Stan Says

By Scott Robertson

At some point in almost everyone’s life, they wish that they could get a redo; a fresh start to do it all over again. When you suffer a TBI (traumatic brain injury) you have no choice, your hard drive is scrubbed clean, and you have to start over with whatever brain you now posses. STAN SAYS: is a fiction account based on a real TBI for a man at fifty three years old. He ran a  successful business, and was knee deep in a divorce that included two children. His injury occurred two hundred miles from home, so friends, family, and pets had to travel. All nine of his neurologists suggested that he take up a foreign language, art, or study technology as he recovered because the human brain can generate so much from a clean slate. He was told that he would probably not be able to perform his previous job functions, and should consider a career change. At one point his family was told to just go home and get on with their lives,  that he would spend the rest of his life in assisted living. He was also told that he was “lucky”. None of them had ever seen anyone survive this type of injury. As if the TBI weren’t enough he also had the two upper ribs on his left side through his left lung contacting his heart, and contracted pneumonia while he lay unconscious in the ICU on life support.

So you think you’re having a bad day? Stan would beg to differ. Stan would say if you’re on this side of the grass, there are no bad days. Of course there is a lot of religion, and praying, in this type of environment. Stan won’t preach, but he learned from his own immediate rib counting exercise that Adam did not have an “extra” rib over Eve. They both have the same rib count, which made him question his religious beliefs. So whether your down and out in an AA meeting over your foopah’s, or you’re that CEO that needs to be sitting next to that person in an AA meeting, or you just lost your bid for President of the United States, or your wife just drove your new car into the garage door, and you want a redo, take one. It’s up to you. Stan can show you one way. You don’t have to break your brain. If you do break your brain, you’ll have no choice on the redo.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 22, 2019
• ISBN: 9781728304670

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© 2019 Scott Robertson. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse  03/21/2019

ISBN: 978-1-7283-0468-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-0469-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-0467-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019903280

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

PROLOGUE

Just who is Stan anyway? He’s the old white guy that watches over the Indian dump on the reservation, and his real name is not Stan. Why should I care? You shouldn’t, but you’re the one holding this book. You and Stan have several things in common. Like what? Well, you’re both on this side of the grass, you both need quality food, water, air and rest to live a healthy life, you both shit between your heels, whether that’s on one of the three flushing toilets in your American home, or behind a bush in a third world country.

Why should I follow Stan’s advice? You shouldn’t. Stan does not tell others how to live. Take a look behind you. That’s another thing you and Stan have in common. There is no long line of folks hoping to pick up life skills advice from you, is there? Stan actually used this line on a DMV agent once when he was renewing his driver’s license. STAN SAYS: none of these good folks are standing in line to get life skill’s advice from you! It literally changed her personality.

So who is Stan? may not be the question here. What Stan would offer is that you take a long hot bath, and relax, and open your mind to any eventualities. Once you are done, step out of the tub and dry off, but do not get dressed. Stand in front of the mirror, naked with wet, uncombed hair, and ask who in the hell are you?

Stan understands that the possibilities are endless. You could think that you’re special because you’re a white person in a community full of Hispanic farm workers. Or, you’re a big fish in a little pond. Stan has done some of this. He was the vice president of a multimillion dollar corporation that turned a good profit for many years. He was heavily involved in a regional chamber of commerce and served as five chairs consecutively; Treasurer, Secretary, Vice President, President, and Immediate Past President. This Chamber served a city of 100,000 and a county of 300,000. As such he lobbied politicians and federal agencies including junkets to DC. He was named the United States Polo Association (USPA) Sportsman the Year for the Northwest Region. He’s driven fancy cars, worn fine suits, and lived in nice homes. The Mayor called his home phone on weekends to ask for favors. Stan lunched with bankers and attorneys at private country clubs.

So you may think you’re hot stuff. Look closely at the dipstick in the mirror. Stan doesn’t think you’re special. STAN SAYS: better to be a has-been than a never-was.

Odds are, if you’re American, you’re not all that great, irreguardless of your social or economic stature. Stan would base his decision on how you treat others, ALL others, including animals. Stan is not a vegetarian. He feeds out steers and pigs to slaughter because he likes it better than store bought, and he controls what they eat. But Stan has an old scraggly ass long haired black cat named Foobie that he trusts the judgment of far more than what you think. If Foobie doesn’t trust you, neither does Stan.

Stan has learned over more than sixty years that middle aged white folks are reactionary. This is not necessarily so for other races and nationalities. Americans want to be the fastest with a comeback in an argument, have the fastest draw in a gunfight, land that first punch, slap the timer the quickest in a chess tournament, swing that saber the hardest in a fencing match. Stan has learned, through yoga of all things, that it is far better to be reflective than reactive.

You can tell a lot about people, or the community, by their garbage. But you have to be careful, and reflective. Don’t jump to conclusions based on what you want. Don’t try to be Sherlock Holmes with your deductions. First off, Sherlock is fiction, untrue, make believe. Second, this was nearly two hundred years ago, and is not comparable to today’s realities. When was the last time that you rode in a horse drawn buggy? With a pipe and a revolver in your pocket? Or had gas lamps in your flat for reading in the dark?

This book is fiction. Any reference to specific individuals are unintended, and coincidental. There are three sections; Life, Finances, and Relationships. All Rights reserved.

CONTENTS

Prologue

Section One

Life

(A)   Rosie

(B)   Childhood

(C)   The Pissin’ Match

(D)   Death

(E)    Religion

(F)    Law and Order

(G)   Geriatrics

(H)   Transportation

(I)     Politics’

(J)     Healthcare

(K)   Weather

(L)    Pets

(M)  Holidays

(N)   Vacations

(O)   Career

(P)    Sex

(Q)   Sports

(R)   Philosophy

(S)    Food/ Budget

(T)   Salvaging

(U)   Charity

(V)   The Phone Call

(W)  The Report Card

(X)   The Nightmares.

