The Joy (Not) of Online Dating. . . A Senior's Perspective

By JJ Evans

I am an idiot! That's right, I am an honest to goodness, true blue, naive, stubborn, American made, why-me, idiot!
And after reading this book, I'm sure you'll agree as to my statement. You may empathize with me, you may laugh at me, you may even agree with me, but one thing is for sure...I am an idiot!
This is a humorous (sometimes serious) look into the life of a frequent dater who, now being a senior, is still trying to find that elusive “perfect” partner. But while searching, just about everything goes wrong . . . with almost everyone!

But prior to this time, it is important to understand why this search became so elusive.
At a very young age, this author had been greatly influenced by the guidance his large Italian family offered, though he couldn’t understand their advice as they spoke in broken English while playing Bocce Ball. . . . hammered on Grappa!

Nonetheless, he observed couples whose relationships endured the test of time as they stayed loyal and faithful to one another. This made a lasting impression on this boy and I quickly realized that’s what I wanted out of life. But this search turned out to be very difficult to find and I endured many pitfalls and hardships along the way.

Years later, while still searching, I witnessed what REALLY goes on at nightclubs and up-scale bars. I met hookers, gays, women with no teeth, sex starved power drinkers, infidelity - and that was just one person!
My frustration eventually led me to commit to that horror of all horrors . . . online dating where I soon discover that these sites are filled with, hookers, gays, women with no teeth, sex starved power drinkers and infidelity!

But the author pressed on undeterred (somewhat). I even resort into trying a Testosterone Booster that will help guide me down that (also) elusive path of:
“I miei testicoli senior sono in ginocchio.” Which translates to - “My senior testicles are down by my knees.”

Will I ever find that elusive partner? Will the Testosterone Booster have any effect? Or will I be resigned into taking cold showers the rest of my life?

Even if you are not searching for a relationship, partner, companion, or friend, you will still find this book entertaining and amusing as you read about the shenanigans of a true blue, honest to goodness, dating idiot.

And if you happen to be one of the millions of souls that is looking for Mr. and/or Mrs. Right, then you may find this book to be helpful and hopefully give you the confidence needed to keep trying. . .especially after what happened to me!

• Language: English
• Publisher: JJ Evans
• Release date: Apr 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463231135

JJ Evans

In the past, I have written some newspaper and magazine articles. These articles usually circled around the hobby's and interests I am/was involved with. I have also written many reviews on numerous topics. Now this may not seem like a valid basis for writing a novel, but I received lots of feedback from people complimenting me on my writing. One person actually said that I should write a book...so I did.This first novel was something I always wanted to do. When I was in my teens, I had this question, as many people have had, as to what happens after you die. Is their a spiritual after life? Is their re-incarnation? Or what would happen if you experienced your own death and thereafter. Not quite sure as to HOW I obtained the idea. Probably from watching too many horror movies.But the book has a surprise ending which was the real basis for the book.Currently I have several writing projects in the works. My next novel will be a humorous look into the trials & tribulations of dating and senior on-line dating. Don't let the subject matter fool you; this is a very comical outlook on my dating woes. Will also be released in audio format soon.My next fictional novel will deal with the topic of re-incarnation. A petulant family man vehemently denies the existence of re-incarnation; until it happens to him. . . five times.The book will have strange and sometimes comical events that is bestowed on the main character.You can see a Book Trailer of The Ultimate Terror here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu1dxRHi7ew

Book preview

My Family - LaFamiglia

As I reflect on the past, it's a wonder I have survived it. I will forgo conveying many of life’s common-day maltreatments and just center on the dating aspect. If you decide that you would like to read my other life events, then please contact your local hospitals psychiatric wing as these stories are used to help train potential Doctors dealing with trauma.

In fact, they even read these life events to their patients to demonstrate to them that their life isn't all that bad in comparison.

After reading these non-essential stories, one patient actually wrote me and stated that after he studied my life, he felt cured of his own problems. His troubles seemed inconsequential now and he checked himself out of the hospital and is now a famous politician in Washington.

If you would like additional political humor, please go to Washington, D.C. and knock on any Government door as I am sure that whoever answers will have heard, at least once in their life that their governing methods are a joke.

To fully grasp the meaning, I am trying to convey in this story, it is necessary that you understand a little background of my life as this will play a pivotal role on how I developed my initial outlook on relationships.

I was brought up in a half Italian household. This would be my Mother’s side. My Father had only a sister and a cousin as family members while my Mother had about four million relatives; so naturally we gravitated to visiting her side of the family most of the time.

My Mother’s Grandfather and Grandmother were immigrants from Italy. They had nine siblings and most of them married and had children of their own, so you can see how large the family was becoming. Think of horny Italian rabbits. Better yet, think of Horny Italian rabbits that drink wine.

I had an Uncle that lived nearby and in the 1960’s and ‘70’s, he would frequently host family cookouts. Usually everyone from all of the nine families would attend. These get-togethers were special to everyone and growing up in this environment was enjoyable.

