Breeze, Storm, Hurricane

By Shilah des Anges

A riveting coming of age story of those whose stories are not often told. Lives full of love, disappointments, obstacles, blessings and discoveries. A cautionary tale of street life with the nuance of family love, support and courage. Not all children on the streets are compelled to be there. Some choose the excitement of the street life to escape the loneliness, sadness and boredom that numbs the souls of children that come from “good families”. Growing up Black in America often times, instills a powerlessness in youth. Gabriella, Chance, Lorenzo and Kharisma discover how to reclaim their power in different ways. A journey of healing, love, pain, growth and change that leads to self-empowerment and love. Every soul chooses its own path and along the journey God speaks in us and through us as a Breeze, Storm or Hurricane.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jul 26, 2019
• ISBN: 9781982229573

Shilah des Anges

Shilah des Anges is the creator of Love Your Journey Counseling & Well-Being, LLC. She is a Licensed Master Social Worker, Spiritual Life Coach, Kemetic Reiki Practitioner, Advocate and Speaker. She is a graduate of Inner Visions Institute for Spiritual Development. She is passionate about inspiring and empowering others; especially adolescents and young adults on their journey to self-love. Life is a journey; love it or change it!

Book preview

1

THE GREATEST GIFT I can give myself is self-love. The journal Gabriella created seemed to have a spirit of its own. Her words flowed, Courage is the space between knowing and doing. My relationship with God gave me the strength however; it took Hurricane Katrina to give me the courage. Gabriella struggled to figure out in her mind who’s voice she heard, was it her ego or God? Years of undoing childhood patterns and pains; while healing and transforming into love, empowerment, surrendering and trusting. Gabriella prayed and meditated as she wrote in her journal. Even she was astonished by the life she had endured thus far in her mere twenty-seven years. Things seen, unforeseen, chosen and thrust into her life. Gabriella’s soul scribed the words; Be still and know that I AM God.

Gabriella had always known that there are some things that only God could reveal. And if you believed in the life hereafter only then, maybe, would those secrets be revealed. Gabriella’s grandmother Mima, was the spirit of God in their family, her knowing came from her faith and intuition. Mima would take Gabriella to church with her every Sunday because this child had a thirst for knowing with a willful and free soul. Mima would often say to a precocious little Gabriella, Butterfly, you will have to ask God when you get to heaven. Some of Gabriella’s questions would be answered by people, school, books, life experiences and spirits. Yet, there were questions that always left her bewildered. Life, death and the timing of them both? Love; so simple and beautiful yet complicated and painful. Gabriella thanked God often for the life she lived, endured, chose or was destined because that was what she was taught to do. Gabriella’s hand as though divinely guided wrote, Why do I sit here pondering the mysteries of the universe when I have a hard-enough time comprehending and learning the lessons of my own little life. I need to make really sure that I have found the love in me and for me.

As Gabriella daydreamed, her mind wandered over the journey of her young life; the blessings and complexities of the life she was born into. The journey of her mother, grandmother, great-grandmothers of her ancestors and her future generations. It had been ten years since Gabriella’s mother, Sabrina passed away and she still wondered what kind of grandmother her mother would have been. Her mind traveled back to her childhood a place she visited often to be comforted by her memories. Being a sickly child, Sabrina would lay with Gabriella and give her all the comfort she needed. All the comfort a little girl needed, but not enough for a woman, as Mima would say. The comfort a woman needs, should have been given by her father so she wouldn’t have sought it so recklessly in a man. Gabriella often wondered what her mother was thinking as she raised her alone. What was going through her mother’s mind when she made her life choices. Gabriella thought of her mother and the times they talked, laughed and played. They didn’t cry much since her mother wouldn’t allow it; unless it was absolutely uncontrollable. This confused Gabriella because she often heard her mother crying at night when she didn’t know her daughter was still awake. It would take years to know the cause of those tears.

As Gabriella closed her eyes to make the memories more vivid she could still hear her mother telling her, You are my sunshine, the source of my strength. God whispered your name to me Gabriella; it means God is my strength. Mommy always wants you to be a woman who gets her strength from God. It would take Gabriella many years to understand why she and her mother would need that constant reminder about strength in their lives. Gabriella blamed her mother at times. She felt her mother did not foresee how things would impact her life, the story of her. Her middle name Olivia, a name her mother said reminded her of an angel. Gabriella sometimes felt that through no fault of her own, she had to struggle with being strong like her name was an omen, yet she constantly waited for her angel. Tears flowed down her face as she wished she could’ve asked her mother the answers to life and the depths of her soul’s longing. Why was there a story behind her last name too? Born Gabriella Olivia Long, then at age five, her father wanted her mother to change her last name to Chandler. Gabriella clearly remembered them having arguments about her last name and eventually she figured that her father won the fight because when she entered the first grade her new name was Gabriella Long-Chandler. Her mother must not have wanted to relinquish all of her control because she hyphenated it. Gabriella’s double last name shamed her; why did they have to use her to publicize their failure to be married. Sabrina Long and Shane Chandler let the complexities of their relationship confound the life of their only child. They could never figure out their relationship, much less explain it or love to Gabriella.

