Gourmet Confessions of a Supermodel: The World’S Most Beautiful Chef, Divina Noxema Vasilina, Presents

By Jean Philippe Laplagne and Rae Crosson

The Worlds Most Beautiful Chef, Divina Noxema Vasilina, presents Gourmet Confessions of a Supermodel is a humorous, campy treatment of a deliciously serious subject: the art of cooking and entertaining. Presented as a parody of the celebrity, tell-all biography, Miss Divina shares her favorite recipes and tricks of the trade. The way to a mans heart is, after all, through his stomach. The recipes, however, are no joke. They are simple, delicious preparations with choices appropriate to any occasion.
Jean Philippe Laplagne is a former caterer and seasoned home cook who loves to laugh just as much as he loves to cook. Presented in the fictional voice of the worlds most beautiful chef, Miss Divina Noxema Vasilina, Laplagne shares a collection of mouth-watering recipes peppered with hilarious essays by Miss Divina that include valuable tips for both cooking and entertaining.
Laplagne combines original, unpretentious recipes with recipes from his childhood that will help both novice and experienced chefs glide through cocktail and meal preparation and cook confidently whether for a casual dinner or a multi-course dinner party. His delectable recipes include Spicy Mexican Pool-Boy Bean Dip, Cattle Call Chicken Gumbo, Seorita Chica-Dees Tortilla Seafood Salad, For Whom the Turkey-Stuffed Bell Peppers Toll, Sexy-Swedish-Model Meatballs with Noodles, Vivacious Italian Veggie Pizza, and Baked Sin-A-Man Apples. At the end of many recipes is a Supermodel Hint that offers helpful tips and humorous advice from Miss Divinas confidante, Blanche Itche.
In this entertaining cookbook, a former caterer and chef shares recipes and gourmet confessions that lead home cooks of all levels on a fascinating journey to create fabulous meals.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Aug 3, 2018
• ISBN: 9781532046360

Jean Philippe Laplagne

Jean Philippe (JP) Laplagne has nurtured a love of cooking ever since he was inspired by his mother at an early age. He ran a catering company in Washington, D.C., serving his specialties at private parties and Fortune 500 events. Laplagne has lived in Portland, New York City, Washington, D.C., and San Diego. His hobbies include travel, gardening, reading, photography, and biking. He currently resides in the Pacific Northwest.

Book preview

Copyright © 2018 Jean Philippe Laplagne.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Art and photos: Jean Philippe Laplagne

Editing: Jean Philippe Laplagne

Illustrations: Rae Crosson

Book cover and contents design: Dodger Design Studio

Art Director: Jean Philippe Laplagne

iUniverse

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Images are being used for illustrative purposes only. Certain stock imagery © Gettyimages.com, 123rf.com, and istockphoto.com.

ISBN: 978-1-5320-4635-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-4637-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-4636-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018906261

iUniverse rev. date: 09/07/2018

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To my delicious mama

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I’d like to dedicate this cookbook to the one woman who is even more beautiful than Miss Divina—my late mother, Yvonne. She gets first billing. Not one to crave fame, she probably would have been hiding at the back of the room and the paparazzi would have racked her nerves. It is hard having a supermodel in the family! Well, I’m not really a supermodel.

From an early age, my mother supported my creative side and encouraged me to be what I wanted to be. She was there for me in my times of need and gave support throughout my life. She inspired me to be a better person. Who I am today is because of her. She was my rock and moral guide in life. I hope I can be even half the wonderful person she was. She was a tangible reason Mother’s Day exists. She always gave me her unconditional love and I am eternally grateful for her. I am blessed that she was my mother. I and my family will always miss her.

Contents

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Contents

Preface

Acknowledgments

Introducing Miss Divina

Start with Two Cups of Divina

I’m a Diva like No Other!

Dear Little Blanche

Fifteen Suitcases and Four Miles High, a Reflection

The Best Is Yet to Come

The Perfetta Evening

It Starts at the Door

My Magical Touch

The In Crowd—Inviting the Right Guests

Setting the Right Atmosphere

Going All the Way

Let the Party Begin

Be Interesting!

Recipes for a Successful You

A Script for a Complete Woman

The Bellissima You!

For Whom Do You Dress?