Think of the opening scene in the Godfather movie where all the people attended Connie’s wedding and that will give you some idea of my family.

Now eliminate the location, the clothes, the FBI, Sonny, page 27 from the book (you guys know what I am referring too), the food, the wedding cake, the band and all of the money in Twenty, thirty grand in small bills cash in that silk purse. Holy Toledo…, and now you have my family’s cookout.

But seriously we would have about fifty people there. Most of the boys would be playing football, while the girls played tag. The men would play Bocce Ball and the rest of the adults sat around talking. And of course, all the spirits were floating around everywhere. No, not the ghostly kind; the alcohol kind!

There was a rumor going around that if the local liquor store was running low in their inventory, they would call my Uncle to see if he had any extra to spare.

There was every kind of alcohol you could think of, including homemade ITALIAN WINE! And yes, I put those words in caps due to the reverence that all Italians feel towards that magic of all elixirs.

As I sat comfortably in my recliner, I closed my eyes and reflected on those great family get-togethers.

Before the cookout would begin, there was an Old Italian Tradition that needed to be performed. For many many years, the Elders or Il Sambuco would first travel to a special place and pick up a new crop of grapes for the homemade wine. You see, this is a special occasion as this not only marks the beginning of a new batch of wine, but it also signifies that last year’s wine is ready to go today!

In anticipation of this holiest of days, everyone would gather at my Uncle’s house in the early morning. All would be milling around as they waited for an unusual antique that the young men were bringing in from the shed. It was a very old altar that had been handed down from generation to generation. This altar was placed in the living room where the older Italian Mama’s painstakingly polished the wood to a pristine shine.

When the grapes arrived, everyone hushed and bowed their heads in reverence. The Elders would carefully place them on this altar and slowly step away. At this point everyone would pay homage by chanting in harmony the following Italian phrase:

"Avere la botte piena e la moglie ubriaca."

May your wine cask be full and the wife drunk.

After this ceremony, the grapes were carefully taken to a special vat that resided in the basement. Although this cellar was dank, dingy and had dirt floors, it was kept this way in honor of the family’s forefathers that made wine in this same type of environment.

While the room appeared gloomy, it still had its old-world charm. The large container was surrounded by fresh flowers and rosebuds.

Dean Martin music would be playing in the background as young virgins would now climb into the vat and stomp on the grapes releasing their magical juice. Even though these virgins had to walk barefooted on the dirt floor and transferred this dirt to the vat, this did not matter to the Elders as they were still upstairs getting hammered on Grappa.

While stomping on the grapes the two virgins (which had to be rented), would sometimes bump into each other and lose their balance. To compensate for this, they would face each other and lock arms.

Their dance would then become more rhythmic as they moved in unison to the Dean Martin music. Their movements slowed as they began to gaze into each other’s eyes.

Their bodies moved closer and their arms became embraced. This movement seemed appropriate as Dean sang Everybody Loves Somebody Sometimes…

The two virgins were now inches from each other, and they reached out and held each other tightly. Then they kissed! After which they began to remove each other’s clothes! As their heaving breasts were about to be exposed, a phone rang.

Phone?! What phone?! There’s no phone in this basement!

Then I woke up! Damn! While reminiscing in my recliner I had dozed off. It was all a dream! Well, at least the family cookouts were real.

But these functions would go on for hourrrrrs. And now you have the adult men and women drinking all day. By then, the women would be feeling pretty good and all talking to each other. I actually witnessed three women, talking at the same time, and having three entirely different conversations . . . and they understood each other!

The men were also feeling no pain as they continued playing bocce ball. However, now some of the balls were missing their mark as they landed in the garden, on top of a car, or on top of the dog. And they would still argue on whose ball was closer to the real intended target! But it was all in good fun and very few arguments would ensue.

As people from Italian descent will agree, we are very passionate and emotional with many things that we do. We tend to get upset easily and convey that dissention to other family members in the room.

In fact, non-Italians that have witnessed some of our conversations have commented on our mannerisms during a discussion. They will see us yelling and waving our hands around thinking a fist fight may break out at any moment. When, in actuality, these people are just having a normal conversation with no animosity intended.

We also have a dialect of our own and depending on what area of the country our family settled in, that dialect had its own distinctive flair. For those that don’t understand this, here is a brief example. I will write this in two different ways. The first line will be the dialect in normal English followed by the way my Italian relatives might say it.

Picture this: Two Italian guys, one named Antony and the other is Frank, are going to sit at a table and have a meal. The discussion would go something like this:

Antny - Hello Frank, how have you been?

Yo Frankie, howz it hangin?

Frank - Good Anthony, how about you?

A-ite Ant, how bout chew?

Antny -Can’t complain. Just the usual stuff.

Fawgetaboutit, same old shit.

Frank - Have you had anything to eat yet?

Jeet?

Antny - No, how about you?

Nah, chew?

Frank - No. Let’s sit down by that window. But first I’d like to go to the men’s room. Can you order me the asparagus appetizer? It comes with three of them.

Nah. ‘Cmon and let’s sit by da winda. I’m gonna go to da baffroom. Order me the sparagrass app. Comes wit tree of ‘em.

