The Dreaded “S” Word: the Fog of Depression

By Solrac Zemog

Pablo, a man in his late twenties, met Amos, a man in his mid-thirties, through social media; they both suffer from depression. Over time, they become close friends, and Amos feels like he could trust Pablo. Amos is going through a rough time in his life and makes the decision to take his own life away, the dreaded S word, and he asks Pablo if he will support his decision. Pablo is uncertain, and he doesnt want to support such decision at the time, given that he is going through hard times as well. He ultimately ends up getting cornered into doing so and agrees to support him. However, Pablo must try to find a way to stop his dear friend Amos from attempting to do such a horrid thing. He ends up failing. How did this happen? Pablos problems seem to always put him in what he thinks are cycles, but how much of these cycles can a man take? How will he ever escape these?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 13, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984520135

Book preview

The Dreaded S Word:

The Fog of Depression

Solrac Zemog

Copyright © 2018 by Solrac Zemog.

Library of Congress Control Number:      2018904235

ISBN:            Hardcover           978-1-9845-2015-9

                     Softcover             978-1-9845-2014-2

                     eBook                  978-1-9845-2013-5

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 04/13/2018

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Contents

Preface

Part One

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

Eleven

Twelve

Part Two

Thirteen

Fourteen

Fifteen

Sixteen

Seventeen

Eighteen

Nineteen

Twenty

Part Three

The religious experience/ When Shit Hit the Fan

Twenty-One

Twenty-Two

Twenty-Three

Twenty-Four

Part Four

Back to time

Twenty-Five

Twenty-Six

Twenty-Seven

Twenty-Eight

Twenty-Nine

Thirty

Part Five

Thirty-One

Thirty-Two

Thirty-Three

Thirty-Four

Thirty-Five

Thirty-Six

Thirty-Seven

Thirty-Eight

Thirty-Nine

Forty

Forty-One

Forty-Two

Forty-Three

Part Six

Forty-Four

Forty-Five

Part Seven

Forty-Six

Forty-Seven

Forty-Eight

Forty-Nine

Fifty

Fifty-One

Fifty-Two

Fifty-Three

Fifty-Four

Fifty-Five

Fifty-Six

Fifty-Seven

Prologue

Dedicated to my father, Marcelino Gomez Rodriguez, may he rest in peace.

I’d like to thank my family for backing me up through this whole process. I’d also like to thank my best friends Juan Carlos Camacho and Matthew Welch. I’d also like to thank author Angel Ramon Medina for the tips and suggestions. I’d also like to thank Justin Wamboldt for the inspiration of writing this story. If you’d like to follow me on Twitter, you can find me under @solraczemogg

Preface

Amos, oh no! My dear friend Amos! Pablo yelled on his phone, Are you still awake brother? Are you still alive? Tears competing for gold down his face, his breathing was impossible. He was hyperventilating, all mucus membranes packed to capacity.

Nine Inch Nails’ The Collector was playing through the other end of the phone, not another sound.

I can’t believe… I… He took in a deep breath, AMOS!!! He yelled, Oh my dearest friend Amos!

After he got his composure back, he then said, Amos, may we meet somewhere in another life my dear friend.

They had planned this on a December, such an eerie day. The snow had silenced the violent screams of nature, but Pablo heard them. He heard them because his soul screamed with them.

If you feel like life’s not worth living anymore and you are planning on doing something to hurt yourself, ask for help first before you do anything. People care for you I promise. Call 1-800-273-8255, the suicide prevention hotline. They are there 24/7 and 365 days a year. If you don’t feel like talking, you can also text to the number 741741 and a counselor will respond back to your messages. But please, PLEASE talk to someone before trying anything. You are loved, no one is a mind reader.

Human experience resembles the battered moon that tracks us in cycles of light and darkness, of life and death, now seeking out and now stealing away from the sun that gives it light and symbolizes eternity. Eugene Kennedy

Part One

One

I know that there is a God, I just know, Pablo says, How do I know? Because I do! So, does this mean that I believe? He paused, "No, I don’t believe. I KNOW!

"Then all this religious nonsense has made people believe that suicide is an automatic ticket straight to the basement; to Hades, Abaddon, the abyss. Well me, personally, am not religious per say, but if from what I’ve learned when I used to be in church, does it not say that Jesus, the mighty Savior, died for ALL our sins in the Bible not just some? Maybe there’s a part that says, ‘Jesus died for all our sins,’ and then in parentheses it says, (except for suicide). I’ve never bumped into that part yet and I’ve read the entire Bible seven times. Maybe it’s in there hidden, maybe I don’t know as much as I think I do." Pablo says to his therapist when he was in the mental health institution his last time.

One thing that Pablo does know is that he’s listening to death, no not the band Death. I’m not mistaking Nine Inch Nails to Death, may Chuck Schuldiner rest in peace, I’m talking about the absence of life: death.

My dear Lord! Amos sighs, I can’t believe that you actually did it my Amos, I love you my man. We’re good, I’ll see you on the other side my friend.

