Hair-Brained Humor: Humorous Stories from the Barber Shop

By Wayne Hayworth

Wayne Hayworth has been entertaining customers
as a barber for 47 years. He has ghost written other
books, but this is the fi rst book that openly carries
his name as author.
Wayne began his education at what is now
Multnomah University; he received a B.A. and
Masters degree from Christian International
Graduate School, Florida, and served in Christian ministry for many
years encouraging countless individuals.
Because part of barbering is human relations, Wayne hoped that this
book will make a positive contribution to the profession of barbering.
He happily lives in Portland, OR with his loving wife Lolita, and their
charming daughter Michelle.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 7, 2011
• ISBN: 9781477115930

Book preview

Copyright © 2011 by Wayne Hayworth.

ISBN:     Ebook     978-1-4771-1593-0

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form, by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise, except as allowed by United States Copyright law.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

CREDIT FOR ART WORK IN BOOK

Cover Design: Fritz Springmeier

Cartoonist: Kirk Charlton

Miscellaneous cartoons: See the List of Illustrations for the breakdown of extra art by author’s brother Larry Hayworth, who is also a barber, and also Fritz Springmeier.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

105829

Contents

About The Artist

Tonsure/Tonsorial

Introduction

Humor, Jokes And Jesting

Colossal Customers

The Haircut Challenged

Irregular Customers

Comb-Overs & Baldness

The Aggressive Eccentric

Beards & Mustaches

Odors

Keeping A Good Atmosphere

When The Barber Blunders

The Communication Challenged

The Drunk

Working On Children

Kids Do Say The Darndest Things

Scams & Thieves

The Handicapped

Hairpieces

Co-Workers

Barber College

Moffat Naval Air Base

The Merriot Hotel

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

COVER (Springmeier)

1. TONSURE/TONSORIAL (Hayworth)

2. CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT, BUT . . . (Charlton)

3. LARRY’S STRAIGHT CUT SLANT BOARD (Charlton)

4. WAYNE’S BLABER SHOP (Charlton)

5. CULD-E-SAC AGAIN? (Charlton)

6. THICK AND CURLY PLEASE (Charlton)

7. COLOSSAL 7’ TALL (Charlton)

8. TALL GUY CUT BY LADDER (Charlton)

9. COLOR OF KID WITH SQUIRT GUN (Charlton)

10. JOB ESTIMATE? (Charlton)

11. EXECUTIVE CUT (Charlton)

12. FLAT TOP PLEASE (Hayworth)

13. $7 FINDERS FEE (Charlton)

14. AGGRESSIVE—I WAS HERE FIRST (Hayworth)

15. GETTING A GOOD SEAT IN THE BATHROOM (Charlton)

16. TWO KINDS—AGREEABLE & BIGOTS (Springmeier)

17. DRUNK 6 MINUTES TIL PASSED OUT (Springmeier)

18. JOHNNY IS SUCH A GOOD BOY (Charlton)

19. BLACK/WHITE KID WITH SQUIRT GUN (Charlton)

20. MY TURN (Hayworth)

21. NAUGHTY GIRL MAYBEL (Charlton)

22. PLEASE TRIM MY MOP (Springmeier)

23. SO MUCH FOR SHAVING A BALLOON (Hayworth)

24. MILITARY CUT (Springmeier)

25. SCISSORS (Springmeier)

26. BARBER SHOP CLOSED FOR RETIREMENT (Springmeier)

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my Dad who infected me with his sense of humor, to my customers who are some of the funniest people on the planet, and my wife Lolita who constantly inspires joy and humor in my life.

ABOUT THE ARTIST

Kirk Charlton is a natural world-class artist who has previously illustrated books. Kirk was born in Hawaii but now resides in Portland, OR. From the age of 4, Kirk has been enjoying artwork. He is highly skilled in all the mediums of art including but not limited to oil, airbrushing, sculpturing, watercolors, and other mediums.

image002.jpg

TONSURE/TONSORIAL

A clipping off or shaving off of part or all of the head. Used for entering into monastic state, or of barbering in a humorous way.

Introduction

Yuck! You mean you have to touch people, my co-worker said when I told him I was going to be a barber. We worked cleaning kitchens and washing dishes at a hospital. Yes, barbers are one of the few who touch you as a business. We invade your personal space, which often leads to special friendships. That camaraderie is part of the stuff of this book, as well as the many humorous things that we encounter along the way. Please allow me a small margin for hyperbole or exaggeration to tell my story the way I actually felt. And know that I have no intention to be unkind or insensitive. Everything in this book is said in good humor, not in meanness. At the very soul of humor is good natured inappropriateness. I am a lover of people, which is why I chose to be a barber. It took me a while to learn not to take myself too seriously, then I found it almost automatic that I also do not take others too seriously. This has helped me immensely through life. I respect people but do not take them too seriously. I inherited a sense of humor, twisted as it is, from my Dad. Since it’s genetic I cannot be held personally accountable. It seems the harder life gets, the more the humor kicks in.

This collection of sayings and stories is the result of a mischievous barber meeting fun-loving customers. Any barber worth his salt has a good supply of jokes, stories and sayings. He is often the one who stirs things up and sets the tone. This prods others on and gets them talking. From all this blather he adds to his supply, which becomes an endless flow of new material to pass on.

This is not a typical joke book but a collection of humorous things I, or my fellow barbers have heard or experienced as we practice barbering. At the writing of this book, I have had forty six years of experience to draw from. That’s forty six years of constant jesting and bantering and goofing around. Those are my credentials for writing this book.

Humor, Jokes and Jesting

A man in his forties sat in my co-worker’s chair for the first time. She good naturedly asked, You want to take it all off? He acted shy and hesitant and said, Well, no, if you don’t mind I’d like to keep my shirt on. She didn’t crack a smile.

I told a middle aged customer, It’s getting more grey all the time, amigo. He answered, Yeah, my brains sprung a leak!

I asked a regular with thinning hair, you want a little off the top? He answered, Go easy, there’s only forty hairs there to do the work of thousands.

I was trying to explain to a regular as discreetly as possible, your hair is numerically thick, but individually fine. He looked confused as he tried to process this and finally said, Yeah, well the same to you, buster!

After finishing an elderly man’s haircut, I asked him if it was about right. He covered one eye with his hand and looked in the mirror. Then covered the other eye with his hand and looked. After repeating this process he said, With this eye I look great, but with this eye I look ugly. I gotta get that eye fixed.

One of my regulars had a Toyota exactly like my wife’s and I told him, Every time you drive up I get excited thinking my wife is coming to see me. The next time he drove up he came in saying, Hi honey!

An elderly man in bad shape shuffled into my chair. He seemed to have had a stroke which left him partially paralyzed. After finally getting seated he leaned over to tell me something in my ear. He said, I’m not really like this, I work for the C.I.A. and this is my cover.

Another older man in rough shape sat in my chair. I asked him how things were going. He said, They give me water pills that makes me go and half a Viagra each day so I won’t pee on my shoes!

Some customers love to tease us about what terrible barbers we are and how we always screw up their hair. I finally got a complaint form and hung it up. It is about the size of a postage stamp and I