Awakening Prince Charming: Autism and the Sacrament of Marriage

By Roscelia Dávila

My brothers used to call me “Cinderelli” because I was constantly baking or cleaning when we were growing up. They used to ask, “Where is your Prince Charming?” The long-awaited wedding day came, and after only two years of marriage, I was ready to leave my husband with a newborn in my arms. I could not bear the mental anguish that I was experiencing due to my husband’s belligerent behavior. I was contemplating divorce when a spiritual inspiration revealed to me that my spouse had autism. This personal revelation led my husband and I on a journey of healing, forgiving, and change of heart thanks to the influence of the atonement, the teachings of Jesus Christ, and my background in special education. Awakening Prince Charming: Autism and the Sacrament of Marriage documents my introspective process of faith and critical thinking that enabled my husband and I to keep the vows we made to each other when we said, “I do.” Since my change of heart and approach, I have witnessed the miracle of the power of the Holy Ghost and the love of God awakened my Prince Charming.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Sep 22, 2020
• ISBN: 9781664200623

Roscelia Dávila

Roscelia Dávila graduated with a B.S. in Early Childhood Education and then with a specialization in Special Education. She worked as a Special Education teacher for several years before undertaking the journey of living with someone with autism which inspired her to write this book. She has overcome significant marital obstacles by critically analyzing how autism affects her husband and their relationship and applying the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ such as forgiveness and charity to save her marriage. Her deepest hope is that her journey may help others in a similar circumstance. Roscelia is currently a stay at home mom with two businesses and focusing on the education of her child with Down syndrome. Roscelia and Santiago are enjoying a more stable and happy union.

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Copyright © 2020 Roscelia Dávila.

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This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author

and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of

the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of

people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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ISBN: 978-1-6642-0061-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-0062-3 (e)

WestBow Press rev. date: 9/10/2020

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO MY SON.

I WANT THE WORLD TO SEE YOUR

DADDY THE WAY YOU DO.

Being in love is a good thing…now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity…whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last…ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense—love as distinct from ‘being in love’ is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other…‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity; this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run; being in love was the explosion that started it.¹

C.S. Lewis

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CONTENTS

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Preface

My Path to Marriage

Autism’s First Signs

A Change of Heart

Marriage as a Sacrament

Introspection

Change of Behavior

Inner World Defined: According to Us

Christ-Like Attributes

Respect & Fidelity

Communication

Vicious Cycles

Critically Thinking Commitment

Love

Intimacy

Summary

About the Author

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PREFACE

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This book represents a three year project to gain greater personal clarity about my marriage with a man with autism, diagnosed two years after our wedding. He has lived over forty years of his life without any explanation for his difficulty making and maintaining connections with others, which almost led to our separation. While writing this book and throughout my process of discovery, I have learned how to help him understand what it means to live the gospel of Jesus Christ and by extension the values that build healthy and loving marriages.

My determination to save my marriage has given me a fuller perspective for the purpose of marriage, which goes beyond mere companionship or the expression of emotional and physical affection. Viewing marriage as a framework for self-fulfillment or self-actualization is a common modern trend, which distances the institution from the divine definition of covenant. Marriage termed as a covenant implies much more than connection; there is also a profound element of sacrifice.

With individualism on the rise in society, there has been a decline in commitment to marriage. Individualist thinking steers us away from careful consideration of how our decisions will impact our spouse and family. Making any permanent change without truly understanding the underlying reasons for undesirable behavior of a spouse can lead to heartbreak. When under high stress situations, our words and actions have power to create misery and discontent. Our erroneous interpretations of the actions of our spouse when under crisis can create an irreparable rift in a marriage. Selfishness too often replaces love. Pride too often replaces humility. When there is selfishness and pride true love cannot exist. And this is what we ultimately are in danger of losing sight of -- true love requires long suffering, which means a perspective that extends before and beyond this life to the eternal reality of our marriages and families, and thus, true love can be lost to us as a result of short sightedness. When we find ourselves in difficult circumstances—in my case living with someone with autism and having a child with special needs—we should apply Christ-like attributes such as forgiveness to avoid making any permanent decisions while under emotional stress. When we apply common sense and critical thinking to the meaning of true love and the eternal purposes of marriage, we are not so easily swayed by popular portrayals of what ideal marriages are supposed to look like. Going back to the basics of our faith can point the way to morals and values that lead us to true and everlasting happiness in love and marriage.