The Divina Diet

My Program for a Sexy Figure

Fragrance Is Feminine

Put Some Color into Your Spirits

Moving In for the Kill

Finally, Applause, a Bow … and Solitude

Cool Cocktails

Libations to Enliven the Evening

Cocktail Glass Guide

Afternoon Delight

Americano Highball

Angel’s Kiss

Bar Slut

Between the Sheets

Big Banana Dick-iri

Bikini Martini

Bloody Mary

Breakfast Martini

Champagne Cocktail

Coco Chanel Martini

Cupid Cocktail

Dirty Sicilian

Devil’s Tail

Earthquake Cocktail

French Martini

Harvey Wallbanger

Italian Stallion

London Buck

Maiden’s Blush

Manhattan

Mimosa

Napoleon Cocktail

New Orleans Buck

New York Cocktail

Nympho

Opera Cocktail

Orgasm

Parisian Cocktail

Pink Panty Dropper

Pink Pussycat Cocktail

Queens Cocktail

Satan’s Whiskers

Sex on the Beach

Sex on the Snowbank

Slippery Nipple

Sloe Comfortable Screw

Snow Bunny

Wedding Bells Cocktail

Widow’s Dream

Wintery Candy Cane Martini

Zaza Cocktail

Refreshing Summer Waters

The Lady and the Ladle

Serving the Purr-fect Menu

Tasty Hors d’Oeuvres

Whetting Their Appetites

Alta Moda Bruschetta with Olive Tapenade and Shrimp

Barbie Q. Oysters with Lemon Brine

Catherine The Great’s Chilled Crab Dip

Catwalk Coconut-Turkey Meatballs in Mushroom Sauce

Critic’s Choice Chicken Wings

Elvira’s Escargots

Fashionista Smoked Salmon Pâté

Grilled Tuna–Stuffed Eggs to Reel Him In

Hoarding-the-Spotlight Ham Rolls

Jenn Durr’s Lobster-Stuffed Eggs

Ladybug Mozzarella and Tomato

Miss Kitty Hawke’s Stuffed Clams

My-Film-Has-Been-Panned Pizza Dip

No-No Nanette’s La Tomate et Bleu Dip

Old Appian Way Country Pâté

Old Roma Goat Cheese and Figs

One Cheesy Cheese Ball

Pâté Supermodel Laplagne

Provence-Girl Prawn and Scallop Fondue

She-Deviled Eggs des Pyrénées

Signorina Canta Elopé’s Prosciutto and Melon

Silky Satin Cheese Fondue

Spicy Mexican Pool-boy Bean Dip

Steal His Art-ichoke Dip

Stuffed Mush-Rumors

Sugar-Daddy Sandwich

Sweet-and-Dour Meatballs

The Grapes, That’s a Wrap!

The Queen’s Tea Sand-Wishes

Sinful Soups

Turn on the Heat in the Kitchen

Big, Burly Boy Beef Barley Soup

Cattle-Call Chicken Gumbo

Cool-as-a-Creamy-Cucumber Soup

Creamy Spinach and Pea Soup à la Von Stieger

Crème de la Crème Chestnut Soup

Dizzy Dazie’s Delicious, Hearty Bean Soup

Don’t-Leek-This-Out Soup à la Madame Yvonne

Ginger-Man Irish Potato and Italian Sausage Soup

Haute Couture Creamy and Silky Asparagus Soup

Hermine’s Tomato-Herb Soup

Il Postino and the Farmer’s Daughter’s Gazpacho

Make-My-Mouth-Water-melon Gazpacho

Manolo’s Kicky Corn and Crab Bisque

Muscleman Cream of Spinach Soup

No-More-Clammy-Hands Chowder

Onion Soup That’ll Make Him Cry for More

Pumpkin Soup He’ll Fall For

Spicy Fruits de Mer Bouillabaisse

The Great Wall of Chinese Pork Noodle Soup

The-World-Is-My-Oyster Chowder

Tiffany’s Minestrone Zuppa

Tight-Dress Lobster Bisque

Superb Salads

The Gardens of Divina

Cary’s North-by-Northwest Chicken Salad

Cover Girl Grilled Chicken Salad

Donny and Marie Almond, Apple, and Blue Cheese Salad

Hail-Caesar Salad with Grilled Chicken

Is That a Cucumber and Sour Cream Salad in Your Pocket?

