A Father's Grief: A Year of Healing

By Brad Benton

As a healthcare professional, I am with families at some of the lowest moments of their lives. During my time with the Benton family, I witnessed an outpouring of love that was like no other. While caring for Lindsay, our team was touched and forever changed. Mr. Bentons blog has given me a chance to glimpse into his heart and know that I now have a different perspective from which to base the care I offer to patients and their families in the Intensive Care Unit.
Neta A. Greenlief, RN, BSN, NE-BC
After caring for Lindsay and her family, I found my passion in nursing. Researching and learning ways to allow for medical teams to better connect with their patients and families has become my calling as a nurse. I want all patients and their families to feel that their medical team is not only caring for them but also standing beside them through this journey. Lindsay has inspired me to find ways to see this goal through.
Elizabeth Mills, RN, BSN, CCRN
Mr. Benton, Your blogs gave great insight and truly show how our love for our children endure forever! Through you, I saw a fathers love grow to the point it poured over into the hearts of others who never even met Ms.Lindsay. What a tremendous testimony Lindsay left for us all!
Rodney Pilson, Family Care Coordinator Carolina Donor Services
I was one of the nurses privileged to care for Lindsay. The most profound impact for me was Lindsays entire family. The family was the best I have seen in my career and that strength lasted through the entire week of Lindsays stay in my unit. They impressed me with their unity, love and support for one another. That love was like nothing I had ever seen in such a dark time. They drew me into their family and kept me there. This love for me was a guide in reaching out to my own family that had kept themselves at a distance from me and for this I owe a debt of gratitude to Lindsays family. Lindsay was a loved, blessed young lady to have the parents, step-parents, brother and extended family that she had.
Deani Gaskins, RN
Im not very good at putting my thoughts in words which is what I so appreciate about your blog your words are healing & touches the deepest part of my heart. The learning to live the rest of our lives without our children with us here on earth is more than I thought I would be able to bear but here I am almost 14 years later, living, remembering, loving my daughter that is living and finding joy amongst the tears remembering my sweet boy.
Diane English Hutchens

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Sep 12, 2018
• ISBN: 9781973638988

Brad Benton

He is not an accredited author, or famous novelist. He is a fifty-three-old father, with no particular claim to fame. He is a man that works hard and believes there is some good in everything. A father of two, son Jarrett and daughter Lindsay. A father that on August 28, 2016 lost his seventeen-year-old daughter. Born and raised in Leland N.C. a small town close to the shores of the Atlantic Ocean. Currently married to his wife Kelli, and together they have 5 children and one grandson. He is a man of honor, integrity and believes, since the loss of his daughter, finding triumph among the tragedy is his connection to purpose.

Book preview

A

FATHER’S

GRIEF

A YEAR OF HEALING

BRAD BENTON

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Copyright © 2018 Brad Benton.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-9736-3897-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-3899-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-3898-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018910800

