Crushing Codependency and Relational Idolatry: A Stone’s Throw from Freedom

By Mary Lehman

After years of living behind walls to hide her guilt and shame, author Mary Lehman describes her journey from shame-based religion to a grace-based relationship with the Three In One. For God to get her attention, it took the death of her husband and the separation from someone with whom she had developed an unhealthy codependent friendship. Because, in the past, Mary had fallen into an inappropriate relationship, she recognized the slippery slope she was on. Amid the months of grief and desperation, she made the decision to never go down that road again. Seeking God, she came to realize He had put her on a path where she could receive His deliverance from codependency and relational idolatry. Since then, Mary has overcome the spiritual abuse, internalized shame, and habits of risk-taking that kept her in bondage for decades; she has renewed her mind with the gospel of grace. As her new identity, she has put on Christ. Now, applying the story of David and Goliath, Mary shares her journey in detail and describes her newfound peace and freedom.

This is the narrative of a woman who has found transformation within her faith, escaping the mental and emotional traps that had kept her from healing and joy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 15, 2019
• ISBN: 9781973648833

Mary Lehman

Mary Lehman attended Bryan College in Dayton, Tennessee, where she met her husband, Glen. They moved first to Dallas and then to Arkansas, where Glen pastored and they raised their four children. Mary found her niche in administration, working as a secretary in a variety of fields. Six years ago, Glen unexpectedly went to be with the Lord, a tragic event that changed Mary’s understanding of her world.

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Copyright © 2019 Mary Lehman.

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All images by Mary Lehman.

Unless otherwise noted in text, scripture quotations are taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered trademarks of Biblica, Inc. Use of either trademark for the offering of goods or services requires the prior written consent of Biblica US, Inc.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, Copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Amplified Bible Copyright © 2015 by The Lockman Foundation, La Habra, CA 90631. All rights reserved.

The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®). ESV® Text Edition: 2016. Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. The ESV® text has been reproduced in cooperation with and by permission of Good News Publishers.

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-9736-4884-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-4885-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-4883-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018914802

WestBow Press rev. date: 1/11/2019

I have found David my servant;

with my sacred oil I have anointed him.

My hand will sustain him;

surely my arm will strengthen him.

The enemy will not get the better of him;

the wicked will not oppress him.

I will crush his foes before him

and strike down his adversaries.

My faithful love will be with him,

and through my name his horn will be exalted.

(Ps. 89:20-24)

Love and Appreciation

… to my precious friend, Kris.

On our separate journeys toward wholeness,

taking the surrender chip

was just the beginning.

… to my dear friend, Phyllis.

With your help, I have learned how to be a healthy friend

and how to be a part of a broader group of close friends.

… to my beloved mom and dad.

You gave from your love to introduce me to Jesus,

brought me up to follow Him,

and, from limited means, equipped me with opportunities to succeed.

… to my caring husband, Glen, whom I love forever.

You gave me years of friendship,

patience, prayers, hard work, and happy times together,

as we tried, no matter how imperfectly,

to express our love and lives to God.

… to my devoted children, Jon, Gary, Susan, and Sandy.

Thank you for your love, prayers and emotional support;

I couldn’t do this without you!

But, most of all,

… to my forever-loving heavenly Father.

You gave Your Son, Jesus, to pay my debt of sin and

patiently brought me out of shame-based religion

into a thriving, grace-based relationship with Yourself.

Dedica

tion

… with love, gratitude, and friendship

to my unmistakably Southern,

Bless your heart, honey,

Angel of Healing—

who, like a refreshing glass of iced, sweet tea,

introduced me to the costliest gift ever given,

God’s amazing grace.

CONTENTS

Facing The Giant

Preface

Giant Created

Chapter 1     Who Is This Person?

Chapter 2     New Normal

Chapter 3     Writing Broken

Chapter 4     The Sound Of The Philistines

Giant Validated

Chapter 5     Childhood Shackles

Chapter 6     Smooth Spindles

Chapter 7     Teenage Handcuffs

Chapter 8     Ways Of Escape

Chapter 9     I Do And I Wilt

Giant Aroused

Chapter 10   A Good Friday Before Good Friday

Chapter 11   First Day Of The Rest Of Our Lives

Chapter 12   The Next Thing

Chapter 13   Grief Shared—Grief Diminished

Giant Exposed

Chapter 14   A Sealed Wound Breaks

Chapter 15   Angel Of Healing

Chapter 16   No Accidents

Chapter 17   Not Healthy For Either Of Us

Chapter 18   The Place Of Empty

Giant Seething

Chapter 19   The Bad And The Ugly

Chapter 20   Uncharted Fallout

Chapter 21   Degrees Of Darkness

Chapter 22   A Family Intervention

Chapter 23   The Malodorous Pumpkin

Chapter 24   How Do You Want ‘Dem Ashes?