Jungle Red Oranges, Beets, and Cucumber Salad

Mad Men Iceberg Wedge Salad with Blue Cheese Dressing

Mandarin-Candidate Chicken Salad

Maserati’s Tomato and Mozzarella Salad

Mexican Riviera Tostada Salad

Nana’s Crab Salad

Papa’s Delicatessen Meat, Cheese, and Pasta Salad

Phi Beta Tomato and Cucumber Salad

Sashay! Shantay! Avocado–Blue Cheese Salad

Señorita Chica-Dee’s Tortilla Seafood Salad

She’s-a-Crazy-Nut-Crusted Tuna with Wild Greens

Signorina Divina’s Summery Mint-Watermelon Salad

Strong and Warmhearted Spinach Salad

Swimsuit-Issue Salad

Entertaining Entrées

Enter the Entrées

Poultry Dishes

Adobo Lourdes’s Fabulous Skillet Chicken

Au Gratin Chicken Bake Sale

Blue Velvet Cheese, Bacon, and Avocado, Turkey Burger

Calvin’s Chicken with Creamy Mushroom Sauce

Charlie’s Chicken and the Sea

Classic Cassoulet des Pyrénées

Coconut-Crusted Moroccan Chicken

Donnatella’s Mushroom-Spinach-Stuffed Chicken Breasts

Endora’s Cornish Game Hens

For Whom the Turkey-Stuffed Bell Peppers Toll

Freida Frenchy Frye’s Poulet avec Crème des Herbes

Hearty Man’s Chicken Potpie

Hollie Woode’s Roasted Chicken with Herbs

Jackie O’Nasty’s Lemon-Mustard Chicken

Marge Jurin’s Chicken Breast with Tarragon Sauce

Miss Hottkiss’s Honey-Sweet Balsamic Chicken

Pardoned-Turkey Tacos

Plus-Size Girl’s Chicken and Dumplings

Prosciutto-Stuffed Triple-D Chicken Breasts

Quickie-Mexican-Divorce Chicken-Enchilada Casserole

Sesame–Ginger Grant Mysterious Isle Chicken

Show-Us-Your-Bourbon Chicken and Sausage Jambalaya

Sum Yung Gi Stir-Fry Chicken

Fish and Seafood Dishes

Baked Trout with Mango Striptease Salsa

Beauty-Shot Baked Cod with Béarnaise Sauce Divine

Countess De Payne Oyster Bake with Havarti Cheese

Devilish Crab Bowl

Frita Lay’s Crab Enchiladas

Grilled Swordfish with Lady Wilde Mustard Sauce

Heavenly Sent Cod with Jesus-Walked-on-Water-cress Sauce

Hollie Butte (a Hell-of-a-Butt) Grilled Halibut

Jumbo Prawns, Scallops, and Sautéed Leeks to Stuff Your Cheeks

Sizzling Garlic Shrimp with Sesame and Ginger

Stuffed-Shirt Fashion Designer Fillet My Soul

Succulent Sea Scallops with Pink-Grapefruit Beurre Blanc

Temptation Tilapia with Lemon-Butter Sauce

Meat Dishes

Celebrity Pot Roast

Festive Sun-Dried Tomato Meatloaf

Gayle-Force-Winds Tortilla al Horno

Good and Chunky Chili Con Carne

Hearty Beefcake Stew

Hunnie Fay Baker Ham with Grand Marnier Glaze

Innocent-as-a-Lamb Stew

Just Grillin’ Rib Eye Steak with Blue Cheese

Jeanne’s Old-Fashioned-Girl Honeycombed Tripe Stew

Kickin’ Hot and Saucy Texas-Style Chili

Killed-the-Rabbit Stew

Mrs. Sippie’s Glazed Pork Chops

Nagatha’s Crispy Sesame-Beef-on-the-Orient Stir-Fry

Oven-Roasted Shapely Leg of Lamb

Pork Sausage Kiss-adillas

Sexy-Swedish-Model Meatballs with Noodles

Shannon O’Ennis’s Crispy Enchilada Casserole

Swiss-Bank-Account Steak à la Rosebud

The Sultan’s Harem Lamb Kebabs

Vaina Black’s Côte de Boeuf

You Big Oxtail Stew

Pasta Dishes

