Moments with M.E.

By Mary Ellen Bauer

Who am I? Welcome to M.E., I am a legally blind, very over weight, dedicated mom, loving wife and unique individual. I like being silly; I carry a rather serious tone, and am usually quite open minded. Its taken me my entire life to learn about who I am. I think I like M.E.; I hope you enjoy reading about M.E. as much as I have valued sharing my life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 29, 2011
• ISBN: 9781462863075

Mary Ellen Bauer

Who am I? Welcome to M.E., I am a legally blind, very over weight, dedicated mom, loving wife and unique individual. I like being silly; I carry a rather serious tone, and am usually quite open minded. It’s taken me my entire life to learn about who I am. I think I like M.E.; I hope you enjoy reading about M.E. as much as I have valued sharing my life.

Book preview

Copyright © 2011 by Mary Ellen Bauer.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2011906552

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4628-6306-8

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4628-6305-1

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4628-6307-5

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

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Contents

Acknowledgements

Chapter 1 My First Breath

Chapter 2 Growing Up As M.E.

Chapter 3 Kick Off To Young Adulthood

Chapter 4 Tragic Lessons Of Young Adulthood

Chapter 5 College Chaos

Chapter 6 Vacation From The Think Tank

Chapter 7 Back To Business

Chapter 8 Valuing Education

Chapter 9 Lessons In Love

Chapter 10 Our Family Building Blocks

Chapter 11 Cost Of Friendship

Chapter 12 I Did It Again

Chapter 13 Tommorrow’s Realization

Chapter 14 One More Try

Chapter 15 The Dating Game

Chapter 16 Small World Big Hearts

Chapter 17 Does Mr. Perfect Exist?

Chapter 18 Nurturing Family Life

Chapter 19 Our Extended Family

Chapter 20 Health Issues

Chapter 21 Shocking News

Chapter 22 We Just Kept Growing

Chapter 23 A Trip To Remember

Chapter 24 Surrviving The Sad Storms

Chapter 25 Life’s Circle Continues

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

There are so many fantastic people who truly deserve my respect and appreciation. I will begin by thanking my family and friends for their invaluable roles in my life. Sharing my life and being blessed with others sharing their lives with me has been an amazing treasure. Being granted the ability to positively influence others is a priceless gift. Beholding the capability to correctly judge the experiences one endures is incredibly important. I have been very lucky in that I have been touched by numerous wonderful people, several fabulous experiences, and countless incredible environments; thus drawing this healthy combination of factors into the circle entitled Mary’s life.

My family has been fantastic to me throughout my life. I must graciously thank my sister, Sharon for her support and love throughout my life. She has always been a superior helper, friend, and sister. My dad is my soul. He has been a tremendous hero to me. He has always been on my side regardless of how foolish or wrong I may have been at the time. His support, love, and spirit are an invaluable treasure. My brother, John, is a character of his own. His laughter will go down in history as being the best medicine a person could ask for in life. A special notation must grace this acknowledgement on behalf of my niece, Julia and nephew, Jeffrey. They have always been a remarkable part of my life. I love and respect them as if they were my own children. My brother-in-law, Jeff, has carried out the role of personal tormentor; no man has picked on me more or kept me on my toes quite as much as he has. All in all, I was raised by the best of the best.

Husbands are in a class all by themselves. Bruce is not my better half, he is my equal partner. Sharing my life with him has been like riding one of the most amazing roller coaster rides at the amusement parks; it has been filled with thrills and twists. He has truly been the wind beneath my wings; together we soar, alone we fall. I thank him for his love and for accepting my love. I truly recognize the miracle of our marriage.

My children are the most precious blessings. I thank God for their hearts. Jamey, Shelly, Ambre, Breanna, Maranda, Brian, and Michael are the most incredible people in my life. Their love has been my most cherished gift. I am so blessed to grow through life as their mom, friend, and partner.