My marriage is very personal to me, but I have decided to share my experiences in the hope that they can help others navigate relationships with spouses who have high-functioning autism. While I’ve come to understand the importance of being sensitive to my husband’s needs, I’m also learning coping and self-care strategies, so I am able to bear the bulk of the emotional support in our marriage without losing my sense of self or giving up. Feeling fulfilled as an individual and focusing on the positive aspects of my marriage are both easier when I apply the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ and pray for my husband every day. I’m grateful for the personal growth I have gained in this process: I love my husband for increasing my communication and emotional abilities. He has helped me become a better person, and through the process of our learning to love and live together, he has helped me develop the ability to evaluate our relationship logically and defend my premises of what a healthy marriage should be.

Living with someone who has autism or demonstrates similar characteristics such as being uncaring, unsupportive, unloving, and egotistical is arduous. My husband’s behaviors made it difficult for me to demonstrate Christ-like attributes in my marriage while I dealt with the stress of caring for my child with special needs. His insensitivity became more acute because of his uncertainty about the future of our child and his doubts about his ability to take care of him. The words Down syndrome overwhelmed him, and through the filter of autism, his own sense of inadequacy morphed into a perception of my utter and complete incompetence. My best intentions became sinister in his eyes. I reciprocated his unrelenting antagonism with anger and coldness. And thus, we stepped into the unknown.

What saved our marriage is my realization that my husband was suffering as much as I have. His perceived narcissism and abuse masked his despair. His inability to understand or express this feeling inhibited his ability to accurately interpret our interactions. It was only through understanding his limited capacity to gauge his emotions and through the atonement of Jesus Christ that I was able to forgive him. Sometimes forgiveness comes at a high price. I was beaten down from having to deal with his unkindness while trying to take care of the needs of our son with Down syndrome. I felt like my circumstances would never change because I believed my husband’s negative reactions reflected his true character. I made the difficult decision to risk loving him the way Christ commands.

Making such a permanent decision such as divorce while the both of us were in crisis would not have been the best decision. My husband was in defense mode. He was constantly being bombarded by perceived negative stimuli, and he was always on edge. He became increasingly selfish, irritable, petty, and even malicious because he perceived every engagement with everyone around him as a threat. For our marriage to improve under these circumstances, I needed to help reduce the physical, mental, and emotional stress he was under by changing the way I reacted towards him. I needed to demonstrate patience, compassion, and forgiveness to diminish his triggers as the both of us switched gears to accommodate these life changes. I felt lonely and unsupported for a time, but this too passed as my husband acclimated. This situation did not change overnight or in a few weeks; healing our marriage required intense patience and diligence over the period of five years. My first hints that our marriage could be saved came after two years of learning to accept my husband’s limitations and turning my heart and life over to God.

When I found out my husband was on the spectrum, I began my journey to understand the reasons behind his unkind and unloving behaviors. Although my difficulties were far from over, I experienced deep gratitude that I had not given up on my marriage. We grew together and learned how to live happy and balanced lives, while jointly caring for our son with Down syndrome. As I put into place Christ-like strategies into our marriage, I came to know the real man behind autism. This process awakened my Prince Charming—surprising us both with a loving relationship we thought was beyond our reach.

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MY PATH TO

MARRIAGE

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Cinderelli, where’s your Prince Charming? my younger brothers used to tease because I was always cooking and cleaning.

I was the oldest of four and the only girl. When I was 13 months old, my first brother was born. Scarcely more than a baby myself, still I tried to help my mother care for him. A few years later when I was three, I watched my mother do laundry. She could tell from the way I watched that something was on my mind.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to be a mom, I responded swiftly.

It would be quite a few years before this most fundamental desire of my heart was fulfilled. When I left home to attend college, I began to ask myself the question, Where is my Prince Charming? I searched for him based on a marital paradigm I developed as a child—this included a loving, affectionate husband that enjoyed holding hands, cuddling, and kissing. I dreamed of a husband who occasionally brought me flowers and took me out on dates. He would take me on spontaneous road trips like my dad did when I was growing up. My husband would get along great with my family and accompany me to family reunions and special events because my family did everything together. Dancing was very prominent in our family, so it was important that my husband enjoy dancing and take me out on Friday nights. We would do everything together, have the same ideals and values, and we would have the same vision of the world.

