A Portrait of Grief: Hope and healing after the loss of a child

By Cheryl Christopher

"Surviving the loss of a child is the hardest of journeys. There is only one way, and that is through.

But how? What does that even mean?

I can only show and tell you my experiences along the way, pointing out mistakes, dangers, and miracles."

-Cheryl Christopher

While many books on grief pro

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Mar 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9781637699256

Cheryl Christopher

After graduating from Lamar University in Beaumont, Texas, Cheryl Christopher spent most of her life as a wife, mother of four, and grandmother to eight. Her entrepreneurial spirit flourished in photography, modeling, and fashion-leading to the creation of a successful international bridal line.Cheryl, along with her husband, has always been involved in community and ministry. She has taught, organized, and launched numerous impactful ministries for youth and for women. Although loss is woven throughout her life, her days are now spent celebrating life through writing, painting, speaking, and entertaining.

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Endorsements for

A Portrait of Grief

How does one person live with such a succession of tragedies? And yet Cheryl Christopher found a way to redeem pain by speaking to others who go through trials. Bless you and this book as it goes out. I know the book will touch hurting people.

— Philip Yancey,

best-selling author of

Where Is God When It Hurts?

and What’s So Amazing About Grace?

I have never read a more powerful book—period. This was written by God through the fingers of love. A love deeper than the well of human emotion. This book is a treasure to us all. It is literally God’s gift through Cheryl Christopher to you.

— David Cook,

best-selling author of

Seven Days in Utopia: Golf’s Sacred Journey

and producer of movie of that name

Cheryl Christopher crafted more than a treatise through the worst storms of grief; more than a textbook; more than moving stories. She did all of that and so much more. I read a few pages and before I knew it, I felt tears on my cheeks.

Everyone who has deeply suffered should read this book or have it read to them. And share it with a friend.

— Jim Hiskey,

Lifetime Member PGA of America.

Author of Winning is a Choice

and What is the Good News Jesus Proclaimed,

Co-founder the C.S. Lewis Institute and Senior Fellow

Cheryl Christopher’s A Portrait of Grief is written for those whose story takes them to the unthinkable and sometimes unbearable pain and darkness of grief. Her own experiences of loss and grief will help the grieving souls who find their way to her gracious and comforting words.

Her own experiences of what followed her loss, pain, anger, and questions of faith surrounding personal tragedy are woven into a tapestry of enduring faith and hope. Cheryl’s story reminds us that God is still good and can still be found, trusted, and enjoyed, even in despair. Her wisdom and insights will undoubtedly help thousands of people who find themselves in their own portrait of grief.

— John R. Wayland, Jr.,

Senior Pastor of Northwest Bible Church, Spring, Texas,

Area and Regional Director of Young Life,

Author of A Daily Passage Through the Psalms

and A Daily Passage Through Mark.

Our lives are full of people who come and go, but every so often someone comes into our life who will jar the even tenor of our ways, and our lives will never be the same. Cheryl and Gary Christopher are people who have come into our lives and changed us for good.

Their story is real, and their suffering is overwhelming. They have lived life lessons that have ultimately made them stronger but have also helped others gain strength through their unique grief. They have exhibited the Rock upon which they stand. That Rock is their everlasting faith in Jesus.

The story you are about to read is meant for you so that the life and trials of the author will enable you to fly again in answer to her prayer and yours as well. God loves to answer those kinds of prayers. You will be blessed in this reading.

— Randy Wolff

Executive Director of Wind River Ranch,

Regional Director of Links Players International Golf Ministry,

author of Fireside Stories for the Soul,

Our Daily Light, and Moments of a Lifetime.

When you see the smiling face of Cheryl Christopher in the back of this book, you would never imagine the journey she and her family have been through.

Somehow the Christophers have survived. God has reached down, and they have reached up, leading them to a place today where Cheryl can share their story of loss and pain and hurt — in a beautiful way that will touch your heart.

— Pete Hiskey,

friend and pastor to the world of golfers

A PORTRAIT OF

GRIEF

Hope and Healing

after the Loss of a Child

By Cheryl Christopher

A Portrait of Grief: Hope and Healing after the Loss of a Child

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive, Tustin, CA 92780

Copyright © 2022 by Cheryl Christopher

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the New American Standard Bible® (NASB), Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org.