Gabriella puts the pen down and begins to think about her fun childhood memories. She knew that despite the pain of her mother’s aloofness and her father’s absence, there were many happy times. Growing up with her cousins was always happy especially when they all moved from Harlem to Brooklyn into her grandmother’s new brownstone. Mima lived on the first floor, Aunt Julia and her children; Lance, Lorenzo, Vanessa and Juliette lived on the second floor. Sabrina and Gabriella lived on the third. Gabriella loved her childhood and recollects often, Mima, can we go out and play? Her grandmother replied sternly, No, Gabriella wait until your mother comes home from work. Mima by the time my mommy comes home from work it will be too dark to play and you’re not going to let us play in the dark? No, Gabriella. I don’t want you girls playing outside by yourselves. Why can’t you play with dolls inside like Vanessa and Juliette?’’ Because that’s boring! Plus, I’m nine I don’t like dolls anymore, I like outside better. Mima shouted, Oh mi Dios, child leave me be! Well, Mima if you let me go out outside then you can be. What if Lorenzo and Lance watch me? Lance yelled, I’m not watching you Gabriella, you don’t listen to me. I’ll watch her Mima, I want to play outside too, Lorenzo says. Mima shouted out, Lorenzo you are older than Gabriella, so don’t let her run you. Gabriella if you do not listen, you’re coming back inside this house for the rest of the summer. Do you understand child? Yes, Mima, Gabriella shouted as she ran out the door before her grandmother could change her mind. Lorenzo asks, What do you want to play Gabriella? I don’t know I wish we could go across the street to the playground, she says. No Gabri! Mima will get mad and we’ll get in trouble. She won’t know she can’t see us. No Gabri! See, you don’t listen and you’ll have to stay inside all summer. They sat on the steps and watched the other kids play. Gabriella couldn’t accept no and yelled into the house, Mima, can we go across to the park? Mima yells back, Gabriella stop it! Be still! First, you bother me to go outside and now that’s not enough for you child. You’re never satisfied. And that is not a park it’s the projects. I didn’t buy a house to have you’ll play in the projects. Gabriella in her usual sassy tone replies, Then you should have bought a house with a playground. Mima slapped her in the mouth and yelled, Gabriella Long-Chandler watch that fresh mouth of yours or you’ll never go outside. Get out of my face before I change my mind altogether. The feisty girl ran back outside while yelling, I’m sorry Mima, I love you so much. I won’t be fresh anymore. Lorenzo and Gabriella sat on the stoops watching the kids play in the projects. All of a sudden, the next-door neighbors came outside. A lady with her two children a boy around their age and a little baby girl that’s wrapped in a fuzzy pink blanket. Before Lorenzo can stop her, she says, Miss, can I see your baby? Sure, you can sweetie. She jumps over to the next stoop and looks at the baby. She says, Oh, your baby is so pretty what’s her name? The lady says softly, Hope. What’s your name? Hope is a pretty name. My name is Gabriella and that’s my cousin Lorenzo. I’m nine and he’s eleven. Hello, Gabriella and Lorenzo. I’m Ms. Claudia and this is my son Chance, he’s nine also. The bright-eyed boy waves but doesn’t say anything. Gabriella blurted out, Chance? That’s not really a name, it’s a word. Chance replied, Well Gabriella, is God your strength or do you just have a strong mouth? Gabriella is shocked that Chance knew the meaning of her name and is rendered speechless. Ms. Claudia intervened, Well, I named him Chance because he has endless opportunities. You are a pretty girl Gabriella and you’re smart. Did you just move here? Thank you, Ms. Claudia and your son has a smart mouth too. Yes, we just moved here with my grandmother Mima, and my mother and my aunt and my other cousins who don’t like to play outside. We just moved here also. Chance do you want to come with me across the street to play or do you want to stay here with them? Before he can answer Gabriella does, Can we come with you to the park? Sure, sweetie but you’ll have to ask your mother. My mother is at work but can you please ask my grandmother? She’ll let us go if you ask. You’re an adult and she told me to leave her be. Ms. Claudia smiled and asked her grandmother’s name. Her name is Milagros Long but we call her Mima. Gabriella took Ms. Claudia to the front door and yelled for her grandmother to come to the door. Mima come to the door someone wants to talk to you. She ran down the steps so Mima wouldn’t think she bothered Ms. Claudia. Hello, I’m Claudia Jordan I live next door. Hello, I’m Milagros Long. my family and I just moved here. I’ve been talking with your grandchildren. Would it be all right if they came with me to the playground? I have a son their age and he doesn’t have anyone to play with. The women talked and laughed and Gabriella knew this meant yes. Ms. Claudia returned and waved for the children to follow her. Mima shouted out from the doorway, Gabriella, behave yourself and don’t be a nuisance." She was too excited to even look back and didn’t want to do or say anything that could change Mima’s mind.