Pablo says this as Reznor keeps repeating, Every last one for an eternal minute. He couldn’t stand it anymore; what a song to go out to right? Amos did exactly what Trent Reznor says in that song, he swallowed every last one! Maybe he prophesized it? Or maybe it was irony that Amos fell into an eternal slumber at just this song. I keep telling people that God is the best artist out there, nobody can beat Him on this. An Artist of the Irony, this is one of His many labels.

Amos: Have you ever saved a life?

Pablo sees this sentence typed across his Android phone in the gray box on the Facebook messenger app. He sees this sentence when he opens the app, and thinks, Have I ever saved a life? Where’s Amos going with this?

Amos: Saving a life is a feeling that can’t be compared to and someone who hasn’t done it could never begin to grasp this feeling.

Amos is talking about the time he saved his long-time girlfriend from an overdose. She passed out on opioids and he gave her CPR and brought her back into this demented world. She overdosed on them, opiates are their favorite.

Pablo: Well I don’t really know, but I hope that I’ll be able to tell you how. He types in response to Amos’s question.

Pablo: I might be trying to save a life as you read this, think about what I just said. Why don’t you try and describe it to me?

Silence… Amos got bored or he fell asleep on his pills, Pablo thinks. This isn’t the first time and it’s not going to be the last either, at least not yet.

This was their ordinary interchange for them. Amos is usually a real cocky guy, he’s a white man in his mid-thirties, a thin-built man, balding so he shaves his head, and looks serious all the time. He is also a very intelligent human being, when he is thinking straight that is. If something starts to bore him, that’s what he usually does; he ignores you and moves on with his day. That or he goes into his self-medicated slumber. Pablo has gotten used to this over the time of their conversations. It really doesn’t bother him that much, maybe because he could relate to how he feels. Maybe this is why God, or whatever you want to call your Higher Power, let them meet; they understand each other.

Pablo is a Hispanic man in his late twenties, he’s average built, a little on the heavy side, about six feet tall, which is tall for a Mexican and he is a smart man, and despite him having suffered a brain injury from an accident, he was able to recover his cognitive abilities quite amazingly. He even surprised doctors and experts on head trauma. He’s a pretty good-looking man and tries to have a sense of humor when he’s not going through a depression spell. He tries to keep his head up no matter what comes at him. However, he isn’t so successful all the time.

Amos: Let me ask you something, if things fail with me and Meghan, trying to hook up with her, and then my grandpa dies. Will you support me if I decide that I truly just don’t want to stick around for God knows how many more decades?

Amos’s girlfriend left him; he adored her like you wouldn’t know. Now He’s just left with a void not even his favorite opiate past-time can fill. He only sees the mountain of disparity and he’s not willing to climb it.

Pablo: Aww man, don’t ask me that right now bro. I’m not too sure how to answer you right now given my circumstances.

His response after reading that message. Pablo hasn’t been going through the jolliest of times right now. Depression is seeping in, death to him right now seems like a comfort; a friend. He’s trying to hide this from Amos, however. But his understanding is with him; he knows where he’s coming from. He’s been there himself before.

Now Pablo’s messages have been of worry and anxiety. What if he does something stupid? Every day, he is certain that he messages him.

Pablo: Hey, what’s up? Are you okay? How’re you holding up?

This is his messages to him almost the exact same thing every day. You can probably make it a template. Amos worries Pablo, and he feels useless and unable to help. Every now and then, he throws in a little humor, You’re not dead on me yet are you? When he takes hours to answer, however, this is when his humor is subdued.

Amos: Today I tied a rope around my neck and I squeezed until I passed out. Too bad I woke up a few minutes later and I still feel the same. He ends this sentence with a sad emoji.

Pablo: Aww man, what are you doing? Think man! Think! This is just a tiny bump on the road, you will get over it. Seriously man, THINK!

Pablo types the last word in all caps, maybe if he sees all caps, maybe this will make him think no? This made the hairs on his back stand, he felt his stomach hit the floor. He typed this as he heard such horrid news. What would you put? I mean; what else can he put? He’s just a dumb human trying to speak some sense into his dear friend, Amos.

Amos: I’m just tired of everything ALWAYS messing up and exploding in my face! I can’t do this anymore! After a few minutes, he adds, Please don’t call 911, if you do, I’ll just shoot them and myself if they don’t!

Pablo: I know, you’ve warned me before. And no, I’m not calling them because I know how you’re feeling right now.

Pablo doesn’t exactly how he’s feeling, but he does know how he’s feeling. Do you know what I mean? Pablo has been there before…

Amos has warned Pablo countless times that if he was to call emergency services, he was going to act up and promise damage to the authorities and emergency crews. He doesn’t have a good view of the police, he hates them. Amos always warns him to not call 9-1-1, but most of the time, he can’t either way. Even when he can, he tries to respect his wishes. After all, like he said, he’s been there before and knows how it feels…

Pablo: Let me ask you something bro. If you’re serious about this, have you set a date? Do you have a plan? Have you written your letter?