WestBow Press rev. date: 09/12/2018

Contents

Foreword

Preface

I’d Like to Introduce Myself June 25, 2017

Before You Speak to a Grieving Parent July 2, 2017

A Few Heroes Behind the Scene July 9, 2017

A Thousand Little Things July 16, 2017

Fears July 23, 2017

The Poem July 30, 2017

A Graduate, a Smile and Another Hero August 6, 2017

These Days August 12, 2017

Tomorrow August 20, 2017

Tomorrow Part II August 27, 2017

Forever A Patriot September 3, 2017

Walking Transformation September 10, 2017

Angry? September 17, 2017

A Foundation For A Foundation September 24, 2017

Thank You October 1, 2017

Dysfunctionality October 8, 2017

Strength October 15, 2017

Connection To Purpose October 22, 2017

Advice For My 21-Year-Old October 29, 2017

When All You Have Is Memories November 4, 2017

A Stepmother’s View November 12, 2017

Round Two November 18, 2017

Chiseled In Stone November 25, 2017

20/20 December 2, 2017

Candle To Candle December 10, 2017

We Are Doing The Best We Can December 18, 2017

Merry Christmas December 24, 2017

Where There Is Life, There Is Hope December 31, 2017

Solitaire January 7, 2018

List January 15, 2018

It’s Good To See You Again January 21, 2018

The Bracelet January 28, 2018

My Club February 4, 2018

…until 6 February 11, 2018

Be A Donor February 25, 2018

Hold That Memory In Your Hand March 4, 2018

Thank A Spark Plug March 11, 2018

The Pain Is Still The Same March 18, 2018

The Seed March 25, 2018

Time April 1, 2018

Reflection April 8, 2018

Steps April 15, 2018

Three Letters April 22, 2018

Dance April 27, 2018

Be Patient

Happy Mother’s Day May 13, 2018

Where Would You Be Today? May 20, 2018

Filling In For Brad This Week Is His Wife May 27, 2018

Masterpiece June 3, 2018

Mine For A Lifetime June 10, 2018

How Do You Do It? June 16, 2018

Blink Of An Eye June 24, 2018

Afterword

About the Author

Foreword

I have been blessed to know Brad Benton, however it is one of those blessings I wish I had never received. I wish the two of us had gone through our lives blissfully never knowing the other. If we had never met, this book would never have been written and Brad would have had his beloved Lindsay Lou. Brad’s courage has allowed me to see the grieving process from his personal, but unwanted perspective. His writing has giving me the courage to approach the families that I work with differently, with understanding that I did not have previously. He has been able to share the pain, grief, guilt, denial and frustration that permeate a parent through the loss a of a child. Although there is no guide or process to grieve the right way, I feel that his writing helps grieving parents as well as their support structure and everyone involved to better understand. I am proud of Brad, and I am glad and honored, that Lindsay’s legacy lives on.

George VanBuren Huffmon III, MD, FACS

Preface

My name is Brad Benton and I am the father of two. Jarrett, my oldest, is currently a student at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. He is an amazing musician and has one of the largest hearts I have ever seen. I love this young man with a love that goes beyond words. I am also the father of Lindsay. I, along with my entire family, lost Lindsay at the age of seventeen. On August 21, 2016 she was in a severe traffic accident that caused a traumatic brain injury. After a week in the hospital, a week in which she never regained consciousness, we lost our Lindsay.

What you are about to read is not a normal book, it does not tell a continuous story. This book is made up of one years’ worth of blogs. Blog’s I began to write as therapy for myself and to try and help others understand how a father copes with grief. This book of blogs does tell the story of how a young seventeen-year-old girl, through her own death, saved and changed the lives of so many.

Thank you for reading A Fathers Grief. A percentage of the sales will go to support the Lindsay M. Benton Foundation and it’s endeavors to continue the legacy of my Lindsay Lou and the charities she worked with.

This book is dedicated to:

The memory and legacy of

my daughter Lindsay Benton.

The vision and dreams of my son Jarrett.

The unconditional love, comfort, and endless encouragement of my wife Kelli.

The support of every member of my family who has helped me through a parent’s worst nightmare.

Jarrett and Lindsay’s mother, Kellie, who brought these two wonderful people into this world.

The staff at New Hanover Regional Medical Center for the care and compassion shown to Lindsay and my family.

Carolina Donor Services for the kind and caring way they helped fulfill a young lady’s dream.

Every person who shook my hand, hugged my neck, and said a prayer for my entire family to find peace in the midst of a tragedy.

Every parent who walks this long, lonely, heart-wrenching road of grief.

Image1.JPG

Lindsay Michelle Benton

1998-2016

I’d Like to Introduce Myself

JUNE 25, 2017

My daughter Lindsay was in a car accident in August of 2016, the Sunday before the first day of her senior year. After an emergency surgery and a week in intensive care, she passed away. She was seventeen years old.

Lindsay was a lifetime student at Wilmington Christian Academy and was set to be co-captain of the school’s cheerleading squad. She aspired to become a doctor, a saver of lives, and a leader in the medical field. She always felt called to the medical field, though it changed from one concentration to another until she attended the National Youth Leadership Forum for Medicine at Chapel Hill the month before her accident. During those nine days at UNC she decided she wanted to be a Trauma Surgeon. My favorite message from her during that week was, Dad, I am having the time of my life.

She had an infectious smile, a steely stare, and a contagious, room-shattering laugh. She could melt your heart or make you pound your fist against the wall. She would debate any topic without giving up until her point was proven. She would hold the smallest of creations with the gentlest hands but beat a punching bag until her knuckles bled - and she used gloves. She was a friend, a leader, a captain, an advocate, a lover of life and of her guinea pigs. She was also a daughter, and sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, and a friend to many. She was my little girl, she was a big part of my heart, she was my Lindsay Lou.

As parents we think we know our children, but we have come to find we had no idea just how many lives our daughter had touched. What a blessing it has been to meet so many wonderful people through this journey. We have heard story after story of her therapy sessions, her kindness to strangers, and her ability to bring reason to difficult situations. To quote one of her tweets, Don’t ever argue with me, you will lose (I assume she wasn’t including me in that tweet). She was a tenacious, headstrong, and independent young woman who had her entire life planned out. More than anything else, she wanted to help people. She wanted to use her passion to be the best possible surgeon, and she wanted to mend broken lives. In her passing, that dream was fulfilled through organ donation.

Although we miss Lindsay dearly, her legacy lives on through the Lindsay M. Benton Cheer and Art Fund at Wilmington Christian Academy in adjacent with the Lindsay M. Benton Foundation. The Cheer and Art Fund was established to help cheerleaders and parents at WCA. Our goal, through this fund, is to help with the cost parents incur, to help the cheerleaders to purchase more equipment, help with travel expenses, and hopefully allow them to be the absolute best they can be. Being the best you can be, after all, was what Lindsay always wanted.