It is an impossibility to include all of my fabulous friends’ names in this acknowledgement. I will attempt to briefly mention those whom have most graciously influenced my life. Lori was a wonderful friend who carried me through the hardest years of my young life. Brian, Steve, Red, Russ, and Amy will always be my favorite playmates. We share a fun filled track record throughout our life together. Ben and Nikki are sweet treasures. I love their personalities and spirits. Don is a mystical character, all his own. Paul, Tabby, David, Becky, Jerry, Danyl, Andrea, Stephanie, Fanny, and Wendy are just fantastic people. I am so happy to embrace life with them. I must express my truest gratitude for three incredible people: Dr. Dan Sajdak, Dr. Bryan Jewitt, and Dr. Jerry Beerends for their remarkable medical skills and precious friendships. I warmly offer them my respect, appreciation, and love. Lonnie, is my soul mate, side kick, and special hero. Life is so much better with him in it. Sharing a mutually respectful, loyal, sassy, fun, serious and dedicated love with my friends has been the secret behind my life.

I must make a special note to ask God to deliver a silent message to all those angels he has in heaven. Mom was and shall always be my hearts truest treasure. I dearly miss and love my friends: Kimetha, Penny, Jeanette, and Beth, whom have touched my soul before leaving our earth to enjoy the comforts in heaven.

Please forgive me if I have forgotten to mention you in this piece. It is not that your life is not important to me; it is that I have been touched by so many wonderful people that it is difficult to remember all of those remarkable blessings. Though your name has not been highlighted, you are personally well aware of how dearly I respect and honor all of those whom have touched my life. I thank all of you from the top and bottom of my heart.

CHAPTER 1

MY FIRST BREATH

Were my needs? Did my wants even matter? People were unsure as to what to do for me, what I could see or do, who I was, I was a kid trapped between two worlds.

Reminiscing pathways traveled throughout one’s yesteryears may bring forth floods of bittersweet tears. Pleasant memories may be easily accessed, but those beholding insecurities may struggle to remain imbedded within the archives of one’s mind and soul. Implementing selective memory may serve as a temporary crutch; however one’s conscience will quickly override this scapegoating mechanism. Experiences one chooses to ponder will willingly surface welcoming joyous celebration amongst one’s friends and families. Roads harboring hardships or obstacles are those which will battle re-travel; thus fight to remain hidden. It is throughout this memorable journey that I as the writer shall attempt to share the collection of my life with honesty, honor, and heart.

Let us begin our soul searching endeavor, my name is Mary Ellen. I am 46 years old, married to my husband, Bruce for 15 years, and the mom of seven children. This story will highlight many attributes of my character: visual, obesity, individualism, marital, and motherhood. I may not sound very interesting, but believe me getting this far in life has definitely created many treasureable and share worthy moments.

I was born November 12, 1964 to my parents, Wilmer and Bev Schmidt. I was a blessing to my older siblings: John and Sharon. Our family was a lower middle class farming family located in the small town of Kewaskum, Wisconsin. We didn’t have expensive things, but we had a comfortable lifestyle filled with friends, animals, hard work, and fun. I guess you could call us the typical American family. Maybe our family appeared typical, but readers let me tell you, there wasn’t anything typical about M.E., Mary Ellen.

My life’s time line began quite normally. I was born cute, chubby, and perfectly sighted. It appeared that I had it all. I was a very happy child. Honestly, I was a sassy spoiled brat who always had a way of getting my way. It wasn’t until I turned seven that my life struck its first critical point. This typical child would no longer be normal.

German measles was my enemy. I fell victim to one of its many side effects, an attack on my visual capabilities. My retina had been destroyed. I had no central vision. The only sight that I had was very limited peripheral or side vision. I could no longer see a written page, the stars in the sky, my mom’s sweet smile; in fact, there wasn’t much I could see. The doctors dropped the diagnosis bomb, I was legally blind.

Years of research and medical appointments would answer only a few questions. It became evident that the German measles may have appeared to be the obvious cause, but in all actuality there were several underlying factors which were much more complicated and hidden. I had other family members, my older sister and a first cousin, who also suffered from serious visual incapabilities, but yet we were each diagnosed with different diseases; however the same ending result, legally blind.