Pablo felt like he needed to ask this not to encourage him or anything, he just wanted to know how serious he was about making this decision. He’ll know that Amos is serious when he has done all of that.

Amos: Not yet, but I’m planning to. If I do, would you support me bro?

Pablo realizes that he was holding his breath and exhales, his lungs feel the relief. Then in his current state, he doesn’t know what to say exactly.

Pablo: Like I said man, don’t ask me this right now because I don’t know how to answer you at this minute.

A little over a year ago, Pablo was in his place, well kind of. Pablo, much like Amos, wanted out. He decided he wanted to end his life. His depression had overtaken him and he was just too tired to even try anymore. If God couldn’t do his job, then Pablo was going to do it for him. He thought that God just likes to see him suffer; kind of like an eight-year-old who got his hands on a magnifying glass and found himself an ant hill. God’s the kid and Pablo is the ant; the magnifying glass, I suppose, is all the bullshit that life throws at him. And boy does God love aiming that translucent weapon at him. Life sucks and then you die! Mother Nature is a whore! Society in itself is a selfish piece of scum!

The psychiatrist had him on a fine American delight, part of a true Patriot’s balanced diet; his personal Molotov cocktail of medications! Meds for anxiety, for depression, PTSD (You don’t have to go to war to get it), and extra meds on top of them to help because they weren’t really working as he used to tell them. He was on the highest does on his antidepressants, 300 mg of Wellbutrin and he was also given Abilify, 30 mg.

For PTSD, even though you don’t have to go to war to get it, I guess you can say it’s because of the war on life, he was just given the same medications that he was getting for depression and anxiety. In the war of life, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose; but we must all keep on trying right? So they say, but sometimes you feel up to the fight and sometimes the fight just seems like it won’t end. It does end when someone gives up however.

For anxiety, Pablo was prescribed Clonozepam (generic brand for Klonopin), but the doctor chose to stop prescribing him Klonopin because one time he drank 90 pills of them with his last beer out of a twelve pack. From then on, the doctors have had him on different types of anti-anxiety meds, but not even one works. Donald trump would be canonized as a saint before the doctors would even think about prescribing him Xanax.

Pablo thought that the medicines weren’t helping still, but they were in a way. Then, after all these years, he fell off the cracks and he was unable to get them. He was getting help from the local mental health network. After he couldn’t get his medications anymore, Pablo fell into the worst depression of his life. It was so bad that he, himself, set a date, had a method, and he also had written his letter. He’s had previous attempts, but he never really planned and set a date for it; it was just spontaneous, he used to go through horrible depression spells, sometimes alcohol was involved, and then try to end his suffering. When Pablo had planned everything and had written his letter, it got hidden so when they’ll be disposing of his stuff, they would find his reasons.

Another reason why he made this selfish decision was because of his medications. When he was on them yes, he still felt depressed, but not as depressed. Still, he felt the void created by this thing, this sickness, this cancer of the mind and soul. On top of this, he didn’t feel happiness nor joy. It was like he was a walking pile of flesh, fat, and bones. He was living, but he wasn’t alive. He felt like he was just alive so that his loved ones would be happy; no other reason. He didn’t want to live like this anymore. Who would? Would you? Just to be here on Earth being a walking shell?

His date was going to be one eerie fall day, on November. His method? He was going to go to the store, buy some beer and what not, drive to a hardware store, buy a water hose, then he was going to drive to the desert, park the car, insert one end of the device from his window to the exhaust, get drunk, turn the car on, and suck in death as he listened to his woe is me music.

He had his letter written and he said, God this is your last chance. I’m not going to do anything until that day so if you’re going to do something about this, your time is running out.

Like he said, he does believe in God…

Pablo: But please, can you listen to me for a second bro? Just hold on for at least one more day, one more week, one more month. You will see it turn to one more year and you’ll see things get better. You know that they will, like I said, it’s just a bump.

He typed this to Amos, his dear friend. How can he get it through his brain that this is not the end? Pablo was trying hard to find the answer to this question.

Silence, Amos went into another opiate happiness slumber. The only happiness he substantively sees right now. A disguised happiness. A synthetic happiness…

Two

They were having a discussion on the messenger app again.

Amos: Meghan and I met when I was in graduate school. I was studying in the university library for my midterms, and there she was: the prettiest female I’ve ever seen in my life! She stole my heart and I just had to find out where she took it. I then approached her, introduced myself and started talking to her like a blabbering idiot, something that I haven’t done ever. This made her laugh, and I was in. Ha…

He was talking about the good ‘ol days. When everything was peachy keen, and he was on cloud 9. Pablo has been purposely trying to distract him and keeping him from thinking about and saying that dreaded S word.

Amos: After I was able to calm my nerves. I was then able to speak a little more clearly with her. I still had the jitters because she was, and is, a beautiful woman, but I remember being in that library just talking with her. Getting to know her, it was like we knew each other. We had so much in common. We got so lost in conversation that we totally forgot why we were there, to study. Yeah, the day of studying might have been the plan, but I ended up finding my soul mate which is better no?

Pablo was trying with what he could