Commuter Bob

By Christine Lynn Lourenco

Bob Henley is a self-proclaimed complainer. By day, the married father of two is a Human Resources professional. At night, he is Commuter Bob, a popular blogger who is famous for shining a pessimistic light on the pains of commuting from New Jersey to New York City. None of his five million Facebook followers knows what Bob looks like and he is determined to keep it that way.

As Bob shares an array of complaints about those who share his daily commute on the train, he humorously describes the erratic behavior of the arm swingers, the unwritten code of silence loyally adhered to by commuters, what it is like to be squished like a sardine in a can, and the agony of train delays. While Bob continues on his journey to stardom, a journalist who is tirelessly working to break his anonymity is never far behindor so he thinks. Now only time will tell if he can maintain the secrecy behind his posts.

In this lighthearted tale, a mysterious man blogging about the annoyances of his daily commute to New York City must attempt to stay one step ahead of a journalist determined to reveal his identity.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Feb 22, 2017
• ISBN: 9781480843899

Christine Lynn Lourenco

Christine Lynn Lourenco holds a BA degree in Communication Studies from Montclair State University. She is a published author who has also written the beach read “For the Love of the Ocean.” Christine has always had a passion for reading and writing. When Christine is not writing, she is working in Human Resources, raising a teenage daughter, and can be found at her home on the Jersey Shore. She spends her free time shelling for sand dollars, photographing her husband and daughter surfing, and spending time with her family at the beach. Christine lives in New Jersey with her husband, daughter and two dogs.

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Copyright © 2017 Christine Lynn Lourenco.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Archway Publishing

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4808-4388-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-4389-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017902263

Archway Publishing rev. date: 2/22/2017

Contents

Chapter 1 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Personal Space And Seat Hoggers

Chapter 2 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: The Code Of Silence

Chapter 3 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Sardines

Chapter 4 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Start Your Day With A Delay … End It In Dismay

Chapter 5 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Aisle Accidently Kick You

Chapter 6 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Arm Swingers Anonymous

Chapter 7 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Headphones For The Deaf

Chapter 8 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Eating On The Train

Chapter 9 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Luggage Is Not A Person

Chapter 10 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: The Sports Crew

Chapter 11 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Train, Bus Or Drive?

Chapter 12 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: The Sleepers

Chapter 13 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Commuter Passer-Timers

Chapter 14 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: Commuter Characters – The Sweaty Bike Rider, The Singer, The Stinky Guy…Need I Say More?

Chapter 15 Commuter Bob Blog Of The Day: The New Commuter Bob

About The Author

This book is dedicated to the memory of Andy Reres. Commuting was never the same without you.

CHAPTER 1

Commuter Bob Blog of the Day: Personal Space and Seat Hoggers

Personal space—maybe you haven’t heard of it? I know there are a lot of people out there who have no idea what it is. And trust me—after riding the train to New York City every day, I speak from experience. Sometimes, you end up sitting next to someone dramatically overweight. They take up almost both seats, but at least there is a reason why. It’s worse when you sit next to someone who just decides to take up both seats.

Today on my morning ride, I had the pleasure of sitting next to one of those people who have no idea what personal space is. The first half of the ride was spent with this guy sleeping on my shoulder, despite my constant elbowing and saying Excuse me. The most uncomfortable moment, though, was the fact that he was also practically sitting on top of me. I mean, what the hell? There is such a thing as two seats here, not one and one-half for him and a half for me. Here I am scrunched up against the window, barely able to lean into the back of my seat without rubbing into this guy. In fact, I was sitting so close to the window that I wished it could pop open and I could jump out. I thought about getting up, but you know how that can be—if you get up, you get no seat at all. Besides, it’s an hour-and-a-half-long train ride to New York City and I am exhausted.

To make matters worse, the commute home yesterday uncovered the same problem. This time, the person chose to read a newspaper and every time he would turn the page, his elbow would reappear in my face. I mean, can you not see how close you are to me? Can you not see that you are about to hit me in the face with every page turn? I tried to do the squirm-around-try-to-get-comfortable-in-the-seat move to give him the hint that he was on top of me. Nothing worked! When he got off at Newark, New Jersey, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders—and I mean that literally!

Respecting personal space … not so much during a commute.

**

So, if you haven’t guessed, my name is Bob. Bob Henley is my full name, to be exact. I’ll admit it, I like to complain. I can’t help it. Commuting gives me enough drama to last a lifetime. I am neurotic and get annoyed easily. I drive my wife—and anyone who knows me—crazy with my complaining, but trust me when I say that commuting will drive even the best of us to go off the deep end on occasion.

I am married to a terrific lady named April and I’m a father to two beautiful children, Jake and Haley. Whenever I describe my wife and kids and use adjectives, I can’t help but feel like I am on the game show Wheel of Fortune. Did you ever notice how the contestants always introduce their significant others with adjectives? For example, My name is Mary, I am married to my terrific husband Jim and mother to our two amazing children Paige and Ryan. It’s like those contestants can’t be on the show without outdoing each other with adjectives. The next person will then say, My name is Brad and my partner in life is the supportive and beautiful Joanne. Brad had to make sure he outdid Mary. Now I have to outdo Brad and Mary and talk about my two amazing kids. My son is the handsome and energetic Jake, who is eight years old, and Haley, my beautiful and adorable daughter, is seven. I know they are close in age, but what can I say except it was a busy couple of years!