I thought I would find my companion at my undergraduate university, but Heavenly Father had a longer path in store. He had a perfect knowledge of the strength of character and patience I was going to need to develop before getting married. He led me to situations that would instill the spiritual and emotional strength I was going to rely on later on. While I was attending school, I could feel the Holy Ghost guiding me to specific people and places. I chose to listen, and I was given the gift of having my own spiritual compass for being obedient to these promptings. These experiences molded me into what I am today because I willingly gave my life to the Divine Potter. I was taught patience, love, charity, and empathy. I was inspired to graduate in Education and then in Special Education, and while obtaining these two degrees, the attributes were instilled in me even more deeply. The blessing I received for always following my spiritual compass was strength of character, hope, faith, and a firm foundation of the knowledge of the gospel that I would need in my marriage.

Heavenly Father’s timing was perfect although I couldn’t acknowledge it at the time. As I look back on the road I traveled, I appreciate the reasons why He had me take the long path to prepare me for my future family. I could not have accomplished what I did in my marriage without the lessons I learned along the way.

After I graduated, a few more years passed. I fell into difficult spiritual times. For six years, I had felt an unseen evil influence battling to diminish my faith and steer me from my path. As the years progressed, this evil presence became more and more aggressively palpable as I continued to choose to fight against it and hold on to my faith and my purpose. The person I had become was slipping away.

During this time, I sat in a park overlooking a lake. The pain of being alone rose to the surface of my emotions. I knew it was a righteous desire to have a family, and I couldn’t fathom why this was being denied to me. An older man sat down next to me, and we conversed. Suddenly, I turned to look at him and he said, I don’t know what you are going through right now but I have a message from God. He wants you to know that the family He has promised you is coming very soon.

Eight months later, a man sent me a message via Facebook asking for my number. We had met for the first time in my hometown a year and a half before. When we spoke on the phone, my heart began to awaken from the darkness that had surrounded me. I told him I was going home for Christmas, so we made plans to meet.

When I saw him in person, I felt comforted by his presence. I hadn’t felt at peace in six years. He seemed to know what I needed. When he would hold me, it felt like home and for a moment the darkness dissipated. No other person or power had been able to deliver me from such an evil presence. I knew that Santiago was for me. I felt alive again, and I was able to experience happiness once more!

He was everything I had asked for— a tall, dark, and handsome man from the same culture as me and a believer of God. I couldn’t believe such a man existed, and he came into my life when I needed him the most. Santiago proposed to me the day before New Year’s Eve in front of the Christmas tree. Heavenly Father kept His promise. He sent me the one person that could keep me safe before the darkness could engulf me. I had found my Prince Charming!

We both wanted to be married and have a family, so we got married.

We were able to find a house a week before the wedding. It was four houses down from my parents’ house. When we arrived at our new home after the honeymoon, my new husband ceremoniously took me into his arms while crossing the threshold. He couldn’t wait to get home from work those first two months! We talked all day and cuddled all night. We enjoyed talking about our goals and our dreams with each other before falling asleep. We were both excited about being married.

One day, he got ready to leave to run some errands. Santiago was putting his shoes on by the front door.

As I walked up to him, I asked, Where are you going?

While he was tying his shoes, he responded, I have some errands to run. I will be back in a few hours.

I was curious about how he spent his days, so I asked to tag along. He resisted at first.

Santiago stood up and put his left hand on the doorknob. He looked down at the floor. I have a lot to do today and you will just slow me down.

I put my hand on his shoulder. Please let me go with you. I want to be with you.

Santiago jingled the car keys in his pocket as he stood by the door with his other hand still on the knob. Why do you want to spend so much time with me? We already spent the morning together. Isn’t that enough?

I wrapped my arms around him while nestling my head against his chest. I want to know what you do all day, and then afterwards, we can get some lunch somewhere.

He inhaled deeply and said, Okay. Fine. Hurry up. I’m already late.

As we sat together in the car, he looked rather peculiar.

The both of us put on our seatbelts. As I looked over at him I asked, What’s wrong? You look worried. What are you thinking about?

Santiago inhaled deeply once more and without looking at me he said, I’m a little nervous spending so much time with you. He turned the car on and reversed into the street.