The swings, seesaw, carousel and monkey bars were all brightly painted like the colors of finger paints in the day care center. The teenagers were smoking, cursing and playing their loud music and were a constant reminder of play in the projects. All the kids in the neighborhood knew they better get as much play out of the park as they could before the freshly renovated park turned back into rusty war zone. The playground would return to a mine field of broken beer bottles, crack vials and drugged out zombies. Chance followed Gabriella and Lorenzo went to look for someone older to play with. Chance taunted Gabriella by challenging her to a race to the swings. I can swing higher than you. No, you can’t. They got on the swings and Chance uses all of his energy to swing higher than Gabriella. I told you I could, he said. Gabriella jumped off the swing and angrily pushed her swing sideways into Chance. He jumped off the swing just in time to avoid the collision but not fast enough to avoid falling. Chance got up and yanked her ponytail so hard she fell backwards. Lorenzo kept an eye on her from the basketball court and yelled out, Don’t hit my cousin! Chance yelled back, She hit me first, I’m just playing with her. You don’t want to get her mad Chance she’s mean. Gabriella fumed and began chasing Chance but he was faster. Lorenzo screamed out, Stop chasing him Gabriella. She shouted back, Shut up Lorenzo and mind your business, you’re not watching me any more Ms. Claudia is. She finally got exhausted and stopped, then Chance pretended to be tired and sat down so she could catch him. Gabriella walked over and slapped him on the head and as she turned to run, he jumped up and grabbed her ponytail again, until it came undone. Gabriella got enraged and punched him in the chest. He laughed and grabbed her hands as she struggled to get loose. Suddenly, Ms. Claudia yelled out, Do y’all want some ice cream? They all shouted yes and ran over to Ms. Claudia who gave them money. Lorenzo noticed a pretty girl at the ice cream truck and smiled at her. She smiled back and said, Hi, I’m Kharisma, what’s your name? Hey, I’m Lorenzo, this is my cousin Gabriella and my friend, Chance. We just moved here. What building do y’all live in? Gabriella blurted out, We don’t live in the projects we live across the street. From that day on, the foursome would be inseparable. The loud cries from the television jolted her out of her memories.

The media kept replaying tragic stories about mothers who struggled to survive with their children during Hurricane Katrina. Gabriella’s eyes stared intensely at the television as she saw what maternal instinct looked like in desperation. She witnessed strength, courage and resilience entangled with struggle and despair. Mother’s clung tightly to their children, spreading their arms around them like angel wings of protection. Gabriella pondered the complexities of poverty and the stronghold it had on Black people. How poor choices choked women; strangling and draining the life out of them until they were worn-out and lifeless yet dressed up in costumes ready to perform. Mothers who used so much energy to love and care for their babies, never leaving enough for themselves. Yet, always having a reserve for him, the next him and the him after the next. Whatever energy was leftover, was to scarce to fuel the rest of her needs and never enough to reach for her wants, desires and dreams.

Gabriella wrote, "Did my mother have that fierce survival instinct? Why didn’t she choose the next man, like aunt Julia? Her pen moved freely, Fear has paralyzed me. What happened to the daring little girl that was Gabriella Olivia Long-Chandler? When did I become so fearful? An insidious fear that I was not even aware of; that grew inside me like my mother’s cancer. The kind of fear that is so easy to ignore, deny and hide because I’ve been blessed with so many other things; health, wealth, beauty, strength, family and intelligence. Fear attacks everyone no matter how perfect their life looks. My life moved slowly, stayed stagnant or stopped because I didn’t face my fears. I walked around in my illusion, only going as far as my comfort would allow. Slowly, I learned that if I align my mind with God, embrace my emotions and trust my inner guidance, then my path will become clear and fear dissipates in the face of faith and self-love." Gabriella meditated then prayed about her life’s journey. Her final journal entry read, I believe I deserve it now! The love, the peace, the bliss. August 27, 2006.

Gabriella thought about the last few weeks she spent with her mother and how much she had learned. They did everything together, but they had not shared their truths and weaknesses until the end. The cold hospital gave Gabriella a reason to snuggle closely, under the blankets next to her mother’s warmth. Shane made sure the dim, sterile room was consistently filled with yellow flowers that brightened it up like a garden of sunshine. The serene atmosphere provided the safety and stillness that allowed Sabrina to connect with her daughter heart to heart. Sabrina struggled with the sad irony that despite being an excellent nurse, who worked around sick people, nurses and doctors she did not know she had breast cancer. She wondered if when she shut down her heart to avoid the pain of heartbreak, she also shut off her intuition and insight into her own well-being. As Gabriella gazed at her mother’s radiant smile and beautiful honey colored skin, she thought more than she spoke or felt. Gabriella listened halfheartedly when her mother tried to give her a crash course on men, love and relationships. She thought, how could her mother teach her about love, since she never discussed her relationship with her father or Gabriella’s father and she never dated anyone else. Sabrina knew her time was limited and she had to unlock her heart along with her truths, secrets and stories to save her daughter. She spoke softly, Gabriella, it’s a blessing to be loved, but it should never be attached to a doing, need or obligation, love should just be. Please forgive me for the times I worked too much and left you home alone. I hope my unconditional love and the times we shared together made up for that. Gabriella whispered, I love you Mommy, I had a happy childhood, so there is nothing to forgive you for. They reminisced about the shopping sprees, museums, concerts, dinners and vacations with fondness. Gabriella especially loved the times they shared as a family when her father was around, but she never understood why they were so sporadic and short.

