Love Me Never Leave Me: Discovering the Inseparable Bond That Our Hearts Crave

By Marilyn Meberg

Caught off guard, surprised by their own reactions, emotions bubble up that women fight to smother. Where did that come from?What can I do with this feeling that won’t go away?Why do I feel and act this way?

Counselor Marilyn Meberg has been there too. When she got pregnant, she got scared. When her baby girl died, she got angry. When her husband died, she battled loneliness and sorrow. In between the peaks and valleys, Marilyn began to see a pattern that led to a greater understanding of herself and a richer happiness in life.

She says, “We crave connection with the ones we love most, and when our bond with them is broken, damaged, or threatened, we fear being left. We fear abandonment.”

Love Me, Never Leave Me tells you that desiring a love that never leaves is natural, that there are ways to turn feelings of being abandoned into experiences of emotional abundance, and to know that you are God’s beloved child—and he will never leave you or forsake you.

 "Thanks Marilyn for helping me make some sense to me. What a relief! Everyone I know is going to love this book. And you make me laugh. That's my kind of reading! By the way, I recommend people read in a room with chocolate cupcakes nearby. They'll know what I'm talking about as soon as they start the book; everybody's doing it." ?Sherri Shepherd, actress and co-host of The View

"I do not know one single person who has not felt forgotten or abandoned sometime in life. I so recommend Marilyn's fantastic book. It is helping me way more than I even thought I needed. Grab a cupcake and settle in with me for a healing read. You'll thank me I promise!" ?Sandi Patty, singer, writer, speaker

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Feb 22, 2010
• ISBN: 9781418536688

Marilyn Meberg

Marilyn Meberg is a captivating speaker, a coauthor of various Women of Faith devotionals, and the author of "I’d Rather Be Laughing and Choosing the Amusing." She lives in Frisco, TX.

Book preview

LOVE ME

NEVER

LEAVE ME

OTHER BOOKS BY MARILYN MEBERG

Free Inside and Out

Since You Asked: Answers to Women’s

Toughest Questions on Relationships

God at Your Wits’ End: Hope for Wherever You Are

Assurance for a Lifetime: Knowing and Living

in the Confidence of Christ

The Decision of a Lifetime: The Most

Important Choice You’ll Ever Make

The Zippered Heart: Healing for the Secrets We Hide Inside

Choosing the Amusing

I’d Rather Be Laughing

0849919517_ePDF_0004_002

© 2008 by Marilyn Meberg

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc. titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail [e-mail].

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations used in this book are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation (NLT), © 1996 by Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois. Used by permission.

Other Scripture quotations are taken from the following sources:

The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

The King James Version of the Bible (KJV).

The Living Bible (TLB), © 1971, Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois. Used by permission. The Message (MSG), © 1993. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

New American Standard Bible (NASB), © 1960, 1977, 1995 by the Lockman Foundation.

New Century Version, (NCV) © 1987, 1988, 1991 by Word Publishing, a division of Thomas Nelson, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

The New King James Version (NKJV®), © 1979, 1980, 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Publishers.

Names and details in some anecdotes and illustrations have been changed to protect identities or may be composites or hypothetical examples drawn from the author’s personal and professional experiences.

Page Design by Casey Hooper

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Meberg, Marilyn.

  Love me never leave me : discovering the inseparable bond our hearts crave / Marilyn Meberg.

    p. cm.

  Includes bibliographical references.

  ISBN 0-8499-1951-7

  1. Loneliness--Religious aspects--Christianity. 2. Loss

  (Psychology)--Religious aspects--Christianity. 3. Rejection

  (Psychology)--Religious aspects--Christianity. 4. Separation

  (Psychology)--Religious aspects. 5. Spirituality. I. Title.

  BV4911.M43 2008

  248.8'6--dc22

2007042211

Printed in the United States of America

08  09  10  11  12  QW  6  5  4  3  2  1

In memory of my thirty years of marriage to

Ken Meberg.

You loved me, but you left me. You didn’t want to; I didn’t want

you to. Cancer took you away. But I’ll see you again in that place

where there is no leaving. So for now, you live in my forever memories.

When the time is right, babe, put the tea kettle on,

and we’ll share a cup. There’s lots to say and hear.

Love always . . .

