Invisible Shrapnel: The Legacy of Emotional Abuse

By Sylvia Rockwell

Invisible Shrapnel: The Legacy of Emotional Abuse provides an overview of the types of emotional abuse children and youth may encounter, anecdotes that illustrate impacts on the functioning of young people exposed to such abuse, potential developmental disturbances, and strategies adults can use to mediate the effects of abuse. One does not need to be a therapist to take corrective action. The research on resilience makes it clear that teachers, coaches, neighbors, extended family members, and others in a young person’s environment can positively impact the youth’s trajectory. This book offers a wealth of information on the topic of emotional abuse along with a clear message to all who care about the health of our young people that who the adult chooses to be matters.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Aug 18, 2023
• ISBN: 9781685626617

Sylvia Rockwell

Sylvia Rockwell dedicated her career to working with children and youth with emotional and behavioral disorders as well as those in at-risk settings. She has worked in wilderness, therapeutic camps; in classroom settings; and at the university level. In addition to her professional work, she is a mother, grandmother, and wife. Through her own personal work with therapists to address the impacts of trauma during her developmental years and her experiences with students over four decades of professional work and research, she knows the risks of emotional abuse and neglect from both sides of the desk. Invisible Shrapnel: The Legacy of Emotional Abuse is meant to both inform and inspire all to mindfully communicate with young people.

Book preview

About the Author

Sylvia Rockwell dedicated her career to working with children and youth with emotional and behavioral disorders as well as those in at-risk settings. She has worked in wilderness, therapeutic camps; in classroom settings; and at the university level. In addition to her professional work, she is a mother, grandmother, and wife. Through her own personal work with therapists to address the impacts of trauma during her developmental years and her experiences with students over four decades of professional work and research, she knows the risks of emotional abuse and neglect from both sides of the desk. Invisible Shrapnel: The Legacy of Emotional Abuse is meant to both inform and inspire all to mindfully communicate with young people.

Dedication

To my sister, Tammy, and husband, John, who saw me through a most devastating period, please know that your patience, love, and determination to see me through are immeasurable gifts.

Copyright Information ©

Sylvia Rockwell 2023

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher.

Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

The story, the experiences, and the words are the author’s alone.

Ordering Information

Quantity sales: Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the publisher at the address below.

Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication data

Rockwell, Sylvia

Invisible Shrapnel

ISBN 9781685626600 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781685626617 (ePub e-book)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023900886

www.austinmacauley.com/us

First Published 2023

Austin Macauley Publishers LLC

40 Wall Street, 33rd Floor, Suite 3302

New York, NY 10005

USA

[e-mail]

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Acknowledgment

Dr. Laura Frey spent countless hours offering her expertise, in making editorial notes, and encouraging me when I was unsure. Her support mattered and I am grateful.

Others also took time to read the manuscript and offer suggestions—to Tammy, Tippy. Stefanie, and brother, Chris—a heartfelt thank you.

And finally, thank you to Pat and Dr. Masino whose knowledge, skill, insight, and professionalism pointed me in the direction of health and well-being.

Introduction

Trauma can happen to anyone at any age. Trauma can be random, unexpected, and caused by natural phenomenon such as earthquakes, rip tides, lightning strikes, and landslides; accidents; violence; or abuse. No one is to blame during natural disasters or in many types of accidents nor are the victims of these events targeted. Some individuals who experience these one moment in time horrors go through expected periods of emotional and physical recovery, but do not retain symptoms of post traumatic injury to their sense of well-being. Others suffer for months or years, reliving the trauma event repeatedly in night terrors and triggered sensations. The post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) they exhibit begins to change their relationships with others, habits, goals for the future, and sense of themselves as capable, worthy people. If a trauma event happens once and the victi-m was not an intended target, the PTSD is treated as a simple case—not because the trauma is less significant, but because the complexity of multiple trauma events over time, particularly if inflicted with intent by another person, carries with it additional emotional, cognitive, and somatic burdens (Van der Kolk, 2014; Naparsteck, 2005).

