Beloved's Gift: Following Soul's Song into Love, Hope and Faith

By Isaura Barrera

Yet, one day, unexpected and unhoped for, the world we had thought irretrievably lost may be returned to us. In a moment of insighta sudden opening of the heartwe may glimpse again the mysterious reality we took for granted as children. We may once again experience its wonder and delight (I. Zalewski, Who Is God). This book tells of the authors unexpected return into that reality, believed to be irretrievably lost as childhood was left behind. It was written in real time as each step of that return unfolded its challenges and gifts. Its message of making believing more than making believe is shared for all who remember or hunger to remember and relive that same reality in their own lives that it might inspire them to listen for and live into the love, hope, and faith at its core.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jan 18, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504338028

Isaura Barrera

Isaura Barrera is a life-long spiritual seeker. From an early age she has been convinced that “what is essential is invisible to the eye,” (though she did not read know that phrase until much later when she read The Little Prince). Now, retired after 20 years as faculty at the University of New Mexico, she has completed a Master's of Spirituality at the Oblate School of Theology and is focused on sharing her primary interest: learning to perceive and experience Infinite Light and Love (i.e., heaven) while here on earth.

Book preview

BELOVED’S

Gift

Following Soul’s Song into Love, Hope and Faith

ISAURA BARRERA

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Copyright © 2016 Isaura Barrera.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3802-8 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 1/14/2016

Contents

Dedication

Beloved’s Gift—Part I

Author’s Note

Soul’s Song Lost And Found

Unexpected Journey, Unexpected Gift

Part I Tracing The Path

Love, Hope and Faith

Choosing Connection

Recalled by Love’s Gaze

Leaping Out of Homemade Boats

Running Into Storms

Choosing Light

Reclaiming Soul’s Song

Unbinding Hope

Walking Between Maps

Choosing Miracles

Hearing the Story Differently

Asking to See

Love’s Gaze Returned

Part II Harvesting The Wonders

Making Believing More Than Make Believe

Priceless Treasures

A Tiny Seed

Without Price

An Ordinary Extraordinary Place

Incredible Truths

The Immensity of Unearned Love

The Power of a Trusting Voice

The Strength of Sustained Readiness

Transformation

Led by Love

Committed to Believing

Open to Spirit

Part III Unmapped Believing

Job’s Dilemma41

Halfway to the Miracle

Keep Believing

Just Say the Word

Without Knowing the Day or the Hour

Crying Out Day and Night

Loudly

Persistently

Boldly

With Trembling Heart

Letting Go

Without Money or a Walking Stick

No Longer Alone

Part IV Dancing

Three Steps Forwards, Two Steps Back

Contradictions Transcended

Presence And Absence

Knowing and Unknowing

Living and Dying

Metanoia

Blindsight

Acceptance

Being with

Dancing

Receiving: Dancing in Deepening Love

Yielding: Dancing in Deepening Hope

KNOWING: Dancing in Deepening Faith

Part V Gift Unending

Beloved’s Gift Part II

Parallel Scripture Meditations

Endnotes

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all who have supported, nurtured, taught, inspired and challenged me. Some are still physically on earth and some are no longer so; some I’ve only met, some I am in frequent contact with, others I no longer choose to stay in contact with, and still others I know only through their written words. Yet all have, in their own way, carried Beloved’s gift into my life.

It is most especially dedicated to

◆ my parents, whose gentle acceptance and tolerance started me on my journey long before I knew what journeying was, and

◆ one beloved friend, who has always listened to my soul’s song and without whom I could have neither undertaken this journey nor had the courage to write about it as I have

BELOVED’S GIFT—PART I

One morning, half-asleep,

I dreamed I walked into my dining room

And there, on the table, God had placed a gift

         Brightly wrapped, with gold foil and twinkling stars

               So beautiful it took my breath away

               So full of promise I could hardly wait to open it

      Can I open it now?

      What is it?

      Is it only an illusion?

      Will you open it? When?

