A Sensitive Dog's Guide to Love, Life and Counter Cruising

By Baker Burke-Simpkins and Debra Burke-Simpkins

High Paws for A Dogs Guide to Life, Love and Counter Cruising:

I had no idea what I was missing. Bakers book brought my game to a whole new level and I cant thank him enough. It all started with a paws-on demonstration on Thanksgiving 2009. I never looked back.
Gus Tobias, Newfoundland (RIP)

There are those of us who beg for treats and those of us who appropriate treats. Through Bakers book, Ive learned not to concern myself with what Im doing but how Im doing it. Its made a huge difference!
Jake Franklin, Collie

Ive been a counter-cruiser from way back. This guidebook has refined some of my clumsier techniques and also boosted my confidence in some of my tried and true capers. This is a great read!
Poppy Williams, Greyhound

Never have I felt so good about doing something so bad!
Kirby Leighton, Brittany Spaniel

Easy as 1-2-3, simple as A-B-C and rockin like Do-Re-Me! This is the ultimate guide to snacking nirvana!
Cupcake Harper, English Bulldog

Baker explains it all, step by step, paw by paw. Cruising has never been so productive!
Sioban Wells, Irish Wolfhound

Two paws Up!
Banjo Tabor, Skippit (see chapter on designer dogs)

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 13, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504915137

Baker Burke-Simpkins

Debra Burke-Simpkins lives in Bend, Oregon with husband Eric and their son Devan. The home is ruled by her second Bernese Mountain Dog, Mozart, two cats, Everett and Elliott and a bearded dragon named "Puff". She is the author of the children's book, "The Luna Tuna". If you or your dog would like to share your thoughts on this book, please email her at [e-mail]

Book preview

A Sensitive Dog’s Guide to Love, Life and Counter Cruising

Baker and Debra Burke-Simpkins

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AuthorHouse™

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: [phone]

© 2015 Baker and Debra Burke-Simpkins. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 07/13/2015

ISBN: 978-1-5049-1512-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5049-1513-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015908516

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Chapter 1 Why I Wrote This Book

Chapter 2 Good Dog/Bad Dog

Chapter 3 Finding, Developing, and Refining Your Inner Cruiser

Chapter 4 The Food We Cruise

Chapter 5 Inappropriate Targets

Chapter 6 Dress for Success

Chapter 7 Know your cruising spots (or Location! Location! Location!)

Chapter 8 Covert Ops

Chapter 9 Cruising Time: Peak and Off-Peak Hours

Chapter 10 Realistic Goal Setting

Chapter 11 Challenges and Obstacles

Chapter 12 Draft Notice—Enlisting Accomplices

Chapter 13 Dexterity Without Opposable Thumbs

Chapter 14 Attitude is Everything!

Chapter 15 Diet and Exercise

Chapter 16 Dealing with Failure

Chapter 17 Guest Cruising

Chapter 18 Holiday and Vacation Cruising

Chapter 19 Human Behavior

Chapter 20 A Bit About Berners

Chapter 21 Personal Experiences

Chapter 22 Designer Dogs

Chapter 23 Tales of Tails

Chapter 24 My Mom

Chapter 25 And Finally…

Glossary

Epilogue

Letter to my Successor

I Hope You Won’t Forget Me

About Baker (by Debra)

About the Authors

More High Paws for A Dog’s Guide to Life, Love and Counter Cruising:

I had no idea I could cruise with the big dogs. I’ve mastered counters that I only dreamed of and I’ve gone where no Boston terrier has ever gone before.

~ Snickers Pasternak, Boston Terrier

"Oy! That Baker, such a lerer*!

~ Schnitzel Bernstein, Schnauzer

I’ve always had the advantage of height, but now I can put it to good use. I never realized that what I was missing was just a little finesse. It’s great to be me!

~ Zeus Thompson, English Mastiff

This is a terrific read! I was a jumper without a cause and now I get the prize almost every time except when that stupid tattletale cat happens to be in the kitchen.

~ J.R. Booker, Jack Russell Terrier

Can I get an AMEN?

~ Jethro Jackson, Coon Hound

I couldn’t wait to get my paws on this book! Now I can’t keep my paws off of it, except when I cruise like the master. Thank you Baker Simpkins! You da dawg!

~ Oliver Markowitz, Heinz 57

I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a counter cruise today!

~ Wimpy Altshorn, Basenji

This book provides valuable information. A resourceful and humorous guide to counter cruising.

~ Mutts for Munchies

Counter Cruising (koun’ter • krooz’ing): v. to seek out the existence of food on a long, short, high, low, hard, soft, fragile, sturdy, easy, difficult, flat, rounded, rectangular, triangular or square surface.

Snarf (snarf): v. to eat or drink rapidly and eagerly

Score (skohr): n. a successful move

{From the American Canine New Woof Dog Dictionary}

There are a number of different words for the activity of counter cruising, such as surface surfing, snack sneaking, left-over looting, or garbage grubbing. But since this is my book, I will always refer to it as counter cruising. If you find it necessary to substitute your own phraseology, go for it. But don’t blame me if you get confused.