As Gabriella thought about her mother’s life she also remembered her grandmother, who loved her dearly. Mima would tell Papi’s truth after he died and Gabriella figured that was what her mother was trying to do, tell her truth before she died. Mima was the type of woman that told the harsh truth, painted a vivid picture of it and acted it out dramatically. Her truth screamed at you like a bullhorn but maybe that was the only way anyone would listen to her. On her seventh birthday, Gabriella recalled when she sat on the stoop in her bright yellow ruffled dress, crying because her father didn’t come to her party. Mima picked her up and shouted, Stop crying right now! You mustn’t act broken and weak. Pray that Spirit guides your father back to you and then go have fun. Mima then turned and scolded her own daughter, Sabrina! I told you, never fall in love with a motherless or fatherless man. They’re broken, stop making excuses for Shane, he’s loco and can’t be fixed. Now you’re making my Gabriella broken too! Gabriella had no idea what her grandmother meant but she heard her scream this, countless times throughout her childhood.

Sabrina twirled Gabriella’s thick curly hair as she told her story, Papi had other women and this broke Mima’s heart but not her spirit. This is why my mother blamed my father’s brokenness for the dysfunction that showed up in all of our lives. She said Julia and I were smart but stupid, we attracted men who hid their wounds and craziness well. I stayed too long, Julia runs too quick and TJ was too drunk to ever find love. Papi didn’t know how to trust love, he knew how to provide for his family but didn’t show us love. I’m afraid this may be our family curse Gabriella, so you have to break this, trust your heart and be the love. The bold truth was that Papi was a recovering alcoholic turned womanizer. When his alcoholism got better, his womanizing got worse and this reversed many times throughout their marriage. Mima tried to love him through his pain but as it got worse and more unforgivable, they grew apart. Mima ran the business when he had a heart attack and that’s when her life, their life fell apart. Women came to the restaurants only to see Tommy Long’s beloved wife he often called his Goddess because Milagros Long was the most beautiful women there was inside and out. Papi used the women to fill his emptiness when the booze didn’t and then mocked them with his praise for Mima and the pedestal he put her on. Along with her beauty and compassion, Mima had the heart, brains, courage and spirit to send any woman or man back from wherever they came, and this she did often. Many of the trifling women wanted a fight to knock her off Tommy’s pedestal, but they were defeated and retreated when they experienced Milagros’s grace, power and presence. Tears flowed down Gabriella’s cheeks because her mother was not aware that she already knew what Papi did and why Mima left him.

It was a stormy, scary day in July that Mima moved to Brooklyn with her daughters and grandchildren. No one but Mima and Gabriella knew what happened that ignited their exodus. Gabriella remembered being sad but no one was crying. Uncle TJ was drunk and was shouting all kind of craziness like he was the husband. Papi just sat there like a rock not saying a word like he was an innocent bystander. The kids tried to stay out of the way and they all knew not to ask any questions or they were likely to get slapped into silence. The moving truck drove off and the only thing they left in Harlem were the two Tommy’s; senior who was silenced by pain and junior who raged with pain.

The move began on a hot, bustling Saturday the week before, Milagros would teach Gabriella about wounded men, hardened women and painful love even though she was only eight. Gabriella was the only one of her grandchildren that would listen intensely when she spoke. Gabriella knew there was power and peace in her words. But that Saturday, a woman came with a weapon that cut Milagros deep into her soul. Gabriella was cleaning the tables off when a green-eyed cat looking lady, sneakily walked into the restaurant carrying a young baby about one year old on her hip. Gabriella could tell that she was quite young by her short dress and the Reebok sneakers she was wearing. The lady struggled to hang onto the baby as he slid down her boney little hip. The lady walked up to Gabriella and asked, I’m looking for Tommy. Is he here? Gabriella replied, No, my grandfather is not working now. The rude lady said smugly, Well, I need to know how to get in touch with him. Give me his number. Gabriella knew at this point that it was time to call her Mima for back up. He is not here and I am not giving you our number. I’ll call my grandmother, since you don’t listen. She is really good at getting hard headed people to listen especially when they’re stupid. The lady’s snarled at Gabriella’s sassy reply but retreated when Mima walked out like the legendary Goddess she was. Gabriella could see the lady’s stature shrink and her confidence fade. Mima this lady wants to know how she can get in touch with Papi. Mima spoke authoritatively, What business do you have with my husband? That’s between me and Tommy, the lady said. Well come back into my office since Tommy’s business is my business. Gabriella finish what you were doing, tell cook to take over. I’ll be a minute. Gabriella obediently responded, Yes, Mima. The look in her grandmother’s eyes was so different and made her curious so she listened at the shut office door. The lady said, I need to speak with Tommy now! I am his wife, so tell me why or go back from where you came. Miss, it’s better that I speak with him, this has nothing to do with you. There is no getting to him without going through me, so state your business so we can get on with more important things. This angered the lady who snarled, Who do you think you are? This is important and I want to speak with Tommy. Mima rose up fiercely, As I have already told you, I am his wife and if it or you were so important you wouldn’t have to beg me to get in touch with Tommy. The lady whimpered, Tell Tommy he has a baby boy. Milagros swelled in stature as Gabriella peeked through the crack in the door. She gracefully whispered something in Spanish as she often did when she was extremely angry but composed. Then she commandingly spoke, You are not the first. You are in a long line on many. However, you are the boldest, brave enough to bring your evidence of affair. Your baby, but certainly not his. Since you have that much courage, I advise you to use it and go make a good life for your baby and yourself instead of chasing after Tommy Long. I don’t know who fathered your child but I hope you do. I was not there when that baby was conceived and neither was Tommy since he had a vasectomy, but nevertheless he has obviously been fucking you. I will not announce it for you nor will I relay your message. And if my husband ever hears of your important news, I can assure you he will give you the same response I did. Goodbye dear. The lady got up, swung the sliding baby back on her side and ran out in tears as she flung open the door exposing Gabriella. The look of shock in her grandmother’s eyes was mirrored back in hers. Milagros was unprepared and a little unnerved by the audacity of his affairs as she had never had to contend with another woman. She had to attack; she had her own children and grandchildren to protect. She uttered calmly to Gabriella, Never let the price of your happiness be more that you can afford. Mima turned up her Celia Cruz music and went back to business and they never spoke of this to anyone. Mima’s dignity was at stake, so Gabriella never told her grandmother’s secret and she felt powerful being able to carry it as strongly as her beloved Mima did.