Day after day passed

And, each morning, the gift was always there

Some mornings, it seemed almost open

Other mornings, more tightly wrapped than ever

      Why isn’t it opening?

      Am I doing something wrong?

      Am I only dreaming?

      Will you open it? When?

AUTHOR’S NOTE

Until I started the journey I celebrate in this book, I felt like a swimmer struggling to stay above the waters of a reality that always seemed to run counter to the song in my soul that whispered of love, hope and faith everlasting, telling me that happily ever after was more than a fairytale or a childhood dream. This book is the story of how that changed. I started writing it as a personal journal written after I reconnected with a long lost friend. Over time, it morphed into a descriptive itinerary of the unexpected journey that followed. Perhaps better said, it became more like a series of word postcards sent from that journey. I share it now because I believe that the love, hope and faith our soul sings, however quietly, truly is real and must not be forgotten. Its reality is so much more than just a dream or a child’s fantasy.

Communicating personal experience, especially when the intent is to share experience of what can neither be measured nor pinned down for study, is seldom without risk, however. Throughout my writing, I’ve been all too aware of both the power of language to express my experiences and its power to block that very expression. Words, especially words that look to express nonconcrete reality, can miscommunicate as easily as they can communicate. My own words are no different. They are inevitably and uniquely colored by my worldview as well as by my specific life experiences and my very curious and inquisitive nature, among other things. They are meant to be read as birds surf the wind to soar,¹ as inspiration on which to soar and swoop into the Infinite Light and Love that fuels your soul’s song and, ultimately, carries you into all that most fulfills you.

One last note: I have chosen to use endnotes to refer readers to sources from which I have drawn significant support. Some are intended to extend or clarify my statements. The majority, however, are provided to honor those met and unmet whose words helped me face the challenges I encountered along the way. Perhaps they will help you also.

SOUL’S SONG LOST AND FOUND

I read once about communities whose female elders gathered around expectant mothers in the months prior to a birth for the sole purpose of listening for the baby’s song so they might sing it at birth to welcome the child into the world. These elders are said to believe that song gives voice to and sustains our deepest love, hope and faith even when we disbelieve.

I remember hearing the notes of my own soul’s song as a child, though I did not think of them as such at the time. They sounded all around me as a child, weaving the melodies of love, hope and faith into every aspect of the creation I experienced. I heard those melodies in words said to me, in loving gazes, and in the acceptance of others as I offered my love to them.² I remembered the wild and joyful believing that stirred in me as I heard them, a believing well, if whimsically, described in Kent’s and Pintauro’s deeply serious book, To Believe in God in which they say that to believe in God is to know such fantastical things as purple jelly beans hatching into ostriches and rabbits producing humans out of hats.³

I remember too when other sounds, dissonant and off-key, started to dim that believing and the sounds of my soul’s song faded. Gradually, in the face of others’ definitions of reality and my own limited understandings, I relegated my soul’s song—and much of the love, hope and faith it carried—to the realm of make-believe and childhood dreams. I began measuring reality based on external judgments valued by others. The realm of Infinite Light and Love, in which were rooted the love, hope and faith my soul sang, became a reality imagined more than experienced.

In ways small and large I started to perceive that realm as separate and contrary to my experienced reality. I placed the two apart, calling one heaven and the other, earth. I would not have described it in that way then. I, and others around me, would have said I was merely growing up. Yet, looking back, I realize that what I had actually done was to disconnect soul from self; perhaps not consciously yet systematically all the same. I’d put Infinite Light and Love—childish, wildly trustful believing—to one side (in heaven) and human light and love—adult rational believing—to the other (on earth).

It took a long time and the unexpected return of a dear friend for me to realize that this separation was not, as some say, about a pretentious and selfish ego striking out on its own out of some perverse need to seek power and self-gratification. It was in reality about a wounded heart unable to sustain its perception of the presence of Infinite Light and Love on this earth in the face of experiences that assaulted it and an immature ego doing its best to keep me alive. In the resulting emptiness, however, my soul’s song shattered and I was left feeling abandoned, separate, and alone.

