. I know my inner child is and will always be with me to help me through my darkest moments.

For years, I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression. Trauma can and will cause these feelings to surface without any warning, explanation, or reason.

There are triggers that may cause an outbreak, and the mind wanders with many questions. The Why me? shortly becomes so intense that a deep depression follows before I can catch it and realize that the pain was in the past and no longer controls me.

I tend to notice that my birthday prompts an anxiety and depression which is beyond my control. No matter how hard I try, I end up losing the battle and give into it.

Perhaps it is because I spent many years in a very hurtful environment where I often wondered about my existence and would often ask myself, Why was I even born? I’m only suffering.

I can honestly say that I lost count of how many times I’ve asked myself that. I’ve also asked myself, How can someone be so heartless and treat a child so cruelly?

And of course, there is also the big question of How can our Creator just watch the cold-heartedness and not do anything about it?

So on my birthday month, I try very hard to distract myself. And these thoughts don’t creep in so easily. It has worked in the past. But I often wonder if this is the best way to deal with the sorrow.

I have to wonder if masking these feelings is the best solution. But then again, I’m just weary of the same old feelings of helplessness.

So around my birthday I make sure to do what makes me happy, for when I travel, run, dance, sing, or write, I’m happy. That is when the good memories surface to celebrate and accompany the new memories being created.

Even as adults, we still preserve that part of our personality we had when we were children. The positive healthy aspect of our inner child expresses our innocence, joy, exuberance, and hope. This egoless state is always there within us.

Introduction

I was raised by grandparents on my mother’s side until I turned seven. That’s when my biological mother, who had abandoned me to start a new life, decided she wanted me back in her life.

I loved my grandparents and wanted to stay with them. They were the only parents I knew. I did not know my birth mother or father.

For years, I tried to understand why, never realizing that my grandparents had to choose. They were forced to let me live with my birth mother since they did not have legal custody of me.

That happy childhood ended the day I was forced and put on a plane and taken to live with my birth mother and her new family. That’s when I met my mother, my mother’s husband and my siblings / half siblings. I’d soon learn why I was brought to live with them.

They were total strangers to me. I resented being there and felt abandoned and betrayed by my grandparents. These feelings would eventually grow stronger every day until I completely shut down and blocked all my dreams, desires, and emotions.

While children my age were playing or learning how to ride a bike or swim, I was cleaning, changing diapers, babysitting, and working in the fields. This became my new life—a life I dreaded and