The dysfunctional demons or karma like Mima would say, got the best of Papi and uncle TJ. They drank their sorrows into sickness and their sickness into death. Papi passed away a year later and TJ refused to go into the hospital for help. It was too late for him also, so no one insisted. His mind died and two months after Papi, so did he. The Harlem brownstone was in squalor so Milagros practically gave it away because she did not want any memories, sadness or naysayers to come out of the darkness. Mima sold the brownstone and restaurant in Harlem and paid off the mortgage on her brownstone and restaurant in Brooklyn, so that her daughters would always have a home without having to depend on a man.

Gabriella had so many questions about her own father, Shane Chandler. She knew she was his little princess and he seldom called her Gabriella unless he was trying to parent her, which was seldom. Gabriella reminisced as a little girl he would pick her up and take her on a long drive to the beautiful castle on the beach. Then he would drive her back home and spend the night. The next day when he left, her mother would softly cry. Sabrina never said why she cried not even when she was dying. Gabriella pondered, maybe she did not know how to explain her tears. Maybe she did not want to admit she had a choice. Maybe she chose wrong. Maybe she didn’t understand his choices. Maybe she did not understand hers. Then there were times when they didn’t see her father for years. Gabriella desperately wanted to know why, but her mother would get silent or upset when she insisted on knowing why her father wasn’t there and why they weren’t married. Gabriella still needed to know but couldn’t push her mother, especially in her weakness.