Luscious Lobster Risotto alla Parmigiana

Missy’s Comfort Mac and Cheese

My Italian Cousin René’s Sauce di Pomodoro

Nana’s Spinach Lasagna

Nooky Gnocchi di Alfredo

Oh Man! The Naughty Man-I-Caught-i

Rosie’s Salmon with Black-Tie Pasta

Stiletto Spaghetti with Clam Sauce

Stuff Your Man with This Turkey Manicotti

Pizza Dishes

Chauffeur’s Choice Pizzeria Crust

Farm-Fresh Goat Cheese and Caramelized Onion Pizza

Gorgonzola and Apricot Pizza-Boy Roberto

Gourmet-Chef Jumbo-Shrimp Pizza

Paparazzi Prosciutto Pizza

Thai-One-on Chicken Pizza

Veneziano Paradiso Pizza

Vivacious Italian Veggie Pizza

Sensational Sides

Sideliners

Betsey’s Better Buttery and Crusty Croutons

Bringing-Home-the-Bacon Cheddar Biscuits

Cheesy Broccoli, Mushrooms, and Rice Casserole

Chunky Plus-Size-Girl Blue Cheese Salad Dressing

Eastern Bloc Potato Salad

Gra-Tintin’s Little-Reporter Potatoes

Italiano Paesano Riso

Just-Peachy Applesauce

Mother-Agent Mashed Potatoes

Mr. Atkin’s Herbed Bambino Potatoes

Papa Guglielmo’s Summer Baked Beans

Providence Buttery Lobster Dinner Rolls

Sam Francisco’s Double-Stuffed Potato

String of Pearl Onions, Green Peas, and Bacon

That-Furry-Italian Garlic Bread

The Lady Sings the Blue Cheese Scalloped Potatoes

Twiggy Salty Breadsticks

Viva-Italia Vegetable Torte

Wild-Nights Rice with Golden Raisins

Zowie Zucchini Casserole

Zucchini Sliced-Up-the-Side Dress

Decadent Desserts

How Sweet It Is!

Cakes

Animal Crackers Strawberry Cake

Classic-Black-Dress Cheesecake

Dark-Chocolate Miniskirt Cake with Dark-Cherry Sauce

Lady Baltimore-Reade Cake

Lemon Meringue Triple-D Cupcakes

Lennoxia’s Café Cheesecake

Mocha Choco, She’s-an-Angel Cake

Pink Champagne and No-Caviar Cuppy Cakes

Signorina Divina’s Tangy Lemon Cheesecake

Strawberry Bouffant Cake

Tipsy Tower of Pisa Chocolate–Crème de Menthe Cheesecake

Yvonne’s Perfect Meringue

Chocolate Desserts

Blonde-Bombshell Brownies

Chocolate–Grand Marnier Pecan-atcha Balls

Cookies

Almond Be Enjoying These Cookies

Jackie Molasses Cookies

Lilly Whyte’s Chocolate-Peppermint Sugar Cookies

Love Child Granola Cookies

Mazy’s Simple Hazelnut-Lemon Shortbread Cookies

Ooh-La-La Chocolate-Oatmeal Cookies

Fruit Desserts

Baked Sin-a-Man Apples

Dolce Poached Pears with Raspberry Puree

I Oughta Grill Her Peaches! with Raspberry Puree

Perfectly Seductive Chocolate-Covered Strawberries

Sinfully Simple Homemade Watermelon Sorbet

Sister Mary Therese’s Peach Cobbler

Custard, Gelatins, and Mousses

Give Him the Raspberry-Chocolate Mousse

Hula-Hula Pineapple-Carrot Gelatin Salad

I Vant Bread Pudding

Mama Yvonne’s Cream Cheese–Lemon-Lime Gelatin

Stella Svelte’s Champagne-Lemon Mousse

Sybil’s Upside-Down Custard Caramel Cream

Pies

All-Buttered-Up Piecrust

Apple-of-My-Eye Mincemeat Pie

King Alfonso Cinnamon-Apple Pie

Patinka’s Southern Pecan Pie

Strawberry-Blonde Rhubarb Pie

That Tart! Lemon Meringue Pie

Bodaciously Bountiful Brunches

There’s Got to Be a Morning-After Menu!

