The High School Years: A Parent’s Guide

By Alison Malkin MSW LICSW and Barbara Gibson PhD MSEE MSEd

Navigating the high school journey with your teenager can be as challenging as rewarding. "The High School Years: A Parent’s Guide" is an essential resource filled with effective parenting strategies for teens. This comprehensive guide offers insight and advice to help you support your teenager through high school's academic, social, and emotional challenges.

In understanding the intricacies of parenting teenagers, this book provides a roadmap for dealing with various aspects of your teenager’s high school experience. From the pressures of academic achievement to the complexities of social relationships, it equips you with the knowledge to guide your teen effectively.

Conflict resolution for teens is a central theme of the book, as it is a vital skill for navigating the teenage years. The guide offers practical tips on how to help your teen develop the ability to handle conflicts constructively, an essential part of their emotional and social development.

Balancing school and life are critical areas where teenagers often struggle. "The High School Years: A Parent’s Guide" provides strategies to help your teen manage their time and responsibilities, ensuring a healthy school-life balance. This balance is critical to their overall well-being and success in and out of the classroom.


As your teen grows, their desire for independence will inevitably increase. This guide offers insights on teens and independence, helping you understand when to step back and when to step in. It empowers you to set appropriate boundaries, fostering an environment of trust and mutual respect.

For parents embarking on this journey, the book is filled with tips for parents of high school students. These tips are practical, realistic, and tailored to meet the challenges of modern high school life balance.
Navigating high school is not just about academic success; it's about helping your teen grow into a well-rounded, confident adult. "The High School Years: A Parent’s Guide" is your ally in this journey, offering support, advice, and understanding as you and your teen navigate these transformative years together.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Apr 26, 2019
• ISBN: 9781532072833

Alison Malkin MSW LICSW

Barbara Gibson, PhD, MSEE, MSEd, has taught more than one thousand teenagers and raised two of her own. As an experienced classroom teacher and parent, she has enjoyed the rewards and challenges of guiding, cheerleading, and coaching teenagers through their adolescent years. Alison Malkin, LICSW, has almost thirty years of experience working with adolescents and families, specializing in substance-use disorder and trauma. Having worked in a high school for more than twenty-five years, she understands the developmental stages of the teenage years and offers practical advice on navigating these complicated years.

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Copyright © 2019 Alison Malkin, MSW, LICSWandBarbara Gibson, PhD, MSEE, MSEd .

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-7284-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-7283-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019904503

iUniverse rev. date:     04/24/2019

To my

mum, Ev, with love and in memory of my dad, Sid: I still miss you every day.To Rich and Evan: for the two of you.

Alison Malkin

To my life partner, Polly, for her support and patience over the past thirty years and to my two daughters, Judith and Kaila, who have taught me more than they will ever know.

Barbara Gibson

CONTENTS

Preface

Acknowledgments 

Introduction 

Part 1: The High School Years

Chapter 1   Welcome to High School

Chapter 2   Freshman Year (Ninth Grade): Transitioning

•   Social and Emotional Development

o   Introduction

o   Limits, Explanations, and Consequences

o   Building a New Community

o   Directions and Time Management

o   Constructive Feedback

o   Listening and Learning

o   Let Them Sleep

o   Concussions

o   Conclusion

•   Academic Expectations and Experiences

o   Introduction

o   Writing Skills

o   Accessing the Internet

o   Understanding and Following Directions

o   Self-Advocating

o   Working in a Group

o   Taking Tests, Learning from Mistakes

o   Doing Homework

o   Mastering Time Management

o   When Things Aren’t Going Well

o   When There Are Conflicts with a Teacher

o   Supporting Your Ninth Grader’s Academic Growth

o   Does My Child Need Special Services?

o   Conclusion

Chapter 3   Sophomore Year (Tenth Grade): Exploring

•   Social and Emotional Development

o   Introduction

o   Pushing and Pulling

o   Getting Enough Sleep

o   Handling the Awkward

o   Finding Support

•   Academic Expectations and Experiences

o   Introduction

o   Following Directions and Gaining Understanding

o   Developing Reading and Writing Skills in English and History

o   Working in a Group

o   Taking Tests

o   Doing Homework

o   Supporting Your Tenth Grader’s Academic Growth

o   When Things Aren’t Going Well

o   Does My Child Need Special Services?