Gabriella constantly heard her mother’s voice in her head whispering to be patient. Patience is a characteristic that wants to win her over but Gabriella keeps resisting. When Sabrina grew sicker she started to tell her story, but not enough or fast enough for Gabriella. Patience Gabriella, she would tell her daughter repeatedly. Sabrina confessed that Shane was her only love and they’d met in college. She had a full scholarship and high aspirations, he had a trust fund and no plan beyond having fun. Sabrina cautiously shared the love story that Gabriella yearned to know her whole life. She surrendered into the memories of her mind and released the armor of protection that served no purpose now. Sabrina spoke softly, You can never tell what’s on a man’s mind, unless you’re in his heart. I remember that fall; all things were changing, even me. The trees were magnificent like a fall rainbow on campus. Here I was a city girl at Randolph University surrounded by scholars and students, all brilliant like me. I felt special being the only girl in high school who excelled, but here, everyone excelled back in their own hometowns. Papi wanted me to go to this university because it was a historically Black school. Mima wanted me to go to a school where I would be exposed to all kinds of people from diverse backgrounds. I know my mother was thinking about the husband pool. They chuckled as they thought of Mima. I was confident with my accomplishments but also intimidated by my surroundings. Women like me who wanted to become professionals, men who knew they would succeed because they had already made it this far. I went to college thinking I was going to become a registered nurse. I got there and by that spring I wanted to become a doctor because of him; Shane Luke Chandler. He showed me things that I never even knew existed and shared his journey. His mother who was black, died in childbirth. His broken-hearted white father who’s only black experience was his great love of his wife raised him. His struggle to connect with black people, being bi-racial and raised only by white relatives. He noticed me and sat next to me in the front of our biology class. He charmingly said, Hi, I’m Shane Chandler, and you are? I coolly answered, I’m Sabrina Long. Hey Bree where are you from? I was pleasantly disarmed when he called me Bree so familiar and no one had ever called me Bree before. I’m from New York. Where in New York, city or burbs? I had never met a guy who spoke like he did; it was strange and cute. Like a black, white guy. I’m from Brooklyn. Oh, a big city girl. No, just a girl from a big city. Aren’t you going to ask where I’m from? I figured you would eventually get to it on your own. Witty, I like that, you’re a thinking girl. Aren’t most here thinkers? Where have you been Bree, some are payers like me. You seem relatively smart, Shane. He smiled and answered, I’m from.. well, just say Long Island. Why aren’t you so sure? I’m a boarding school dropout, the other choice was Connecticut. My major is pre-med, what’s yours. Nursing. Why would a bright girl like you get off of the train at the first stop? I guess because I know my destination. Why don’t you stay on the train with me and take it to medical school. She replied, I hadn’t thought that far I guess because, I’m not a payer, I’m a thinker who has a four-year scholarship, so I needed a four-year plan. Oh man! You’ve got to be kidding you’ve got the double G’s. She looked puzzled, What are you talking about? He moved in closer and whispered in her ear, Gorgeous and genius. She pushed him back gently, You’re crazy Shane. He smiled, Yeah, I’m crazy depending on which doctor you ask. So, do you like crazy guys? Not at all, but what are you really trying to ask me? Will you go out with me? I promise, I’m not crazy. You’re very interesting Shane. I’ll take that as a yes. Sabrina laughed out loud, That’s how it all started sunshine, he used to make me laugh all the time and we spent a lot more time laughing and flirting with words. We spent the next few weeks inseparable and by that spring I decided to be a pre-med student just so that we could take all of our classes together. Sabrina continued to tell her daughter, Your father is the most intelligent, interesting and adventurous person I’d ever met. He took me sailing, scuba diving, skiing, horseback riding and we traveled. He was so confident and articulate anywhere, anytime and with anyone. He was witty, charming and unbelievably humble. Your dad was also the most handsome man I had ever seen. The kind of gorgeous that guarantees cute babies, like you sunshine. Tall 6' 3, slender and his complexion was like baked sand on the beach. His eyes kept you intrigued as you tried to figure him out. They were as complicated as he was; hazel with a bronze glow. And his kinky curly messy Afro matched his free-spirited personality. The most alluring thing about Shane is that he was so unaware of his good looks. Either he was so humble which I doubt, he never knew or he was never told how gorgeous he is. I guess he was never told he was good looking; growing up around whites in that boarding school; he was just considered the tall, funny black guy. I used to always tease him about being so cute and he still blushes if I do it. He never owned his greatness because it came too late in life, but maybe it was for the best anyway it made his personality a whole lot more fascinating. I never studied so hard in school and it took me a while to figure out just how intelligent your father really is. He never studied or opened a book, he just went to class, listened and took notes. Your father although he is so brilliant, has a hard time staying focused and quiet, this made him sporadic and inconsistent. He was irritating to a few professors who tried to challenge him. He would argue any point, even fact. If he weren’t so damn smart and came from a wealthy family, they probably would have kicked him out. I got a thrill out of seeing him interact with Black people like he wasn’t one of us. I guess that was one of the reasons he was attracted to me. By the end of our freshman year we knew we were deeply in love. We had never been in love with anyone else and we’d never been with anyone else. We truly balanced each other, he was wild, crazy and interesting and I was quiet, careful and demure. He was worldly and I had never been out of New York City. He was adventurous and I was a homebody. He helped me soar and I kept him grounded. We did not disappoint each other and I got pregnant in my senior year of college. I was able to finish college but I didn’t make it to graduation. I hid my pregnancy in school but I couldn’t by graduation, so I didn’t go. Your father refused to go without me. Although I insisted he go, it wasn’t until years later, he told me there was no one to see him graduate since I would have been his only guest. I miss those days so much, before the… Sabrina drifted off into sleep, leaving Gabriella longing to hear the rest of her story.

The next day, Sabrina was refreshed and Gabriella was eager to pick up where they left off but her mother wasn’t. Sabrina explained, Sunshine, I have some other things to figure out right now. Can we talk later? How’s your school work? She answered smugly, It’s fine, I have a report due. I’m going to the library later to finish it. Sabrina motioned her to sit on the bed, You know Julia tells me you haven’t been over for dinner lately. Gabriella sighed, Mommy, it’s crazy over there you know that. I know Sunshine, but she loves you and I trust my sister. Go to the library and then go to Julia’s for dinner. Afterwards, bring me a plate, I need some real food. I need to rest now. OK mommy. They kiss and Gabriella headed to the library. She saw her father walking down the hallway like he owned the hospital. Now she knew why the nurse was brushing her mother’s hair but her mother would never have rushed her out to talk with him. Gabriella doesn’t question it because she was so tired of trying to figure them out. Shane ran down the hall when he saw her, Hey princess, how’s school? He stretched his arms out to hug her and she reluctantly let him. He squeezed her real hard, lifting her up off of her feet. Shane put me down I’m not a kid anymore, she says. I know but it feels so good to hug you. When are you going to let go of the Shane crap? It’s dad. he said. Shane it’s dad when you start to act like one. You just started coming around every day because my Mom’s sick and you expect me to call you dad. You’re lucky I don’t call you Mr. Chandler with your parenting record. You sure got the quick comeback DNA, but I wonder where that mean streak came from Princess. She responded, It’s probably not my DNA Shane, more than likely it was my environment. Life without a consistent father might make one mad as hell. Alright, you win, I surrender. I was a fucked-up dad when you were growing up, but give me a chance now, please. He got on his knees and clasped his hands like he was praying at her feet. Gabriella looks around embarrassed, Get up dad, enough with the drama. Hey, it worked the tin girl does have a heart, she called me dad. Yeah, and the scarecrow dad needs to see the wizard for a brain. Oh yeah, you are a wizard of sorts being a neurosurgeon and all. Doctor dad heal thy self. Damn, princess your tongue is really sharp. Bye Shane, and you already know I’m a good student. Why don’t you ask me something else to break up the monotony and get to really know me? You sound just like your mother Princess; can I take you out to dinner? Now, that’s a new one. Are you going to show up? Shane says firmly, You need to let go of that mean streak Gabriella before you turn into an ice princess. She ignores his comment, I’ll be at Aunt Julia’s. If you’re not there by 6, I’m eating at her house. It’s a date princess. And since you’re going to be at Julia’s, I’ll pick you up at 5. Bye, Mr. Chandler, she says. He says, I’ll see you later princess Chandler. Gabriella walked from the hospital in deep thought about her parents and her life. She couldn’t help but wonder why her mother wasn’t in the mood to talk. It was unconceivable that her mother would rather talk to her father instead of her, but she had not understood the connection between them for most of her life. Was it the memories she asked her mother to relive that sparked something unfinished between them? Did she need to tell him something? Hear him say something? Gabriella desperately wanted to go back and eavesdrop, interrupt or insist on knowing something. Gabriella was so confused by her racing thoughts that she mindlessly walked past the library and was startled back into reality of the loud projects.