I reached over to touch his hand. Why? We get along fine.

Santiago moved his hand away from mine. We get along great. You are different from past girlfriends I have had and I like that we don’t spend most of our time together arguing. He then wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and shifted his body in the car seat while he made a left turn.

He maintained his eyes on the road. I’m worried that if we spend too much time together, we will start fighting all the time. You seem so easy to get along with and we don’t fight, but I don’t know how long it will last. Maybe we shouldn’t spend so much time together.

Why would we stop getting along if we spend time together? I don’t understand.

I don’t know but this is how all of my relationships start and then they all end up badly. Well, our relationship is so much better, but I don’t want to spend too much time with you so that it won’t go bad. I want to enjoy my time with you and I don’t want you to end up hating me like everyone else.

Why did your past relationships end up badly?

I don’t know.

My husband couldn’t explain why his past relationships went bad. Had he known how to self-reflect, we may have saved ourselves the heartache that was coming.

Our honeymoon phase lasted two months. Shortly after this conversation, I noticed that my husband started to push me away emotionally and physically. We stopped connecting. He became disinterested in our family life. He stopped talking with me, and started to hide things from me. My husband would grab my arms and push me away whenever I tried to hug him. I couldn’t understand why he was pushing me away.

Although my husband didn’t want any personal contact with me, I was able to convince him to watch a movie with me one Saturday. Santiago put a blanket on the floor, and I made us some snacks. We started commenting on the movie and laughing together. This led to talking to each other like we used to. I felt the connection coming back, and I could tell my husband was feeling it, too. He smiled at me and kept inching closer to me as we sat on the blanket. As he got closer to me, his hand brushed mine. I leaned in to kiss him because it felt natural in that moment to do so. I felt the butterflies coming back until he abruptly pushed me away and got up to go to the kitchen.

Tears started to fall down my cheeks. I held a pillow close to me as I cried. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. My husband saw me crying and said, It’s your fault for trying to get close to me. You are ruining things between us. He reminded me how he thought being together was a waste of time because neither one of us was making money. I’m not interested in being close to you, so you need to stop trying.

I slowly started to realize that my husband wanted our marriage to be more like an arrangement between roommates than a marriage between husband and wife. He longed for the same independence he enjoyed when he was single, including hanging out with friends that were women. He wanted to continue texting them, writing to them on social media, and seeing them in person without me. He didn’t see it as a problem because he wasn’t doing anything wrong, and he had a right to what he called a private life.

I allow you to live with me to help pay the bills and clean the house, he declared. Every time I dared asked him where he was going, he explained, It’s none of your business what I do outside the house.

I never knew where he was, who he was with, or when he would be back. He began to completely externalize his social life, refusing to go out with me. When his family invited us to parties, he ordered me to stay home. He made excuses to explain my absence. When his job invited all employees and their families to a water park, he went alone.

We went for a ride in the car one day. I could tell he had something on his mind.

I looked over at him and asked, What are you thinking?

He reclined his seat to stretch his legs and sighed.

My company is rewarding all its employees and families by giving us a day at the water park.

I got excited because I thought it would be a good way to reconnect. I leaned on the armrest and cupped my chin. Oh. That sounds fun. When is it?

He kept looking forward and sighed again. It’s this Saturday.

I leaned in closer. What time do we leave?

Santiago put the seat back to its upright position. He sighed and said abruptly, I don’t want you coming with me.

Startled at the icy answer, my heart plummeted. I leaned back into the car seat. I asked, Why not? I’m your family. I’m invited, too.

With his eyes still on the road, he said, I wouldn’t feel comfortable. I wouldn’t know how to act around my co-workers if you were to go. I just wouldn’t enjoy myself with you there.

The conversation went on, but I could not convince him to take me with him.

He finally looked at me and said, If you go on your own and meet us there, I will pretend I don’t know you.

I leaned against the car door as I rested my hand on my cheek, trying to suppress my sobs.

Why would you do something like that?

With a raised voice he said, I don’t want you there. I don’t want my co-workers to meet you. You are not looking your best at the moment with your frizzy hair. I’ve always wanted a stylish woman and you don’t look it right now. The bathing suit you have makes you look like a little girl.

We rode the rest of the way in silence, except for my quiet sobs.

There were times that when we were together, he acted like a loving husband until something about our interactions triggered an