Daddy Hold Me, I'm Scared

By Rose Anna Miller and Rose Anna Miller. MSW

Let me start by saying I LOVE TEENAGERS! Considering my age you might chalk this off to dementia, but the truth is the more rebellious a teen, the more I love them. Rebellion is misdirected energy. What a challenge to guide that energy into positive channels. The fun and reward comes in the journey of getting there. I have spent most of my life working with teens and am now retired after thirty years employed by the State of Utah. This book is the culmination of my experiences with youththe laughter and the tears, the triumphs and the defeats.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 5, 2007
• ISBN: 9781465319647

Rose Anna Miller

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Rose Miller is a distinguished Social Worker, not just for her licenses and degrees, but for her unique celebration of humanity, including her own. She always perceives the worth and infinite possibilities inherent in us all. Rose completed her Masters at the Graduate School of Social Work from the University of Utah, 1982. Join Rose on her thirty-year journey with troubled youth – the laughter, tears, strengths, weaknesses, frustrations, confusions, failures, and ultimate successes as they emerge into adulthood. After thirty years of working with troubled youth, she retired from the State Division of Child and Family Services. She is currently conducting family integration seminars for Mountain Home Youth Ranch; and serves as Chairman on the Allied Health Advisory Board for Uintah Basin Applied Technology College, in Roosevelt, Utah. Jane A. Thompsen, M..Ed.

Book preview

SPECIAL THANKS

This book could not have been realized if not for my

dear neighbors, Diana and Charles, for the use of

their computer (sure beats my old typewriter);

to my old friend, Cathie, who read each chapter as it

came hot off the printer, and still encouraged me

to go on; and to my new friend, Rex, whose editing

skills made the book readable, while his knowledge

of Word Perfect saved these pages from the

numerous glitches I managed to develop along the way.

And finally, to my friend, Joyce, who wisely

suggested the title, Daddy Hold Me, I’m Scared.

She felt that my title, "But I Can’t be Pregnant,

I Still Have Acne", humorous, but not a crowd

pleaser!

A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S

To all my kids whom I have been

blessed to know… and to all

parents who have raised a teen,

is currently raising a teen, or

contemplating allowing their

young children to enter

adolescence.

CHAPTER ONE

I WOULD BE ASHAMED TO DIE

AND NOT HAVE LEFT ONE

VICTORY FOR MANKIND.

—Horace Mann

Let me start by saying I LOVE TEENAGERS! Considering my age you might chalk this off to dementia, but the truth is the more rebellious a teen, the more I love them. Rebellion is misdirected energy. What a challenge to guide that energy into positive channels. The fun and reward comes in the journey of getting there. I have spent most of my life working with teens and am now retired after thirty years employed by the State of Utah. This book is the culmination of my experiences with youth—the laughter and the tears, the triumphs and the defeats.

Over the years people have suggested I write a book. When I shared this thought with many clients, they all excitedly agreed, and even wanted me to use their names. However, as most of them are now adults, with families of their own, I will change the names to protect them from public exposure to their adolescent follies.

_ _ _ _ _

When I first meet clients, I usually observe depression in them. This is not unusual. What is unusual is the number of adults who don’t. As adults it is inconceivable to think a child could be depressed. How can they be depressed? They only have to go to school. You want to know depression? We have to work to provide food, shelter, clothing, meet monthly bills, utilities, mortgages, rent, car payments, loans, not to mention educational costs, medical, and dental expenses. What do kids have to be depressed about?

Alas, dear friends, clinical depression is continually diagnosed in children as young as four. And this masked depression, if not recognized and treated, can lead to suicide. This tragedy is too frequent to be ignored. In studies I have read about child suicide, the signs were there, but, tragically, recognized in retrospect.

Teens are the first, and perhaps only ones, to recognize depression and suicidal ideation among their peers. That is why I felt it was important to teach them the signs to look for among their peers and how to intervene.

Through the years I have been called to do grief work with parents who have lost a child to illness or accident. Although I feel their grief, I cannot begin to fathom the depth of despair that accompanies a suicide. Adults have learned how to cope with stress, anxiety, and depression. When a crisis or tragedy strikes, we draw upon our life experiences in handling whatever comes our way—perhaps more easily said then done—but we have learned to do it. Children, however, have not gathered that life experience. They are just beginning to learn. We cannot compare today’s youth to the youth of the ‘50s. Today’s youth are as stressed and overwhelmed as adults, but in different ways. More emphasis is placed on our kids today to perform well in school and to meet parents’ expectations. There are the subtle demands in the media for them to look like Barbie and Ken, wear designer clothes, and try to fit in (whatever that means). They are bombarded by mixed messages. Unlike the kids of the ‘50s, they do not have the tools to handle life’s reality because life is no longer simple. Parents come home from a busy day at work drained, but they shift gears and put on a different hat. Kids don’t have a different hat to switch into, yet. They don’t even know what their hat is. But they, too, come home drained. With that in mind, I am always alert for signs of depression when a new client enters my office.

_ _ _ _ _

During my career, I have had numerous occasions to deal with a teen exhibiting suicidal ideation, and even some attempts. I would be called to the ER or ICU when a kid had taken an overdose of pills. I am happy to state, however, that most of these kids only feign suicide to get attention. However, I must take that threat seriously, even if I suspect they are faking it. This was true for one case I particularly recall, when the attempt was real. A new female client and her girlfriend were spending the night at her home. After her mother and brother went to bed, the girls went to her bedroom, lit candles, and put on Marilyn Manson tapes. They were into the Gothic scene.