Eggs

Chueca Breakfast Burrito

Divine Quiche Divina

Hurricane Katrina Huevos Rancheros

King Louis Lobster Quiche

Mile-High Quickie Quiche

Silky Soft-Boiled Eggs

Smoked-Salmon Eggs Divina over Baked Polenta

Zippy Zucchini Frittata

Main Courses and Essentials

A Man from Hollandaise Sauce

Béarnaise Sauce à la Divina

Casting Couch Crispy Crab Cakes

Lovely-You Morning Parfait

Paris-Runway Chicken Crepes

Potatoes

Hashtag Browned Potatoes

Precious and Popular Potato Pancakes

Sweet Breads

Apple-Peach Cinnamon Dolce Muffins

Don’t Scone Me, I’m Innocent!

Heroine’s Tart Lemon–Poppy Seed Bread

Jane Dough Zucchini Bread

Ohio Corn-Fed Hunk-of-a-Man Bread

That’s One Big Banana Bread in Your Pocket!

West Virginian Bumpkin Pumpkin Loaf

All about the Girl

That’s a Wrap!

Art and Photo Credits

Preface

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The original 1991 cookbook

My mother inspired my love of cooking at an early age. She is an incredible cook, and her meals are always made with love. Whether fancy or not, there was always a large variety of items on the menu during my childhood, including many family recipes handed down from my grandmother. I enjoyed helping out in the kitchen, and I was always ready to taste-test the batter! All the while I was under my mother’s feet in the kitchen, she was, unbeknownst to her, teaching me a valuable skill and talent that would blossom over the coming years.

I was a shy kid but learned at an early age the joy of making people laugh. I was known throughout elementary and high school as a funny guy, always with a smile on my face. That love for making people laugh helped influence my direction in life and helped form the basis of this book. My first introduction to cooking instructions outside the home was in elementary school in the class Bachelor Survival. I still get a kick out of the name of that class. But hey, you got to start somewhere!

My first attempts at cooking for others formally started once I moved out of the family house and into my first apartment while in college, where I was majoring in graphic design. Money was tight, so I learned how to be creative with my menus and ingredients. You can do a lot with potatoes!

Gradually, after many failed attempts and a few successes, I became a better cook. I discovered that I

wasn’t so bad in the kitchen. A few years later, after some successful dinners, friends and family were asking for

my recipes. After much prompting (by dear ole mama), I started to write down my recipes. As a result,

I accumulated many recipes, stashed away in binders and cookbooks.

I have lived in Portland, Oregon; New York; Washington, DC; and San Diego. Living in these great cities helped me develop and fine-tune my approach to life and my recipes. I’m always inspired by the places I’ve

called home and the creative people surrounding me.

Some years ago, at the request of a friend, I started a small catering business. It was just me cooking, setting up, and serving at my catered engagements. I was fortunate to cater events for a few Fortune 500 companies and small private clients. I always offered a wide variety of recipes and foods on my catering menu, often inspired by the delicious foods I grew up with.

I started this cookbook back in November 1991 as a holiday stocking stuffer gift. The computer was a new design tool for me. My first attempt at this book was a very simple spiral-bound book with sparse design elements and only thirty-one recipes (modeled after Baskin-Robbins’s 31 flavors). Each recipe section opened with a 1950s vintage photo of a woman with my cross-eyed and goofy face placed over the woman’s face. I have always believed that a good laugh is the best gift! The book was an immediate hit with friends and family. The images brought a lot of laughs, but the recipes were tried and true. I was encouraged to do more with the book. At that time, the Miss Divina character had not yet been created. With time and money being two strong forces in the world, the idea for a more elaborate book sat on the shelf for a number of years while I focused on other matters in my life. I always hoped to create something I would be pleased with and proud of, though, and my thoughts about this book were never too far back in my mind. My love for all things retro helped me in designing this book as well. It took time and a lot of tinkering to get this book to the bookshelves, but like a good simmering soup, it couldn’t be rushed.