Hope In The Valley

Chapter 25   Why Sit We Here Until We Die?

Chapter 26   Dressed For Success

Chapter 27   Farewell To The Enemy’s Lies

Chapter 28   Dependency: Disease Or Sin?

Take Your Position

Chapter 29   Hi, I’m Adam!

Chapter 30   Friend Making—Dependency Breaking

Chapter 31   Kate’s Hug, Smile, And Remember

Chapter 32   Finally, … (A-Hem), … Detaching

Giant Deceased

Chapter 33   This Very Day

Chapter 34   The Pouch Of Trust And The Sling Of Faith

Chapter 35   The First Four Stones

Chapter 36   The Fifth Stone—Community

Who Am I?

Chapter 37   Jehovah-Nissi

Chapter 38   Promised Restorations

Chapter 39   Who Am I, Sovereign Lord?

Chapter 40   Morning Comes

Endnotes

BFacingtheGiant.jpg

PREFACE

Weeks before I walked through the door for my first counseling session, I had already identified my problem. Texting my new friend, I exclaimed: I’m here to face the giant!

The giant was not the appointment. The giant was not the therapist. The giant was neither my friend nor her words of affection. The giant was not even me. A most despicable goliath had emerged as the newly–resurrected entrapment of emotional dependency working itself out in relational idolatry.

Steven Furtick, founder and lead pastor of Elevation Church, teaches on facing the giant. He says, "First, we must face the fact of the giant. This requires honesty. Then, we must remember that it is what it is, but it’s not what it seems."¹

Seeing the armies of Israel and the Philistines gathered on each side of the Kidron Valley, David could have thought the end was near. Without his intimate relationship with God, he never would have believed he could defeat the Philistines by approaching the giant with only a sling and a pouch of five smooth stones. Facing the fact of the giant, he possibly said to himself, "It is what it is, but it’s not what it seems."

When victory is possible but appears insurmountable, we gather courage to plow forward, believing for a good ending. My dad taught me that if you put a stake at the end of the row and, while moving forward, keep your eyes on it, you will plow a straight row. On this journey, the stake speaks of God and His never-ending supply of love, mercy, and grace and His help in time of need. When we take our eyes off Him, our row goes crooked and we fail.

Writing Crushing Codependency and Relational Idolatry has been just one of many therapeutic components of a tumultuous journey that began a few years ago with my husband’s homegoing. It was at that time, as God allowed me to go through the valley, I cried out to Him and submitted my will to His. I began to heed an admonition I had memorized long ago: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight (Prov. 3:5–6).

Mark Twain says, Truth is stranger than fiction … because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; truth isn’t.² The impossibilities in this story are true and may, indeed, seem stranger than fiction.

I cannot tag this narrative as a feel-good story, but I hope something within these pages makes you smile. Neither can I tout its message as inspirational, but I trust you will find inspiration. If teaching comes about, the Holy Spirit will be the one teaching you. In writing my story as a memoir, I have found freedom in sharing realities of a life gone wrong and ultimately redeemed by the God who never left.

Regarding the darkest days and nights of my journey, much of what I write describes the consequences of bad seeds I had sown. Perhaps you have gone through dark times and can relate to the depths of blackness. I understand the psalmist when he says, It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn Your decrees (Ps. 119:71).

I do not have the option to write in safe mode. As with everything else, I must trust God to honor with His mercy my intentions to be transparent. To convey the extent to which God rescued me from sin and hopelessness, I have tried to communicate the Holy Spirit’s coaching, as He has applied God’s Word to my path. In a day-by-day reliance upon God, each Scripture has touched me personally. In this candid account, what His Word says about a situation is more important than the situation itself.

To show how the enemy of my soul (Satan) tripped me up repeatedly and how God’s love, mercy, and grace intervened, I have revealed a great amount of personal interaction with others. While involved in the process of writing, unanticipated circumstances led me to record additional occurrences that further exposed the stubbornness of the stronghold that had befallen me so many years ago and had hung on for decades. With prayer, carefulness, and transparency, I have carved details into words and, with deference to beloved people and life-giving programs, have masked some of the names and circumstances.

When he prepared to meet the giant, David left no doubt whose battle this was. He clearly stated, "All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD’s, and He will give all of you into our hands" (1 Sam. 17:47, emphasis mine).

While reading about my journey from shame-based religion to a grace-based relationship with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (the Three in One), may you grow to understand the devastation that can occur as a result of codependency. Perhaps, from experience, you already know the destruction it causes. In following this story, you might observe several intertwined threads: fear, God’s perfect love, His grace, His sovereignty, and the intriguing aspect of Southern women. Also, please give special attention to the references describing God’s anointing, His supernatural power, and the fact that, if you are a believer in Jesus Christ, the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in you (Rom. 8:11).

