Missing Peaces

By Hayley E. Barnes

Have you ever been stuck and wondered if there is more God wants for you? I have.

Have you been stuck in fear of taking the next step toward, facing your past, or even embracing your journey as it is? I have.

Perhaps you have made mistakes or blamed yourself for things that weren’t meant for you to carry. I have.

This book isn’t meant to be a step-by-step guide on how to get from your personal Egypt to the Promised Land, but I hope this book encourages you or one person to step out in the faith that God wants to heal you and use you. Believe that the past is something we may try to hold on to yet we must let go of in order to move ahead and trust that the journey out of Egypt is worth it.

I pray for whoever reads this book that your journey brings you peace and closer to God.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Feb 21, 2019
• ISBN: 9781532068607

Hayley E. Barnes

Hayley Barnes, currently a On-Call Specialist and mom of 3 teens, has a Associates in Business. She has previously published 2 devotions in Run For God Devotions Volume 2 and Run For God Volume 3. She has a heart to share her story with others to help them embrace their own journey from holding on to the past to healing. Helping others learn that we can make a wrong right by letting God use it for a greater good but it takes a willing heart. She loves to run in her spare time and spending time with her family.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it? I am making a new way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me, and the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim praise. (Isaiah 43: 18-21 NIV)

I could wait and wait. I could keep putting it off, waiting for the right moment or perhaps wait until I am spiritually mature in all aspects. (I would probably be dry bones). Or I could wait until my kids are grown, or wait until I think I know what I am supposed to do or be or I could just write. I could go out back to my yard and continue to bury the gifts I think I might have or I could just sit down and write. If you think this book is about figuring it out and how to get it all exactly right, then we are off track. This book is about accepting where you are when life gets you off track and allowing God to work on you through it to become who He has planned for you to be.

What I am really trying to say is that I am not sure exactly what is going to happen here. I keep waiting until I’m whole and fixed and completely right. I’m not sure if that will ever happen or maybe it has already happened. Perhaps in the midst of all my flaws I am who I am supposed to be. Maybe God is waiting on me when I thought I was waiting on Him.

Sometimes in life we try to time things just right. Go to college first, find a job, get married, buy a house and have a baby. Sometimes the baby comes first. Life changes; or perhaps we put off calling someone waiting for a storm to blow over. Time goes by, and then it’s too late. Perhaps we think we will fit the perfect mode If only I could just lose 10 more lbs. You lose 10 lbs. Then it is well…. "Maybe 10 more lbs and I will be complete. When is it ever perfect timing or when is good ever good enough? There is probably only 1 moment in history of man where everything was as perfect as it was supposed to be. It was a terrible, terrible moment. But it was perfect! Not to say we don’t have perfect moments. We have lots of them. However, moments are fleeting. They may leave us with a warm memory and then maybe, even that fades away. Some moments may leave us feeling victorious and on top of the world, and more defining moments may even leave an imprint on our heart.Then it fades. There is one perfect day in history that will last for eternity. The Cross!

On the flip side we have had the worst days. I am not talking about a bad day where you got a flat tire, stepped in a mud puddle and completely wrecked a project at work. I am talking of the days that you never thought would happen. Days you wish you could do over or change. Days that make you feel like you can’t breathe or get up. Days that lead to moments that you’re not sure you can manage. But then somehow you do. The days that leave a scaring imprint on your soul. Maybe it’s a day that changed you forever. Now these worst days, we may not look at them and say Well that was perfect timing. But we can’t see the entire picture…. yet. Or can we?

Can our journey to God, be on a path that He laid out for us each, unique, and perfect even when we are flawed and that is what allows us to grasp more of Him?

Well, I am not an expert on perfect timing or on anyone’s worst day. In fact, I’m writing this in faith that God will show me His timing. I have had a worst day of my life. My day may not be as bad as someone else’s day. I am blessed beyond measure. But I did have a day that changed my life and my soul. I want to share that, but more than that, I want to share the lessons I’ve learned along the path to healing. Some lessons are not easy…. But they are filled with mercy, grace, and hope.

So I have started the first page of this book at least 50 times or maybe more over the last 10, or maybe 20 years. This is exciting. I am actually on page 2. I usually start out telling about my worst day. I say something like I grew up as a child in the church or It was July when I just turned 13. I try to get it all out at once; then what? That book would be about 6 pages long. The real story isn’t about what happened on one single day of my life. It’s about all the moments after that where God used something broken and devastating to create me into who I am really meant to be. I will get to that later.