Invisible Shrapnel: The Legacy of Emotional Abuse is about complex PTSD caused by a parent or caregiver over an extended period during a young person’s developmental years. Because children and teens are not miniature adults, but rather are actively engaged in acquiring new skills and knowledge, have an incomplete understanding of themselves and the world, rely on the adults in their worlds for survival, and often lack insight into social-emotional behaviors, the impacts of emotional abuse can go unnoticed or misinterpreted by teachers, extended family, friends, and even the parents, themselves. Making the research on trauma, emotional abuse, long-term consequences of untreated emotional distress, and viable options for facilitating resilience known to the general public is a lifelong pursuit. I taught children and youth with emotional and behavioral disorders for over three decades. After earning a master’s degree in Behavioral Disorders and a Ph.D. in Interdisciplinary Studies that included intensive school-based interventions for youth with anxiety, aggression, and depression, I taught at the university level. The driving force behind over four decades of work was the recognition by the age of eight that intergenerational trauma was being passed from maternal grandparents to my mother and on to me. This is not uncommon. This, however, is a cycle of abuse that I decided in childhood I would work to end. As Maya Angelou says, When we know better, we do better, and I have tried mightily to do better. While my mother wanted better for me and my siblings than she had experienced and certainly worked to protect me from sexual abuse at the hands of men during my early years, she had a massive misunderstanding of the power she wielded with her words. Having known the terrors of domestic abuse, corporeal punishment, alcoholism, and her father’s sexual assaults on her as well as her siblings, she wrongly assumed that if she left no marks and caused no broken bones, no damage was being done.

In the following chapters, the definition of abuse, categories of emotional abuse, the legacy of abuse and trauma across the lifespan, and strategies for facilitating resilience will be described along with stories—my experiences with children and youth while working in schools; my experiences as a child, teen, and young adult; and my experiences in therapy. The purpose of this book is not to establish a how-to manual or self-help regime for others with abuse histories. The purpose of this book is simply to inform. Words matter. Actions matter. And in order to do better, we must know better.

I believe in the self-righting potential within young people and in the drive to overcome. I believe that adults who are able to simply be present without inserting their own agendas into a child’s confusion facilitate the innate resilience within the child or youth they nurture. I believe that ordinary, everyday interactions with adults who can see beyond a child’s age, demeanor, behavior, and present limitations and reflect back to the child or teen the best, most capable version of his-self or herself possible actually change the trajectory of that child’s or teen’s life for the better.

When my youngest child was in middle school, he went to an assembly the school arranged and listened to a motivational speaker. The speaker told of a terrible day in his youth when he was contemplating suicide. A classmate noticed him in the hall at the end of the school day and offered to help him carry his books home. He had emptied his locker so his mom would not have to come to the school to retrieve his belongings after he died. The classmate did not know of the suicide plan. The speaker told of how that simple act of caring and an invitation to play ball the next day with other kids in the neighborhood caused him to put off his suicide plans. He never told his mom or his new-found friend, but he always remembered the simple acts of kindness and how they had literally changed the course of his life. After this speaker finished, he gave each student in the auditorium two ribbons. Both ribbons were printed with the same gold lettering that said, Who you are makes a difference. The students were instructed to keep one and to give the other one to someone in their lives who makes a difference for them. My son gave me one of the most significant honors I could ever receive the day he brought his second ribbon home to me. I keep it in a special photo album and cherish the trust and love bestowed on me.

Who you are makes a difference.

Who you are makes a difference to so many who may never say those words to you, but who will benefit from your knowledge, insight, and simple acts of kindness.

Thank you for your desire to know more.

Chapter 1

Why?

Why is emotional abuse a critical area of concern?

Why should all adults—not just educators, social workers, and mental health professionals know about this research?

Why is this our collective responsibility?

Why does punishment add fuel to the fire?