Scripture quotations marked AMP are taken from the Amplified® Bible (AMP), Copyright © 2015 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™.

Scripture quotations marked (NRSV) are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright © 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked TLB are taken from The Living Bible copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. Public domain.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without written permission from the author. All rights reserved. Printed in the USA.Rights Department, 2442 Michelle Drive, Tustin, CA 92780.

Trilogy Christian Publishing/TBN and colophon are trademarks of Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Cover design: Mike Rhodes, Rhodes Design.

Cover Photograph: Oaks of Righteousness by Gary Christopher, 2017.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 978-1-63769-924-9

E-ISBN: 978-1-63769-925-6

DEDICATION

To our children and grandchildren, who are with us:

Monty and Holly, Molly and Davis,

Alana, Lila, Carson, Tyce, John Davis, Cross, and Raines.

You brighten our days and sweeten our lives.

In loving memory of our children, who await us:

Austin, Wes, and Brock.

We are closer to reunion with each passing day.

Acknowledgments

A book is never a solitary endeavor. Although my name appears on the cover, a cast of supporting family, friends, and professionals helped me make the message so much better.

First and predominately, to my husband, Gary, who has lived through most of these stories with me. God keeps blessing me through you with each passing year. Your optimism has provided an environment for faith, hope, and love to grow again. Your loving imprint on my life has been undeniable. Thank you for reading the material over and over and assuring me of the value of the message. Thank you for crying with me and for holding me when the memories got to be too much. Let’s keep dancing!

And then to my children, Monty and Molly. You were both a part of the journey from the start. I know your own losses run deep, but oh, how you have ministered to me. Thank you both for your suggestions and advice. Thank you for your willingness to relive some of your worst days and for sharing your hardest memories. I love you both dearly.

I owe a debt to some of my first readers and treasured friends, who offered criticism and encouragement along the way. Thank you, David Cook, Pete Hiskey, Philip Yancey, Loraine and Jim Hiskey, Beth and Bill Rogers, Jeff Hopper, John Wayland, Carol and Randy Wolff, Jim Barker, Linda Brock, Joy Crenshaw, and Mary Milligan.

Thank you to my new friends and prayer warriors who have taken me and my project on as their own. Thank you: Lesley, Diana, Cyd, Gail, Janie, Keith, Linda, Patty, and my newest prayer supporter, Kay-Kay. You are all surely a gift that only God could give.

My editor and writing coach, Keith Wall, deserves a special word of thanks. Keith quickly moved from an advising professional into the realm of a treasured friend. Thank you for all your expertise, wise guidance, and personal support. Your corrections, suggestions, and affirmations written not in red ink but in blue (my favorite color) kept me centered on the true north of God’s Word and prevented the book from being a thousand pages long. Your patient and gentle encouragement lifted me up when I was weary of words. It has been a privilege and a joy to work with you, Keith. You are simply the best.

Thank you to my friends at Trilogy Publishing for helping me navigate through the very confusing world of publishing.

Lastly, thank you to our friends and loved ones who did all the right things in the worst of times.

Table of Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Introduction: From Heartache to Healing

Part One: Shattered

Chapter One: Brokenness: The Struggle to Go On

Chapter Two: Anguish: An Encounter with Terror

Chapter Three: Heartbreak: Surviving Sorrow and Travail

Part Two: Healing

Chapter Four: Grief and Mourning: What’s Happening?

Chapter Five: Denial and Avoidance: This Can’t Be Happening

Chapter Six: The Stages: And the Worst They Have to Offer

Chapter Seven: The Weight of Words: Hearing the Good, the Bad, and the Necessary

Chapter Eight: The Giant of Fear: Being Afraid Is Natural, But It Need Not Last Forever

Chapter Nine: Guilt and Grace: Overcoming the Curse of Shoulda, Woulda, and Coulda

Chapter Ten: Learning to Receive Comfort: I Know How You Feel

Chapter Eleven: Special Days: When They’re Not So Special Anymore

Chapter Twelve: Small Steps, Big Gains: Self-Care Is Not Optional

Chapter Thirteen: Signs and Epiphanies: On the Lookout for Everyday Miracles

Part Three: Special Needs

Chapter Fourteen: Loss of Identity: During Grief, We Ask,Who Am I Now?