Julia took after both of her parents; a fun, powerful and dynamic person who was a joy to everyone around her. She was a stunning beauty with a wild soul; her over the top blond curly hair, colorful make up and tight clothes. Julia never learned less is more and her mantra was more is always better baby. Julia looked like Mima, short around 5'2" and very voluptuous. Her tight clothes made her look even curvier. She had a tanned complexion and dark eyes that looked like onyx. She loved to drink, party and entertain men. Julia had always been a beautician who also ran a gambling spot after hours. Sabrina took over where Mima left off judging Julia’s lifestyle and telling her how to raise her kids. Julia was all about fun, family and freedom. All of her husband’s found that out too late and no one ever knew why she even wanted a husband when all she wanted was money, sex and fun, then she would put them out when they were no longer fun. She called them the three stooges; clingy, cheater and cheapo. Julia always told the girls that they should never marry a man they have too much fun with. When times are good he will seem like Mr. Right but after the good times fade they will see the real man, the sad man who loved you for a good time. Gabriella was always reminded by her mother not to listen to anything aunt Julia said, especially about men, because she was a woman who had no boundaries. But Gabriella liked listening to Julia because she was so adored by men so she must have known something. Gabriella liked Julia’s wild side and how she did her hair because all the boys liked it and gave her attention. Being at aunt Julia’s reminded her of a difficult time in her childhood. When Gabriella was twelve, something happened and she didn’t know what it was or why it had such an impact on her childhood. Her father stopped coming around and her mother started to work longer hours. Mima spent a lot of time in bed and went to the hospital a lot for her diabetes and kidneys. Julia had moved out of the brownstone and was living in the projects across the street so she could live her lifestyle without judgment from Mima or Sabrina. Gabriella had to go to Julia’s afterschool when Mima was ill. She enjoyed this because she was with all of her cousins instead of being alone. Gabriella went to private school and didn’t always get to hang out with them and have the kind of fun only project people know how to have. Gabriella was always amazed at the ability of people to mix sanctification and sin, faithfulness and foolishness, heaven with hell; but welcome to Aunt Julia’s, house of oxymoron’s as Shane used to call it. Gabriella had fun and fit right in but they always teased her as the little rich girl who loved the projects.

2

SABRINA LONG CARED very much about the children’s education. She was the first to notice that Chance Jordan seemed different, profound as a little boy although he did not speak often. She would hear him talking to Gabriella mostly, when they played. Her daughter was the only one with whom Chance would speak freely probably because Gabriella was also a precocious child. Chance was quiet, reserved and assessed everything but said nothing. One day when they were young kids Sabrina listened as Chance was doing homework with Gabriella. His vocabulary was quite advanced when he wasn’t aware that someone was listening. Sabrina asked Chance if he could do everything in Gabriella’s 4th grade math textbook and he nonchalantly told her that he could, even the school year just started. She asked him more complicated math and chemistry questions and he was able to answer correctly. She then got the dictionary and asked him the meaning of random words, which he knew almost verbatim and he could spell almost every word she tested him with. She finally gave him one of her nursing textbooks off of the shelf and he was able to read through college chemistry with a degree of comprehension well above his age or grade level.