Remember, because each of our journeys are different, I can’t instruct you based upon God’s path for me. Even if you face a similar problem, because of your one-of-a-kind backstory, your unique circumstances, and your relationship with the Lord, the details will be quite different. Nevertheless, come alongside me as I prepare for and enter into battle with the giant. I encourage you to ask God to begin to reveal the story of your victory.

Are you facing a giant, today? God wants you to live free! No matter how many times you’ve tried before to overcome the chains of grief and depression, lose that addiction, or defeat the lies that bind you in any way, He, alone, is your answer. Are you only a stone’s throw from freedom?

1GiantCreated.jpg

When did the story of David facing Goliath get underway? The conflict began shortly after the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden after Lucifer had done his evil deed. God declared war on Satan, saying: And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers (Gen. 3:15).

The Lord promised Israel their land would include the territory of the Philistines (Ex. 23:31), meaning conflict would have to take place to remove the Philistines. To gain ascendency, the Philistines often gathered their armies together to fight Israel.

When my husband’s soul and spirit took flight to be with his Lord, armies of grief, depression, and a decades-old stronghold, emotional dependency and its outworking of relational idolatry, assembled without warning on the battlefield of my mind and emotions in the form of one opposing force that would not be denied. For years, I had built walls, stuffed, and suppressed until I had convinced myself I did not have a serious problem. I tried to live life as usual, while the stronghold went unchecked, ready to reveal itself at a time I did not expect.

Have you ever tried to hide a giant? Picture an inflatable. You cram it into a closet, hide it in a spare bedroom, or close the door on it in a storage unit. A bothersome giant does not go away easily; if you are successful in stuffing it away, its body parts may hang out: a hand, a foot, an elbow, or a big toe. With a tarp of denial, you quickly cover anything not hidden.

The giant was concealed. Until it wasn’t.

The Philistines were always ready to expose any weakness in Israel. We find them at the battle line, with Israel assembling across the valley. With keen awareness of the giant’s resurfacing with vengeance, I chose to approach the battle by acting upon my indispensable intelligence source: God’s Word and His promises.

When your giant appears, what is your approach?

Chapter 1

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

Shortly after Glen left for heaven, when days were running into nights and nights were cycling back into days, a succinct, audible phrase repeatedly bullied its way out of my deepest being. I formed the words with my lips and gave voice to them; at times, the sound of my own raucous voice horrified me.

In sync with these unpredictable outbursts from hidden places within, familiar teachings from my upbringing caused guilt and shame to surface. As bold as flashing red lights and screaming sirens on the way to a crime scene, the warnings proposed an indictment that I was mocking God in rebellion against Him. After all, my parents had raised me not to use the name of God in a disparaging way. Now, in my confusion, I thought I surely must be cursing. From my upbringing, what word was I searching for? Expletives. To my ears, my words sounded as though I was taking the name of the Lord in vain, which was one of the Ten Commandments my parents had hammered into me to never break. My mother had even carefully explained minced oaths, cautioning me not to say anything that would even faintly resemble the names of God and Jesus.

After weeks of repeatedly hearing myself cry out these same words, especially when I was alone and even in written communication with others, I questioned God. What is happening to me? In a moment of extreme clarity, He answered. I then began to understand my desperate cries mirrored David’s cries to God in the psalms.

My wise Father showed me my cries of Oh, my God were not disingenuous. As never before, I was sincerely calling out from the profound depths of my soul, seeking help from the Almighty. I was relieved to know I was crying out to God for help; I believed that to be a good thing, recalling God’s promises to answer when His children earnestly cry out to Him. Week after week, I wept with David. How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? (Ps. 13:1–2)

After decades of wishing I was good enough for God to love me, I finally believe God loves me just as I am. God assured me He was not trying to expose my sin. Instead, His work was to relieve me of the burden of years of sin and shame.

Over many years, I had gotten myself into sinful situations, and now I was in yet another emotionally dependent relationship through which He would begin a process to rescue me from myself and restore me to Him, all the while renewing my mind and emotions in His grace. At this point, out of my brokenness, just as the young shepherd boy chose to do, I set out to crush the abusive Goliath.

In this narrative, I describe my battles with emotional dependency not from a detached clinical perspective but from the challenge of living through the struggles. I write with hope that someone will identify with some of my experiences and learn from them. Almost every day, we face feelings and challenges in relationships. Perhaps you struggle with discomfort when you are around certain people. Or perhaps you, like me, put one person on a pedestal and idolize them.