You’re probably wondering about Miss Divina. She was inspired with the help of a special friend, Robert Greenblatt. Rob and I share the same sense of humor and same love of crazy voices. The characters of Miss Divina Noxema Vasilina and Blanche Itche are the result of our humorous back-and-forth bantering together. One day, while joking around, we created voices for two old aristocratic ladies that were always over-the-top polite to each other. From there the phrase You are so divine! was uttered, and the seed for Miss Divina’s character was planted. From divine grew Divina. Eventually, that led to the Noxema Vasilina portion of her name. To me, the two character names sound like the names of an Italian drag queen and an old hag. Without Rob’s jokes and laughter, Miss Divina Noxema Vasilina might never have come to fruition.

Most likely, you have a few good cookbooks in your kitchen already. This cookbook is a collection of my own original recipes with a few recipes from my family and friends sprinkled in here and there. Included are some recipes I grew up with that have fond memories attached to them of family dinners and holiday parties. We all have those favorite foods that take us back to our childhoods. Got that fuzzy feeling when you recall those foods? Within these pages, you’ll find recipes for delicious, simple home cooking and many tempting comfort foods we all love. I have created these recipes to be simple, easy to make, and unpretentious. You don’t always need a hundred steps or a hundred spices to make soup! These recipes are streamlined as much as possible to help the beginner and experienced chef glide through the preparation process. Easy-to-follow steps and helpful hints will help you cook successfully and confidently. And there is more! Miss Divina and Blanche Itche have whipped up some delicious hints to help you along the way—some serious, some humorous. I hope after reading some of the Supermodel Hints, you’ll have a few laughs!

Like many people, I’ve had many successes along the way and a few failures in my attempts at cooking. I still have some failed attempts with new recipes, and I still have to use a timer for boiling eggs in case I forget they are on the stove! Don’t give up! A delicious menu is right around the corner!

Whether you purchased this book or it was a gift, I hope you will find it a welcome addition to your cookbook collection, an enjoyable experience, and a resource you will use often. Enjoy the helpful and sometimes-humorous Supermodel Hints and, as I like to say, let your taste buds do the walking!

Acknowledgments

Many special people have given me love, support, and encouragement in my life—too many to be all listed here. But I feel a few special callouts are necessary.

A special mention to my friend Robert Greenblatt. He has always been a great supporter of the crazy, creative side of my brain. I am indebted to him for his role in the creation of Miss Divina, more than I can ever fully thank him for. His encouragement throughout our friendship helped me get this book to where it is today.

The design of this book would be nothing if it wasn’t for the spectacular illustrations of Rae Crosson. His illustrations helped take this book to the next level. His steady contributions, built on my ideas and sketches, brought the two characters of Divina and Blanche to life. He was ever so patient with my tweaks to his work.

I am deeply indebted to my editors and agents at iUniverse Publishing, Michelle Horn, Kelsey Adams, Victoria Goodwin, and Dianne Stuart for their contributions and expertise in their fields who gave advice, provided information, corrected text that I had written, and helped me clarify my recipes. Without their valuable input, this book would be incomplete.

My family, though probably not always understanding of my creative side of life, has been great. Special thanks for their love, support, and attention. In addition (and in no special order) thanks must go to Beatriz Ruiz, Alfonso Arteche, Arnold Ashley, Dan Arrayan, Barbara Levine, Beny Lopez, Hans Johnson, Pam Morrell, Katrina Helzer, Dylan Mazy Ennis-Helzer, Jeffery Houston, Gayle Ennis, Kiki Greka, Lori Olson, Michael Dees, Nevin Forbes, Randall Reade, Shannon Ennis, Steven Zachary Ennis, Mark Branning, Maya Kalabic, and, last but not least, my late friend Lennox Hood. God rest his beautiful soul. They have all given me love and support and helped make this book become reality. They believed in me when I questioned my ability to complete this book.

Best wishes,

Jean Philippe Laplagne

Introducing Miss Divina

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The first ingredient you need for

successful entertaining is love—

love for family and friends,

love for food, and love for cooking.

Start with Two Cups of Divina

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A candid shot as I wrote this book

I’m a Diva like No Other!

You know my name, Divina Noxema Vasilina: supermodel. To so many people in the civilized world, my name and title have come to symbolize many beautiful and fanciful things.