Oh, and did I mention I am also the writer of the most popular blog in New York City? It’s all about the joys (and I mean that sarcastically) of commuting. It shares the trials and tribulations of what it’s like to commute to work from New Jersey into New York City. Every day is an adventure, and I like to articulate that almost daily. The beauty of the blog is that no one knows who Bob is. They have no idea it’s me … an average guy in an average job. Commuter Bob is actually quite famous. Whether I am on the train or subway, grabbing a bite to eat or walking to work, everyone is discussing what Bob said today on his blog. Everyone is also trying to figure out who he is. There have been articles in the New York Times, the New York Post, the New Yorker Magazine, and tons of other publications profiling Bob. Russell Jacobs is one of the writers for the New York Post. He has been trying to catch Commuter Bob in the act forever. I even saw him on my train line a few times looking around doing investigative reporting. I guess he is a good reporter to go to that level of pursuit, but he hasn’t caught me yet. In fact, no one can solve the mystery, but they all enjoy reading and relating to the antics of a daily commute.

The kicker is Bob blogs right from the train almost every day, morning or evening, just to keep a little thrill in it all. Everyone tries to keep one eye open and not fall asleep during the commute to catch him in the act of updating the blog so they can discover his identity. But no one has caught him—or should I say me—yet.

The real Bob, unlike the famous blog-writer Bob, works in human resources in the wonderful city of Manhattan, also known as New York City, NYC, or the Big Apple. Regardless of what you call it, this city has been touted as the place where dreams come true and magic happens. But NYC is where I go because that’s where there are jobs that pay well. It’s not a city of magic and dreams to me, though. Maybe if the writers of those songs making New York City seem like a magical place had to commute and work here for a normal job, they may not feel the same way. Honestly, if Jay Z actually worked and commuted here, he would’ve changed the lyrics to concrete jungle that commuting to sucks.

Manhattan actually is a pretty spectacular place, as long as you don’t have to work here, are super rich, and like constant craziness. Architecture, restaurants, parks, celebrity spotting, landmarks, and museums are all over the place. There are literally sections of Manhattan and there are so many areas to explore. It’s actually a really fun and sensational city. Flatiron, the Garment District, Hell’s Kitchen, Little Italy, Chinatown, the Upper East Side, the Diamond District, the East Village … I could go on and on. It’s all really cool and hip to check out and explore. Just take my word for it—doing it on your own time and for your own pleasure is key. If only the commuting could match the sophistication of what the city has to offer.

I live in New Jersey and prefer to enjoy New York from afar. I like how truly diverse New Jersey is. People like to complain or make fun of New Jersey, but it’s actually quite beautiful. There are amazing beaches, mountains, farmland, the boardwalks, lighthouses, aquariums, museums, casinos, shopping, and more. It’s why I choose to live here away from the hustle and bustle of New York City. It’s also more residential in New Jersey. The schools are great and my kids can ride their bikes in our neighborhood. If I lived in New York City, I would need private schools, and going outside to play would take effort since you’d likely live in an apartment. I prefer the laid-back lifestyle of a community where I can watch my kids in the yard and get to know my neighbors. I can easily drive to the mall or grocery store, and when it’s raining, I pull my car in the garage. I like the simple things in life.

I work for a retailer called Caterpillars & Butterflies, or C&B. It’s a company for children and tweens. Children are the caterpillars—infants to elementary school age who are still growing and not quite developed. Our butterflies are the tweens who are finally turning into something else, something more beautiful and mostly just growing up. It’s a pretty cool concept and one of the leading children’s retail companies in the United States rivaling the likes of GAP, Justice, The Children’s Place, and Gymboree. I lead human resources and am in charge of hiring and recruiting.

As you can imagine, as a recruiter, it’s not hard to sell the perks of working in Manhattan. I can talk for hours about the tourist attractions and exposure to arts and education. I can discuss the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Ellis Island, the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Museum of Natural History, the Bronx Zoo, or even the Brooklyn Bridge. New York City really can feel magical, so it’s not that hard of a sell when describing it. However, if a candidate asks me about the commute, it’s hard not to lie. I can feel my face turn red and I literally get angry thinking about it. Picture my head turning into a teapot that boils and steam comes out the lid and screams. That’s how commuting makes me feel. I just take a deep breath, put on the show, and pretend it’s cool. I’ll say things like, It depends on where you live. From Northern New Jersey, it’s not so bad to get into the city. Truth is, I now live in South Jersey and it takes me just about the same amount of time it took me to get into the city when I lived in North Jersey. But, I figure since it is a little closer to Manhattan, people will feel like it sounds true. Maybe the distance to here wouldn’t be so bad if the ride were relaxing but my thoughts always go back to my commute. I can’t tell you how annoying my fellow commuters – the people riding the train – are. Like I said in this morning’s blog, they make me want to jump out an exit window. I usually compare recruiting to commuting in my mind all day long. If I am meeting with a candidate that I know is not the right fit, I imagine that exit window again and how I am pushing this unqualified and privileged millennial of a candidate out of the window. I know it sounds mean but people can drive you crazy just like commuting. They go hand in hand.