(Y)   Garbage Day

Section Two

Finances

(A)   Business

(B)   Personal

(C)   Cash flow

(D)   Self employed

(E)    Family

(F)    Bankruptcy

Section Three

Relationships

(A)   Love

(B)   Work

(C)   The Broken Heart

(D)   The Break-up

(E)    Termination of Employment

(F)    The Grown Child

Epilogue

About The Author

STAN SAYS:

SECTION ONE

LIFE

A: Rosie is a good example. Rosie is a young Indian woman, about twenty five years old. Every Wednesday morning she drives her black Cadillac Escalade to the dump. She is a buxom gal and pretty, if your thing is big brown women. She has a style. She wears some hoity toity sunglasses that are huge, and apparently the current in vogue style. She has fancy, tight, bleached jeans that have blingy designs embroidered on both back pockets, which she flaunts when she walks. The tight jeans have precisely located tears with frayed cotton, that show her knee high boot style that is under the jeans, just below the rear pockets, which are sashaying around. Stan has never seen her jet black hair down, but it must be waist length by the large bun rolled up on top of her head, and fastened with a trendy stick pin. Rosie is not modest about displaying her large chest. She is very gregarious, flirting, smiling and laughing with her bright white teeth between bright red lips on her dark completion.

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Her upbeat behavior causes Stan to reflect. Stan knows that she is not rich, but that she devotes her modest means to her fashion and transportation. That must bring her great happiness as she is always laughing and smiling, Stan reflects that if everyone in the world were this happy in life, there would be no need for armies, nuclear weapons, drones, or police and courts. Stan does reflect on how well border protections work, or don’t work, and even if they are necessary. He ponders that if all borders were just swung open, at first there would be some vast migrations, but that eventually, everyone would probably settle right back where they began. Stan ponders what wonders humans could produce if military and police budgets were diverted to humanitarian needs. He also ponders that this mass segment of employment is one of the major education systems for America.

Rosie always dumps off around one hundred dirty diapers each week. Stan reflects that if he was clearing out a hundred dirty diapers from his Cadillac that he would be joyous as well. But this Wednesday morning something is different. She has a stern demeanor, and is also tossing what appear to be fairly new Wrangler men’s blue jeans, long sleeved western style shirts, a black cowboy hat, and nice cowboy boots. She still has the tight fancy jeans, worth at least one hundred dollars, and the big sunglasses, another one hundred dollars, even though it’s cloudy outside. Gathered anything Sherlock?

What the horny middle aged white American male that truly believes he is God’s gift has concluded reaction-ally to his own delusions, rather than reflectively out of a true concern for the woman, is that Rosie is sexually active; the diapers prove that. And she has thrown her man out, hence tossing the good clothes’, which makes her available. Stan’s dad always coached Stan’s sisters If you’re advertisin’ you must be sellin’. It took Stan a while to shake his redneck father’s life skills advice.

The reality? Rosie is a virgin; ain’t had none, don’t want none. She runs a small daycare for all of her friend’s children, cash on the side. Her brother recently died when a drunk driver crossed the centerline and head-on’ed his car going home from church. Being trendy is a priority to Rosie. How she looks, what she drives. Nothing could be further from Stan’s list of desires, but he does not judge her. STAN SAYS: if everyone in the world was just like me, the world would be a boring place. She’s not man hunting. Quite the opposite. A few years down the road she decides that she prefers women to men, and becomes a lesbian, living with a girlfriend. This woman is her co-worker running the day care, is very fashionable as well, and watches the kids when Rosie goes to the dump.

Stan didn’t step on it. He was reflective. He used to be reactionary. This will come out in the relationship section, but Stan is happily married to his true love and would do nothing to risk their relationship. He respects his wife. But he did have some unanswered questions; why do Indians dress up like cowboys? He sees this almost daily. You never see a cowboy dressed like an Indian except in the Village People dance band. And why haul diapers in your Escalade? Why not just get a dumpster? And if you are hauling dirty diapers in your Escalade, do you roll all the windows down, or leave them up and crank the AC? Stan reflected on these matters and finally just accepted them, without judgment. He has learned over time that some things just are; the sun comes up and goes down. The roosters’ crow. Dogs chase cats. Some things just aren’t worth fighting; you’re not going to change it. Just accept it without judgment – let it go.

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B: Childhood. Stan adopted this attitude at a young age. He was in his early teens. He went salmon fishing to a little town called Sekiu, on the Strait of Juan De Fuca on the Olympic Peninsula in Northwest Washington State. This is about twenty miles east of the Pacific Ocean, and about the same distance south of Canada. Stan’s father’s favorite television show was All in the Family starring Carroll O’Connor as Archie Bunker. Archie was Stan’s dad’s hero. His dad was a racist ultra-right wing belligerent sexist in his fifties, just like Archie Bunker. Stan and his dad stayed in a pick-up camper in the parking lot for boat trailers next to the marina. Mr. O’Connor was in a small rental motor home parked close to them. Both Stan and his father were very excited. The marina is a busy place at 5:00 in the morning. There’s bait to cut, fuel for the boat, beer and ice in the cooler, breakfast, all sorts of activity. Stan and his dad ran across Archie Bunker several times on the trip. Stan’s dad was so dejected. Archie wasn’t himself. He was a kind, polite, gentlemen holding doors for folks, smiling, just a genuinely nice fellow. His wife was there, and she was not Edith! It ruined the show for his father. It was never the same. STAN SAYS: "when