Letters to My Youngins: Pivotal Moments in My Twenties of Life, Death, and Realization

By Natasha P. Ellis

Natasha, an idealist from humble beginnings, has reached the third decade of her life: the twenties. Traveling through this time capsule revealed her idealistic perspective as well as the layers of her strengths and weaknesses. More than anything, she wanted to experience life outside of the life she knew.

This memoir delves into the time span of a young woman experiencing the intricacies, pains, and joys of her twenties. This decade, while seemingly long, moves as quickly as the clock changes time. Ellis narrates how she experiences failure, defeat, devaluation, and at the very end, restoration. Self-love, self-respect, and self-preservation were re-introduced to her at the close of this life chapter.

A straddle between idealism and realism, Letters to My Youngins allows one to imagine the ropes of revitalization, and through vivid imagery, offers a front-row seat into the experiences that shaped this young womans life forever.

In some instances, Natasha envisions her own mortality. Do you think shell try and reach for it?

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 27, 2016
• ISBN: 9781491791080

Natasha P. Ellis

Natasha P. Ellis earned a bachelor’s degree in sociology and anthropology and a master’s degree in sociology. Presenter, keynote speaker and co-author of scholarly work published in the Journal of Race, Gender and Class, her educational background has served as a platform for writing and analyzing experiences that have shaped the entirety of her life. A native of Chattanooga, Tennessee, and an alumna of The Howard School of Academics and Technology, this is Ellis’ first book.

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LETTERS TO MY YOUNGINS

Pivotal Moments in My Twenties of Life, Death, and Realization

Copyright © 2016 Natasha Ellis.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4917-9106-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-9107-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-9108-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016904818

iUniverse rev. date: 9/27/2016

FOR MY BELOVED GRANDMOTHER

DAISY MAE WADLEY

WITH PURE AND EVERLASTING LOVE

MY MOTHER, THANK YOU FOR YOUR TOUGH LOVE, THE INSTILLATION OF FEAR, MORALS, AND VALUES. LOVE YOU STRONG.

CONTENTS

Age 20: Halfway There

Age 21: Waking Up in Another Life

Ages 22, 23, and 24: The World for Women x 2,100

Ages 25 and 26: The Quarter and the Master

Age 27: The Reawakening of My Father

Age 28: Slipping Away in 3’s

Age 29: Devaluation, Realization, and Reality

FOREWORD

There are many who desperately cannot wait until the start of their twenties. The juncture of the twenties encompasses attending college or university, enlisting in the military, traveling abroad, being experimental, falling in love, contemplating marriage, experiencing the death of a close friend or loved one, and lastly, feeling invincible. In general, twenty is just the first year out of your teenage years and when most of us think we know everything. We go from knowing everything to delving into the world with a skewed compass, justified by a lack of structure, direction, and sagacious insight.

Experiences attached to the collegiate environment build character and provide inspiring cultural immersion. The author’s domestic and international travels exposed her to the complexities of culture and emphasized the importance of a multifaceted worldview. Had it not been for these experiences, in conjunction with life-shaking happenings, Natasha would have been cognitively trapped by the inability to amass the layers, movement, and beauty of opportunity. Emerging from humble beginnings, Natasha’s vantage point has afforded her the liberty to build and develop a worldview conducive to positive societal contributions.

Frank, yet enthralling, this book provides sound advice for approaching life with energy, open eyes, and a desire to enjoy this period of discovery. This novella provides a blueprint for embracing the totality of one’s dreams, while accepting the challenges, heartaches, failures, successes, and roadblocks encountered during this era. It is the precious decade that lays the foundation for not only success but mental and emotional freedom.

Finally, the author has set the stage to listen to your inner selves on an ever-learning journey to becoming a fully functioning human being satiated by proudly standing at the forefront of familial and societal impact.

Glenn S. Johnson, PhD

Associate Dean for Research and Graduate Studies

Texas Southern University

PREFACE

What prompted the creation of this prose was the pulsation of the aftermath of frequent death, emotional and psychological trauma. Additionally, the origin of this work rose from an outcry to the Creator in an effort to be saved from myself. Saved from the pain. Somewhat selfish in nature, I envisioned the oxygen of my restoration being my own. I didn’t think it’d benefit anyone else. I never saw the duality of my restoration trickle down the pipeline until it was revealed to me that the life of my writings would continue to breathe, long after my lineage had stopped.

I never imagined that I’d write a book. The confidence that a writer has in their craft, I most certainly lacked. I’ve journaled since childhood but always believed that’s where my thoughts would stop. I’ve always found writing a cathartic method of self-expression. However, some part of me wanted to detail what it meant to me to turn thirty by highlighting the time capsule of its predecessor: the twenties.

What ensued, two weeks after that outcry, was the birth of my very first book. My novella, Letters to My Youngins: Pivotal Moments in My Twenties of Life, Death, and Realization, started out as two sentences. As I continued to write and at one point try to stop writing, I began to feel like someone had carved a hole into my brain and was pouring in some type of heavy, paste-like substance that stuck to the dimensions of my brain.

And there was no off switch.

When I reached the sixteen-thousand word count, I wondered what would come of my writings. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Shocked and surprised by God, I paused but didn’t ask any questions. For about a week, I paused my writing, as I was in awe and overtaken by the notion that I’d be considered an author. Once I accepted this truth, I continued to write—and it wouldn’t stop. Like an addiction, I couldn’t stop. I realized the book was finished when one morning I woke up emotionally and mentally lighter.

