A Plan Undone

By Christopher Holdstrom

A Plan Undone is an autobiography of one mans struggle to maintain faith in Jesus Christ in the face of mental illness.

After I endured three hospitalizations in four years, my psychiatrist set me on a journey through foretelling and hypnotherapy. My life paralleled that foretelling as I muddled from young adulthood though middle age.

So, am I leading life? Is it Gods plan for me, or am I simply following the script prescribed by my therapist? Only God knowsI share the yoke with another.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 7, 2015
• ISBN: 9781490864099

Book preview

A PLAN

UNDONE

Christopher Holdstrom

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Copyright © 2015 Christopher Holdstrom.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture quotations identified NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version©. NIV©. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-6408-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-6410-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-6409-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014922623

WestBow Press rev. date: 1/6/2015

CONTENTS

Jeremiah

Prologue

Chapter 1   Without A Burden

Chapter 2   Without A Net

Chapter 3   Without Hope

Chapter 4   Without A Compass

Chapter 5   Without Looking Back

Chapter 6   Without Remorse

Epilogue

About The Author

To those who I love more

Melissa & Suzanna

who showed me hope

Mom & Dad

who taught me to never give up

JEREMIAH

For I know the plans that I have for you – declares the Lord – plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future …

And when you seek me with all your heart you will surely find me …and you will be my people and I will be your God.

Selections from chapters twenty-nine and thirty (NIV).

PROLOGUE

I lie face down. The floor is cold. Morning sunlight spills through the open window blinds. Streams of light and shadow cast about the room. I don’t know who I am, where I am, or what I am. Ideas splinter unrestrainedly about my brain. My mind cannot keep pace. Transient thoughts revolve quickly and randomly in bizarre and delusional ways—they repeatedly surface, peak, and dissipate. I’m all powerful one moment—more wise than any mortal. The next moment I’m weak and alone—a damned fool buried in a torrent of thoughts. Weak, weaker, failing, failed. Nothing can break the torment. I’m a saint one moment—the world adores me. The next moment I lie frail and dying—the world would have me dead.

A small, wooden pencil lies at the foot of the bed beside me. I pick up the pencil and write. There is no paper. I write on the walls. I write about trigonometry and geometry and calculus—on proofs, theorems, and equations. I write about philosophy and ethics. Can a good man with good intentions go off the path of righteousness and still be considered good? I write for hours. My mind skips randomly from topic to topic, but through it all I find a trace of sanity. Behind a glass window, a small, bearded man sits reading. He looks up from his clipboard, pushes his black horn-rimmed glasses to the bridge of his nose, and nods. I hear the door behind me unlock and open.

Hello, Christopher. My name is Dr. Stabler. I’m here to help you. Do you know where you are? You’re at Gloucester City Hospital—the psychiatric ward, Walker II. You’re in the right place. You’ve been through quite an ordeal. Here, take these. They’ll help you sleep. You need to rest.

Two M&Ms in a paper thimble, water in a paper cup. I pop the pills in my mouth and drink from the cup. The taste is brackish and stale—like seawater. I hear the door close behind me. Once again, I am locked within.

My thoughts spiral and race. One moment I’m a prophet—the world awaits my epistle. The next moment I’m a criminal—the world would have me crucified. Oh Lord, where are You? What have I done? Why have You abandoned me? I’m sick and delirious—beyond exhaustion. At last, the meds kick in. They suppress my craze. The irrational, unrelenting thoughts abate. The meds overwhelm me beyond my illness—they shut me down completely. I slump clumsily to the floor. I lay unconscious until dawn the next day.

CHAPTER 1

WITHOUT A BURDEN

God is great. God is good. I have more stars on the Sunday school attendance chart than almost any kid my age. I go to Sunday school almost every week. At Sunday school, I learn to love God. I learn that God loves me. God created me for a reason. Somehow He will use me. I’ll never know His plan in this life, but I’ll follow His plan so long as I pray to Him for direction. I never think much about the Lord’s plan for me, but I believe