I have always been about trying to figure out what is my purpose in life. It’s been this huge blimp balloon hanging over my shoulders. Sometimes a lack of feeling satisfied with where I was or what I was doing. Always feeling like I was meant to do something. I have been guilty of going to events that others enjoy and thinking what a waste of time. I know I shouldn’t judge other people on how they live. Maybe I’m jealous that many people seem so easily able to relax when I keep creating more work for myself. I don’t allow myself downtime otherwise I start thinking about why I am not fulfilling God’s plan for me. I have wanted to do something for Him that will make him want to say to me, Well done.. As I have grown, I have been learning to accept the opportunities that God has given me no matter how big or small. I am learning that as I seek Him and grow in my relationship with Him I AM doing something. I am letting Him mold me into someone he can use for his kingdom. I hope anyway. I learned that He made me the mother of my particular children. No one else on earth can do that. I have even learned a lot about my personality through counseling that helps me to accept myself to a degree and the way my mind works sometimes. I may fail daily, but in my weakness, God is stronger. As far as writing goes, I pray that this is something I can do for God, if it is His will. I believe He will guide me and give me the right words and direct me from there.

Bethany Hamilton who is a surfer whose arm was taken by a shark learned to surf again. wants to get back on her surfboard. She says Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you. That is exactly how I feel about writing. It may not turn out the way I envisioned. It may not turn out at all. It may turn out better. But even if it doesn’t turn out, at least I can say I tried rather than looking back and wondering what I was so afraid of.

I hope this book will inspire us all to look into ourselves. Look at our worst day or days and to be able to see the peaces as they start to fall into place (yes I spelled that wrong with a purpose.) Even if it doesn’t all make perfect sense, someday in eternity it will. For now the broken being put back together is enough.

One of my favorite verses is (Psalm 84:10 NIV) "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere". Better is one moment of intimacy with God. Better is one moment when you know God has shown you something or taught you something that has no earthly price or value placed on it. Better than a million minutes spent watching TV or mindlessly scrolling through social media or playing a phone game. Sometimes we have to give up something we enjoy or perhaps that may distract us in order to pursue something better. As I begin this journey I pray each day about it. If in fact, God sees this book though it has to be his way, his timing. I had been waiting for a big sign across the sky to tell me the right time but I realized He has been putting things in front of me all along. I have to start somewhere, why not here?

CHAPTER 1

BEING CALLED OUT

There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It’s why you were born, and how you become most truly alive.

Maya Angelou

I have lost a house to foreclosure, not once, but twice. I don’t know why I’m thinking about this today. This was not my worst day although it was quite a low point. A house is just four walls and a roof, a place to lay your head and make memories. It’s not even close to the same as a loss of a person. It is not the loss of a physical function of your body like being paralyzed, nor the loss of trust of a vital relationship. However it does however represent a loss. Loss of a dream, success, or status as the world sees it. Perhaps labeling yourself as a failure. Questions such as Why did this happen? Or how could I have let this happen? What will people think? For me, it was a step to reclaim my sanity and marriage. Was there fall out? Yes! Consequences? Yes! But falling apart and losing, even total failure was a step to restoration and renewal. God had to lead me out of my Egypt into the wilderness, the darkest place in my soul to get me to where He wanted me. With him! I was living apart and I didn’t even know it. He knew it and He wanted my whole heart.

So how was God going to get me there? Peace by peace is how. Losing the house was just a byproduct of a bigger plan. It might have happened because of chaos, denial, ignorance. Who knows? The first time, I blamed it on making hasty decisions as a young couple. We bought a home in a somewhat bad area. My husband, with my support, quit his job to start an endeavor that didn’t pan out. We wanted out! We were willing to pay the price for getting a redo. We came up with stories to explain our move, without, well, without telling the whole ugly truth. We gave up. We didn’t talk about the day we locked the doors and drove away or the outrageous interest rates we paid for years, or having to pay for everything cash, cringing when you hear people talking casually about foreclosure, much less the failure. We lived in a townhouse for 4 years and continued to grow our family and rebuild our credit. God blessed us and we were able to buy a home again. Did we do better?

Yes, I believe we did…. for a while. But we never cleaned up our internal clutter. My husband had his and I had mine. I say us. Maybe it was mostly me, I suppose. I didn’t clean up my mess; the mess inside my head. I believe God gave me a reprieve when my children were little. He let me tend to them first and so I put my soul up on a shelf. I put it up and Out of the way. Yes it called to me, in the deep of the night when I couldn’t sleep off and on but I said Not now. I would write a little then put it away. Not enough time. Not enough courage. Quite frankly, I didn’t understand my clutter or what was holding me back. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I didn’t think it mattered. I didn’t think my soul mattered. I didn’t matter.