Antny - Sure. But aren’t you allergic to asparagus?

A-ite. But arnch youz allergic to sparagrass?

Frank -No. Everything’s fine. Afterwards, I was thinking we might go to Atlantic City. Last time I was there I won a large payout at the slots just because I played five quarters. Hopefully I won’t lose too much if we go.

Nah. Fawgetaboutit. Youz wanna go to Lannick Ciddy? Last time I got a youuuuge pot at da slots, cause I played five quarters. Gah-forbid I won’t lose too much if we go.

You get the idea? If you think that dialect was comical to read, that was nothing. You should have seen spell check losing its mind while typing that!

As I attended many of these family events, the one thing a very young subconscious mind picks up is how men and women, in my family, treat each other. There are some that are loving, respectful, admirable and some that are unhappy and indifferent. But looking back, the one area that made an impression on me is that they stayed together. Divorce was very rare. Their vows meant something back then and although they probably had difficult times, they stayed together.

Sure, some were unhappy and wanted to dissolve the marriage, but they didn’t. Now you could argue that they lived in an unhappy environment and people like that should divorce. This is a debate that is not intended for here. But it is to demonstrate how an impressionable young boy notices these things as his mind is in a nurturing state.

As a teenager, I witnessed many non-family relationships that were good and bad. Many couples yelled at each other and argued for a long time. Some stayed angered for days, would continue arguing, and remain upset again. I watched TV movies where couples hated each other and would never talk or work things out. I always wondered how anyone could live this way? They were so unhappy. I didn’t realize, at that time, how life can make you that way.

But I also witnessed great relationships. I witnessed senior couples walking down the beach, hand in hand. How amazing that looked to have been married that long and still holding hands. Wow! That’s what I wanted. Of course, they could have just met each other a week ago and were having an affair; but let’s just stick with my scenario.

I had quite a few relatives that were happily married and weren’t afraid to show this affection in public. While speaking with them, sometimes the conversation of relationships and/or marriage would come up. And the one thing that every single one agreed on was to have a successful union it is imperative that you talk things out, good and bad.

Without communication, you were going to have difficulties. And of course, another trait that is essential was respect. Once communication and respect were lost, you are probably destined for failure.

Yep, a great relationship; that’s what I wanted. But I was soon to find out that the amazing relationship everyone is after was very elusive. While growing up you don’t realize how upcoming life events will leave an indelible mark on your life. These events can be life changing in either a positive or negative way.

But what I wasn’t prepared for was soon to happen.

CHAPTER 2

The First One - Lana

When I was fourteen years old, I met my first girlfriend. She was the sister of a good friend of mine and lived just down the street. Her name was Lana. She was a very pretty girl and was only a year younger than me.

Naturally, when you are at this age, expressing your desires to the opposite sex can be a frightening ordeal. Believe me, at this point, you find out really quick just how much courage you possess. So, if I wanted Lana to know my intentions, I had to reach way back into my soul to pull out every ounce of bravery I needed. That’s when I found out I had no courage at all and was a real chicken shit. So, I did the next best thing; I invoked the aid of a friend.

Hey Jimmy, do you think Lana likes me? Do me a favor, tell her I like her. And as Jimmy approached Lana, I would do the only manly thing I understood at that age…I ran into another room, scared to death, and pretended I belonged there; even though it was her parent’s bedroom and her parents were there, in their bed! What they were doing was also new to me and let’s just say that I developed a new found knowledge of odd positions and moaning and groaning.

After a couple more weeks of questioning and passing love notes back and forth, Lana and I became a couple.

When we finally shared a kiss, it was the first kiss in our lives for the both of us; it was obviously a magical, enjoyable moment. So, what do you do when you come upon something enjoyable, you keep doing it; over and over and over.

Two days later, I decided I'd better stop and go home as my parents were beginning to worry where I was. And besides, my lips were getting swollen. Well, not really, my parents probably didn't realize I wasn't even home.

Why, you ask? It wasn’t like it is today. When we were kids, we rarely were in the house. In the summer or on weekends we'd get up, go outside and either play basketball, whiffle ball, handball, etc., or play pinochle.

Then at night, when the lights went on over the neighborhood basketball courts, most would play basketball. At about 10:00 pm, we would finally go home...and then do it all over again the next day.

So, when I say that after two days of kissing, like I said, they may not even have realized that I wasn't home.

Now, Lana and I are a couple. When you are that age, a relationship makes an impression and you take it seriously. After a very long relationship (two weeks), it was decided that we would go steady. We wouldn't date any other person. For me this was important since, in my neighborhood, there were about twenty guys and only two other girls. But I still found it necessary to promise her that I wouldn't go out with any other girl . . . even though the other girls in my neighborhood were only five and nine years old.

But seriously, I didn't realize at that time, how the upcoming events would have a big impact on my life. A big impact.

So, during the summer, Lana and I continued our serious relationship. It was love! Life was great. Lana would fuss over me every time she saw me. She made me feel special as if no one else