You Weren't Here

By Darrin Atkins

Sometimes you want someone to be there for you when you need them and they aren't and your world just falls apart and the skies fall and the earth crumbles underneath you and everything in life becomes too difficult to handle. You hope that it isn't too much to ask to have just one good friend in this world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 18, 2001
• ISBN: 9781469102412

Darrin Atkins

Darrin Atkins was raised in Stockton, California. He graduated from the University of the Pacific in 1993 and then studied in a Ph.D. Program in Social Psychology at the University of Nevada. He has worked at Premiere magazine, Nevada magazine, the Reno Gazette-Journal, Investor’s Business Daily and The Record. “You Always Lose” is his fourth book.

Book preview

YOU

WEREN’T HERE

Darrin Atkins

Copyright © 2001 by Atkins, Darrin.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Xlibris

1-888-7-XLIBRIS

www.Xlibris.com

Contents

PART ONE

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

PART TWO

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

PART THREE

21

22

23

24

25

POEMS FOR MY LOVE

1

2

3

4

5

AFTERWORD

PART ONE

1 

I couldn’t find my car. Really, I couldn’t find it. Maybe that’s happened to you and if it has then you know that it’s a terribly frustrating experience and it really gets in your head and you wonder if you’re crazy because you know that you parked it in front of the bookstore or wherever but now it’s nowhere to be found. This was my situation and I had gone up and down every aisle I was getting quite worried because I knew that I drove my car to the bookstore and parked out front. I knew that I didn’t walk or ride my bike so my car just had to be here. It just had to be but now the excitement of the day and the thrill of seeing my love again were starting to take their toll.

I stopped looking and went back into the bookstore to see if my love had shown up. That’s why I was there, at the bookstore, to see her and talk to her, but I hadn’t seen her at all anywhere and she had said that she would be here but maybe I missed her. I didn’t want to leave because one time, fairly recently in fact, she had stopped by my place to visit me and I hadn’t been there and she left a note that said You weren’t here along with some other words but all I remember is You weren’t here and those are some of the harshest words in the English language when put together like that, especially from someone you care deeply about.

That’s why I didn’t want to leave the bookstore and I started to think that maybe my brain was purposefully blocking out the memory of where I had parked so, you know, I wouldn’t miss her again because I had sworn to myself that she wouldn’t have the opportunity to leave a note like that for me again. Not ever. And I know I shouldn’t be so harsh on myself like this because when she had left that note I had shown up a minute later and she was there and we had a great day together. But it was that one single minute that I wasn’t there for her that gets to me because I certainly know what it’s like to need someone else and want to be with them and for them not to be around. I know that without a doubt because it’s happened to me about a billion times if you can believe it.

I felt so bad when I wasn’t there for her because I care so much for her and we never get to spend much as time together as I would like and I couldn’t bear the thought of missing even one minute with her. That’s why I waited for so long at the bookstore, longer than I should have, longer than was necessary, because life is so short and so precious and so few are the opportunities you have with the one you love and so quickly do the years slip away. Damn, this woman is so wonderful that I get all dizzy and confused and don’t know much about anything and can hardly imagine a time when I didn’t know her and I look back now and wonder how I could have lived the last twenty-eight years of my life without her. It doesn’t seem possible and all that time seems like a total waste and let’s just hope that nobody who was a part of my life then reads this and gets all mad and wants some nasty revenge.

I didn’t know what to do because maybe my car had been stolen or maybe my wandering around served a cosmic purpose because maybe it was keeping me there long enough for her to arrive and then we would be together. I looked for her car, I looked for mine, I became dizzy and confused, I looked for my car again, I became worried, and I became scared. There was no way for me to know if I was supposed to stay there longer and then she would arrive or if I should leave and go home and come back later. I really didn’t know what to do and that’s when you know you’re in love, when the simplest of decisions becomes absolutely impossible and nothing else seems important and the whole world could stop spinning and melt into the sun and you wouldn’t even know about it and wouldn’t even care.

You see, I haven’t felt this way for a woman for the longest, longest time and maybe I’ve never felt this level of intensity for another human being and maybe you haven’t either and maybe you’re wondering what it feels like to truly be in love and truly want to spend every waking and sleeping and breathing moment with your love. I thought that I would never feel this way again, my heart pounding, not remembering anything but her, forgetting where I had parked, ignoring all else but the images of her in my head. The other day I almost got into a horrible crash with an ambulance in an intersection because I was so intensely focused on her and the thought of seeing her again that night and wondering what she would say or do and not caring at all about why we were there in the first place. I almost got into a horrible crash and if I had then certainly I wouldn’t be able to see my love again or spend time with her unless I came back as an angel and was assigned to protect her and make sure she lived forever and forever and had the best life imaginable and nothing ever went wrong. That would be fine with me, not the death part but coming back as an angel.

Thinking about her again must have caused me not to remember where I parked my car and the excitement over seeing her again was so much that maybe I hadn’t driven anywhere at all and maybe I had walked instead of drove because I certainly do a lot of walking so that’s certainly a possibility. Maybe I walk too much and maybe I have too much free time but I purposely took some time off so from working full-time so I could finish my book about when I lived at the Grand Canyon and damn it all to hell if this isn’t the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life and I hope to god that I’m finished with it very, very soon because it takes too much out of me.

I sat on a concrete bench out in front of the bookstore and wondered what to do next and looked all around in the hope that would arrive at any moment. I tried to calm down and think hard and try not to think of my love for just a second so I could clear my head. I distinctly remembered driving my car and parking it somewhere out in that sea of vehicles and then walking into the bookstore to look for her. But the simple fact was that I couldn’t find my car and I had walked all over where I thought I had parked and it wasn’t there and I didn’t know where else to look. I had walked up and down ten different rows of cars but mine wasn’t there and I didn’t know why and I was amazed at how many cars and trucks were white but I guess that’s the most popular color but I think it’s awfully boring.

I sat and pondered my situation in life, how I cared so very much for this woman I had known for just one month and a wild month it had been. I actually considered waiting longer and longer for her, all through the night even, but I came to my senses and figured that I could just go home quickly and come back if she hadn’t called and left a message. I could come right back in an instant and I wouldn’t be gone long at all. Just a single minute and it wouldn’t be long enough for her to write another note about me not being there for her.

I didn’t want to leave but I