Everyone… woof it with me… Counter Cruising.

Get it? Got it? Good!

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. You’ll see a lot of words, marked with (*) that I’m guessing will need some explanation not only to you, but to your human as well. So I’ve created a glossary of these marked words at the end of this book.

Some information covered in this book:

~ Developing Your Inner Cruiser

~ Food Categories

~ Inappropriate Targets

~ Diet and Exercise

~ Essential Cruising Locations

~ Covert-Ops

~ Optimal Cruising Times

~ Good Dog/Bad Dog

~ Dexterity without Opposable Thumbs

~ Realistic Goal Setting

~ Mastering The Look

~ Dress for Success

~ Challenges and Obstacles

~ Co-Conspirators

~ Attitude is Everything

~ Dealing with Failure

~ Human Behavior

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Baker and Debra would like to thank the following people for their love and support. Without your continued encouragement, this book would have remained a daydream!

Eric Simpkins, the best Dog-Dad/Husband in the galaxy. You’re the Top Dog in this family!

Devan Simpkins, best Dog-brother/Son in the entire universe. You are a joy!

Gus Tobias (R.I.P.) Thanks for the inspiration, dude.

Linda Tobias, The Lucy to my Ethel.

Jordie Hastie (R.I.P.) The Princess to Baker’s Prince.

Bernie Vallerga (R.I.P.) Thanks for your wisdom, Big Guy!

Grammy, Grandpap and Aunt Mimi. You guys give good love!

Cyndie Bell (Ranger’s Mom) Thanks for your read-through and suggestions.

Jamie Carpenter, excellance in editing, Stacie Muller, fabulous photographer.

Chapter 1

Why I Wrote This Book

My original idea was to create a ‘how-to’ guide to counter cruising. However, along the way, I developed a sense of writing and a storytelling style that was pawsitively* genius! Who knew! My naturally witty repawtee* blossomed and my snout quivered in slack-jawed amazement. The anecdotal woofs spewed forth like slobber from a Mastiff’s jowls. Therefore, the how to of counter cruising evolved to include my intimate views on love and life as well, ’cause I’m a ‘lovin’ life’ kinda guy! And to know me is to love me. All one hundred and five gloriously fluffy pounds of me! And so, fellow fur-bearers, while reading this book will no doubt bring new meaning to your own life and renew your commitment to love, please keep in mind that it is first and foremost an instruction manual on counter cruising. I feel strongly that counter cruising should come as naturally as chasing the cat. We’re all born with this talent. My hope is that with a little guidance from me, you’ll be the star of the bar, so to woof… er… speak.

When I first started thinking about how good I am at counter cruising, I realized I needed to share my talents with all dogs. There are so many unfortunate guys and gals out there who haven’t realized their natural cruising skills or developed effective techniques. I knew in my beautiful Bernese heart that I needed to enlighten and encourage each and every one of you. It behooved this Bernese Mountain maestro to conduct the symphony of snarf.

Thanksgiving 2009 totally solidified the idea of sharing my knowledge. My family and I were hosting Thanksgiving dinner for some wonderful friends. My good buddy, Gus, a handsome Landseer Newfoundland—may he rest in peace—came along with my Auntie Linda as well. We had a great time romping around, sniffing the turkey-scented air and enjoying the beauty of being dogs. So it comes time for dinner to be served and get this—Gus and I were relegated to the laundry room! I know, right? And boy, were our tails torqued! So Gus and I had to make the best of a bad situation. We lay down in the laundry room and started woofing about humans and food and cats and stuff and I said, HEY! I know something we can woof about! And so began my first impromptu counter cruising class.

We only had about an hour so I went through a fairly accelerated course. Prior to that very day, Gus had never been a counter cruiser, but he was eager to learn. After coffee and dessert were served, we were finally paroled from the laundry room and Gus put his new talents to the test, marching right over to a dish of cat food. You should have heard the hoots and hollers from his mom. As I calmly observed the entire ruckus from my spot outside the kitchen, I watched as Gus flanked left while his mom zigged right. Homedawg* made me proud! Gus got most of the cat food snarfed before his eventual capture. And he remembered what I taught him about attitude. He sashayed away with his head held high.

As he was about to pass me, I couldn’t help myself. I high-fived him. We didn’t actually touch paws, I just raised my paw to him as a gesture of victory. The humans all thought that was one of the cutest things they’d ever seen. But it was serious business for me, though. The boy did me proud that day. It still brings a tear to my eye thinking about that very special Thanksgiving. I’m tellin’ ya, a counter cruiser was born that day! When he left us for that big dog park in the sky, he went secure in the knowledge that he brought honor to all dogkind* by becoming the best counter cruiser he could be.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I came to write this book. It has truly been a labor of love for me to become a mentor to all dogs, big and small, in the ritual of the cruise! It is an honor for me to become your teacher and I will be deeply humbled by your success. I hope you find it informative and helpful. This manual will be dog-eared, if you’ll excuse the pun, for years to come. That is, if you don’t grab it and shake it and rip it and chew a few pages!