o   Sophomore Academic Growth

Chapter 4   Junior Year (Eleventh Grade): Maturing

•   Social and Emotional Development

o   Introduction

o   Laying the Groundwork Before the Year Begins

o   Staying Connected during the Year

o   Encouraging Balance and Healthy Choices

o   Preparing for and Taking Standardized Tests

o   Identifying Recommendation Writers

o   Becoming More Self-Sufficient

o   Providing Consequences and Giving Rewards, Not Bribes

o   Understanding the Responsibilities of Driving and Being Driven

o   Acting Responsibly with the Family Car

o   Staying Connected with the Community

•   Academic Expectations and Experiences

o   Introduction

o   Mastering Skills

o   Doing Homework—It’s Still with Us

o   Mastering Self-Discipline

o   Addressing Academic Challenges

o   Taking Tests

o   When Things Aren’t Going Well

o   Supporting Your Eleventh Grader’s Academic Growth

Chapter 5   Senior Year (Twelfth Grade): Separating

•   Social and Emotional Development

o   Introduction

o   Fostering Independence

o   Organizing Test, Postsecondary, and College Application Tasks

o   Anticipating Leaving

•   Academic Expectations and Experiences

o   Introduction

o   Mastering Skills

o   Applying to College—A Class That’s Not on the Schedule

o   Addressing Academic Challenges

o   When Things Aren’t Going Well

o   Supporting Your Twelfth Grader’s Academic Growth

o   Conclusion

Part 2: Cross-Grade Issues

Chapter 6   Selected Mental Health Issues

o   Introduction

o   Depression

o   Self-Harm and Thinking about Killing Oneself

o   Anxiety

o   Eating Disorders

o   Bullying

o   Illness, Loss, and Grief

o   Resiliency

o   Conclusion

Chapter 7   Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation

o   Introduction

o   Current Terminology

o   The Statistics

o   Resources

Chapter 8   Conversations about Dating and Sexual Activity

o   Introduction

o   Relationships

o   Sexual Behavior

o   Abstinence

o   Preventing Pregnancy

o   Sexually Transmitted Diseases

o   Sexual Consent

o   Parents and Domestic Violence

o   Conclusion

Chapter 9   Alcohol, Other Drugs, and Adolescence

o   Introduction

o   The Power of Advertising

o   Teenage Substance Use

o   E-Cigarettes, Vaping, and Juuls

o   Deciding to Drink or Use

o   Your Family Rules on Substance Use

o   Prescribed Medications

o   What Is Really in an Illegal or Illicit Substance?

o   Decriminalized and Legalized Marijuana

o   The Continuum of Substance Use and Intervention

o   Working toward Recovery

o   The Good Samaritan Law

o   Prescription and Illegal Substances and Their Street Names

o   Conclusion

Chapter 10   When You’ve Done Everything You Can

o   Bad Things Happen to Good Parents

o   Addiction

o   Unexpected Endings

o   Supporting Parents Who Have Lost a Child

Chapter 11   Technology: Its Use and Abuse

o   Introduction

o   Cell Phone Rules and Guidelines

o   Taking Pictures with a Cell Phone

o   Sexting

o   Managing Online Time

o   Cyberbullying

o   Conclusion

Chapter 12   Plagiarism and Cheating in High School

o   Plagiarism

o   Building Bibliographies with Online Applications

o   Cheating

o   School and Teacher Policies

Chapter 13   Special Education Services

o   Introduction

o   What Are Special Education Services?

o   Individualized Education Programs and 504 Plans

o   Requesting Special Education Services

o   Who Qualifies for Special Education Services?

o   Implementing and Reviewing the Program

o   Transitioning to College

o   Conclusion

Chapter 14   Rituals and Traditions

o   Introduction

o   What’s Going On? What Should I Do?

o   School-Sponsored Events

o   Non-School-Sponsored Events

o   When You Are Unsure

Chapter 15   Coming from Another Culture

o   Introduction

o   Basic Requirements

o   Learning Issues and Special Services

o   Finding Community

o   Communicating with Teachers and Counselors

o   Academic Expectations in High School

o   Maintaining a Student’s Primary Language

o   Checklists

o   Conclusion

Chapter 16   Leaving Home, Staying Connected

o   The Leaving

o   College Support Services

o   Staying in Touch

Chapter 17   Final Thoughts

References by Chapter

About the Authors

About the Book

PREFACE

This manual is the culmination of almost two years of effort. It started with a question—Why do so many parents of high school students ask us what’s going on in high school? We sensed that parents were feeling adrift. For them there was no longer just one teacher to contact and no regular weekly or monthly school communications to read, and their teenagers had gone silent. As we explored this question, we thought we might be able to help parents by offering relevant information, insights, and guidance gleaned from our experiences and those of other mental health and education professionals who serve in the high school community.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This manual has been a collaborative effort. Although our manuscript readers have pondered who wrote which passage, we will let you, dear reader, in on a little secret. We both did. The I is we. Each of us has taken the lead in different parts of the book, and the other has added, overlaid, or woven in more thoughts and comments. The resulting work is a blend of both our voices.

To the teachers and mental health professionals who agreed to sit through interviews and reflect on their experiences, thank you. Your contributions afforded us important insights and details that will be useful and reassuring to parents. To our manuscript readers who gave generously of their time and energy, you have provided us with invaluable feedback, corrections, and suggestions that improved and clarified our writing. Any errors, misstatements, or omissions are ours alone.