Doctors did not know where to turn. They were capable of finalizing very few scientific points. They determined that this disease was a genetic issue on my mother’s side, it attacks only women in our family, and that it may be related to our Indian heritage. Beyond this level, no answers have ever come to light. Regardless of a million tests, procedures, and doctors, I had no where to turn. A miracle was my only hope, without one, I was and would always be legally blind.

Attitude truly governs one’s ability to survive one’s life. My attitude was traumatically stressed and required a great deal of understanding. Being legally blind is much like the old cliché caught between a rock and a hard place . I struggled to belong somewhere, but I couldn’t quite fit in to either world, that of blind or sighted people. I wasn’t sure who I was as an individual. My self image was horribly torn.

I was very fortunate to have several family members and friends help me to overcome visual issues or obstacles. My mom, grandma, and best friend read to me all the time. I survived the chores of homework thanks to their hard work and love. My dad was the best chauffeur a kid could have asked for in life. He put on a million miles throughout my teenage years, young adulthood, and in fact still offers a ride today. I was blessed with a wonderful support system, but I hated having to be helped.

I couldn’t survive alone. I felt as though I had to be smothered with help to exist. I didn’t know who I was anymore. . It was like being trapped inside myself with no way out. It is horrible trying to help somebody who doesn’t want to be helped. Privacy was a luxury that I couldn’t be afforded. What could or couldn’t I do on my own? Would I be safe alone? My most significant insecurity, being legally blind, has been announced. It will highlight the momentum throughout this reflection.

I have an enormous favor to ask of you, my reader. Please take a moment in your life to attempt to live as I must live. I think if you were to walk a mile in my shoes , or see a day with my eyes, it would draw us closer together, writer to reader. This may be a difficult task to master, but it will prove to be well worth our united efforts. This process must involve two steps: identifying my visual factors and transferring these factors from my shoulders to my readers.

Please allow me to describe my visual tone, so that you have a better understanding of my visual handicap. I do not see as a totally blind person, meaning that I do not live in darkness. I see as though there is a constant blurry fog which moves or jumps. My vision is affected by several factors: lighting, distance, familiarity, and positioning. I see best in moderate lighting. Bright lights, such as florescent are very stressful for my eyes. Objects that are too far away will never hit my visual radar. I have very limited visual range. I actually see much better, if I am more familiar with my surroundings; it is much easier to see something, when you know to look for it or if you are aware of its presence. Positioning refers to things such as stairs, curbs, declines, and inclines. I cannot see a change in elevation; therefore making it dangerous for me to travel in unfamiliar areas without a mobility aid. Note, a mobility aid may be a white cane or guide dog. Drawing these factors into the spectrum of how my visual abilities or disabilities function may be a challenge.

Allow me to sight a few examples. I cannot see things that are too far away. It is very difficult for me to see small print, details, or images. Defining a more specific example may prompt my memory to the first time I stopped to look at my mom’s face when she was smiling. I suddenly and sadly realized that I couldn’t see her beautiful facial features. A second reflection may be when thinking about the first time I picked up my favorite book and realized that I could no longer see the words. It looked like a dark line on the page because I couldn’t make out the letters. I think one of my worst memories was when I went on a class trip to the museum and fell down the steps. I felt foolish; my pride was hurt more than my body. How may we achieve the unification of our unfamiliar lifestyles?

Let us begin an experiment. Selecting three visual tasks that are normally taken for granted by people with normal visual capabilities, but is difficult for visually challenged people, may close the gap between our two worlds. Put a pair of blurry glasses on and try to go grocery shopping for ten items. Did you need to ask for help? How many incorrect items did you accidentally purchase? Did you feel stressed or embarrassed? Isn’t shopping fun? Sit down in the most comfortable chair in your home; don’t forget those glorious blurry glasses, and watch, well to the best of your new disability, a movie. It is quite possible to follow a movie plot when the dialogue is flowing, but comprehending the silent parts may present much more irritation. Place a blindfold over your eyes or simply close your eyes. Walk ten yards. Did you get startled? Did you open your eyes? Were you nervous? I am sure these every day tasks are completed thoughtlessly, but removing one’s crutch, vision, makes it much more of a stressful task verses a routine function. Sadly, these are the hardships that I must cope with throughout my lifestyle. Day by day, year by year, I had to toughen up and find the strength to not only survive, but live my life to its fullest potential.