Then God called me out. Have you ever been put on the spot or called out? Asked to stand up and talk or answer a question when you’re not prepared? I was called on once on a conference call and I was totally thinking about something else. I didn’t even know what the question was. Maybe you are called out to perform some heroic feat on the spot. Police get called out a lot on their job to dig deep and go above and beyond with no time to hesitate. So do soldiers. God certainly called Moses out; Out of a flaming bush for that matter. He wanted Moses and no one else. He had a purpose for Moses. In (Exodus 3:10 NIV), God said to Moses So, now, go I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israel out of Egypt. He didn’t say he was send Joe or Judy. He said YOU! God had already put this plan into motion. From the minute Moses was born to a Hebrew woman during a time when male babies were being put to death to the day they saw the Promised Land in the distance. God already had a plan the day Moses was placed in a basket and sent down the river.

Then there was the burning bush. (Exodus 3:11-14 NIV) says But Moses says to God Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt? And God said I will be with you. And this will be a sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain. Moses said to God, Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them,: The God of your fathers has sent me to you, and they ask me ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them? God said to Moses, I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I AM has sent me to you.’"

God has a rebuttal for Moses every time. He also provides a solution and a way for Moses each time but he does have to obey Him and have faith in what God says He will do. Maybe God doesn’t necessarily call us all out to give up all of our belongings, leave our family and home and travel to a foreign land. Although He calls some people to do that, and many missionaries that serve God in this capacity are amazing. That is not everyone’s calling. What is He calling us to do, or to become, or to give up? He has a purpose for all of our lives. Even if you have fulfilled what you think is your purpose, maybe He has something else mind as well, but first you have to be ready and He will call you out! He had a purpose for sending His son Jesus from before the days he grew in the womb. What about us? He has a plan for us, too.

When God called me out, I didn’t even realize what was happening at first. There were probably alerts and red flags everywhere but I paid no attention. I kept muddling my way through my life my way. I ignored the ache in my heart to write. What on earth would make me think I could write something? I ran away from the stir. Pretended it wasn’t real.

In the book of Jonah, God called Jonah out. Jonah ran and hid. God went after him to the deep of deeps. Have you ever run from God? Why did God go after Jonah? He could have said Forget it! I will find someone else better than you. But He didn’t. He wanted Jonah to do it. God pursues us to the deep as well. God had a plan to use Jonah for His purpose. But maybe it was for Jonah, too. Get him uncomfortable. I don’t know how uncomfortable the belly of a great fish is but it can’t feel normal. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. My soul would not be still. It was uncomfortable. I had this unquenchable thirst for more, to move. Like at the beginning of a race, a runner can only warm up for so long. When the go is given, they go!

The truth is we sometimes harden our hearts or turn and replace God with things or relationships. We don’t want to acknowledge that empty spot that needs to be filled. We stuff our issues down with food, or a hobby, alcohol, business, careers and keeping up with the Jones’s. We run from God sometimes. We convince ourselves that our only destination is happiness. We forget this is an ideal, fleeting feeling and oh so temporary. Our soul tells us we need more but we don’t know where to look. I don’t think it is intentional necessarily, but being in denial of an issue that needs to be resolved, can put distance between our hearts and God. (Galatians 5:13NIV) says You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. In other words, He calls us to freedom in Him, but there are things we have to be willing to do and things to give up of the world to enjoy this freedom. Freedom from worldly demands or freedom from entanglements we create. In doing so we will learn to love and serve more freely as well.

However, it is not for me to say if everyone that has had a really worst day ever that they need to deal with. We are all different and resolve things differently. I can’t say what is right for you. I can only reveal what has helped me and perhaps maybe I can help someone to see if there is something they are perhaps holding on to that they still need to lay at the cross.

For me it has meant ripping off a lot of band aids, but this is not the case for everyone. An important person in my life recently taught me a lesson recently. I was discussing with him opening up an old wound; the same one I had been dealing with because I reconnected with an old acquaintance. As I write this, I am going to meet her on Sunday for the first time in 28 years. Anyway, he was talking to me about my wounds and setting my boundaries and perhaps sometimes people don’t want those band aids to be ripped off. Maybe it is not good to revisit the past. Maybe some wounds heal in the way they were supposed to. I know this person was talking about me but I was thinking about them actually and some others. Although I wish this person didn’t ever have to go through anything difficult I know he is more because of it. Maybe he has come to terms with his wounds. Maybe he is better and stronger and has made his peace. I am the one who hasn’t moved past mine. I have had to learn God is in control not I. I want to fix everything and a good friend told me this is not in your job description. This has been a growing process for me.