Why is Emotional Abuse a Critical Area of Concern?

According to the American Society for the Positive Care of Children (SPCC) (2019) and Fang, Brown, Florence, and Mercy (2012) annual rates of abuse per category include: 491,710 children are neglected, 115,100 children are physically abused, 60,927 children are sexually abused, and 39,824 children are psychologically maltreated. While it is true that emotional and psychological abuse represents the smallest category of child maltreatment, emotional trauma occurs across abuse categories. Failure to be aware of the impacts of abuse over a child’s lifetime too often leaves the child, family, school, and community with inadequate support services. Failure to be aware of the lifetime impacts of childhood maltreatment in our country leaves those with the power to provide funding for preventative measures, legal support for victims, laws and policies that protect children, and a full array of services such therapeutic foster care, social work support, therapy, medication, and on-going monitoring woefully uninformed.

Additional Food for Thought

The total economic burden annually of child maltreatment in the United States is estimated to be $124 billion (Fang, et al, 2012). 14% of men and 36% of women in prison were abused as children (Fang, et al, 2012).

Children who are abused are nine times more likely to engage in criminal activity (Fang, et al, 2012). These facts and figures impact all of us directly or indirectly. Our economy, the safety of our communities, the effectiveness of our schools, and the productivity of our workplaces are affected when children and adolescents who are abused carry the damage done while they were young into adulthood.

Why Should All Adults—Not Just Educators, Social Workers, and Mental Health Professionals Know About This Research?

The community plays a role, for better or for worse in supporting a young person’s trajectory. Adults who interact with children and teens in a neighborhood, place of faith, community sports league, music instruction, visual and performing arts, and teen clubs can help or hurt. The impact of increased homeschooling and decreased attendance in places of worship on community interactions with children and youth cannot be dismissed. Approximately 3.3% of our nation’s children are homeschooled (National Center for Education Statistics (2019). Churches and places of worship have traditionally been the other institution where children and youth engaged with other adult, but church attendance has fallen significantly in recent years. Prior to 2010, attendance at a church, mosque, synagogue, or other place of worship was reported to be as high as 71% nationally. As of 2019, attendance in faith-based institutions was reported to have dropped to 41% (Jones, 2020). Adults who are willing and able to take an interest in a child or teen, listen, comment positively on a young person’s strengths, and encourage more productive decision-making without being punitive or rejecting make a difference. What may seem small or inconsequential to a child who lives with the security of a safe and loving family may make an immeasurable difference to a child who struggles to find his footing in an unpredictable world. An adult’s decision based on solid, research-based information to encourage wields restorative power.

Why is This Our Collective Responsibility?

Nuclear families cannot and do not raise their children in a vacuum. The health and well-being of our children represents the health and well-being of our future as communities and as a nation. Confucius said:

If your plan is for one year, plant rice.

If your plan is for ten years, plant trees.

If your plan is for one hundred years, educate children.

Our schools provide formal training in knowledge, concepts, skills, and applications of content to employment options. Of equal importance, however, is the education of our youth in the areas of social-emotional skill development (Goleman, 2005). EQ or emotional intelligence has been proven to be as essential as IQ in leadership, career advancement, health, and quality of life measures. EQ is associated with improved communication skills, problem-solving abilities, and relationships at work, at home, and in the community. EQ allows individuals to understand and manage their own emotions, realize their own potential, and extend greater levels of empathy and compassion to others. To facilitate greater social-emotional health in our youth benefits all of us whether we have children of our own or not.

Why Does Punishment Add Fuel to the Fire?

The toxic mix of abuse, trauma, and stress heaped upon an undeveloped nervous system with few models in the environment for how to self-regulate coupled with multiple acts and messages of rejection create a perfect storm within and around the child or adolescent. Wood and Long (1991) describe the conflict cycle that is so easily propelled into motion with young people (and adults) who have difficulty regulating and managing their emotions.

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