CHAPTER 2

GROWING UP AS M.E.

It is time to make another stop along my life’s timeline. I think we are in need of a good laugh, so I invite you to celebrate my 12th birthday. My parents were at their wits end trying to think of what to do for my birthday. I couldn’t invite friends to a movie night because it would look foolish for a legally blind kid to have a movie party. It wouldn’t be appropriate for a legally blind kid to have a bowling party. The perfect idea finally popped up. My family took me dancing. Mom bought me a cute dress. My sister helped me get ready. Dad was having a blast teasing me about finding a cute dance partner. Our family finally showed up at the dance hall. There was a huge crowd. I quickly found a table for our family to sit at and enjoy the music.

It was noisy, but not noisy enough. I could still hear people whispering about the cute blind girl. My first reaction was to be embarrassed and hurt, but then anger kicked in to accompany all my other emotions. I was very disappointed. I snapped at my mom and wanted to go home. She begged me to calm down and make the best of my birthday.

My dad went up to the band and requested a special song for him and me to dance together. The people actually cleared the floor. They seemed amazed that a blind kid could dance. Thank goodness all those lessons my dad and sister had given me were really going to pay off.

I decided to take my mom’s advice. I sat there and thought about just how foolish these people really were acting. Several people congratulated me on both my birthday and ability to dance. I smiled, but inside I kept thinking what hypocrites.

You know what all young kids like, money to spend on whatever they want. I quickly thought out a scheme to take advantage of the crowd’s ridiculous attitude. I walked around pretending that my visual capabilities were much less than they truly were so that everyone would feel sorry for me. I went person to person asking if they would pay me one dollar to dance with them so that I could save up for things to help my handicap. What suckers, I collected forty dollars before mom caught me and put a stop to my poor me bucket of cash. I had a blast spending my money; this blind kid bought a stereo. Now I could dance to my favorite music whenever I wanted.

Dancing was about the only real exercise I got those days. I didn’t participate in school gym because the teachers were afraid that I would get hurt. I was sent to study hall to write reports about sports, rather than actively learning them in gym class. There were a few times when my teacher would try to include me in our group. I really enjoyed volleyball, baseball, and track, but I was awful at all of them. I remember a few classmates who were great sports and tried to help me enjoy participating. Amy, one of the best volleyball players on the team, took her time to hands on show me how to serve the ball. I was fascinated with how to hold it and strike the ball when serving. Stuart, a class hottie made me feel like gold when he found a way that I could play baseball. He took his time to help me hold my bat, so that I wouldn’t always miss the ball. He even hit for me, a homerun, so that I could get credit for it and run the bases like it was my own hit. It sure made up for all the times when I was the last kid chosen for the team or all the times when the ball hit me in the head. Bill, one of my favorite old classmates, discovered that track and field could use me. I sucked at most everything, but this big farm girl could throw the shot-put farther than most of the boys. I couldn’t do much, but I was great at that one thing. I didn’t burn off many calories, but it was one time when being the class cow wasn’t so bad. Overall the less I was capable of participating in, the more weight I gained. I wasn’t just the freak for being the legally blind girl, but now I was the fattest girl in class. My life was tormented with two horrible attributes: legally blind and horrible obesity.

Time marches on; let’s check out my middle school years. Do you enjoy Halloween? Kewaskum Middle School was having a costume contest for the classmates. My sister went all out to dress me up as a hobo my seventh grade year and a witch my eighth grade year. Sharon, my sister, did a fabulous job, I won first place both years.