The purpose of writing this book is to offer an in-depth look into the window of my twenties and to close a load-bearing yet enlightening decade of my life. It is also written to inspire, encourage, and motivate the reader as well as serve as a platform for understanding life and the nemesis behind my personal annihilation. I share and chart the trajectory of my learning curve and also detail how certain experiences shaped the person I am. Brimming underneath the chapter titles lie examples of growth, defeat, and restoration. The beginning to the end evokes emotion and showcases the blemish of mortifying, crippling pain; easy, blissful joy; victorious and glowing triumphs.

Chronologically structured by age, this book begins with age twenty, as this is when the life of this decade begins. Whatever plans the Creator has for your life, don’t interrupt the frequency or the rhythm. While you may never understand, follow suit.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Many thanks to

Susan Chipley Street and Dr. Glenn S. Johnson.

To my entire family, I celebrate you. I salute you. I love you.

INTRODUCTION

It is the era of experimentation. An epoch of continual refinement.

It has a striking allure. A captivating appeal. It is a defining decade. A decade when you set the precedents for the rest of your life. The span of the twenties is pivotal; it’s foundational. While hugely stressful, crisis saturated, yet fun and exploratory, it’s usually riddled with learning who you are and attempting to understand your vulnerabilities. It’s a time of global exploration, a time to learn, master, and cultivate new skills. It is a time to travel, experience new cultures firsthand, learn to finesse conflict, effectively communicate, and carefully examine who you’d like to become. Fortunately, my twenties encompassed all of these facets. There was life, there was death, and the emergence of a realization so poignant it forced me to accept my reality—something that’s not quite easy for me to do. During this time period, I realized I was a sensitive-spirited idealist. Having an idealistic perspective, I unfortunately have a very limited comprehension of reality and acceptance. Idealists are somewhat figments of their own imaginations. We visualize and cognitively idolize a perfect world, an invincible world. Idealists see the world and people as they should be instead of how they really are. Herein lies a problem that eventually led to a rude yet startling epiphany-like awakening. I discovered, in my evolving reality, that I embody the tendency and a peculiar ability to connect strands of time, piece them together, and apply them to experiences I deem essential. I believe coincidences don’t just happen. I believe there is a meaning for everything and behind everything. I was raised with aphorisms, quotes, and philosophies channeled to me by my grandmother, my mother, and other relatives throughout my childhood and my twenties.

Letters to My Youngins: Pivotal Moments in My Twenties of Life, Death, and Realization is written for my future, unborn children, as well as any person who identifies with idealism or is interested in seeing life experiences through the eyes of an ever-evolving idealist. If and when God allows me to become a mother, this memoir is to introduce and showcase real, true experiences to my children. It is to encourage one to lead by example. It is to serve as a muse, a road map in developing a strong, unwavering moral compass; calculated decision making; and the ability to witness, imagine, and accept reality through examples of my reality.

Learning to navigate the landscape of life and its practicalities is a state of mind. Throughout my twenties, I learned many valuable lessons. However, the lessons didn’t fuse to my psyche until the very last year, age twenty-nine. At twenty-nine, I digested the importance of self-preservation, self-love, and appreciating the grit and the strength that derive from pain. Gratitude, thankfulness, and graciousness for me were all rebirthed out of fear and emotional turbulence. Fear of the unknown. Fear in letting my family down. Fear of losing control, and fear of connecting and embracing the wrong circles and the wrong environment. However, brokenness can overshadow that fear, and you end up doing and allowing the very thing you’re most afraid of.

My entire life has been almost pyramidally structured and almost quite controlled. Where there is a lack of structure, I have issues operating and adjusting. This ingrained philosophy created the desire to control and structure almost every facet of my life. In some regard, that’s exactly what I did.

The catalyst for relinquishing structure and control was birthed from emotionally and psychologically numbing, weakening losses, feeling cemented in a cesspool of sorrow, devaluation, and sadness. I sort of lost myself. Actually, I did. Some may have thought I lost my mind.

That sure is what it felt like.

The essence of time dished a startling reality. The clock—an instrument that quietly reveals time and ironically, briefly stops as the hour, minutes, and seconds silently transition to the next—has always been of intrigue to me. It captures moments and feelings. During specific times in my twenties, I often felt stopped, like the hesitating hand hovering right before the hour on the clock. Barely functioning, I lacked understanding the importance of embracing this standstill and of standing still. Attached and embedded to the fear, the psychological and emotional torture, I believed I was stuck. And even though I couldn’t see it, the genesis of my renewal and self-revitalization were right around the corner.

Later, I quickly realized that while these moments felt never ending, they were indeed brief, just like the hour on the clock. They were still moments in time.

My time.

At some point, the rotation stops, and the cascading of this decade springs into a new cycle of life.

A new decade.

CAN ALL YOU CAN, WHILE YOU CAN.

—DAISY MAE WADLEY

AGE

20

Image17.jpg

Keychain on Acceptance Letter

AGE 20

HALFWAY THERE

Can all you can, while you can.

—Daisy Mae Wadley

A few months before getting accepted into college, I did an overnight campus visit and an admissions interview. I was so deeply paranoid as I had never slept in a room with someone I didn’t know. I slept in all my clothes, my shoes, my coat, and book bag. After warming up and allowing myself to slightly relax, I fell completely in love with the campus. The food was out of this world. The interview lasted only fifteen minutes. It was relaxed and light, and the recruiter was really easygoing and personable, making it more conversational. It didn’t truly feel like an interview. After my visit, I envisioned myself being there. I knew that was where I belonged. I knew I needed the experience. When I received my acceptance letter, there were screams and tears of joy. My mom was crying. When I got the letter from the mailbox, there was sort of like a key chain on the front of the folder, without the chain. It read, YOU’RE IN. I ran so fast to my grandmother’s house and showed her the letter. Granny couldn’t believe I got in. Beaming from ear to ear, she sat up in bed, saying, "That’s