INTRODUCTION

As a new parent you eagerly anticipated and then celebrated your child’s first milestones: their first steps, their first word, and more. Through these developments you served as your child’s teacher, cheerleader, and guide. You modeled the behavior (walking, making sounds), celebrated their progress with smiles and clapping hands, and helped them practice their skills. In later successes such as potty training and two-wheeled bicycle riding, you patiently guided them, encouraged them, and helped them practice until they were able to function independently of you.

Now your baby is a teenager. You may recall when your parents or friends repeated an old adage to you—little children, little problems; big children, big problems. It’s not that the problems are bigger during the high school years but rather that they are more complex and less tidy in their progress and solution. High school problems involve social, emotional, and academic growth that is more challenging to measure and track. Your behavior as their teacher and guide is under their constant scrutiny as they try to figure out how to behave in their teenage world. There is no longer a single event to be celebrated—no first step, no first word. Rather, progress is along a continuum at a rate specific to the individual and their community. The rate among your child’s peers is no longer a variation in months but more a variation in half and full years. That rate is no longer influenced only by the close family circle. During the teenage years, a parent often feels less in control and more at the mercy of peers, the school culture, and external societal issues.

In our years of experience in parenting, teaching, and counseling teenagers in high school, we have identified some key insights we believe will help you navigate the high school years with your teenager. You are still your child’s teacher, cheerleader, and guide, but the issues are more complex, and they play out over a much longer time frame. Model the behaviors you want, celebrate the successes, and teach from the mistakes. And support your teenager through it all with patience, humor, and love. It won’t be easy, but it can be a rich and rewarding journey for both of you.

Throughout the chapters, we have chosen to use certain words and phrases. In today’s culture, families come in a wide variety of configurations. We use the term parent as a descriptor that includes any and all adults (stepparents, grandparents, guardians, family members, neighbors) who are the main mentors and guides involved in raising a high school teenager. We use the term teenager in the social-emotional sections of the text and switch to the term student when we describe academic goals and challenges. In keeping with current cultural norms of gender neutrality, we use the plural pronouns they and their when referring to individual teenagers. We use the term school counselor to describe the roles of guidance, school, or clinical counselors, given that different schools have a variety of skilled therapeutic, college, and career personnel.

In writing this parent’s guide, we have drawn on more than thirty years of combined classroom and social work experience in a high school setting. Although we both work in what is considered an affluent, predominately white suburban school, we have taught and treated teenagers from a wide variety of racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic groups. We believe that the themes we discuss in this manual reflect the culture, academic experiences, and psychological issues found in many American high schools today.

Our expectation is that you will not sit down and read this work through from cover to cover. Rather, you will consult passages and topics as they become relevant to you and your teenager. The index at the back is intended to make it easier for you to find those relevant passages.

PART 1

The High School Years

1

CHAPTER

Welcome to High School

Think back to your teenage years, when you realized that you had perspectives and views different from those of your family members. Perhaps you began disagreeing about a political situation or a current event. Maybe you wondered about the reasons behind certain family and school rules that were not making sense to you.

You began to question the belief systems you had been surrounded by all your life. You questioned. You disagreed. You argued. And you probably pushed the boundaries of your family system in trying to make sense of it all. This was the beginning of your identity formation. You were establishing your place, your role, and indeed your identity in the world. Now it’s your teenager’s turn.

One of the major themes of adolescence is figuring out Who am I? This process is not something that occurs overnight or within a week. It is a healthy part of growing up. It is a process that has its stops and starts and regressions—and it happens during high school.

While teenagers are changing physically, they are also developing and changing emotionally, cognitively, and socially. It is not always true that they are purposefully angering you by questioning your beliefs or opinions; rather, they may be entranced with the discovery that they have their own perspectives and ideas. They are not rejecting you; they are finding themselves.

This is the time when teenagers are finding that they are separate from you. The status quo they previously accepted is now less solid—eligible for contemplation and possible rejection. Their process may create an imbalance in your family system. Your recognition that this is their time to explore their beliefs, their identity, and their decision-making abilities will hopefully make it an easier path for all of you.

The emotional and social developmental task of identity formation—Who am I? And what do I believe?—is happening simultaneously with physical developmental changes. Teenagers are struggling to assimilate the stranger they see in the mirror. Who is that taller, hairier, deeper-voiced individual with acne? Who is that curvier, larger-breasted person looking back at me? There are physical growing pains, ones that might wake them up in the middle of the night.

Teenagers assert their individuality through dress, hair, body language, verbal language, music, tattoos, and piercings and through their circle of friends. In 2001 my nephew’s school in London attended a memorial service in London for those killed during 9-11. The service was televised. Out of all those in attendance, we noticed Alex because of his dyed orange hair. Dyed hair wasn’t common then and was perceived as a sign of an impending difficulty. It was not. My nephew was a healthy, wonderful young man.

As your teenager develops their identity and challenges, it is time to consider what types of issues are, to use my colleague Rich Catrambone’s terms, negotiable and which are nonnegotiable. Of course, safety is nonnegotiable.

Take the time to initiate conversations about potential problems and difficult situations before they arise. Talk things out. Use what-if and what should we do if scenarios to help guide