Dependency of any kind is misplaced if it is not placed upon the one who made us and redeemed us by His blood. He longs to be our go-to, lean-on, resource person. He longs for us to be fulfilled in Him. He longs for intimacy with us. Though we know Jesus is in us and all around us, it may help to picture our relationship with God as a vertical relationship and our relationships with everyone and everything else as horizontal. Spiritually and emotionally, we must get our needs satisfied from our vertical source through whom our horizontal needs will be met. Sarah Young, author of Jesus Calling, puts forth this thought from the heart of Jesus: The only thing you can grasp without damaging your soul is My hand.¹

At the baptism of Jesus, His Father, God, affirmed Him, saying, This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased (Matt. 3:17). He is the one to whom we should cling. He can be everything to us—all that we need. When we rely upon God’s presence alone, we can face our giants, no matter how intimidating they may look, sound, or make us feel. Amid all the unrest, fear, and emotional disarray, I made some spiritual decisions.

• I would not be moved by what I saw: the giant.

• I would not be moved by what I heard: his audacious roar.

• I would not be moved by what I felt: sometimes not so brave.

• I would be moved only by what God’s Word says about me.

Lest these ideas sound too Pollyannaish, I must clarify that those are the goals I progress toward; in the months of harshest conflict, they were not what I lived out. Many times, forgetting that the battle was the Lord’s, I complained to Him that the path was too difficult.

In processing emotional dependency, I discovered that fear and negative emotions generated by faulty religious teachings had driven me headlong into finding fulfillment by people pleasing. The entire time, God’s remedy was perfect love. His Word says, There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment (1 Jn. 4:18).

Just as Israel was affected negatively when ten of the spies came back with their frightening report of the sons of Anakim (Num. 13–14), I was flattened by fear. God had promised Israel the land flowing with milk and honey. All they had to do was go in and possess it. Fear distorted God’s plan, and they spent an additional forty years wandering in the desert. In my case, thank God for His steady help to press forward! Through the five smooth stones He provided, I began to listen to His Spirit instead of my own fears.

In his Tool for Heart Connexion Living, Dr. Paul Fitzgerald gives Five Truths about Fear. These three relate best to our subject:

• I will experience fear as long as I continue to grow outside my emotional, spiritual and relational comfort zones.

• Fear is a caution signal whenever I am about to step outside past experience. I will not allow it to be an automatic stop signal that takes away my choice.

• In the long run, pushing through my fear of healthy change is less risky than living with helplessness which could paralyze my growth and rob me of self-worth.²

This book is God’s story, and it continues today. For spiritual grounding, I have chosen to write it within the framework of the well-known battle between David and Goliath in 1 Samuel 17. Following in step with David’s credentials, this scripture identifies my aggressive giants in the order in which God has won the victory:

The LORD who rescued me from the paw of the lion [grief] and the paw of the bear [depression] will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine [codependency/idolatry] (v. 37).

By picking up the five smooth stones, putting them in a pouch of trust, and using the sling of faith, He has enabled me to overcome a massive stranglehold: the giant of codependency that, at this juncture, presented as relational idolatry.

Have you begun your journey of recovery from the sinfulness and hurt in your life? Do you even know where to start? Begin at the foot of the cross, and let’s go on this journey together.

A Prayer for You or a Loved One

Lord, I’m wrestling with a severe stronghold (addiction). Sometimes, I don’t even recognize who I am. May I be courageous enough to listen to Your voice and turn to You for complete deliverance. I believe that with You, ALL things are possible (Mt. 19:26). Amen.

Chapter 2

NEW NORMAL

Spring was emerging. A predictable, sunny Saturday morning—shower, robe, and breakfast. Glen was outside working in the yard and I was on the phone with one of my daughters.

Suddenly, our safe, humdrum world popped like an oversized water balloon pierced with a sharp object. Though I did not dare think it, at that moment of reality, all semblance of sequence, order, and hopes of any further days as husband and wife gushed out to be absorbed quickly into parched ground.

As the paramedics asked Glen which hospital he wanted to be transported to, I was close enough to hear the two words from Glen’s lips. I did not dare imagine those were the last words I would hear him say, but they were.

Northwest Hospital.

After a massive heart attack, emergency quadruple bypass surgery, and four days in ICU, Glen’s soul and spirit translated into a brand-new place where all his thoughts, words, and deeds are now true, … noble, … pure, … lovely, … admirable, … excellent, … and praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8).

A few years have passed since those few horrible moments. I, who thought I would never be the same again, am not. It seemed life would not go on, but it has.

After Glen left for heaven, everything spiraled into a whirlwind and landed upside down. In my faulty perception, I had believed Glen was my spiritual covering. He was the prayer leader in our home. Keeping categorized prayer lists, as a pastor, his list included the names of his congregation and pastor friends; teacher, students and their parents; salesman, customers and coworkers. Always, his family, extended family, and friends were on his prayer list. As his helpmeet, I knew I was at the top of his list; sadly, that awareness became good enough for me. Glen arose early every morning to read his Bible and pray while I got