Additionally, the Lindsay M. Benton Foundation was established to bring awareness to organ donation and the importance of donor registration. The Foundation also financially contributes to Carolina Donor Services, Pretty in Pink, The New Hanover County Special Olympics, as well as the Lindsay M Benton Cheer and Art fund at Wilmington Christian Academy.

Please take time to view the web site at www.lindsaymbentonfoundation.com. The website has more stories, photos and important information about our annual volleyball fundraiser and donor registration.

Before You Speak to a Grieving Parent

JULY 2, 2017

Everything I am writing refers to the days and weeks following the loss of a child. This is a time period in which a grieving parent truly can’t answer the many questions so many are asking, because they themselves are looking for answers.

Before August 28th, 2016 I would have said all the things that so many have said to me over the past ten months. All the things that are traditional, that are easy to say, or may be the first thing to naturally pop in your mind. These are things we have all said so many times over the years without truly considering the grieving parent’s state of mind. Now, as a grieving parent, all those good intentions sound so different. Before Lindsay passed away I never tried to put myself in the same mind frame or emotional state as the grieving parent I was about to speak to.

Please, please understand I am so very thankful for all the love and support I received following Lindsay’s death and will continue to receive the rest of my life. I have written so much throughout this first year: speeches, poems, comments, etc. I cannot reiterate enough how important it is to me that no one takes what I am saying personally. Don’t look back to any of our conversations and wonder Did I say that? You may have said it, but so would I before Lindsay passed away. My point is, in the future, take a minute to put yourself in their shoes and think before you speak.

How are you doing?

This is a common question that gets asked so many times following a tragedy, sickness, or simply a long span of time between meetings. It acts as a conversation starter, and sometimes the speaker doesn’t necessarily want an answer, it’s simply a politeness. However, as a grieving parent your initial reaction is to say, How do you think I am doing? As a parent who has just lost a child you have no idea how you are doing, or most of the time, what you are doing. You are just…doing. I heard this question so many times immediately after Lindsay passed away and every time the answer was the same, I am doing the best I can.

How are you doing, is a question, another question on top of the millions of questions that a parent has swirling around in their mind like a tornado. Why did this happen, why my son, why my daughter, why now, what am I going to do, how am I going to function? These are a fraction of the millions of questions in a parent’s already frazzled brain.

Instead, try saying, How are you doing, today? That word "today" makes all the difference in the world. I could do today, I was able to stop, think for a second and tell them how I was doing at that particular moment. Better yet, try and think of a way to make that question a statement. They have enough to process at the moment. Tell them what you want them to know. I hope you are doing as well as you can today. No words have to be spoken after this statement is made, a smile and a nod may be all the parent is capable of at that moment. Follow their lead, they will talk and reach out when they are ready.

I know how you feel.

Unless you have also lost a child, you have no idea how a parent is feeling. You cannot in any way, shape, or form even fathom what is in that parent’s heart, mind, and soul. The hurt, the loss, the anger, the fear, the denial, the emptiness, there is nothing to compare it to. This part of your being, this person that you watched come into this world, your hopes, dreams, and future, are now gone from your everyday, gone from your tomorrow. All you have are memories from yesterday.

I have lost all my grandparents, a few of my aunts, uncles, and cousins, and although I loved them dearly there is no comparison. Please do not tell a grieving parent you know how they feel because you lost your grandmother who lived a long and full life. I am not belittling your grief, but it is such a different kind of grief. As much as it may have hurt, as much as you still miss them, there is no comparison. Take a moment and think, what if I had lost my son or my daughter, my every day, my tomorrow?

I read something I believe sums up what I am trying to say, When you bury your parents you are burying your past. When you bury your children, you are burying your future.

I miss (insert any living person) so much it hurts.

When I hear this statement is truly breaks my heart, but I know it isn’t said with a grieving parent in mind. As I have said before, a grieving parent is in a totally different state of mind. I completely understand that it can hurt to miss someone who is still living on this earth. I went through this when Jarrett and Lindsay’s mom and I divorced. I missed them so much it did hurt. I know there are mothers, fathers, grandparents, and siblings who all feel the same way. The difference is there is somewhat of a remedy to this separation. Everyone who misses someone who is still living can pick up any phone and call them, text them, facetime with them, Skype with them. You can get in a car, on a train, a boat, or on a plane and go see them. You can carry on a conversation, look at pictures or watch videos of what they did yesterday. My son is twenty years old and lives with his mother and step-father. He comes over a few times a week and stays with my wife and I. I miss him every day he isn’t here, but it’s a relief to know he will be here on certain days. A grieving parent can’t call, text, facetime, Skype, or travel to see their child. They travel to a cemetery and stare at a grave holding hopes and dreams that will never be, and all the things that will never happen: graduations, proms, college, marriage, and grandchildren. I know what it feels like to miss the living, but I am also the father of a 17-year-old who left this world far too soon. So, I know what it’s like to miss someone so bad it hurts.

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