Many consider me the most beautiful supermodel in the world today. Being a humble girl, I question whether the title has been justifiably awarded. But recently, those in the know have begun tossing a new title at me: chef. Some someones have been poking their noses around in my oven, and they’ve been leaving impressed. I recently received my first Firestone Star award! To be recognized worldwide as a fabulous chef is a huge responsibility—almost as daunting as my extraordinary supermodel beauty. I am a looker and a cooker! It’s a big label to live up to. If only Julia Child had looked half as appetizing as her dishes, the old girl might have given me a run for my money. But she didn’t, and—ashes to ashes—she never will. Bless her big, sweet soul.

While Julia and I are both heavily influenced by a European aesthetic, unlike Julia, I was born into it. I was born in the countryside of Tuscany and raised across the continent. I speak fluent continental. Though my childhood memories are largely set in Italian, French, and Spanish locales, I’m no stranger to things American. As a matter of fact, it was in the Big Apple where food and my good looks first proved a winning combination. If you’re to pull off a complete Miss Divina dinner, I hope that you possess at least a hint of the flair that runs through the women in my family. As a supermodel, prodigy, world traveler, temptress, and confidante of the jet set, I often find myself dining at society’s best tables. Sadly, it all falls short of the meals I had growing up at home. Perhaps I’m spoiled when it comes to food, but it’s no surprise. I was blessed to have grown up with a mama and a nana who really knew their way around a saucepan.

I come from a long line of exotic, beautiful men and women. Together, my nana (Jeanne), Miss Petit Escargot, and mama (Yvonne), Miss Tinned Meat, have turned nearly as many heads as I have. But while I’ve had to spend most of my time dodging paparazzi and slinking about in high fashion, Mama and Nana grew up in a different time. They were expected to hang their heels and raise families. Despite the conventional limitations put on their short careers, neither woman ever turned out a bitter batter. If they harbored any spite, they kept it locked in the liquor cabinet.

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The upside to their mandated duties to family and kitchen is that they taught me how to cook. You might say they were drafted to the cause, even if they weren’t conscious of the fact. That is not to say they were unconscious. These grande dames always kept both heels on the linoleum, even though the wine flowed steadily in our home. In the kitchen, they were naturals. I should note that while not exactly my equals in terms of beauty, Mama and Nana certainly knew their way around men as much as their kitchens. My dear old nana, God bless her soul, was always popping something into the oven. When I wasn’t strutting my wares down a catwalk, I loved to watch her cook. I was always Nana’s willing guinea pig. It was at Nana’s elbow in the kitchen that I picked up some of my supermodel secrets that my friends are always pestering me to share. If she had a choice in the matter, I’m sure Nana would still be whipping up bountiful feasts peppered with pearls of wisdom. Unfortunately, open flames and knives are strict no-nos for the sweet residents of Sunset Acres. And Nana’s medicine dosages seem to have taken a toll on her pearls of wisdom as well. Not to worry—you still have me!

Dear Little Blanche

What can one say about delightful yet misunderstood Blanche L. Itche? (She won’t tell me what the L stands for, but I suspect it stands for Lush.) Blanche has been my devoted friend, assistant, and confidante for many years. Through the good and the bad, she has been by my side, doing whatever it takes to keep this diva happy and comfortable. No small feat, I’ll have you know! But Blanche knows hard work. Before I met Blanche, she was a notoriously controversial high school cafeteria cook somewhere in the Midwest. Just one glance from her and no one dared to ask what the daily special was. It only takes one hepatitis outbreak to kill a career, though. After her career in food service went sour, she took up burlesque. Her skirts were a little too short, her heels a little too high, her body flat where it should have been curved, and her hair a little too … much. Granted, it was a brief career move.

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Dear, dear Blanche Itche—or should it be

poor, poor Blanche?

Some may have turned their backs on poor Blanche, but who has as much fun as whores? She swears the navy officially classified her as a friendly port. She teases that her nickname was Sleaze with Ease Itche. You might think she’s unrefined, and to the eye, she is. And yes, she sometimes has a habit of scratching at the most inappropriate places and times. But kinder souls feel that it is just part of her earthy charm. However, beneath her vodka-soaked crust is a truly delightful woman. But don’t get me wrong. Blanche doesn’t drink every day, only those that end in a y. It was Blanche who suggested I name some of my recipes after some dear friends and family. I know you will appreciate her as much as I do. You’ll get to hear a