College on the Rocks: A Collection of Humor Columns

By David Jakielo

College on the Rocks is a collection of humor columns published for The Duquesne Duke, Duquesne Universitys weekly student newspaper, by multi-time award winning humor columnist David Jakielo.

This laugh-out-loud series of columns, in chronological order, showcase the progression of a humor columnist as he writes about topics that range from his being Santa Claus in a local community to dancing topless at Spring Break in Cancun with Santa Claus. Other topics include:

Davids Dad Turning 50: He is one-year closer to collecting social security while I am one-year closer to obtaining the deed to our house.

Academic Tests: Tests call for the student to become addicted to caffeine pills so that they can commit many terms and ideas to short-term memory.

The Job Fair: A job fair is where representatives from various companies gather to briefly speak with many unemployed people they have little interest in hiring.

Body Hair: A puberty-related matter that consistently haunts us throughout life, especially when it clogs our shower drain.

How to Find the Right Dentist: Ask yourself important questions like, Why is there a power chainsaw in the dentists office? and Why is this dentist toothless?

This is like no college literature ever published before...this is College on the Rocks!

What People Are Saying

"Hilarious views on college and beyond. This book is a great selection of laugh-out-loud columns not just about the craziness of college but also life in general. Tales of his wild college adventures were hilarious and had me reliving my own. But David Jakielo also easily manages to make topics such as recycling, plagiarism and the Democratic presidential caucuses funny and entertaining. The column in which David grows a beard to " go against the trend and embrace his body hair" had me stopping to wipe the tears from my eyes. I recommend this book to anyone who loves a good laugh and smart writing."

Nicole Reig
Duquesne University, 05
McMurray, PA

"My son and his friends enjoyed the book College on the Rocks. As recent high school graduates, the book provides a great introduction to the college years that lie before them."

Karen Olson
KLO Professional Billing Inc.
Westmont, IL

"I found David Jakielos book, College on the Rocks, highly entertaining. His views of college life and the motivation and habits of his classmates were unique and insightful. His reflections on the constant balancing of parents, professors, and money, while all the time pursuing girls, drinking, and a job, kept me entertained throughout the book."

Douglas D. Irwin
Director of IT
CBIZ/MMP/TriMed
Flint, MI

The Columns

THE FRESHMAN OBSERVER
The Name of the Game(02.21.02)

SOPHOMORIC HUMOR
Classin or Clubbin (09.05.02)
Dumb People Make for a Blockbuster of a Good Time (09.19.02)
How Hooked Up is Your Ride? (10.10.02)
Can You Tell Me How I Got Back to Sesame Street?
Hell on Wheels (02.27.03)

JUNIOR JOCULARITY
Before Reality, There is the First Week of School (08.28.03)
Over The Hill and then Some (09.18.03)
O Canada! We Play Our Harmonicas to Thee (10.02.03)
Making the Magic Happen (10.09.03)
Recycling: Not Just for Old Jokes (10.16.03)
A Trip Down Memory Lane with Mr. Martini (10.30.03)
The Caucuses are Coming (11.06.03)
Put Your Cell Phone on Silent (11.13.03)
Read This Since Studying is Overrated

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 21, 2006
• ISBN: 9781462842315

David Jakielo

DAVID JAKIELO is a 2005 graduate of Duquesne University where he wrote for the school’s weekly student newspaper, The Duquesne Duke. He was The Duke’s weekly humor columnist, a desirable position for those who want their opinions to reach people who often read the paper while sitting on the toilet. A multi-time award winning columnist, he wrote over 100 humor columns for the publication under the titles “The Freshman Observer,” “Sophomoric Humor,” “Junior Jocularity” and “Senior Symposium.” He lives in Pittsburgh, Pa.

Book preview

THE FRESHMAN OBSERVER

THE NAME OF THE GAME

In the summer of 1992, at the age of nine, I started my rookie season as a swimmer. That season climaxed when I won Future Great for my communities’ swim team, an award equivalent to Rookie of the Year. Touching, isn’t it?

Therefore, since swimming is a legitimate sport recognized as such by the Olympic committee and I myself have won an award in it, albeit a decade ago for the Crafton Crocodiles and not the United States of America, I am justified in judging whether or not certain Olympic events belong in the Winter Games.

Without further ado, I think it would be in the best interest of the Olympic committee to re-evaluate the following events:

Skeleton: Most people at some point in their childhood stand at the top of a snow-covered hill and say, I should try going down this hill head first! Afterwards, since the person just collided with a tree, they come to the conclusion that this was not the best idea.

As it turns out, this very situation is an Olympic sport known as the skeleton. This is actually the second time the skeleton has been recognized as an Olympic event. It was also featured in the 1948 games. In those games from yesteryear, winners did not win medals, but champagne.

Perhaps this was to reimburse the entrant for the alcohol they drank while being talked into the event.

Luge: The luge is similar to the skeleton except it features athletes who devote their lives to traditional sled riding and not the unorthodox face first method of the skeleton. I have more respect for luge participants because unlike the lazy competitors in the skeleton, they must point their toes in order to gain maximum speed.

Obviously these people are gifted athletes.