I am saying that what is needed for some may not be the same for all. You will know in your heart if you have something you’re holding on to that you still need to give to God. You will know if you have worked it out and maybe if you have, you will still gain some insight into yourself or to help someone else in their journey. I know I am not the only one who has been stuck in Egypt and is ready to go.

For me it was several things holding me back. Some days, I can feel these things still weighing me down, but I know God is working in me and that he says being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it out to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians1:6 NIV). He called me out to a place where I had to make a choice. He called me out into the wilderness. I had to choose Him first above me or deny Him and continue down my own path which was going nowhere but in circles. My spirit, my soul, my mind, my physical body felt like they were imploding and falling apart. God had been trying to get my attention, but I had ignored Him. I had gone to a doctor who told me I was depressed and gave me medicine. I went back again and again. I was struggling with a blood sugar issue so I would blame everything on that. Oh, I just need to eat something. That will fix me… until the next episode. Then it was stress. I decided to demote myself at work and that would definitely fix me. Wrong, wrong, wrong! I was trying to fix myself. Then one night I was reading the scripture of when Satan had called Jesus out in the wilderness to be tempted. I was at a point where my soul felt so self-destructive and the longer I dwelled on negative thoughts, the harder it was to shake them off. I started having anxious episodes. I wouldn’t call them full blown panic attacks but close enough. Enough to scare me and make me believe I might never feel like a normal person again. I felt, at times, like my brain might explode and had thoughts of self-harm. I felt like I was being attacked by Satan and didn’t feel like I could hold up under the daily pressure. I was tired and worn out. Not just from the anxiety but I realized from the last 26 years of carrying a burden that I needed to lay down. I got to a point that I didn’t trust myself anymore. It was very real. It was very dark and lonely. Whether it was stress, depression, anxiety, blood sugar lows, it felt real in my mind and body. It was ruling my life.

At what I thought at that time was the height of these issues, I started running. At first running felt like an escape. My feet would hit the pavement and for a little while it didn’t matter if I was going nowhere. I was free. Running for me became a place where I met God. In my soul! Running challenged me and helped me to start believing in myself again. It helped me to start fighting for myself again. As I tried to run to get away from the pain, God was, in truth, leading me to the pain. To the place I needed to go to feel it. To reclaim God’s promises, I was stepping out into the wilderness but God was there in the wilderness too calling to my heart. He had begun to break me down so that I could start rebuilding. He called me out! I was at the end of my rope and had nowhere to go to hide anymore. Around this time I had started running, I filled my head listening to a song called Demons by a group called Imagine Dragons. The song has a special place for me, but I rarely listen to it anymore because I have moved beyond my demons. It always made me think about growing up in a church, in which I thought everyone was perfect. Except me, I was different. I felt like I didn’t fit in a room of saints. The song made me think about my child hood friend. I would see her eyes and wished I could have saved her life. Believing I failed.

When I first would get up in the cold bitter mornings, this is the first song on my playlist. It was a big step for me when I got my mind clear enough to remove it from my playlist. Not because it is necessarily a bad song but I would let it take me to a place I didn’t need to stay in; A place of regret. Little did I know was that these first steps of running where my first baby steps out of my Egypt.

God so loved His people and He wanted to set them free and bring them out of Egypt to a Promised Land. But first they had to navigate the wilderness and they had to follow it as it was laid out before them. Time and again Moses went to Pharaoh asking or perhaps more as in pleading to let his people go. If you ask me, it seems like the plagues kept getting worse. Pharaoh would then plead for the Lord to entreat. Then again his heart would be hardened and he would refuse to let the Israelites go. Finally it came down to killing the first born son.

Do we sometimes beg God to remove circumstances or take us out of the situation and then when we find relief we forget what he has done and go back to our old ways like Pharaoh? It’s tough. I went back to my old ways after God delivered us out of our first house and made the same mistakes again. It’s different this time. I trust his will, above mine, in the wilderness. I am still making blunders, but my heart is not hardened. It is enlightened. It is stronger. I trust in the one who knows the way out.

As you think about your life’s journey and if you are in Egypt, the Wilderness, or if you even want to experience this