CONTENTS

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Introduction: The Inseparable Bonds

Our Hearts Crave

PART 1. LEFT CLINGING TO HOPE

one The Look—and Feel—of Abandonment

two Tracking Tracers Back to Their Root

three The Womb Experience

four Mysteries of the Mind

five Our Intense Need for Connection

six Left by Death

seven When Kids Climb the Fence

eight You’ll Know When the Time Comes

nine When It Feels Like God Is Gone

ten Prayers Left Unanswered

PART 2. HOLDING ON TO WHAT’S LEFT

eleven Don’t Abandon Your Dreams

twelve Don’t Abandon the Reason You Were Born

Notes

Introduction

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THE INSEPARABLE BONDS

OUR HEARTS CRAVE

O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you.

My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you

in this parched and weary land where there is no water.

—PSALM 63:1

Before we get serious about the bonds our hearts crave, are you aware of the current taste treat our society is craving? It is the humble little cupcake. Cupcake shops are springing up all over the nation. People are willing to stand in long lines just for the ultimate pleasure of a rocky road, caramel apple, butter-cream delight, or even peanut-butter-and- jelly cupcake.

This growing phenomenon has been creating a buzz, ranging from those who say the cupcake fling is a fleeting fad . . . to those who maintain a cupcake is small, gourmet, better than a candy bar and, most of all, tastes like childhood. Bingo! I’m hooked on that explanation.

How well I remember purchasing the little devil’s food cupcake with a roof of white frosting from Boehm’s grocery store during my childhood. It delighted my soul and was eagerly consumed in the company of one or several of my classmates on our walk home from Amboy Elementary. Not only can I revisit that glorious taste treat, I also recall what I felt as I ate it. If only for a few hours, I was distracted from the bewilderment of my math class and the fear of the teacher who found me annoyingly unteachable. That cupcake security released my fears until 10:00 the next morning, when once again, I would settle into a haze of familiar math bewilderment.

The editor of a highly sophisticated food magazine states that the cupcake’s rise in popularity has to do with this nation’s longing for comfort and security. Because we’re living in a time of international threats, both politically and economically, people want to be transported back to a time when they and their country were innocent. I understand that possible explanation for our renewed appreciation of the simple little cupcake, but the truth is, our desire for security from a fearful environment is as old as Adam and Eve. There has never been a time when we were not fearful about something. Much as I wanted to believe my cupcake security blanket would shelter me from the math travails of the next day, reality forced me to recognize my taste treated the symptom but did not provide the cure.

The cure for Marilyn would have been a clear and competent math mind. Unfortunately, that cure never appeared. I’ve given up finding it. However, I have not given up the comfort of a gooey, luscious, chocolate-fudge cupcake. You’ll never convince me cupcakes will not be on the menu in heaven. Of course the heavenly element is that there will be no price to pay from calories or cavities.

I hope the book you are holding in your hands will prove to be as security-producing as a richly flavorful chocolate cupcake. There is no doubt we live in a world from which we often want to retreat and simply pretend tomorrow may allow us to pursue our innocent pleasures instead of demanding requirements beyond our capabilities. But I think it’s possible to have our cupcake and eat it too. In other words, we can have security in this life and not have the foundation of that security yanked from us, as it was for me at 10:00 a.m. each day. God has clearly stated certain promises in the Bible that He means to be security producers in spite of circumstances. For example, Psalm 9:10 states, Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O LORD, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you.

Now, I have to admit I felt totally abandoned in Mrs. Stealthway’s math class. (Of course that’s not her real name. She still makes me nervous, even in memory.) But feeling abandoned was simply that: a feeling. In reality, I was not abandoned, but reality did nothing to comfort me then. It felt like abandonment, and when something feels like abandonment . . . it must be abandonment (following our usual logic of, If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, it must be a duck). But in my child mind I hadn’t a clue what the word abandonment meant. I only knew I felt utterly left behind, beyond rescue with no mathematically inclined duck in sight.

If I were a betting woman, I’d be willing to wager you too have experienced abandonment feelings but perhaps didn’t recognize the word that labeled what you were experiencing. As a result, you may not know some of what you do, think, and feel today comes from abandonment experiences.

You may be muttering, The last thing I could possible be feeling is abandoned. I’m married and have kids, friends, a busy job and church life. I even have neighbors . . . too many neighbors. So I can tell you for sure I do not feel abandoned. Robinson Crusoe might have been abandoned, but I’m not and never have been.