Ice Dancing: In their quest for Olympic gold, it seems the competitors in ice dancing could have spent the extra time and money on lessons learning how to master the art of jumping and thus, be known as figure skaters. Instead, they are reduced to frolicking on the ice with the only real danger being what color skirt and full-length trousers the couple should perform in.

Curling: I think we can all agree that curling has about as much of a right to be labeled an Olympic sport as, say, lawn mowing.

Curling, which originated in Scotland, features two teams of four players. The goal of the game is for each team, with two stones per player to slide eight stones over ice towards a circular target. To a certain degree, it’s like ice hockey—without the excitement.

Speaking of excitement and stones, I have a cousin who once passed a stone. Sadly, she did not receive a gold, silver or even a bronze medal for her efforts.

It went unconfirmed during my research whether or not drinking scotch is advised in playing the Scottish game of curling. My sources tell me that it certainly couldn’t hurt. The real question is, when deciding at a young age what sport one should master, who picks curling?

Biathlon: The biathlon combines skiing and marksmanship. Do we really want a sport where people race a great distance on skis and are then given a loaded rifle? Especially when you consider that if a participant misses the target in a biathlon—an event that he or she has dedicated their entire life to—they will be penalized and forced to lap around a 150-meter loop for each target missed.

This sport is a horrible act of violence waiting to happen!

Nevertheless, with all the eyebrows the Olympics can sometimes raise, it does provide the platform for the world’s greatest athletes to prove they are the best.

Unfortunately, the majority of the athletes who are fortunate enough to qualify for the Olympics end up coming short of the gold. Win or lose, they gave everything they had to achieve a desired goal, which is something we, in the competitive world of college, can all model ourselves after.

Sadly, I didn’t live by that mentality in 1992 and my award-winning season with the Crafton Crocodiles began and ended with my rookie season. Not all is lost though, because if this whole writing thing doesn’t work out, I always have my swimming career to fall back on.

SOPHOMORIC HUMOR

CLASSIN’ OR CLUBBIN’

Some people dress for success, others for comfort, but for a number of college females, their fashion choices are based upon their confusion of the classroom with a dance club. For some girls, preparing for class means spending two hours making themselves look beautiful, plus an extensive clothing selection process that begins the previous evening. Who has time for homework when today could be the day that guy in class might ask to borrow a pen?!

From my point of view, if a good-looking girl wears a t-shirt and jeans to class instead of a tube top, leather pants and a fancy belt, she is still a good-looking girl. Most guys are smart enough to realize that clothes do not make the girl. For that reason, I feel some girls do not dress solely to impress guys but also to make an impression on other girls. By wearing what is cool they feel that other girls will accept them. The truth is, it will just incite a girl to say something like, Aw, what a cute shirt! Certain girls use those types of lines add nauseam; whether they mean it or not is up for debate. However, if you plan on making friends based on material items such as clothing, you would be better off wearing a plastic bag to class.

The sooner you realize the world is not a fashion show and campus is not your runway, the better off you will be. Above all else, just remember—it is not the clothes that make the person, it is the humor columns they read that do.

DUMB PEOPLE MAKE FOR A BLOCKBUSTER OF A GOOD TIME

I never had a normal teenage job, be it a waiter or a drug dealer, and I never planned on having one either. That was until a friend of mine encouraged me to work at a local video store. After turning in a resume that featured a Talents section, which I left blank, I was offered an interview. Since all the other interviewees dressed down, I was hired by default. Hooray for khaki pants.

At video stores, late fees serve as the catalyst in bringing out the less intelligent population. An example of this is one lady who spit on one of my managers. Another is of a lady who had an $8.54 late fee. After she caused a commotion in the store I asked, Well, do you want to pay off the late fee or not? She then looked into my eyes and in all seriousness said, I want to shoot you in the head, and left the store. Apparently her inadequacies to meet deadlines made her want to take my life.

Let me set the record straight. The customer service representatives you see working at video stores do not purposely add on late fee charges. We earn minimum wage and this makes us bitter towards the company. What makes you think that we would purposely add late fee charges? To put more money into the pockets of our corporate managers who use us as pawns in their game of wealth? Not bloody likely. The only extra perk I ever received from the store was an All About the Benjamin’s poster. This is movie starring Ice Cube, a man who has penned such lyrics as, Back in the day I dip my shirt in dirt/Sometimes I got away clean, sometimes people got hurt/But if you know me, you know that I’m liable/to bust a cap ’cos it’s all about survival. Clearly, this poster is the perfect addition to every white suburban male’s bedroom wall.

Another recurring theme I noticed was how people usually rent really bad movies. Not only that, but they ask, What is a good movie to rent? That is like walking into an international food court and asking what tastes good. The same goes for movies. It is all personal preference or what you are in the mood for on a certain day.

One final story I particularly enjoyed involves an overprotective mother in the store with her children. She was discussing with her husband via cell phone if the movie How High sounded suitable. It says that ‘Redman and Method Man star as Jamal and Silas, two regular guys who smoke something magical, ace their college entrance exams and wind up at Harvard.’ If that lady could not make that decision on her own, perhaps it’s time for her husband to count his losses and smoke something magical.

I do not need to elaborate on the levels of stupidity the general public can reach. Just take a stroll around campus if you need more evidence. What I do need to explain is why I am a better person for working there. By doing so, I learned that it is