Sabrina left the kids and went next door to speak with his mother, Claudia. She discussed Chance appearing to be gifted and Claudia said he is always reading. Claudia explained that the cards are no big deal since his father is a gambler so he grew up playing poker. Sabrina noticed that Chance’s father was passed out drunk but this was not a family secret. The whole neighborhood already knew Mr. Jordan was a drunk and gambler since he lived at the gambling spot. Mrs. Jordan always had a hard time paying the rent and she worked a lot. Mima used to help her pay the rent when she was short. Mima also babysat Hope when she couldn’t pay the sitter so she wouldn’t keep Chance home to do it because Mr. Jordan was too drunk. Sabrina was able to convince Claudia to let her take Chance to Randall Academy to be tested. When Gabriella found out her mother was taking Chance to her school she was excited since he was her best friend and he could do all of her homework now. Chance felt loved as a child should be. Someone was finally taking care of him instead of the other way around. He would take care of his sister after school, help his father make it to bed when he was passed out, make sure all the money and his mother’s wallet was hidden and would check to see if the stove and lights were off when his mother was too tired. Even he was relieved and happy that someone finally noticed how smart he was and took interest in him. The teachers at Randall Academy actually made such a big deal about Chance that even he became aware he was extremely intelligent and what they called gifted. On the drive home from school that day Sabrina told the kids that Chance would be starting Randall Academy the next day. She took them out to dinner to celebrate and bought all his uniform and school supplies. Not only did Chance do well but he scored so high they wanted to skip him two grades. Sabrina thought one grade was sufficient with advanced classes due to the maturity issues. By the sixth grade they had to skip him again. Sabrina took Chance to tell his mother and it was obvious Claudia was drunk too. Sabrina told her the good news and Claudia was happy that her son had gotten into a great private school with a full scholarship through the 12th grade. She thanked Sabrina for her help and she even cried a little because she felt bad she had neglected her smart son. Sabrina told Claudia that he would have to stay after school for extracurricular activities but Mima would help with Hope so she agreed. Sabrina knew that Chance would need a more stable home environment after school so that was why she lied to Claudia.

I’m so glad you’re going to my school Chance we have to wear a uniform but it’s real fun there. It’s nice and clean too. Lorenzo, Lance and Kharisma go there so we’ll all be together. Kharisma was her best girlfriend and they were the most popular girls in school and the cutest they thought. Kharisma was different from Gabriella but similar in many ways. Kharisma was cute and petite with a big mouth. She was about 5' 2" tall and although she was small she had big breasts with curvy hips and butt. This made her real attractive to the boys. She had milk chocolate brown skin and dark round eyes. Her hair was always different. From shoulder length to an inch long. She tried all different styles and haircuts and let aunt Julia do anything to her hair. She likes it cut short and stylish the best. She likes for her hair to look like she just got it done and it did, since she stops at Julia’s almost daily. Kharisma was definitely Charismatic; friendly, bubbly, social and everyone in the projects knew her. She was also smart and driven. She dressed very trendy and with a little sexy. Gabriella was still the best dressed since she had all the latest fashions and everything is designer. However, she didn’t do sexy only cute and fly. Gabriella, Kharisma, Vanessa and Juliette thought they were also the cutest girls in the neighborhood and most of the guys agreed. The neighborhood girls didn’t always think so but Kharisma was quick to fight to prove how cute and tough she was. Gabriella had the mouth and the temper. She would fight too if her words didn’t shut them up. Kharisma’s mother worked at the telephone company and her father had another family in Staten Island so she went over there once in a while.

They would always hang out after school and on the weekends and they did everything together. Gabriella, Kharisma, Chance, Lorenzo and Lance all went to Randall Academy together. Juliette, Vanessa, Buddha and Shawn went to public school. Lance never hung out with them, he was older and different, he acted like a white boy and hated the projects so he lived with Mima. One day after school on their way to Julia’s Buddha stopped them in front of the building, Lorenzo your mom’s is looking for you. She said to come down to the salon. Lorenzo did as told and the rest decided to go to Kharisma’s apartment. Buddha decided to hang out with them at Kharisma’s. They made P&J sandwiches and started watching cartoons. Chance had already done his homework on the bus ride home. Gabriella said, I have to go home, I have a lot of homework. Kharisma tells her, Stay let Chance do it for you. He said, Hell no, I’m tired of doing her homework, just do it yourself Gabri. Kharisma said, What if she gives you a kiss. He said, She’s not going to kiss me. Why don’t you kiss Buddha, he replied? Do you dare me? Kharisma asked. Yeah, I dare you, Chance said. Kharisma moves over to the couch and Buddha smiles, Go ahead I dare you too. Kharisma kissed Buddha on the lips and he grabbed her face and kissed her for longer. She wiped her mouth when finished. Kharisma laughed, Now I dare you Chance, kiss Gabriella. He said, You know she’s gonna slap me. I don’t feel like fighting with her. Kharisma asks, No she won’t, Gabriella will you? Buddha said, Forget Chance, Gabriella it’s your turn. I don’t want a dare, I’ll take a truth, Gabriella answers. Buddha asks, Do you like Chance? She thinks to herself that she was better off with the dare since Chance would have to make the first move. She can’t say no because that would be a lie but she is too scared to say yes. Come on hurry up you have to say the truth or God is going to get you, Kharisma shouts. Do you like Chance? Of course, I like Chance, he’s my best friend, she says softly. She feels so relieved like she saved her secret. Buddha says, Now Chance it’s your turn. You have to go. He answers, I’ll take a consequence. He chose