Jeffanetics: Musings of an Old Philosophy Major

By Jeff Hinkle

JEFFANETICS : MUSINGS OF AN OLD PHILOSOPHY MAJOR.., is a book in 4 parts. 1.., Songs to the tune of other songs.., meant to be funny. 2 . Poetry.., mostly meant to ne serious. ..., 3 cartoon.., i would think of cartoon ideas, my friend Jennifer Woolf would draw them,.., meant to be funny.,,,...4. 3 short plays, meant to be fubby.,,., even what's meabt to be funny, is in my way, philosophical.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 5, 2012
• ISBN: 9781469186924

Jeff Hinkle

Many years ago, Jeff Hinkle was a philosophy major at Oneonta State University. He sorted mail at The New York State Department of Motor Vehicles for 22 years before being put off from work for having.., “anxiety and depression” in 2009. He currently lives in a small apartment in upstate NY. He enjoys taking pain medication and walking around with his cane pretending he is Dr. House. Jennifer Snow Wolff has worked as a graphic artist. She and Jeff still talk on the phone once in a while.

Book preview

Copyright © 2012 by Jeff Hinkle.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2012905134

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4691-8691-7

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4691-8690-0

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4691-8692-4

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Contents

Section 1:

Funny (?) Songs

Section 2:

Serious (??) Poems

Section 3:

Cartoons

Section 4:

Morality Tales

This book is dedicated to my family and friends,

especially Jennifer Snow Wolff for her illustrating and

Michele for her computer help.

Section 1:

Funny (?) Songs

Puff Goes Contra Dancing

(To the tune of and a sequel to Puff the Magic Dragon by Peter Yarrow and Leonard Lipton)

Puff the Magic Dragon, was feeling depressed

His lifelong friend had left him, his psyche was all stressed

Then he saw a notice, a dance at a local school

Now was his chance to show them that he was a dancing fool.

Chorus:         Oh, Puff the Magic Dragon, went to a Contra Dance

         Could he pick up a woman, would he take the chance?

         Puff the Magic Dragon went to a Contra Dance

         Could he pick up a woman, would he take the chance?

Puff, paid his 5 dollars, at the schoolhouse door.

The cashier nearly had a stroke, not seeing a dragon before

But later on he muttered, 5 bucks was not enough

The gym could only hold a few if one of them was Puff.

Chorus

Puff was do-si-doing with a cute redhead

A young man tried to cut in, but the woman said, drop dead.

Puff saw it was Jackie and he said, "sorry, Jack,

For I have all the qualities of which you sadly lack.

I’m big, and I am mighty, two things you are not.

I never would leave a friend. I do not smoke Pot."

The woman said, "Buzz off kid, this dragon has me frantic,

His tail is not his only part that’s honestly gigantic"

Chorus

         There’s no way for me to remember when I first heard Puff the Magic Dragon, but as long as I’ve understood it I’ve though, wow, what a downer.

         Then I realized if you don’t like the way a song ends, you can write a new song.

Poison I.V.

(To the tune of Poison Ivy by Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller)

It’s humane I suppose, but everybody knows

You’re one sorry pup, you’ll fall asleep but you’ll never wake up

Chorus:         Poison I.V., Poison I.V.

         In the mornin’ you’ll be sleepin’ Poison I.V. comes a creepin’ around

It seems so nice and sterile, but man you are in peril

It’ll really do you in, when they put it under your skin

Chorus . . . then bridge

An electric chair will shock you, in the gas chamber they lock you

A hanging rope will make you jump and twitch

Next to a messy guillotine, a needle seems so clean

But you’re still one dead son of a bitch

Now you’re nice and dead, justice has been fed, they’ll make your body go away

You’ll be cremated the very same day

Chorus

I’m Not A Male, Not Yet A Woman

(To the tune of I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman (M. Martin/Rami/Dido) famously performed by Brittany Spears)

I use to think, I had been born with the right sex

But now I know / life doesn’t always go that way

I had my penis cut off / that’s when I realize

Chorus:         I’m not a male, not yet a woman

         I need hormone shots, and operations lots

         while I’m in between

I’m not a male / don’t be afraid that I’ll rape you

It’s time that I, start watching Oprah and Phil McGraw

my breasts are starting to puff out / I love my softening thighs

Chorus:

I’m not a male, and if they look from a distance

maybe someone could be fooled, if they saw me read, Woman’s Day

I’m not a male no face hair is seen

I’m just going from Jethro to Jethrine

I need hormone shots, and operations lots

while I’m in between

I’m not a male/not yet/ a woman

A few years ago, Michelle got me a CD player for my birthday. So, now having a CD player, I figured I needed to get some CDs. After I bought one I asked Michelle to guess what was the first CD I bought. She couldn’t guess, so I began to sing, I’m not a girl, not yet a woman. She said, Oh No. Then I thought about trans-gender people and wrote this song.

Smoke In The Chimney

(To the tune of Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple)

Bass line (4x) Pope Pope Pope; Pope Pope-A-Dope, Pope Pope Pope, Pope Pope

We all came to the Vatican, a Catholic Roman enclave

To see how the Pope was fairing; his condition, well it was grave

John Paul II, was the best pope around

But old age, and Parkinson’s, put that Pope in the ground

Smoke in the chimney; means there’s a new Pope; smoke in the chimney

Bass line (4x)

On April Fools Day they said he’d died, but that was just a bad joke

Next day as faithful prayed and cried the Pope he really did croak

When it all was over, they had to get another Pope

One of the cardinals, that hopefully young boys did not grope

Smoke in the chimney; means there’s a new Pope; smoke in the chimney

Bass line (4x)

They elected a cardinal, who was a good candidate

He doesn’t want, no women priests, and he doesn’t masturbate

With a brand new coat, and a brand new hat, he’s infallible do not fret

However long his tenure lasts, I know we’ll never forget

Smoke in the chimney; means there’s a new Pope; smoke in the chimney

Bass line (4x)

I Saw Soon-Yi Standing There:

the Ballad of Woody and Soon-Yi

(To the tune of I saw her standing there by John