Kids can be cruel; especially when they are sore losers. The winning prizes included: a large bag of candy, a certificate for a small pizza, and a pass for the movies. I was so excited and proud to have won, that is until I overheard many of my classmates making fun of me. The comments that hurt my feelings the most revolved around my visual issues and overweight troubles. I can still hear the vicious remarks today, She makes a great ugly witch because she is already fat and ugly., Mary isn’t smart enough to know how stupid she looks because she can’t see herself., and the worst remark, It is dumb for people to vote for her, all she needs is to eat all those treats, get even fatter and then she will never fit through the movie theater door to not watch, but sit there looking stupid listening to a movie. What a waste of a prize. I didn’t feel like a winner anymore, I felt like an embarrassed loser.

The clock kept ticking, there was no time to cry, high school was quickly creeping up and I was looking forward to a new challenge. Little did I know what a difficult and demanding tour of duty it would truly be? The school was much larger. This meant that it would require a great deal of mapping memorization. I would have to make several trips to the school to walk the school’s layout. I was sure to include numerous trips around the exterior as well. I knew that I would be much safer and secure with my surroundings if I were to preplan and prepare myself. This knowledge would increase my functional capabilities and decrease my stressful risks. One could call it homework at school before schoolwork would be sent home. Ready or not, it was time to start high school.

Freshman year faced a scary beginning. I think that is normal for all freshmen. My obstacles felt enormous, but were actually few: seeing the locker combination lock, coping with larger number of rude peers, and accomplishing assigned tasks. I gathered as much energy as possible and followed my mom’s advice, just do my best.

My first obstacle was the combination lock. The numbers were too small to see, so I could not store my books or supplies in my locker. I had to carry everything with me from class to class. The teachers did not like this, so they suggested that I give my combination to a few students near my locker so that they could help me open it when I needed to enter it for something. What a wonderful idea. WRONG! It didn’t even take three days and my locker had been destroyed. I had many items stolen, several text books damaged, and numerous classmates denying their guilt.

Finally, one month before ending my freshman year, a janitor handed me a key for my locker. He said, he couldn’t stand watching me struggle another day. I was grateful, but thought, Why in the world did it take him so long to give me the stupid key. Obstacle one conquered.

My feelings were easily hurt. Kids can be cruel. How was I to cope with the harshness of my classmates? I had three years of high school to conquer. Crying only made matters worse. Hiding at home, running away, nor joining the military could serve as possible options for a legally blind fat kid. It was time to face my fears. I had to have a very long talk with myself. No, I wasn’t crazy. I had to find the strength within my own mind and heart. I knew there was only one answer, be myself. I stopped being a whiney teenager and toughened up my personality. I began joining extra curricular activities. Teachers and students actually appreciated my ideas. I made a difference to other people. School became fun.

My sophomore and junior years were a breeze. I deserved a tension break. My family could relax for a bit and expel a huge sigh of relief. Life was running smoothly just like a finely tuned engine that had been carefully designed, cautiously babied, and cleverly programmed, in fact, things were going so well, that I got a little cocky.

The number one reason for my life getting better was a remarkable change in my attitude. I worked to be a more positive person. Resources such as: readers, materials, and teachers were all working out very well. I began questioning why other students couldn’t complete their assignments; after all they didn’t have to deal with half of the difficulties that I had to manage. I even stepped up to the plate and volunteered as a tutor for classmates who needed help. It was an honor to be useful. Joining extra curricular activities was a blast. Encouraging others to participate meant even more. My memberships included: German club, American Field Service, Spanish club, Future Teachers of America, and Smoke Signals, our school newspaper. I was even good enough to hold office positions such as being the editor of the paper. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.

Senior year presented many new challenges. Most of my stable resources had dissipated. Several of my friends who had been reading for me had graduated, so there were very few people to turn to for help. The teachers who were most familiar with my needs had either retired or quit. Training new teachers was incredibly difficult. The primary funding had been cut which provided for visual aids; therefore, I had a very serious time getting the necessary materials to assist me with my visual requirements. It seemed to be one obstacle after another. Being a senior was supposed to be the best year of school, but instead it was like watching the clock tick one minute at a time. I couldn’t wait to graduate and get the hell out of there.

Summer was a God sent. I desperately needed a couple months to recuperate from high school and prepare for college. Recuperating came in because of partying too much, but I just had to hit every graduation party in town,