Chapter Fifteen: Marriage Amid Misery: Can We Make It?

Chapter Sixteen: Suicide, the Ultimate Tragedy: The Aftermath Leads to a Prevailing Question—Why?

Chapter Seventeen: Complicated Grief: When Emotional Pain Turns Physical

Part Four: Finding Meaning

Chapter Eighteen: Celebrating Those Lost Too Soon: Funerals, Memorials, and Other Tributes

Chapter Nineteen: Shaping Our Worries into Prayers: Though God Seems Silent, He Listens Closely to Our Heartfelt Words

Chapter Twenty: Praise the Lord: You May Not Feel Like It But Try to Do It Anyway

Chapter Twenty-One: The Impossible Promise of Romans 8:28: What Good Can Possibly Come of This?

Chapter Twenty-Two: Let’s Dance: It’s Time to Let Some Joy Back In

Chapter Twenty-Three: Lift up Your Eyes: Draw Courage from KnowingYour Story Has Just Begun

Epilogue: The Early Years: Childhood Hardships Build Resilience for Later Heartaches

About the Author

Endnotes

Introduction

From Heartache to Healing

You come to this book with a broken heart, crushed dreams, and a deeply wounded spirit. You come not looking for quick fixes or magic formulas to overcome sorrow—because you know there are none. You come, I believe, seeking a small measure of comfort and humble guidance offered by someone who has walked the long path of sorrow and can put an arm around you as you attempt steps forward.

Perhaps you have not lost a child; you have lost your dearest friend, your husband, a parent, your job, or your health. You, too, have an empty place in your heart. You, too, are asking the questions that accompany grief. This book is also for you.

It takes courage even to take this step of reading about the journey ahead. And I commend your bravery for picking up a book on grief and healing. I say that because as much as I love books—and I do love books—I found it impossible to read after losing my child.

When I was young, my mother escorted me downtown to the Tyrrell Public Library every two weeks. There, I would carefully select the maximum number of books allowed to get me through until our next visit. I loved the way the books looked, the way they smelled, and the way they felt. Mostly I loved the people and animals that lived within their pages.

My favorite section of the library held the orange biographies, a fictionalized series on famous Americans. I wanted to read every one of them, and there were hundreds.

From books, I learned not to tell a lie and that some pigs are terrific, radiant, and humble. I learned that women could fly and that slavery was wrong. Books helped me raise my babies, taught me to cook, and encouraged me on the narrow way of faith. Books have blessed me in innumerable ways.

Like many ardent readers, I have always wanted to write a book. Writing has always seemed the ultimate way to enter the lives of others and to make a difference. I imagined myself writing a self-help book about taking care of aging parents or fashion design or maybe even a cookbook. Never did I imagine that my book would focus on the topic of losing a child.

Following the death of our youngest son, friends arrived with armloads of books on grief and mourning. I could not read them. The traumatic stories of others were more than I could absorb. I didn’t care if and how others had lost their loved ones. The loss experienced by my husband and me was the only one that mattered.

Reading is difficult in the midst of grief because concentration is impaired, to put it mildly. Grieving is more demanding and more exhausting than we could ever imagine. There is a preoccupation with all we have lost. It is as though our minds have no space for any other thoughts—nor does anything else have meaning. And yet, there exists a desperation to understand what is happening and where it is all leading us.

In an effort to make this book helpful and easily read, I have structured the material in short chapters. These are like a string of beads—separate writings strung together to create a lifeline to grasp and pull you forward.

Also included are musical suggestions for listening at your own time and convenience. I recommend these because I found that the pain of grief cries out for musical accompaniment. Music helps us to feel the sadness, express it, and move through it. Music is healing and therapeutic, bringing peace to anguished hearts. The songs are accessible on YouTube. If it’s too much for you right now, listening is not required.

Feel free to jump around on these pages or to read straight through. The story of our losses is told briefly at the beginning of the book in the first three chapters. If you would prefer to go right to my gentle reflections and practical guidance, feel free to skip over the stories and come back to them another time.

This book has taken me more than twenty years to write. It began in countless journal entries and scribbled notes from my darkest days. I am not a psychiatrist nor a psychologist, although I have met with many bereaved parents. And by now, I have