As I’ve been writing this book and telling a few people the topic is abandonment, the invariable question I receive is why? What kind of topic is that? people want to know. Are you writing for orphans or babies left on doorsteps? Are you planning on reaching only a small percentage of readers? Why don’t you write about something all people struggle with, like depression, loneliness, marriage, divorce, kids, friends, parenting, jobs? You know, the usual stuff.

This book addresses all that stuff, but I want to suggest that the greatest fear each of us on this planet struggles with is abandonment. It influences all the usual-stuff responses we have. Maybe we haven’t known what to call that unexpected and sometimes overwhelming emotion we suddenly experience that makes us feel like we’re hanging on to our sanity for dear life. But the fear of losing what we want and need—whether it has to do with a friend, husband, or parent—is so profound, our psyche comes up with a gazillion defenses to protect us from those uncomfortable or disturbing feelings. One of the most common ways we try to ward off the dreadful feeling of abandonment is to desperately try to control everything in our lives. You’ve heard of the controlling mother, wife, friend, husband, boss, daughter.

What is the need to control all about? You may be surprised to have me tell you it’s about warding off the feeling of abandonment. As unlikely as this may seem to you now, I truly believe such feelings as the need to control can have an abandonment root. In this book I hope to help you trace those feelings and behaviors back to that root and then help you reprocess the event to lessen its negative impact on your life. Here’s a little sample of how we’ll dig out and reconsider an abandonment root. Since we’re talking about the issue of a controlling personality, let’s see how that behavior might come about as the symptom of a deeper fear of abandonment.

When we lose something or someone we want and need, we experience loss, which causes us to feel disconnected. When we lose our physical or emotional connectedness, it’s like losing our anchor. (I talk about this a lot in chapter 5.) We were created for connectedness, and disconnectedness can create panic. We were never created for isolation. So when we lose connection, we may experience abandonment, meaning we feel on our own, not connected, with nothing and no one to hang on to.

So what do we do? We try to gain control over as many circumstances as possible. If we are in control—calling the shots—perhaps we can prevent feeling lost and abandoned. That feeling of hanging tightly to the reins of our kids, our job, our spouse, our friends—whatever—gives us a sense of security, so we control it all until something or someone breaks loose. Then the panic of abandonment occurs.

Abandonment experiences are far broader than being left on a doorstep or becoming an orphan. Abandonment feelings can come from a husband who is too busy to listen, a child who leaves home and rarely calls, a body no longer able to fight disease, dreams that do not come true, and even a God who seems not to hear. (We talk about those themes throughout the book.)

Generally this abandonment stuff plays out in ways we don’t understand: in feelings and behaviors that make no sense. In my experience, for example, I’ve suddenly felt grief-stricken when everyone around me was laughing, though I might have been laughing myself a split-second before the grief unexpectedly enveloped me. Or I’ve worked much harder than necessary to prove I could accomplish something academically. I’ve felt lonely while surrounded by people who love me, and I’ve felt insecure when I’ve had every reason to feel confident.

When those unexpected feelings sweep through me like a tidal wave clearing the beach, I’m left standing by myself on a lonely desert island of emotions wondering, Where did that come from? This is stupid . . . what’s wrong with me?

I believe abandonment stuff has left us all high and dry on an occasional emotional desert island. My guess is that you too know how it feels to be dragged off into a bottomless abyss by a rip current of darkness that then hurled you back into normal life, where you stood on the empty beach totally exhausted and puzzled, wondering, What was that all about? (I describe my own unexpected empty-beach rip current in chapter 6. I never saw the rip tide coming.)

That’s the thing about the way an abandonment issue can creep up on us. We don’t see it rolling in. We don’t know what it is, and we don’t know what to do with it once it’s knocked us down.

The whole issue of abandonment has to be identified and then understood. This is the good news of God-assisted enlightenment. It is possible to understand these weird and unexpected rip currents, and it’s also possible to not get knocked down by them. How? By figuring out what we’re feeling and then tracing those feelings back to their root. That process helps us understand why we’re feeling the way we do. With that insight we can learn to manage the way we respond to those Where-did-that-come- from? feelings whenever they gang up like a tidal wave and threaten to wash us off the beach again.

Most of those mysterious, out-of-the-blue feelings and behaviors are rooted in fear—innate fear that the bonds holding us close to someone we love will be broken. Or we may be reacting because those bonds are already lost