Early the next morning, the brother discovered the girls lying across the bed, covered in blood, with the music still throbbing. On the wall they had written a suicide note in their blood. They had slashed each other’s wrists. Miraculously, they were rushed to the hospital in time. Afterward, they were transferred to a psychiatric hospital.

_ _ _ _ _

Suicide pacts are not uncommon among teens. I recall a mother I didn’t know brought in a letter she found in her daughter’s room. In the letter her daughter’s friend had written details of their suicide pact. She stated that she had stolen her mother and grandmother’s pills, arranged to borrow her mother’s car for the following Saturday, and they then planned to drive up into the mountains, take the pills, and die. The friend ended the letter saying, . . . and I can’t wait to see the look on my mother’s face when she sees me.

That statement is a glimpse into the erroneous thinking teens have about death. They have no concept of reality, thanks in part to today’s music and teeny bopper slasher films jading them. I would tell them it’s not that they want to die; it’s that they don’t want to live. A big difference!

As one girl told me, I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

As adults, we know that this, too, will pass, but teens don’t. I tell them that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I never try to talk them out of suicide. I acknowledge that suicide is a choice, and I validate their feelings at the moment, then I enlist their help in exploring other options, always letting them know that suicide is one of them. Then they relax, and allow me to put suicide on the back burner while we begin exploring alternatives. An interesting note is that once a person shifts into a problem solving mode, they cannot hold onto the suicidal thoughts. The brain doesn’t work that way. As a result of this process, I am grateful to say that I have never lost a client to suicide.

When a child comes to me, there is already some degree of anger, whether overt or covert. Anger turned outward is aggression, exhibiting a history of observable behaviors: i.e., criminal activity bringing them into the juvenile court system, fighting, bullying, verbally and physically abusing others, suspension or expulsion from school, defiance to authority figures, substance abuse, and other self-destructive behaviors. This is the rebellion I referred to earlier, which doesn’t worry me much because I have something to work with.

The withdrawn child concerns me because there is little energy to work with. I believe that anger turned outward is aggression; anger turned inward is depression. I look again to observable behaviors: i.e., withdrawal from family, self-mutilation, substance abuse, self-imposed social isolation, the inability to laugh or have fun, inability to concentrate or focus on any task. And, because these kids are not observably acting out, they are harder to identify. In class they do not draw attention to themselves; however, on occasion a teacher will receive a poem or some other assignment that disturbs them, raising a red flag. Let’s look at anger.

Anger is a common emotion, no different from other feelings we have. We do not seek out our feelings, they’re just there. There’s nothing we can do to prevent it; however, we do have control over what we do with that feeling. One point I make when teaching anger management is that anger is never the true feeling; therefore, you can waste precious time and energy by getting caught up in it. Look behind the anger. What is the real feeling behind that anger? Frustration, guilt, disappointment, helplessness, fear, not valued: the list goes on. When you discover the real feeling, respond to it, not the anger.

_ _ _ _ _

I had been working with Cindy for a few weeks when she came into my office for another session. She was distraught. She thought she was pregnant. As I always did in these cases, I took her to the Public Health Nurse for a pregnancy test.

Let’s find out for sure, I said, and if you aren’t pregnant, we will have something to talk about; and if you are pregnant, we will have something to talk about.

She was pregnant. Cindy was fifteen; the oldest of four children. Her Mom was a stay-at-home mom. Her dad was a big, burly oil field worker. Cindy was a daddy’s girl. I asked her how she thought her parents would react to the news. She said her mom would cry. It was her dad she didn’t want to tell. He had a temper, and she knew he would unleash his anger on her. I then asked her to think about what feelings she thought her dad would really be feeling. She said he would be disappointed in her. He would be hurt. I then told her that when she was ready to talk to them, she must ignore the initial outburst, step aside and let it hit the wall, then address the real feelings. She was now ready to tell them.

We set up an appointment to meet with them. Sitting in their living room, Cindy told them she was pregnant. As anticipated her mom began to cry; her dad began to explode. I saw Cindy immediately tighten up, so I reached over and patted her on the knee. She regained her composure as her dad was in the midst of his tirade. Cindy looked up at him and said, Daddy, I know I have hurt you. I know you are disappointed in me, but Daddy, hold me, I’m scared.

Her rough, gruff father stopped in mid-sentence, paused, then came over to her. They embraced, sobbing. Because Cindy was able to acknowledge what her father was really feeling, the anger dissipated, and the healing process began. What a waste of time, energy, and love when anger is left unquestioned.

_ _ _ _ _

Earlier I mentioned masked depression. Not only is depression often masked among children, it is masked among all its victims.

The person experiencing depression is usually the last person to recognize it in themselves. This was made clear to me when I had been invited to address a women’s club on the topic of depression; a topic I was often asked to present. This particular presentation occurred about a month after my husband had died. I always began my talk by discussing a list of symptoms of depression I would hand out to the audience—physical, emotional and psychological. As I was going over these symptoms I suddenly stopped, looked at the ladies, and exclaimed, I’ll be damned, I’m depressed!

_ _ _ _ _

Depression is more common than you think. It has been reported that everyone, at some point in their