You would think it’s hard to come up with something to blog about every day but trust me when I say that something happens every single day. There is never a dull moment or a nice, peaceful commute day. There is always someone who elbowed you, stepped on your foot, or sat next to you smelling like an armpit. Or, there are issues with the train – it’s delayed; there is traffic; there is track work; there is a broken down train; there are switch issues; there is a trespasser death; or there is a bomb threat. It’s constant.

Commuting frustrated me so much that I started to write about it in my journal. I have kept a journal since I was a small child. Writing had always been a part of my life and calmed me. I still have every journal I have ever written in my office at home. One day I will go back and read them all and reminisce about the issues I wrote about: The first time I kissed a girl; the time I lost a relative and had to deal with death for the first time; or how I hated a certain teacher or classmate that picked on me. You name it – it’s in there! I haven’t written as much in my journal since April and I started a family. With work and the kids, it’s hard to find alone time to reflect. I felt like I needed to get this frustration out in some way before I snapped. One day, I saw my wife reading a cooking blog and a light bulb went off in my head. Blogs are popular. They have them for everything – cooking, reading, education, etc. I thought to myself, I am going to do a commuting blog. My only real alone time is on the train and it can serve as my journal in a way. I couldn’t help but think that there must be other people out there that feel the same way as I do about commuting. It couldn’t just be me. That’s how my blog was born.

Now, one year later, here I am as the most talked about blogger in New York City. I have been mentioned on network television, newspapers and magazines. My blog now posts to Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin.com. I have more fans on Facebook.com then the New York Yankees with over five million followers. It’s everywhere. I could probably come clean and say it’s me. I would get my ten minutes of fame and do as many interviews as I could to make as much money as I could. But, when that’s over … what comes next!? If I reveal my identity, the mystery is gone. People may not read my blog as much. Would they continue to be fans? Who knows what would happen. Besides, if people knew it was me, they would start to recognize me and treat me differently on my commute which could affect my writing. For the time-being, I am happy to be a mystery. I am happy to vent my frustrations with the commuting process through my mystery blog. I am just glad people read it and agree. I am glad I am not alone in my feelings about commuting. I feel like a celebrity; however, unlike a celebrity, I don’t have to worry about going out in public and having people stare. A simple life is what really makes me happy.

So, here I’ve just finished up an eventful morning with fellow commuters in my personal space. As I walk through the circular doors of my office building at C&B, I can guarantee there is at least one person here already. My boss, Helena, gets in at the crack of dawn every day and leaves after the sun goes down. She is a true example of a workaholic with no life. I am not saying that people don’t have a life just because they are not married, in their forties and work is important to them which is Helena’s situation. But let’s face it, in this case for Helena, it’s true. This woman’s life is her work. She doesn’t have any other life outside of here that I know of. She expects everyone else to have the same attitude too. I see her short brown hair and traditional suits a mile away. She is very conservative in her dress and looks the part of HR. You would think since we are in the fashion business (although the kids fashion business) she would take fashion a little more seriously and at least invest in some clothes from Ann Taylor. She may have pricey suits on for all I know, but they look exactly the same so it’s hard to tell. To me, she is a frustrating person because she just takes work way too seriously. When I see her on the elevator, I try to stand behind people and hope she doesn’t see me. I feverishly look down at my phone hoping she will think I was busy and not just ignoring her. I know it sounds horrible but trust me when I say that you would do the same if you had to work with this woman every day.

There is one thing that I do though to make my dealing with Helena bearable. Since you know I have an active imagination, I have a way that I envision her when I see her. What is that vision? Well, I see her as a hawk. I know it sounds weird but believe me when I say it’s very true. She is always eyeing everything, trying not to miss her prey. I see her brown hair turning into the feathers of brown wings flapping through the office and like any animal trying to survive, I hide and take cover. It’s all I can do to survive her and the work environment at C&B. The only good thing about this company is that I get a good discount on clothes for kids. The Hawk is always watching. She is always out to attack.

At C&B, I handle recruiting and we have our Human Resources Manager that handles the employee relations. Her name is Camille Santos. She seems to have it all … a great job, married with children and of course, best of all, the commute – one hour and fifteen minutes compared to my close to two hour commute. I am so jealous of those extra forty-five minutes she gets home earlier than me.

Camille is an attractive woman in her mid-thirties with blonde hair below her shoulders and green eyes. You just automatically feel comfortable around her. She is a mellow person and always has a smile and hello for everyone. Camille understands the office-Helena controversy. She knows I secretly call her the hawk and there have been times when I think Camille would like to become a superior animal and stalk The Hawk herself. Camille is reserved and not typically vocal. She, like her job entails, is a pretty confidential person. She doesn’t share too much about the office situations that she handles and she doesn’t contribute too much about Helena. But somehow, I know she is looped in and agrees. I vent to Camille all the time although I wonder if