I dare hope, gentle readers, that your human may also gain new insight into our intricate canine psyche. It would please me tremendously if they learn a lesson or two that would enhance their lives as well.

Your success is my success. I’m taking great pride in this book and I intend to take my role as mentor/professor as serious as a Rottweiler on guard duty! I’m just a dog with a dream!

Chapter 2

Good Dog/Bad Dog

My friends, we all come into this world as a good dog. You were brought into your family because you were wanted. You stay within your family because you are loved. You get chin scratches, belly rubs, smooches and snuggles because you’re so stinkin’ cute. You are a good dog. Face it; you are a total package of joy wrapped in fur. It’s up to you to remain that total package to your human while still pursuing your own interests. You, boys and girls, have the power to keep that look of love burning in your family’s eyes. Really, it’s not that hard to make them happy and keep them like putty in your paws. Be the best good dog you can be and when your inner bad dog assumes control of your fur, you’ve got yourself some warm fuzzies in your love account to take the edge off any human’s anger and disappointment.

When you hear your human say good boy or good girl, doesn’t it make your butt wiggle? You are man’s best friend, a woman’s trusted confidant, and a child’s most adored stuffed animal… and don’t you forget it!

We are such wonderful creatures. Even God can tell you that. Did you know that there’s not one mention of a cat in the Bible? It’s true! So we’re already ahead of the game with God on our side. And did all y’all* ever notice what God spelled backwards is? Alright, for you Airedales, it’s DOG. And again, who do they say is man’s best friend? That’s right… a DOG! You’ve all heard that saying, Dogs come when they’re called; cats say take a message, and it’s true, my friends. We are the ultimate ‘people pleasers.’ You experience this every day. Ounce for ounce, pound for pound, we make life a holiday just by showing up.

Now I know some of you breeds have a bad reputation. A few bad biscuits have given you folks a bad rap. But I’m here to tell ya that you Dobermans, Pit Bulls, Rottweilers, and German Shepherds have hearts and souls that want to be as good as any of us. You need to rise above that bad reputation. Try to smile when you meet humans. Show the world what sweetie-pies you can be and make life grand for everyone, including you! And don’t be afraid to hug. Humans love that. I like to wrap one of my front legs around one of my mom’s legs to let her know how much I love her. It’s also insurance for me that she’ll stay close by. It’s the little gestures like this that will build up your love account. How do I spell lovable? B-A-K-E-R!

Now, some of you are just plain incorrigible. And you know who you are so I won’t point my paw at you. But listen up, dawg, you can change that behavior. Take the first step from bad dog to good dog by admitting you have a problem. Let your inner love puppy blossom and you will be amazed at how freeing it is and how endearing you’ll become to folks outside of your family circle.

Also, ‘bad dog’ is a relative term. Humans react differently to us in different situations. Believe it or not, my own dad will call me a bad dog for getting up on the sofa to settle in for a little nap or some snuggle time with my mom. But maybe in your home, your humans understand that the sofa is there for all members of the family and you may even be encouraged to haul your furry butt up there. Lucky you!

Here’s another example: I’ve always been taught not to jump on people because I’m a big strapping Bernese Mountain dog and quite possibly could flatten someone. So I must practice restraint and I do it with grace. However, we used to have this neighbor who was about seven feet tall. He would slap his chest and tell me to jump up and give him some love. What was I supposed to do with that? I really liked the guy and I always had fun with the love-jump, but honestly, it was hard for my Berner brain to remember that Mr. Seven Feet Tall was the only human I could do that to without hearing the dreaded bad dog. (FYI for you Sheepdogs, our neighbor didn’t actually have seven feet. That would be creepy.)

I also like to sit on my mom’s lap, but if I try it with my dad, he looks at me like I’ve sprouted a second tail. I get yelled at if I bark and chase the UPS man, but I can tell you without a doubt that if someone was breaking into my house they’d expect me to be woofing like Pawvarotti* while tearing into the burglar like a jaguar on a hyena. I’ll hear the ghastly bad dog if I chase one of my cats and yet if the deer are strolling through the yard, Dad sends me outside and expects me to act like the border patrol. When I bark at the doorbell ringing, they tell me to use my inside bark. Sometimes it’s just too much for my Berner brain to keep it all sorted out!

Now, I want you to know that I like being a good dog. When I hear my mom tell me what a good boy I am, my heart melts and I puff up with pride. But let’s face it, I’m a dog. My consistency rate has improved with age but it’ll never be perfect.

My best advice to you is to use good judgment with a sweet disposition at all times… except when your human wants you to behave like a trained assassin or specifically tells you to do something a bad dog would do. And trust me, they’ll let you know. Ah, humans! They are ever so confusing. There are just way too many gray areas where they’re concerned and I wish they’d come with an instruction manual. Maybe one of those books on tape. And I’d really like it to be narrated by James Earl Jones because I think he turned in a stellar performance as Mufasa in The Lion King. Just sayin’.

I understand that some of you dogs who are reading this book may find the whole good dog/bad dog thing a little too simplistic. So, for my more cerebral friends, here’s how you can sound it down for yourself: The highly