Song First Sung

Once upon a time there was a Princess who went about delighting in everything, knowing no separation between heaven and earth. If, as she went about doing whatever she did, you had asked about her life she would have told you that she was in heaven. Not that she was perfect or even always happy. No matter what though, she believed that she walked with and in Divine Light and Love and that Divine Light and Love delighted in her presence and embraced her passionately.

My soul’s song started for me, as it does for all children, at birth. It was what was before my experience of reality shattered it into disconnected notes. It was a time when my eyes lit up in wonder and delight at the sight of an empty box and my smile shined with a joy beyond compare at the sight of a beloved parent or friend. It was a time when I believed without question, when I needed neither proof nor logic to validate what I knew. There was wonder around every corner and joy unclouded by doubt. Santa Claus was real even though I could not see him and angels called my name even when I could not hear them. There was someone who heard my every prayer and I trusted that if I asked, I’d receive. Then things changed.

Song Lost

Then the Princess’ believing shattered and her soul’s song faltered. She couldn’t find Infinite Light and Love in the same way anymore. Maybe, she suspected, it was Infinite Light and Love who no longer delighted in her. Something had gone awry and the Princess felt unable to change it or fix it no matter how hard she tried. Her sure sense of Infinite Love and Light within and beside her started to fade. Like a radio station moving out of range, she could still tune in sometimes but there was no longer a consistent and unquestioned connection. What had been continuous now became intermittent, seeming more make-believe than real. What had been one became two: Infinite Light and Love—a world of delightful and loving connection beyond belief—and earth—a world that excluded what could not be proven. And so, the Princess set earth—now a place that had lost its spirit— to one side, and Infinite Light and Love, now a world that had lost its full reality, to the other.

As I grew up I found it harder and harder to sustain my believing, until finally I could no longer reconcile my experienced reality on earth with my soul’s song of Infinite Light and Love. It’s too good to be true. Perhaps after we die but certainly not here and not now. Look around you. Don’t be foolish. Realism is necessary for survival. Life isn’t a fairytale…. The words went on and on, once heard from others then firmly entrenched in my own mind. The voices of Infinite Light and Love faded into almost soundless whispers articulated only in the depths of my soul: God is good. You are deeply loved. Every hair on your head is counted. Ask and you will receive….

I remember one small moment that represents many others. It was the day a friend, slightly older than myself, told me Santa Claus was not real. I was about six or seven. I still remember clearly that we were in the back seat of my parents’ car, waiting for my mother to return from an errand and take us home. My body can still register the shock and disbelief I felt as I heard her words. I can still feel the sudden silence in my soul and the powerlessness that overwhelmed me as my belief—and my soul’s song—shattered in the face of my friend’s utter conviction and logic—and I could not prove her wrong

Santa Claus is not real. Her words sank into the soil of my soul like leaden seeds of doubt. There, watered by other similar truths, they sprouted roots, slowly undermining my up-until-then unquestioned trust in my ability to KNOW⁴ what was true and what wasn’t. My doubting grew and flowered. The world of my five senses, which I’d found so filled with wonder, became opaque, seeming to confirm the unreality of my original intuitions and beliefs. I started to grow up, and stopped hearing my soul’s song. Its chords continued to echo, but only in the fairytales I loved, and, sometimes, in deeply longed for but all too infrequent moments of joy and acceptance. Every now and then I’d experience something or connect deeply with someone and it would all seem to come back, only to disappear again. My believing fell increasingly into a box labeled make-believe, something that will never really happen, not here in this life.

In a desperate attempt to come to terms with reality as others told me it must be, I fashioned a homemade self (my ego) that was more socially acceptable (i.e., grown up) and a heaven that held the Light and Love I’d known but was somewhere other than where I was. Later, as an adult with no memory of my original pain or of my original confusion around how Light and Love could be truly present and God could really love me amid and through what happened and what others said, I turned around and castigated myself for my alienation from my soul.

Time went on and my believing morphed ever more into make-believe. I struggled to hold on to it, building a wall to protect Infinite Light