Retail Tales and Nonsense

By Michael Dichter

Who Ya Bagging For?

I have been told to bag for the cashier, the other bagger, or the supervisor. But very rarely have I been told to bag for the guest. This seems funny to me. Now if they wanted to tell me to take over for the other employee or the guest(s), that would make sense, but the easy, lazy way to communicate seems to be the only way they know how. Youd think someone that has the skills to do this job would at least know the difference between bagging for the cashier, etc., and the guests

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 28, 2010
• ISBN: 9781469117812

Book preview

Retail Tales

and

Nonsense

Michael Dichter

Copyright © 2010 by Michael Dichter.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2010915543

ISBN: Softcover 978-1-4535-9920-4

ISBN: Ebook 978-1-4691-1781-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

66639

Contents

Prologue

On a Serious Note

Introduction

Hamburger? What Is That?

Fresh?

A Few Lists That Make Me Wonder

These Ideas Didn’t Fly

Riddle Me This

Top Twenty Late-Night Shoppers

Cart Phrases That Made Me Laugh

People Who Piss Me Off

People and Their Parking Disorders

The Parking Lot 500

Parking Fines are Too Small

Things You Shouldn’t Talk about in a Grocery Store or Any Retail Outlet

Monitoring Restroom Usage

Restroom Cleaning—Can You Say Yuck?

The Second Skin

Retail Scheduling Is Madness!

The Guest Is Always Right?

I Have Been Called Many Names!

Departments and Areas

A Grocery Store for Cannibals

Why Do We Buy Things That Will Kill Us?

What Do You Need?

The Stories I Can Tell You

Mixed-Up Phrases

Oh, Shit

Getting a Head Injury

Be No Gas? My Ass!

The Lady That Didn’t Care

The ABC Lady

The Whiner

The Lady That Pooped on the Floor

Coworkers I Remember Fondly

The Guy Who Peed on the Floor

Being Robbed at Christmastime

Habanero Peppers Are Not Carrots—Ouch!

TheBad Mess

Trash Can Nap

Would You Buy This?

Other Products Have Stupid Names Too

Toilet Paper Is Not Cute!

Impulse Buys Need to Be Stopped!

Perception Can Be Stupid

Coupons:Waste of Paper

Different Look:Who the Fuck Cares?!

The Almighty Number 9

You Saved How Much?

Welcome to Retail Bank and Trust

Hmmm . . . Did I Pay for My Gas?

Not an Exit

Prologue

I have been in the grocery-store retail business for twenty-one years, and one of the things that I’ve noticed is that a lot of stores have sales every week and are very competitive; well, sometimes anyway. Stores have these stupid slogans about their prices, standards, and service. It is true that some stores do give better service than others, but prices really aren’t that different all around. There is a balance. In some stores, the toothpaste may be fifty cents higher than other stores, but their mouthwash may be fifty cents less. Look and you will see what I mean. It is nice to be loyal to one store, but I believe it is better to shop around because if you just concentrate on getting the sale items, you will benefit the most from your shopping experience.

Service is very important, but saving the most money you can is far more important than some poor worker kissing your ass and telling you Have a nice day! when they don’t really mean it! Don’t worry about getting help to find things either; if you look hard enough or bug the right person, you will find what you are looking for, and you may actually get some exercise in the process! I am not knocking good or even great service completely, but I am saying it is overrated and overused to draw customers in to buy merchants’ goods when they should consider selling things for a fair price. Instead, they seem to think that giving great service is a substitute for giving a reasonable price. You know what I say? To hell with kissing my ass, sell things for a price that makes sense instead of taking more of my cents! I am not knocking good service because I do believe in being polite, but it would be nice if it wasn’t used as an excuse to hike up the prices! Am I paying you to kiss my ass or to bring me prices that won’t make me feel like I was robbed?

On a Serious Note

This is to my former employer and the people who will always be customers to me. On March 11th 2009 I left my job for what was to me an unfair reason. I just want my former employer (whose name I can’t mention for legal reasons) to know that I think you are the lowest possible scum on this earth, and it really hurt me deeply that you decided to force me to resign after ten years of loyal, dedicated, honest hard work. I was told after ten years that it meant nothing to you, but I can assure you that it meant something to the people that knew and liked me so much that they knew my name without looking at my name tag or even seeing my face for that matter. I made some mistakes but a lot of people did and probably still do, but some of those people were and probably still are treated as favorites in your eyes. Several people did things that were grounds for termination but were shooshed so they wouldn’t get into trouble. Even supervisors were doing things that they should’ve been reprimanded for, but they were privileged and weren’t ever even spoken to about the actions they took. That is one of things I hate: people that were and still are exempt from reprimand when others practically have to kiss ass to stay out of trouble. You say ten years meant nothing? I say you are a bunch of hypocrites! Some of you may get to know how I feel one day. Maybe you will feel bad for what you did to me, and I might be on the other side of the fence, laughing at you.

Introduction

Before I start writing—I mean, before you start reading, I want you to clear your mind of all the things that you consider normal about the grocery store and the products they sell plus anything else you can think of that you personally believe to be normal. Why you ask? The reason I ask you to do so is simple: what I am about to tell will make you think about what is truly normal and what is really not! After you start reading, you will laugh, ponder (I hope), and may even look at what you considered normal your whole life and see that things could be and, perhaps, should be different. Have you cleared your mind yet? I hope so. Okay, let’s begin.

Hamburger? What Is That?

Did it ever occur to you that some of our meats have funny names? Okay, maybe not, but why do we have chicken, turkey, lamb, fish, and then we have beef and pork? What, huh? What happened to the animal? Doesn’t hamburger come from a cow and pork from a pig? Shouldn’t we have cow steaks and pig chops instead of pork chops and T-bone steak?

Someone told me, Well, you can get more stuff from a cow or a pig. Well, gee, what do ya call turkey necks, breasts, legs, chicken legs, breasts, thighs, and all those other parts you can get from a chicken or a turkey or a cow?! Then someone said, Well, hamburger and pork sound better. Yeah, right. Does lamb really sound better than cow? I think it would be fair to say that cows (baby ones anyway, which they make veal out of!) are just as cute as lambs and so are baby pigs. Hey, just think: pork-butt blade steak comes from a pig’s butt, and you probably never even thought about it when you were eating it! Hey, don’t feel bad; I didn’t think about it either! Besides being cute, I think it would be a reason to change the name of the food, not promote it!

Considering, however, that that isn’t the reality though makes me think there is no reason to disguise what you are eating. In fact, the only time they use a cow’s or a pig’s name is when they are talking about something less pleasant to eat, like pig’s feet, cow’s tongue or, my favorite, bull’s testicles! Doesn’t that sound yummy? Now you can go to the grocery store and buy that yummy ground cow and pig chops and pig’s loin and any other goodies that come from these truly cute animals! Beef and pork my butt!

Fresh?

This brings me to another point of interest: the aspect of something being